Post a joke

The friendliest place on the web for anyone with an RV or an interest in RVing!
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people , I did just as she
had instructed. With my shirt & jacket on the counter and my pants around my
ankles, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my damned credit card!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I feel they need to make their
instructions to us senior citizens a little clearer!!!!
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. It was Christmas and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Paula. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Paula what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, her dog Lola looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Lola (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said:
a one-second burst will shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst will cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst will make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Lola looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The dog was cowering on the mantle above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution . . . . 
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
? My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
? The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
? My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
? I had no control over the drooling.
? Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of  smell was gone.
? I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"It tells me Kemo Sabe dumber than buffalo dung.
It means someone stole the tent. "

Ta Dum Snare Drum!!!!!
 
Shot a 22 pound turkey with my 12ga shotgun this morning.
.
.
.
.


The judge said I have to pay for the turkey, the freezer and apologize to all the people in the store.

 
three ladies go up to heaven. st peter meets them at the pearly gates and says come on in ladies but i have to warn you that there are a lot of ducks in here and if you step on one you will be chained to an ugly person for all eternity. days go by and the first lady steps on a duck. sure enough here comes st peter and chains this ugly man to her for all eternity. weeks go by and the same thing happens to the second lady. the third lady says i will be extra careful not to step on any ducks. months go by and all is well. one day saint peter comes up to the third lady with this very handsome man and chains him to her. she looks up at  the handsome man and says , gee what did i do to deserve this pleasure. the handsome man looks down at the lady and says. lady i dont know what you did but i stepped on a duck.
 
My ex had never gone deer hunting before, she really didn't know much about it, and asked to accompany me one Saturday morning.  We entered the woods and I set her up in her very own tree stand and told here that I would be a short distance away in my own tree stand and if I heard her shoot anything I would be there as quick as I could. 

A while later I heard her rifle...bang...bang...bang, bang, bang, bang.  I sprinted down the hill to where she was and came upon a man with his hands up, he was talking to her saying "Okay lady, okay, it's your deer...I just want the saddle."
 
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. He asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The clerk says, ''$2,000.'' The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The clerk says, ''This parrot is very special. He knows how to type." The man asks ''What about the green one?'' The clerk says, ''He costs $5,000 because he knows how to type and can answer incoming phone calls.'' The man asks about the red one. The clerk says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The clerk says, ''I don't know but the other two call him boss.''
 
Thanks, Tom. It's been a while since I really had a good laugh.

  Now, what was that clip i just viewed....?

 
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present.
What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
 
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.
Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
 
That Max guy is one cruel joker!    ;D ;D ;D

Daisy aka Jemima
 
Not to throw a wet blanket on the topic, but I really have an issue with folks who insist on forwarding every joke they've read on the internet to my private email box. Some get miffed when I say "please remove me from your distribution list for this stuff; I already receive it from several other folks".
 
Tom said:
Not to throw a wet blanket on the topic, but I really have an issue with folks who insist on forwarding every joke they've read on the internet to my private email box. Some get miffed when I say "please remove me from your distribution list for this stuff; I already receive it from several other folks".

Amen!

Margi
 
    Redneck walks into a coffee shop carrying a shotgun and a paper bag, orders a cup of coffee, and chats with a few of the customers.  Turns to leave, throws the bag into the air and shoots it with the shotgun and then leaves.  A few days later he returns with the same gun and a new paper bag.  The manager meets him at the door and wants to know why he  made such a mess and then left.  The redneck explained that he was in management training and he needed to learn how to have coffee with the fellows. shoot the **** and leave the mess for someone else to clean up.

Bill Dane    99  CC  Allure
 
Back
Top Bottom