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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 174326 times)

greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #300 on: October 13, 2014, 10:34:13 AM »
 A few one liners;

     No matter how you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

     A hole has been discovered in a nudist camp wall, police are looking into it.

     A toddler swallowed some coins, when his uncle called the hospital to find out his status he was told "no change".

     Don't join dangerous cults, practice "safe sects".

     The short fortune-teller that escaped from prison might be said to be a small medium at large.
     


"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

THEBigLarry

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #301 on: October 15, 2014, 06:41:40 AM »
I read a statistic recently that most American men had sex on average
of twice per week.

The same statistics indicate Japanese men had sex on average of four
times per year.  I found this very disturbing.  I had no idea I was Japanese.

Larry and Loretta Dodd
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therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #302 on: November 01, 2014, 10:13:50 AM »
 Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets' and only ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.        He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.   
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.        Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.        Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!        When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.         To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one.   
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Cheltenham Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded old Butch the " No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.        Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.         Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
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greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #303 on: November 01, 2014, 02:57:35 PM »
A few more one liners:

I went to an opthamologist  while touring Alaskan islands, you might say he was an optical Aleutian.

A rubber band was confiscated from a student in an algebra class because it could be a weapon of math disruption.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France might end up with linoleum blown-apart.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #304 on: November 03, 2014, 03:59:05 PM »
> I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
>>>>
>>>> We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>>>>
>>>> I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>>>>
>>>> The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
>>>> orange, and blue.
>>>>
>>>> My dad kept staring at her.
>>>>
>>>> The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
>>>>
>>>> When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
>>>> "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
>>>>
>>>> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't
>>>> choke on his response; I knew it'd be good!
>>>>
>>>> In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
>>>> "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

TonyDtorch

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #305 on: November 03, 2014, 10:06:48 PM »
I named my dog "Five Miles".

just so I can tell my friends I walk Five Miles every day.....
« Last Edit: November 03, 2014, 10:09:40 PM by TonyDtorch »

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #306 on: November 03, 2014, 10:16:07 PM »
THE DEBT CEILING EXPLAINED

* Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING

* SO - Allow me to explain.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in
your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do -- raise the ceiling or pump out the crap?
Your choice is coming in November.
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

Tom Hoffman

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My Wife Said...
« Reply #307 on: November 11, 2014, 07:21:07 PM »
Recent conversation with the wife...

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

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John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #308 on: November 12, 2014, 06:28:17 AM »
Good one.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #309 on: November 15, 2014, 10:33:32 AM »
yet more one liners;
   She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    A butcher backed into a the meat grinder a got a little behind in his work.

    A dog gave birth to puppies on a roadside and was cited for littering.

    Two silk worms had a race, but they ended up in a tie.

    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    Two hats on a rack; one says to the other "you just hang out here, I'll go on ahead.

    Atheism is a not-prophet enterprise.
 8)

   
"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #310 on: November 15, 2014, 03:41:28 PM »
Speaking of religion. I once dated a Jehovah's Witness, but it didn't work out and I had to break it off. I think it really bothered her because she kept knocking on my door!
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

mypursuit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #311 on: November 15, 2014, 07:46:13 PM »
I saw a sign the other day that said," Need Help?   Call Jesus, 800-555 4321." I did and a guy showed up with a lawn mower. 
1997 Georgie Boy Pursuit     2008 Ford Focus
P-30 / 454 Chevy w/ Stan's Headers, ceramic plug wires, cold air intake and K-N Air cleaner
Home Port Whidbey Island Washington
U.S. Navy 1970 - 1990
"Truth is the hardest thing you'll find, because you can't change it in the slightest way. " J. Paycheck

greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #312 on: November 16, 2014, 09:02:23 AM »
Saw a hitchhiker along the road the other day holding a sign that said "heading for heaven", so I swerved and hit him---always trying to help folks get to their destinations, you know.
"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #313 on: November 16, 2014, 10:04:36 AM »
What is the best things about kids?  Making them!!!!!
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
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cadee2c

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #314 on: November 16, 2014, 03:32:23 PM »
This is not a joke, because it really is pretty darn cold here...How cold is it?


 Its so cold I just farted snow flakes.



Caryl- Pilot
Bob- Navigator
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Buddy the Dog-  Soul Mutt, forever in our hearts.


1997 Holiday Rambler Endeavor
2010 Jeep Liberty

Follow your arrow, wherever it points

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #315 on: November 19, 2014, 08:35:08 AM »
I recently read a statistic that said the average american male has sex twice a week and the average Japanese male has sex only four times a year.
This was very disturbing to me, because I just realized I'm Japanese!
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #316 on: November 19, 2014, 10:06:34 AM »
I recently read a statistic that said the average american male has sex twice a week and the average Japanese male has sex only four times a year.
This was very disturbing to me, because I just realized I'm Japanese!
You recently read that statistic here a few posts back. ;D
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #317 on: November 20, 2014, 08:38:45 AM »
You recently read that statistic here a few posts back. ;D
Actually I got it in an email, but I'll try to do better next time.  :)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question 'what is the resurrection', a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said,
'I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.'
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue the service.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #318 on: November 20, 2014, 12:23:56 PM »
Actually I got it in an email, but I'll try to do better next time.  :)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question 'what is the resurrection', a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said,
'I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.'
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue the service.
That's better. :)
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #319 on: November 20, 2014, 01:05:02 PM »
Happy Harragin (Also known or rather played by Art Linkletter) on his actor's show (The Art Linkletter show) used to feature a segment "Kids Say The Darndest Things".

Well, long and short of it is.. They do too.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #320 on: November 20, 2014, 04:26:49 PM »
The Power of the Torah
 

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble.  His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody.

It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.  As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your  chumash [a term for Torah in printed form as opposed to the Torah scroll]  in your car and drive down to the beach.

Take  the beach chair and the chumash to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the chumash  in your lap.  Open the  chumash; the wind will riffle  the pages, but finally the open  chumash  will come to rest on a page.  Look down at the page and read the first thing you see.  That will be your answer.  That will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him.  The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.  The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious.

"You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with a chumash in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

SMR

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #321 on: November 20, 2014, 06:24:57 PM »
dreaming.....
Gonna put the world away for a minute......
Steve
2016 Bighorn 3760 EL
2015 Ford F350
me, DW and our 2 dogs

cadee2c

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #322 on: November 20, 2014, 09:17:16 PM »
Quote
Happy Harragin (Also known or rather played by Art Linkletter) on his actor's show (The Art Linkletter show) used to feature a segment "Kids Say The Darndest Things".

Well, long and short of it is.. They do too.

Darndest thing my son ever said....When he was 5 years old, standing behind 3-4 cops during a neighborhood festival at a park.... "Mom, is it true cops only go out after coffee and donuts?  :-[
Caryl- Pilot
Bob- Navigator
Mister Hank - homeland security
Buddy the Dog-  Soul Mutt, forever in our hearts.


1997 Holiday Rambler Endeavor
2010 Jeep Liberty

Follow your arrow, wherever it points

greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #323 on: November 21, 2014, 08:22:27 AM »
Blond inventions:

water proof towel

a book entitled "how to read"

a dictionary index

inflatable dart board

powdered water

water proof tea bag

"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #324 on: November 28, 2014, 06:58:18 AM »
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his widow. Trouble is, she can't touch it until she is 14.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #325 on: November 28, 2014, 08:59:39 AM »
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
You think they went after water??
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 5 months

greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #326 on: November 29, 2014, 07:37:42 AM »
  A wife standing nude in front of her husband asks him; "what turns you on most about me, my intelligence, my face, or my body?". He replies; "your sense of humor".
"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

THEBigLarry

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #327 on: November 29, 2014, 03:34:49 PM »
  A wife standing nude in front of her husband asks him; "what turns you on most about me, my intelligence, my face, or my body?". He replies; "your sense of humor".

When is the funeral?
Larry and Loretta Dodd
2007 American Eagle 42' 500 Big Horses
2014 Jeep Rubicon  "LoLa II"
2005 Harley Davidson Ultra Classic
Living Life at Full Throttle!  
FULL TIME as of Aug 1, 2014.

Foxysdad

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #328 on: December 01, 2014, 07:47:28 PM »
Hypnotist at a Senior Home


 It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

 After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
 for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

 Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
 trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,"
 said Claude.

 The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew,
 from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and
 chain.

 "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
 watch high for all to see.

 "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
 six generations," said Claude.

 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
 chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

 The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

 The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

 A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
 swaying watch.

 They were all hypnotized.

 And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

 The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

 "SHIT," shouted Claude.

 It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens'
 Centre and Claude was never invited back again.

Howard Kelly, Sherry Bryon, and our furry creature Foxy
Comox B.C. Canada
2005 Chevy 2500 Durmax
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Always looking for SUNSHINE

Life is short, dance like no one is watching

greensleep

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #329 on: December 04, 2014, 03:29:43 PM »
2 blonds flying to Miami:
   15 minutes into the flight, the captain announces "An engine has failed, not to worry though, we've still got 3 others, however the flight will now take 3 hours longer". Thirty minutes later the captain announces "Folks, we've lost another engine, but don't worry we still have 2; the flight will, unfortunately, now take another 3 hours to arrive". An hour later the captain announces "One more of our engines has failed, but we're safe, we still have one engine; again, though, the flight will now take yet another 3 hours to complete, Sorry." One blond looks at the other and says "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."
"Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy"    Ilyea Kuriaken, Man From Uncle

 

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