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A few one liners;

    No matter how you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

    A hole has been discovered in a nudist camp wall, police are looking into it.

    A toddler swallowed some coins, when his uncle called the hospital to find out his status he was told "no change".

    Don't join dangerous cults, practice "safe sects".

    The short fortune-teller that escaped from prison might be said to be a small medium at large.
   


 
I read a statistic recently that most American men had sex on average
of twice per week.

The same statistics indicate Japanese men had sex on average of four
times per year.  I found this very disturbing.  I had no idea I was Japanese.

 
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets' and only ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.        He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. 
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.        Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.        Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!        When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.        To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. 
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Cheltenham Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded old Butch the " No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.        Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.        Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
 
A few more one liners:

I went to an opthamologist  while touring Alaskan islands, you might say he was an optical Aleutian.

A rubber band was confiscated from a student in an algebra class because it could be a weapon of math disruption.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France might end up with linoleum blown-apart.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
> I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
>>>>
>>>> We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>>>>
>>>> I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>>>>
>>>> The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
>>>> orange, and blue.
>>>>
>>>> My dad kept staring at her.
>>>>
>>>> The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
>>>>
>>>> When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
>>>> "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
>>>>
>>>> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't
>>>> choke on his response; I knew it'd be good!
>>>>
>>>> In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
>>>> "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
 
I named my dog "Five Miles".

just so I can tell my friends I walk Five Miles every day.....
 
THE DEBT CEILING EXPLAINED

* Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING

* SO - Allow me to explain.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in
your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do -- raise the ceiling or pump out the crap?
Your choice is coming in November.
 
yet more one liners;
  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    A butcher backed into a the meat grinder a got a little behind in his work.

    A dog gave birth to puppies on a roadside and was cited for littering.

    Two silk worms had a race, but they ended up in a tie.

    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    Two hats on a rack; one says to the other "you just hang out here, I'll go on ahead.

    Atheism is a not-prophet enterprise.
8)

   
 
Speaking of religion. I once dated a Jehovah's Witness, but it didn't work out and I had to break it off. I think it really bothered her because she kept knocking on my door!
 
I saw a sign the other day that said," Need Help?  Call Jesus, 800-555 4321." I did and a guy showed up with a lawn mower. 
 
Saw a hitchhiker along the road the other day holding a sign that said "heading for heaven", so I swerved and hit him---always trying to help folks get to their destinations, you know.
 
This is not a joke, because it really is pretty darn cold here...How cold is it?


Its so cold I just farted snow flakes.



 
I recently read a statistic that said the average american male has sex twice a week and the average Japanese male has sex only four times a year.
This was very disturbing to me, because I just realized I'm Japanese!
 
TheNewhalls said:
I recently read a statistic that said the average american male has sex twice a week and the average Japanese male has sex only four times a year.
This was very disturbing to me, because I just realized I'm Japanese!
You recently read that statistic here a few posts back. ;D
 
Molaker said:
You recently read that statistic here a few posts back. ;D
Actually I got it in an email, but I'll try to do better next time.  :)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question 'what is the resurrection', a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said,
'I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.'
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue the service.
 
TheNewhalls said:
Actually I got it in an email, but I'll try to do better next time.  :)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question 'what is the resurrection', a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said,
'I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.'
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue the service.
That's better. :)
 
Happy Harragin (Also known or rather played by Art Linkletter) on his actor's show (The Art Linkletter show) used to feature a segment "Kids Say The Darndest Things".

Well, long and short of it is.. They do too.
 

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