Post a joke

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that
afternoon? The son says "I did some schoolwork" The Robot slaps the son.
The son say "OK, OK I was at a friend's house watching movies".
Dad asks what movie did you watch? The son says "Toy Story." The Robot slaps the son.
The son says "OK, OK we were watching porn!" The dad says "what? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The Robot slaps the father! Mom laughs and says "well he's certainly your son!" The Robot slaps the mother.

The Stella Awards!

Have not seen this one for a while It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for year -- 2014:

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen

Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more ... Double hand scratching after this one...

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot...

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE absolutely brilliant!

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

Pulled over for speeding


A  mature lady gets pulled over for  speeding...  

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?  
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.  

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.  

Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.  

Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Traffic Cop:  Why not?

Older  Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.  

Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.  

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
The  woman steps out of her vehicle.  

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer  2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.  

Officer  2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite  stunned.  

Officer  2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.  

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license quizzically.  

Officer  2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman:  Bet the lying son of a gun told you I was speeding,  too.

A blonde working in an office notices that her female boss left early every day with an hour or more of work day still remaining. The blonde decides she'll take off early right after the boss leaves the next day and see how it works out. The next day, after her boss leaves, she also leaves, planning on getting some chores at home done. Upon her arrival home, she starts to go into her bedroom to change clothes, but opening the door, sees her husband in bed making love to her boss.  The next day at work, her coworker asks her if she was planning to go home early each day; she replied that no, she almost got caught.

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart



A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love ... who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand ... what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

You will have seen these instructions before however a refresher course on driving in Florida is always a good idea. 8)

Driving Directions in Florida

When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75," "take I-4" or "take I-95."

When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew. ;D

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. To 10 A.M. And 4 P.M. To 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.

Freeways can only go north and south ... Not east and west except Alligator Alley.

Tolls are a fact of life; the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 ( Tampa area) will always be under construction ... that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.

Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.

If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost! If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to BACK UP!

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number ( I. E. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection,

Eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.

Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. ;D

Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake,

Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.

In south Florida the four seasons are summer.

There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays ... Not weeknights or weekends ... that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside.

But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be canceled...

The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades.

You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.

Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.

True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami...

These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin.

Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least one piece of gold.

Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.

Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers.

When seen the head always has white hair and over-sized, black wrap-around sunglasses.

This would be even funnier if it weren't so true! 8)

A retired teacher told this one the other day. The student was doing math homework at the table and talking to himself. "5+3 and the sunofabeech is 8. 6+3 and the sunofabeech is 9". His mother was horrified, contacted the school and demanded to know what was being taught. The teacher roared. He had said 5+3 and the sum of which is 8

I just returned from a symposium of enterprise risk managers.
At the hotel where the event took place, a guy who obviously had too much to drink took the center stage.
He grabbed the microphone and announced, "All risk managers are crooks. If you disagree, come on up here and challenge me."
At that moment, a guy stomped forward and yelled, "I resent that remark!"
The guy holding the microphone said, "Are you a risk manager?"
The other guy said, "Hell no! I'm a crook!"

breaking Hollywood news.........

One in every two and a half men has AIDS......

breaking World  news ........it looks like Russia will be having Turkey for Thanksgiving...

Recently a cardiologist died, at his funeral there was a huge heart shaped  form behind his casket. After the final eulogy had been delivered by a family member, the heart opened with a sliding door and the casket was wheeled into the heart, then the heart's door was closed to end the ceremony. A loud guffaw was heard coming from the crowd of mourners; as people turned to see who would show such disrespect to the deceased and his family, the laughing man said that this ceremony had him considering his own funeral in the future---he was a gynecologist. At this time another person fainted---a proctologist.

The old adage "money talks" is right on----mine says "goodbye".

https://www.facebook.com/RVRepairClub/photos/a.822656964478055.1073741828.808486539228431/900422656701485/?type=3

Why did the pirate take a vacation?

He needed some RRRRR and RRRRR.


What kind of socks does a pirate wear?

RRRRgyle

    Paster came into the 4 year old sunday school class and told the children that they are remembering military members that have died. 
a little boy ask where they had died.  The minister told him that had died in service.  Little boy ask if it was the 9 o'clock or 11 o'clock service.

Bill Dane
99 Country Coach Allure
Now in Foothills [Yuma]

Blonde jokes...
DISNEYLANDTwo blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

2016 Seenager Thoughts to Ponder

Thought you would like this, I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne. Life is Good!

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this. Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too. and finally, Merry Christmas and a Happy 2016

Tom Hoffman said:

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!!

Click to expand...

When you enter a room and don't remember why you came in there, what really happened is you interrupted an extra-terrestrial doing something. And when the Men In Black finished taking care of the situation, they erased your memory of the event. But since they didn't know why you were walking into the room, they couldn't put that into the suggestion they gave you after "flashing" you.

Actually (This is a serious response, not a joke) when you enter a room and forget why it's called "The Door Effect" Seems that many times.. memory, or thoughts,, Stop at the door.

They actually did a study on this and that was their conclusion..  Please do not ask me to link to it or study it.. And they may have called it differently than I do, but that's what they found.