True humor

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bill dane

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Jan 6, 2009
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Around 1980, Raymonda and I attended an education convention.  On the last evening, the key note speaker was Art Linkletter [Kids say the funniest things]. At the end he said  that teachers tell him some very funny stores and he wanted to share one.

In October, a Sam was enrolled in the 1st grade.  The Principal brought him to the classroom and introduced him to the teacher who then started to introduce him to the class but Sam said the needed to use the bathroom .  The teacher told him to go out the door, turn right and the 2nd door on the left was the boys restroom.  So off Sam went but came back and said he could not find it.  So the teacher ask Will  to show it to him.  Will came back in a couple of minutes later, walked up to the teacher, folded his arms and proclaimed  "the reason he could not find it was because he had his underware on backwards". 
 
Was his name Sam or Will?  :eek: ::) ;D
I'll have to remember this when my GPS tells me to go left and I go right. 
That was a good one. Thanks for sharing.
 
  Another true , but humorous story. In the mid-80?s, with the construction and operation of a large gas plant in Wyoming, a lot of us ?Southerners? moved to Wyoming. Most of us loved to hunt. One family (six), in particular,were very passionate about hunting. Their youngest was in kindergarten, and the subject was the four seasons. When the class was asked, ?Who can name the four seasons?? The young man, very excitedly was waving his hand! When called upon, he answered, ? Deer, Elk, Moose, and Antelope?!
 
When I was a police officer, I got a call about a "found child."  I responded to the area and there was a boy about 2-1/2 , maybe 3 years old. I talked with him for a minute and then asked his name. He said  "Billy."  I asked him what his last name was and he said, "Billy". Drawing on my knowledge of human nature, I asked him what his mother called him when she got mad, knowing that it would be his full name. He looked down at his shoes and said, "S---head". 
 
Back in the '80's, my wife and I were out celebrating with her brother and his wife.  It was their last night in the States before the Navy shipped them to Japan for 3 years.
We got pulled over, basically for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and soon the rookie officer had all four of us out of the car while he searched it. 
There was an older officer with the rookie, but he was standing back, letting the rookie handle the stop.  My SIL and I were fairly quiet and respectful, but my wife and her brother were getting pretty hard on the rookie(to be fair, he looked about 17 or 18 years old).  I kept nudging my wife and telling her to shut up, but she never listened(big surprise that  ::) ).
Anyway, after about 30 minutes of not finding anything, the older officer looked at me and said, "Sir, can you please control your wife?"
I looked at him and said, "You've got the gun, you control her.  I've been trying to get her to shut up for a half hour."  He just shook his head and sent us on our way.
 
Friend of mine got stopped because in MI you MUST wear seat belt.  The Driver (My Friend) was very respectful (Also belted) the unbelted  however had what we call diarrhea of the mouth.  Very Disrespectful of the officer.

The officer wrote out the ticket (NOTE I think there was another reason for the actual stop but the officer only did verbal warning on that, Fail to signal or some such) and gave the papers to the driver.  INCLUDING a ticket for no seat belt.

Well when they got back to the house the passenger was telling the driver "It's a good thing he gave you that ticket because I'd not have handled it as well".. The driver, at this point, looked at the ticket for the first time and .. Giving it to his passanger informed him who's name was on the ticket.... Smart Cop.

Technically not a valid ticket but .. (Was not given to the named violator so not properly served) But I'm not telling HIM that.
 
Our grandkids, ages 8 & 5 are at our house as much as they are at their house. The other night they were here playing with some toys on the living room floor. I really wasn't paying much attention but apparently an argument ensued between them. My interest was piqued when my grandson, the 5 year old, asked me to settle the argument. I don't remember what the argument was about but I sided with my grandson. He turned to his sister and said "You just got grandpawed!"
 
True story:  The first time I got a prostate exam from my very attractive female doctor she brought a nurse into the exam room with her.  As she did the exam I said 'So, does this mean we're going steady?'.

No reaction at all.  But as soon as she and the nurse walked out of the room I heard them laughing all the way down the hall.  I yelled out 'I heard that!'. 
 
Recently my grand daugther was running a little late and one of her 3 yr twin (my great-grand daughter) was lollygagging that morning before going to day care.

Her mother asked, "Jade, what are you waiting for"?

Jade replied, "For you to calm down".  ???  ;D

 
One needs to watch their language around kids.  When my son was about 4 years old, he was driving his peddle car around the basement where I was trying to rip a board on a radial arm saw.  The saw caught part of the board and sent it flying into the wall.  My son drove up in his little car and said: Son of bitch! Right Daddy?"
 
Lowell said:
One needs to watch their language around kids.  When my son was about 4 years old, he was driving his peddle car around the basement where I was trying to rip a board on a radial arm saw.  The saw caught part of the board and sent it flying into the wall.  My son drove up in his little car and said: Son of bitch! Right Daddy?"


LOL - my father has a bit of a potty mouth so when our 1st child was born, my wife was constantly warning dad to watch is mouth. Don't you know it, my wife dropped something in the kitchen one day, said "sh*t" and our daughter was right there. And she repeated it all day long! Dad never let Kim live that one down!
 
Advice from An Old Farmer

1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
2. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
3. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
4. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
5. Words that soak into your ears are whispered? not yelled.
6. Meanness don?t jes? happen overnight.
7. Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
8. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
9. It don?t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
10.You cannot unsay a cruel word.
11.Every path has a few puddles.
12.When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
13.The best sermons are lived, not preached.
14.Most of the stuff people worry about ain?t never gonna happen anyway.
15.Don?t judge folks by their relatives.
16.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
17.Live a good, honorable life? Then when you get older and think back, you?ll enjoy it a second time.
18.Don ?t interfere with somethin? that ain?t bothering you none.
19.Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
20.If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin?.
21.Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
22.The biggest troublemaker you?ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin?.
23.Always drink upstream from the herd.
24.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
25.Lettin? the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin? it back in.
26.If you get to thinkin? you?re a person of some influence, try orderin? somebody else?s dog around..
27.Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
28.Don?t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he?ll just kill you.

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

And my personal favorite, "Don't go to sleep angry, stay awake and plot revenge."

Pick your favorite over coffee.
 
Memtb said:
When the class was asked, ?Who can name the four seasons??

Obviously the correct answer would have been: "Frankie Valli, Bob Gaudio, Tommy DeVito, and Nick Massi" !  ;D
 
$4 (A bee is faster than a John Deer)  Faster than an International Harvester Farmall too.. Trust me. I know. 

Only time I ever needed a shot of Epi.
 
When I was a lot younger I drove tractor trailer for a few years.  My old truck had a windshield that actually cranked open on hot days.  (No AC).
So here I was tooling along on this narrow two lane highway with no shoulders with it open and a bumble bee is sucked into the cab and down
the neck of my shirt.  Now the bee was not happy about this and neither was I for that matter.  He stung me pretty good.  I finally came
around a curve in the woods and there was a parking area with a fruit stand.  Perfect!  I set the trailer brake and as soon as the truck slowed
enough, I bailed out and shed that shirt.  Whew!

The truck rolled on another fifty yards or so before stopping.  As I walked up to it there was a guy looking under the truck.  I asked him what
he was looking for and he told me he was looking for the driver.
 
When I got married, we were in a car with the usual markings all over, horns, etc. On the road away from the church a motorcycle cop had someone pulled over (for speeding, I guess). When he saw us he took off his helmet, stood at attention facing the road, and held his helmet over his heart. We both had a good laugh.
 
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