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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 189103 times)

Just Don

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #180 on: November 30, 2012, 08:40:18 PM »
Advice for an old guy…..
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in….
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
“What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer looked me over and said;’ I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Just Don whats a ATM?? 8)
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

Mr Bojangles

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #181 on: December 03, 2012, 04:52:36 AM »
                                                                            Drunk logic
Mike and Pat, two drunks, enter a bar with a large mirror on wall behind the bartender, partially obscured with bottles on selves.

After settling in at end of bar, they can barely see their images threw shelves and recognize themselves as someone they know….

Pat, getting up from his stool, says to Mike, “let’s go over and buy them a drink”.
And Mike, seeing Pat move in mirror, says, “sit down, I think their coming over here, let’s save a buck, let them buy”.
SAFBVET    Jim O
28 trips out.... 88,000 Miles -S  to Key West, SW to Gulf...w to Texas, NW Oregon, across Canada.

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #182 on: December 03, 2012, 07:38:27 AM »
A lady walked into the corner market to buy some groceries.  The local town drunk wandered in behind her for a bottle of wine.   The lady got a shopping cart and put in eggs, coffee, bread and milk and headed into the ten item limit check out line.  She noticed that the ''drunk'' was right behind her.  She put her items on the convayer and watched while they were scanned and put into a bag.  The ''drunk'' was leaning on the edge of the convayer and said .......'' I bet a dollar you are a single woman''.............    Amazed the lady turned to the ''drunk'' and said ''Yes, I am single, but how could you possibly tell that I am single from the groceries I put up,  that is not possible''.     The drunk just grinned and said..    ''Here is how I could tell that your are single,,,,  IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FLAMIN' UGLY''................CJ.....

Thank a vet for your freedoms..... Some died to get them for you while you slept safe and warm...... think about it......cj
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Jim Godward

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #183 on: December 04, 2012, 03:46:25 PM »
This was forwarded to me  and My Grandson had a problem the last time he was in C. so this sort of hit home.



    I was in downtown Las Vegas the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."

    So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Jim
Jim & Pat Godward
AC7PO & KD7ZDM
Hillsboro, Oregon

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #184 on: December 04, 2012, 09:42:36 PM »
What do you get when you mix vodka  with milk of magnesia?

. . . A phillips screw driver.  :)
« Last Edit: December 04, 2012, 10:52:50 PM by Bob Buchanan »
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
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SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #185 on: December 04, 2012, 09:52:58 PM »
Teaparty
« Last Edit: December 05, 2012, 09:43:38 AM by SeilerBird »
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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Just Don

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #186 on: December 05, 2012, 08:31:39 AM »


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stackof 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
 
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
 
 The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
 
 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
 'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.
 
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
 
 

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
 
 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
 
 Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
 
 Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
 
 Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
 
 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
 
 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.'
 
 BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
 
 You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on
 
 
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

bucks2

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #187 on: December 05, 2012, 11:21:01 AM »
What do you get when you mix vodka  with milk of magnesia?

. . . A phillips screw driver.  :)

And Vodka and Prune Juice is a......... PileDriver


catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #188 on: December 05, 2012, 12:05:49 PM »
NOT PC but imported rum and orange juice is a ....cab driver....
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

Just Don

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #189 on: December 16, 2012, 06:48:58 AM »
There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people , I did just as she
had instructed. With my shirt & jacket on the counter and my pants around my
ankles, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my damned credit card!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I feel they need to make their
instructions to us senior citizens a little clearer!!!!
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

jje1960

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  • Jim
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #190 on: December 16, 2012, 10:27:43 AM »
No matter I am a fomer Marine with 11yrs of Service... I laugh at all service jokes!

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
 
___ (a) build a bridge
 
___ (b) sail the ocean
 
___ (c) lead an army or
 
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
  ___ (a) Jewish
  ___ (b) Catholic
  ___ (c) Hindu 

  ___ (d) Polish
 
___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? 

  ___ (a) Westerners 

  ___ (b) Southerners 

  ___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton 

Bush: ________________ 

Carter: ______________ 

Clinton: _____________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from? 

___ (a) Macy's 

___ (b) a 7-11 

___ (c) Canada 

___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? 

___ (a) yes 

___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? 

___ (a) New York 

___ (b) Florida 

___ (c) Canada 

___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C. 

___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.
Jim
2011 Ford F350 DRW 6.7 Diesel
2011 Cougar SRX

SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #191 on: December 22, 2012, 01:46:17 PM »
A Condor tried to board an airliner carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant stopped the Condor and said

"I'm sorry sir, you are only allowed one carry on." (boom crash)
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #192 on: December 22, 2012, 02:35:35 PM »
Then there was the cannibal who upset his wife by being late for dinner -- so she gave him the cold shoulder.

or,

The cannibal that had a sign over his front door that read, "I have never met a man I did not like".
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
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joelmyer

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #193 on: December 22, 2012, 03:11:21 PM »
which reminds me, I once worked with a man named George Myers (no relation).  There was a sign on his office door reading:

"Will Rogers never met George Myers"
Joel (W4JNM) and Camille, GA

SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #194 on: December 22, 2012, 03:32:43 PM »
True story. When I was a teenager my older sister was dating a guy named Lynn Pace. After dating him for a few months for some reason she dropped Lynn and started dating his brother, Benny Pace. I figured the reason was obvious, she wanted a change of Pace.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #195 on: December 22, 2012, 03:40:33 PM »
Young cannibal looked up into the sky a pointed out too his mother a plane passing overhead.  "mom is that good to eat"?

Mother said to son.  "Son That is like a lobster, hard shell on outside, sweet meat inside."
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #196 on: December 22, 2012, 06:13:56 PM »
Cannibals don't eat clowns -- because they taste funny . . .
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
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SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #197 on: December 22, 2012, 06:25:56 PM »
Cannibals don't eat clowns -- because they taste funny . . .
You are correct, cannibals don't eat clowns, vultures do.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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Just Don

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #198 on: December 23, 2012, 12:04:59 PM »
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his family in the jungle?
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

hpykmpr

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #199 on: December 24, 2012, 04:59:57 AM »
    Options
    Embarrassing Sex Stories
    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

    The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
    The man replies ''Yes, it is''
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$250"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
    "How much?"
    Boy - "$750"
    Man - "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
    your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy - "$1,000"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
    that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

Just Don

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #200 on: December 25, 2012, 07:14:42 PM »
Like that last one too..
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

Just Don

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #201 on: December 25, 2012, 08:04:14 PM »
....
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

Just Don

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  • Posts: 307
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #202 on: December 25, 2012, 08:50:26 PM »

There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people , I did just as she
had instructed. With my shirt & jacket on the counter and my pants around my
ankles, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my damned credit card!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I feel they need to make their
instructions to us senior citizens a little clearer!!!!
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

Just Don

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  • Posts: 307
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #203 on: December 26, 2012, 07:41:19 AM »
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. It was Christmas and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Paula. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Paula what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, her dog Lola looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 I must admit I thought about zapping Lola (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
 So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

 The directions said:
 a one-second burst will shock and disorient your assailant;
 a two-second burst will cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
 a three-second burst will make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
 Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

 I'm sitting there alone, Lola looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

 I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

 I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The dog was cowering on the mantle above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 Note:
 If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution . . . . 
 There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
 A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of  smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
 I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!
FT since 11/20/12
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #204 on: December 29, 2012, 08:49:57 AM »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"It tells me Kemo Sabe dumber than buffalo dung.
It means someone stole the tent. "

Ta Dum Snare Drum!!!!!
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

whiteva

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #205 on: December 29, 2012, 09:23:29 AM »
Shot a 22 pound turkey with my 12ga shotgun this morning.
.
.
.
.


The judge said I have to pay for the turkey, the freezer and apologize to all the people in the store.

2008 Winnie 29TR, Class C
Me: RETIRED: Aerobatic flight instructor, RE Broker, EE,-
DW, Nan, works Finance for RV dealer. Travel short distances pulling 77' MGB on dolly.
 If not in the RV we are on the Sea Ray, with Nibbler & Shadeaux the black cat. http://www.acroflyer.com/nibbler/

muskoka guy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #206 on: December 29, 2012, 12:10:28 PM »
three ladies go up to heaven. st peter meets them at the pearly gates and says come on in ladies but i have to warn you that there are a lot of ducks in here and if you step on one you will be chained to an ugly person for all eternity. days go by and the first lady steps on a duck. sure enough here comes st peter and chains this ugly man to her for all eternity. weeks go by and the same thing happens to the second lady. the third lady says i will be extra careful not to step on any ducks. months go by and all is well. one day saint peter comes up to the third lady with this very handsome man and chains him to her. she looks up at  the handsome man and says , gee what did i do to deserve this pleasure. the handsome man looks down at the lady and says. lady i dont know what you did but i stepped on a duck.

Luca1369

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #207 on: December 29, 2012, 01:37:46 PM »
My ex had never gone deer hunting before, she really didn't know much about it, and asked to accompany me one Saturday morning.  We entered the woods and I set her up in her very own tree stand and told here that I would be a short distance away in my own tree stand and if I heard her shoot anything I would be there as quick as I could. 

A while later I heard her rifle...bang...bang...bang, bang, bang, bang.  I sprinted down the hill to where she was and came upon a man with his hands up, he was talking to her saying "Okay lady, okay, it's your deer...I just want the saddle."
Steve
1990 Fleetwood Southwind 36'
http://seaworthy.com

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.
I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.
Robert Louis Stevenson

A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
Lao Tsu (570-490 BC)

wstuart

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #208 on: December 29, 2012, 07:12:26 PM »
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. He asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The clerk says, ''$2,000.'' The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The clerk says, ''This parrot is very special. He knows how to type." The man asks ''What about the green one?'' The clerk says, ''He costs $5,000 because he knows how to type and can answer incoming phone calls.'' The man asks about the red one. The clerk says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The clerk says, ''I don't know but the other two call him boss.''
Maryann & Wayne
Nanaimo BC
Challenger 37 GT
Honda CRV toad Blue Ox tow bar

wstuart

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #209 on: December 29, 2012, 07:13:54 PM »
My wifes favorite!
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can get rid of him for the weekend."
Maryann & Wayne
Nanaimo BC
Challenger 37 GT
Honda CRV toad Blue Ox tow bar

 

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