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The Power of the Torah
 

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble.  His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody.

It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.  As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your  chumash [a term for Torah in printed form as opposed to the Torah scroll]  in your car and drive down to the beach.

Take  the beach chair and the chumash to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the chumash  in your lap.  Open the  chumash; the wind will riffle  the pages, but finally the open  chumash  will come to rest on a page.  Look down at the page and read the first thing you see.  That will be your answer.  That will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him.  The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.  The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious.

"You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with a chumash in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."
 
Happy Harragin (Also known or rather played by Art Linkletter) on his actor's show (The Art Linkletter show) used to feature a segment "Kids Say The Darndest Things".

Well, long and short of it is.. They do too.

Darndest thing my son ever said....When he was 5 years old, standing behind 3-4 cops during a neighborhood festival at a park.... "Mom, is it true cops only go out after coffee and donuts?  :-[
 
Blond inventions:

water proof towel

a book entitled "how to read"

a dictionary index

inflatable dart board

powdered water

water proof tea bag

 
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
You think they went after water??
 
  A wife standing nude in front of her husband asks him; "what turns you on most about me, my intelligence, my face, or my body?". He replies; "your sense of humor".
 
greensleep said:
  A wife standing nude in front of her husband asks him; "what turns you on most about me, my intelligence, my face, or my body?". He replies; "your sense of humor".

When is the funeral?
 
Hypnotist at a Senior Home


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,"
said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew,
from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and
chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"****," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens'
Centre and Claude was never invited back again.

 
2 blonds flying to Miami:
  15 minutes into the flight, the captain announces "An engine has failed, not to worry though, we've still got 3 others, however the flight will now take 3 hours longer". Thirty minutes later the captain announces "Folks, we've lost another engine, but don't worry we still have 2; the flight will, unfortunately, now take another 3 hours to arrive". An hour later the captain announces "One more of our engines has failed, but we're safe, we still have one engine; again, though, the flight will now take yet another 3 hours to complete, Sorry." One blond looks at the other and says "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."
 
Recently there were a flurry of colonoscopy jokes posted. I occasionally work in a GI(gastro-intestinal) suite administering anesthesia to the patients. One of the questions we occasionally hear is "is there a difference between the endoscopy scopes used for an upper GI tract (EGD) procedure and the ones used for a lower tract (colonoscopy) procedure?".  Well, yes actually,-------- the taste.

Just a joke
 
My friend Henry Wishard explained the difference between a
Plumber and a Pipefitter.  He said a Pipefitter will bite his fingernails.

You have to think about it for a minute or two.
 
A boy in biology class asks his teacher ""can kids our age have children?"  His teacher responds emphatically, "no, never!"  The boy leans over to the girl sitting next to him and whispers "see, I told you not to worry."
 
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.  It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money!
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your  Miami Heat season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your African safari and 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
 
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, ?Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen??
Dr. Drobkin replied, ?Well, young man, no, it isn?t. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away.?
?Why haven?t you visited?? asked the desk clerk.
?Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I?ve been too ashamed to return.?
The clerk consoled him, ?Sir, while I don?t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn?t even remembered by others. I bet that?s true of your incident too.?
Dr. Drobkin replied, ?Son, I doubt that?s the case with my embarrassment.?
?Was it a long time ago??
?Yes, many years.?
The clerk asked, ?Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart??
 
I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate ? A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
Three  friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and  friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them  to say?' 
 
Artie  said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual  leader, and a great family man.' 
 
Eugene  commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of  God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' 
 
Al said:  'I'd like them to say, 'Hey look, he's moving!' 
 
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