Post a joke

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Four men walking down the street pass a bar with a sign in window, all drinks ten cents each.

They can't believe their luck, go inside and ask the bartender if the sign was for real, and if true why?

The bartender said I hit the lottery, always wanted to own a bar and make drinks affordable.

The four men ordered drinks, and the bill was fourthy cents.

At the other end of the bar there were two elderly couples sitting and just talking, not drinking.

The men asked the bartender what was there story?

The bartender said that they were from Florida, and we're waiting for Happy Hour for two fer's.



 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn''t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there way home.

The next day the first woman''s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That''s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station. We''ll never forget you.''"
 
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need

      to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

    "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,


    "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks..................

    in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies,

    "Hurts, don't it?!"
 
The Dog's Diary vs. The Cat's Diary

The Dog?s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat?s Diary

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ?good little hunter? I am. Bastards!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ?allergies.? I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ?
 
Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.'  We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like  steaks, milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'tofu' or 'tampons. For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
(former applies mainly to engineers).
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.  The true answer is always either golf,  cars, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't?? and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine  With the belt or without it, looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest..... Like hosing down the patio and wandering around in the garden with a  soda wondering what to do next.
_______________________________________________
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Sharon
 
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY FROM SEAJAY

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger.

After he eats he stands up, stretches and pulls out a gun.

He shoots everyone in the room except the bartender.

The panda then puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave.

As he walks out the door the bartender asks the panda why he shot everyone.

The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia.

The bartender looks up panda and he reads

"Panda: A large black and white mammal native to China that eats shoots and leaves."

Your daily giggle courtesy of the U.S. Navy......
look again tomorrow ......cj..
 
Funny story -

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately  gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.  They  were not in my pockets or purse.  A quick search in the meeting room  revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.  Frantically,  I headed for the parking lot.  My husband, David, has scolded me many  times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition  is the best place not to lose them.  His theory is that the car will be  stolen.  As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.  His theory was right.  The parking lot was  empty.

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed  that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I  made the most difficult call of all, ?Honey,? I stammered.  I always  call him ?honey? in times like these.  ?I left my keys in the car,  and it has been stolen.?

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped,  but then I heard David?s voice. ?Betty? he barked, ?I dropped  you off!?  Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said,  ?Well, come and get me.? David retorted, ?I will, as soon as I  convince this policeman I have not stolen your car??
 
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY FROM SEAJAY
Post this on your bathroom mirror and have a ''Giggle with your Gargle''

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.




The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


(note.  I am not writing these Puns.  They are being sent to me by a former friend
that still owes me money because he hates me)....cj....
 
puns.  the lowest form of humor.

How about just posting punchline and let us fill in the rest.  Then if we can't, we will have found the new one.

 
PUNCHLINE FOR PANCAKE BILL..............
and everyone else interested ......lol......

''Someone has to go WEE, WEEEE, WEEEEEEEEE all the way home.........''
(I will give you the body of the ''pun'' in two days unless someone guesses the body'')

Your daily brain teaser courtesy of the United States Navy
and all veterans of all armed forces of every stripe and color.

(before I get comments on the ''stripe and color'' comment .......
that is refering to their rank and the color of their uniform oF our brave fighting men
and women in our armed forces.... IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE)
God bless our troops and bring them home safe and soon .....
 
Your daily Pun courtesy of the U. S. Navy.  the greatest fighting force in the world...


Subject: PUNS - VOICES



A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and sits down.  Then he orders a drink.



After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.  "Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn?t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off.



After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

?Hey mister! Sweet shoes!?

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers.



Shaking his head, he sips once more.  Again the voice, ?Hey mister! Cool shirt!?

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

?Hey barkeep,? he begins, ?what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing??







?Oh, those are the peanuts,? he replies. ?They?re complimentary.?





Dont blame me for the content of the puns.  I do not wirte them....

Veterans gave us our freedoms.
Friday is National Hug a Veteran day......
 
Molaker said:
Telling filthy jokes is not appreciated on this forum.
Obviously you are thinking about ''#26'' because I heard ''#27'' from my sunday school teacher over the P.A. system on the church bus while we were coming back from a tent revival last Wednsday nite.  The whole bus laughed and the driver laughed so hard he almost ran in the ditch because he was crying from laughing.


Lets all thank our troops for a great job when they get home.......
 
A young man applied for a sales position in a local department store.  Being young, it took some convincing that he was the man they were looking for, so he was hired on a trial basis.  After only one week, the sales manager called him to talk about the new salesman?s week.  The manager was impressed.  The new salesman had exceeded all expectations.  In fact, he had broken all existing sales records.  So, he asked the new salesman how he did it.

?Well, a feller came in and I sold him some fish hooks.  Then I told him since he has new fish hooks, he ought to get some new fishing line.  So, I sold him some new line.  Then I told him since he had new hooks and new line, a new rod and reel would look nice.  So, I sold him a new rod and reel.  Then I told him that he a need some new fishing lures to go with his new rod and reel.  So, I sold him two of each type of lures the store carries and a new tackle box to carry them in.?

The sales manager said, ?That?s great salesmanship, but it doesn?t explain the total sales figure I have here.  Is that all??

?Well, not exactly,? the new salesman said, ?I did manage to sell him a bit more.  I told him since he had all this new fishing equipment, he ought to have a new boat so he could, get to the good fishing spots.  So, I sold him a new 19? bassboat with a 200 HP outboard engine on a tandem axle trailer.?

?Wow!  Now that?s really good salesmanship.  You are going to go places, son.  But, it still doesn?t explain these figures.  Is that all??

?Well, not exactly,? the new salesman said, ?I told the guy he was well on his way to the best fishing trip of his life, if he just had a way to tow the boat to the lake.  So, I sold him a new Dodge 4x4 extended cab pickup with full tow package.?

?Wonderful!? the manager cried.  ?So, that?s where these figures come from.  All that and the guy only came in for fish hooks??

?Well, not exactly,? the new salesman said.  ?The feller came in for feminine napkins and I told him since he wasn?t doing anything this weekend he may as well go fishing.?
 
After three months of watching two young men filling and rolling wheelbarrows every day with dirt from the lot next door, I went over and asked what was going on?

They replied, "Uncle Jim Bob passed and left us this lot so we're taking it home"
 
They replied, "Uncle Jim Bob passed and left us this lot so we're taking it home"

Kind of reminds me of the joke from the Stalin days in Russia

Every day after work, these two workers wheeled out a wheelbarrel at the end of the work day. Finally a co-worker asked what they were working on. They replied none, just stealing wheelbarrels.
 

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