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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 189312 times)

DRam

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #240 on: July 27, 2013, 08:44:55 PM »
Ole had a bit of a tough day down at his fish processing business.  When running the slicer that took the heads of he somehow ran both hands through.  All ten digits on his hands fell on the floor.  Somehow he managed to use his nose to dial 911, and got outside.  An ambulance arrived, he was packed in and taken to the emergency room.  There a doctor stemmed the bleeding and then asked Ole where his fingers were.

 "Back at the fish house," he answered.

"Good Lord man, if you had brought them we could re-attach them.  With today's techniques you'd even be able to use them.  Why on earth didn't you bring them?"

"Vell," said Ole, "how vould I pick 'em up?"

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #241 on: July 27, 2013, 09:52:01 PM »
Why Chapstick was invented.

Cowboy was sitting in front of a saloon, when a dusty cowboy rode into town. He got off his horse went around to the back of his horse. He lifted the horse's tail and proceeded to kiss the horses ass.

The cowboy who was watching the whole thing could not believe what he saw.  He went to the dusty cowboy and asked him what he was doing?

The dusty cowboy said he was so dry his lips were chapped. 

The cowboy said that helps the lips?

The dusty cowboy said NO, but it keeps me from licking them........
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #242 on: July 28, 2013, 07:30:05 AM »
THE DEAD COW LECTURE

 This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.
 
  First-year students at the Purdue Veterinary School were attending
their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
 
  The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his
finger in his mouth.

 "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
 
  The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
 
  When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

carson

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #243 on: July 29, 2013, 03:48:49 PM »
New ideas on RV conversions and repairs.... Redneck style

Enjoy....    >>>   http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/redneck_vehicles.htm

Carson, 
 West Central Florida
Ex RV'er. (1995 Winnebago Adventurer)
2007 Buick Rendezvous, SUV / CROSSOVER

...Logic works like a charm...

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #244 on: August 10, 2013, 08:48:42 AM »
One day an  Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw  a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's
certainly not a ship.'  As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule
out even the  possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
   
    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit
stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
   
    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
   
    'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
   
    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
   
    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.  'Faith
and begorrah' said the castaway' that is so  good! I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
   
    'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers
Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
   
    Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
   
    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to  him.
   
    He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the
gods!' shouted the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
   
    At this  point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
   
    With tears  in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too?'
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

ndaugbjerg

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #245 on: August 10, 2013, 10:51:30 AM »
Word of the week: (this applies to a lot of us oldtimers)

             "Exhaustipated"   When you are too tired to give a shit.
NDaugbjerg

Wi1dBill

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #246 on: August 10, 2013, 05:36:13 PM »
Old Navy Guy  goes down to the ship yards dressed  in his old navy uniform and start as telling the young sailores about the old days... after their watch they in invite the old guy out to the bars for a drink.  After a couple hours the old guy picks up a hooker and take her back to his place.. After a bit he's on top pumping away and asks "How I'm  doing?

She relies 3 Knots..

3 Knots what  does that mean?
She says " Not Up
                Not In
                And getting your money back
                 

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #247 on: October 05, 2013, 01:40:19 PM »
Two elderly women were out driving in a large Motor Home. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my, am I driving?"
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
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inscop

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #248 on: October 06, 2013, 01:44:15 PM »
Lawyer Jokes.......................

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Man, it is cold.
How cold is it?
It's so cold, I saw an attorney with his hands in his OWN pockets.

What's the difference between an attorney and a prostitute?
A prostitute will usually stop screwing you when you die.
Rig: 2014 Forest River FR3
Furry non-verbal son:  Coqui, the Wonder Dog
Alpine, CA

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #249 on: October 07, 2013, 10:17:12 AM »
An man staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby
darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and
proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble
his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his
wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied,
Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at
the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but, mostly....it's all those darn  Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

TonyDtorch

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #250 on: October 07, 2013, 09:23:35 PM »
California joke'

One moon lit night my girlfriend and I were up at lake Arrowhead necking in the car... and things were getting kinda heavy,

and she asked me if I would kiss her where it smells.

reluctantly, I did what I had to do........... I drove her down to Norco..

 ::)
« Last Edit: October 07, 2013, 10:02:36 PM by TonyDtorch »

catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #251 on: October 09, 2013, 01:42:54 PM »
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

inscop

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #252 on: October 09, 2013, 06:37:02 PM »
So that's how it's gonna be, huh?  We're gonna pick on seniors???

The old guy's cell phone rings and he answers it.  It's his wife.

"Honey, I knew you were going to be on Route 30 and they just announced on TV there is a wrong way driver, so be careful."

"ONE!  There's HUNDREDS of them!"
Rig: 2014 Forest River FR3
Furry non-verbal son:  Coqui, the Wonder Dog
Alpine, CA

Jim Godward

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #253 on: October 09, 2013, 06:51:25 PM »

 Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question
was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground
where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


Jim
Jim & Pat Godward
AC7PO & KD7ZDM
Hillsboro, Oregon

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #254 on: October 09, 2013, 07:54:36 PM »
 We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV, iPad (internet access, that is) were shut down. And it was raining, so I couldn't golf.

So I talked to my wife for a few hours.............She seems like a nice person.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

TonyDtorch

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #255 on: October 09, 2013, 08:52:21 PM »
an elderly lady going down a Texas highway was going a bit too fast so a state trooper hit his lights and pulls her over.

as he approached the drivers side window he notices a revolver on the dash,

 he asks the old lady, "ma'am, is that gun is loaded?

and she says "yes it is",

he asks her if she has any other firearms in the car, she says...... "yes, I have loaded 380 auto in my purse and a loaded 45 in the glove box"....

the officer says to her..." ma'am....what exactly are you afraid of ?"

she says......"Not a damn thing, officer"

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #256 on: October 10, 2013, 01:52:51 PM »
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Louie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #257 on: October 10, 2013, 02:07:42 PM »
True story...really..I heard this as a joke but got to use it later.

I told my ex-wife later after everything had been settled and cooled down that I had considered giving her everything....our truck, corvettes, home, and airboat. under one condition. She thought that was nice and smiled saying "what made you consider that after such a rough divorce". I replied that the condition was that she had to get remarried first so there would be at least one SOB wishing I was still alive.
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

gwcowgill

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #258 on: October 16, 2013, 09:44:24 PM »
Went to my Cardiologist the other day...
He said I needed to have a stress test so I asked him why and he said what do you mean?

I said I am married!

The wife said wait till you get home!

True story.
2009 Bounder 36B, 2014 Honda CR-V, various grandchildren when school is out. KG4LHS
2014 Honda CRV Toad,
2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee Toad

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #259 on: October 16, 2013, 10:36:25 PM »
Why do I believe that (The political spin story)  is not a joke but a fact :)?

Oh well, you got to know folks the best jokes are true stories,, I mean absolutly true stories.

Man calls 9-1-1 (No,  If you don't believe me perhaps I should tell you I'm the one who answered that call).  He's telling me about the car in front of him swerving all over the road, clearly he's drunk (I notice the caller is a bit slurred)  Troopers are dispatched,

The "Reported" Driver was going straight down the road.. The caller,, Went strait to jail.. What charge.. Well you see that car in front of him did appear to be weaving from where he sat.. Weaving his drunken way down the road.

Got logged as a good call. The man reported a drunken driver, We arrested a drunken driver...   Could be worse....

Car pulles in to a State Police parking lot, parks in the NO PARKING zone, the couple get out, arguing, and the man who was driving (Observed to be driving by the desk Sgt.) comes in and loudly demands a breath-a-lizer test.. Seems his wife claimed he was too drunk to drive,  He disagreed..

He was

So was she

But she got to go home in a yellow cab
He went to his hotel room in a blue one... And that hotel, they don't give you the key.
A local boy was arrested for indecent exposure, he was caught relieving himself in a public place. He wrote to the newspaper complaining about his treatment by the police. Yes he was drunk and yes it was inappropriate but felt over a dozen police and six squad cars were overkill for his offense. After all he cooperated with the arresting officers. The resulting investigation of his complaint revealed the incident took place took place in the detachment parking lot at shift change.
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Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #260 on: October 17, 2013, 08:46:25 AM »
Subject: A New Study
 
A South American scientist, from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient sexual activities read their e-mails with
their hand on the mouse.
 
Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #261 on: October 17, 2013, 06:07:13 PM »
I would post a joke save Nov is coming and on the 1st Tuesday after the 1st monday.... Well you know what happens then.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Jim Godward

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #262 on: November 03, 2013, 09:09:54 PM »
We thought it might be time to once again share a precious moment from the film 'Buck' where Betsy recites Buck's favorite joke; from a time when Buck was a little bit younger.

“'A sea captain sees an armed pirate ship approaching in the distance, and yells to his men, ‘Get me my red shirt so that if they hit me they won’t see me bleed!’
Moments later, to his profound shock and dismay, he sees approaching over the horizon a dozen other armed pirate ships behind the first one, and yells to his men, ‘Get me my brown pants!’”
Jim
Jim & Pat Godward
AC7PO & KD7ZDM
Hillsboro, Oregon

inscop

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #263 on: November 04, 2013, 03:36:14 PM »
There are too many jokes posted to read them all, so I searched for a keyword prior to posting this.  Hope this is not a repeat:

A drunk stumbles into a church and wanders around until he finds the confessional.  He steps inside and closes the door.  The priest, clears his throat, with no response.  Finally, he taps on the window to which the drunk replies, "No use knocking, Buddy.  There's no paper on this side either.
Rig: 2014 Forest River FR3
Furry non-verbal son:  Coqui, the Wonder Dog
Alpine, CA

tstumpf

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #264 on: December 02, 2013, 09:52:28 AM »
What do you call a backseat driver? A nagavator.

My Samsung Galaxy is set to "postman", so every time I get a new email or (or purchase confirmation), a bell rings. Trevor's new saying this season: "Every time a bell rings, Roni got some new things". Man, do I get in trouble when my mother's on the computer sending me all the forwards in her in box! Ring, ring, ring!!!!!

tstumpf

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #265 on: January 01, 2014, 10:53:00 AM »
Holiday Woes

The wail heard around the campground: "Does my butt make these jeans look small?"

Jim Godward

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #266 on: February 10, 2014, 12:16:54 PM »
I just got this on in my Email.  Enjoy!

http://biggeekdad.com/2010/10/side-by-side/
Jim
Jim & Pat Godward
AC7PO & KD7ZDM
Hillsboro, Oregon

Jim Godward

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #267 on: February 28, 2014, 04:55:39 PM »
Considering the weather in the Midwest now, I have to post this one.  Sorry guys!



God created the Midwest

On the    sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create an area of land called The Midwest.   It will be a land of    outstanding natural beauty.   It shall have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout,  forests full of deer and turkeys, valleys with fertile soil with an  abundance nutrients    to grow things, and rivers teeming with fish." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Midwesterners, and they shall be known as the most friendly
people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Midwesterners??"
 
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"

Jim
Jim & Pat Godward
AC7PO & KD7ZDM
Hillsboro, Oregon

SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #268 on: February 28, 2014, 05:36:17 PM »
Very good Jim. I am an ex-midwesterner so I loved it.

Some one asked me if I believed in astrology. I told him I was a Gemini and Geminis don't believe in astrology.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #269 on: March 01, 2014, 10:15:34 PM »
Gemini's are always over-weight.....

They are eating for two...

Jim
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

 

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