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For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.
 
COLD WINTER

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."                                                         

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."                                                         

Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed up now."
 
A fellow from the city went duck hunting - and shot one that first landed on a barn, then fell into the fenced yard behind the property home. So he knocked on the door and asked if he could retrieve his duck.

The farmer told him that if a duck landed on his property, it was "his" duck, not the shooters duck. That's the way we decide such things in the country. The shooter protested again explaining how "he" shot the duck so no matter where it landed - it still belonged to him.

After going back and forth for awhile, the farmer suggested they settled it the way "farmers" settle such disputes. The shooter asked what that was. The farmer explained that we take turns kicking each other in the groin until one or the other gives up. The other then wins and and in this case keeps the duck. The shooter thought a bit and as he was obviously quite a bit bigger than the farmer agreed. The farmer explained that it was his property so the rule was that he go first - to which the shooter agreed.

So -- they face off and after the shooter takes a deep breath and indicates he is ready, the farmer kicks him in the groin very very hard. The shooter collapses in pain, rolls around on the ground crutching his groin. His face turns beet red in agony - tears filled his eyes as he tried to catch his breathe once again. It was at least 5 minutes before he could struggle back to his feet.

Once he was able to stand again and able to talk, he said to the farmer with the sound of vengeance in his voice, "Well, I guess it's my turn now"



The farmer replied, "No, that's alright -- you can keep the duck" . . .
 
The economics of Washington. The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?  ??? ::)
 
Ray D said:
The economics of Washington. The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?  ??? ::)
Could be this is what happens when you introduce your too austere program. :)
 
Options





I got bored while drinking beer at home......so I went down to the local Pub where I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...
 
A woman returned from church and surprised an intruder robbing her home.  She yelled Acts 2:38, which means "Repent and be Baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven!

The burglar stopped in his tracks, and surrendered.  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer was cuffing the burglar, he asked him, "Why did you just tstand there when all the lady did was yell a Scripture at you?"

"Scripture?!"  replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and Two 38's!!"
 
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery.  He insisted his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

He told him, "Don't be nervous son, just do our best.  If something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
 
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.


They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
 
Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.

Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.

Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

"Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
 
I see Walmart so often mentioned I had to pass this on

At Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it from someone else. Share and make someone else smile today..

George
 
My husband said the spark had gone out of our relationship.  So, I tasered him!!!!  I plan to ask him again when he gets up!!!  :))
 
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
 
The local politician was campaigning and went to the Indian reservation to rustle up some votes. When he was with the land agent and the local Chief he told the gathering that if he was elected he would build more schools the people yelled out Heemawaka!  He would build a hospital. The people exclaimed Heemawaka!  More jobs Heemawaka!!!!!!

When the rally was over, the chief took the politician on a tour of the reservation.  As they walked through the fields the chief showed off his prize bull; he told the politician to be careful and not step in any Heemawaka!

Jim
 
Three friends found themselves ship wrecked on a desert island -- no info on how the got there.

One evening they found a bottle washed ashore - so they popped the cork and a genie emerged - that told them they could make one, and only one wish each. So advised to be very careful with their wish.

The 1st friend thought hard - and wished he was back with his family. Immediately, he was gone and back with his family.

The 2nd friend listened and made the same wish, to be back with his wife and children. And immediately, he too was gone and back with his family.

The final and now lone friend was single and having a tough time making up his mind - especially knowing he only had one wish. After much frustration and not able to come up with a wish, he said to the genie,

I sure wish my friends were here to help me . . .
 
Four SEC football fans met atop Stone Mountain just outside Atlanta.  One was from LSU, one was from the University of Alabama, one was from the University of Florida, and one was from the University of Georgia.

After a few cocktails and much hoorah concerning their teams, the LSU fan jumps up and screams "This is for my Tigers" and jumps off the mountain.  The Alabama fan then rises and screams "Roll Tide" and jumps off the mountain.  The Georgia Bulldow fan jumps up and yells "Go Dawgs!" and throws the Florida fan off the mountain.
 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD


AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"



He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."



George said, "Okay.."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30.



Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 

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