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Advice for an old guy?..
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in?.
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
?What machine should I use to impress that lady over there??
The trainer looked me over and said;? I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.?

Just Don whats a ATM?? 8)
 
                                                                            Drunk logic
Mike and Pat, two drunks, enter a bar with a large mirror on wall behind the bartender, partially obscured with bottles on selves.

After settling in at end of bar, they can barely see their images threw shelves and recognize themselves as someone they know?.

Pat, getting up from his stool, says to Mike, ?let?s go over and buy them a drink?.
And Mike, seeing Pat move in mirror, says, ?sit down, I think their coming over here, let?s save a buck, let them buy?.
 
A lady walked into the corner market to buy some groceries.  The local town drunk wandered in behind her for a bottle of wine.  The lady got a shopping cart and put in eggs, coffee, bread and milk and headed into the ten item limit check out line.  She noticed that the ''drunk'' was right behind her.  She put her items on the convayer and watched while they were scanned and put into a bag.  The ''drunk'' was leaning on the edge of the convayer and said .......'' I bet a dollar you are a single woman''.............    Amazed the lady turned to the ''drunk'' and said ''Yes, I am single, but how could you possibly tell that I am single from the groceries I put up,  that is not possible''.    The drunk just grinned and said..    ''Here is how I could tell that your are single,,,,  IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FLAMIN' UGLY''................CJ.....

Thank a vet for your freedoms..... Some died to get them for you while you slept safe and warm...... think about it......cj
 
This was forwarded to me  and My Grandson had a problem the last time he was in C. so this sort of hit home.



    I was in downtown Las Vegas the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."

    So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

 
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stackof 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
 
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
 
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
 


'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
 
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
 
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
 
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
 
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
 
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
 
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants.'
 
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
 
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on

 
Bob Buchanan said:
What do you get when you mix vodka  with milk of magnesia?

. . . A phillips screw driver.  :)

And Vodka and Prune Juice is a......... PileDriver

 
There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people , I did just as she
had instructed. With my shirt & jacket on the counter and my pants around my
ankles, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my damned credit card!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I feel they need to make their
instructions to us senior citizens a little clearer!!!!
 
No matter I am a fomer Marine with 11yrs of Service... I laugh at all service jokes!

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:

___ (a) build a bridge

___ (b) sail the ocean

___ (c) lead an army or

___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
  ___ (a) Jewish
  ___ (b) Catholic
  ___ (c) Hindu 

  ___ (d) Polish

___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? 

  ___ (a) Westerners 

  ___ (b) Southerners 

  ___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton 

Bush: ________________ 

Carter: ______________ 

Clinton: _____________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from? 

___ (a) Macy's 

___ (b) a 7-11 

___ (c) Canada 

___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? 

___ (a) yes 

___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? 

___ (a) New York 

___ (b) Florida 

___ (c) Canada 

___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C. 

___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.
 
A Condor tried to board an airliner carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant stopped the Condor and said

"I'm sorry sir, you are only allowed one carry on." (boom crash)
 
Then there was the cannibal who upset his wife by being late for dinner -- so she gave him the cold shoulder.

or,

The cannibal that had a sign over his front door that read, "I have never met a man I did not like".
 
which reminds me, I once worked with a man named George Myers (no relation).  There was a sign on his office door reading:

"Will Rogers never met George Myers"
 
True story. When I was a teenager my older sister was dating a guy named Lynn Pace. After dating him for a few months for some reason she dropped Lynn and started dating his brother, Benny Pace. I figured the reason was obvious, she wanted a change of Pace.
 
Young cannibal looked up into the sky a pointed out too his mother a plane passing overhead.  "mom is that good to eat"?

Mother said to son.  "Son That is like a lobster, hard shell on outside, sweet meat inside."
 
    Options
    Embarrassing Sex Stories
    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

    The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
    The man replies ''Yes, it is''
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$250"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
    "How much?"
    Boy - "$750"
    Man - "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
    your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy - "$1,000"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
    that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!''
 
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