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What do you call an RV sitting in the hot summer sun without air conditioning?


Easy Bake Oven.
 
I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on
newspapers! ...Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!!!
 
A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 
After 38 years of marriage I have finally realized that marriage is two people alternately pushing down the garbage in the kitchen pail so they don?t have to be the one to take it out.
 
Senility strikes again.... 8)

[size=12pt]23 ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

(Ladies ... Quit Laughing! )

It just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my gas to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) - and how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!)
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Let Us Pray

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
 
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor, and lo behold ... and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the

Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Fr.

Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the

Priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle ... but wait ... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop, and, he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the

Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out."

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared

'No Miracle', because they think...

Murphy must have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
 
Now I seriously like that last one.. I'm a dedicated follower of Murphy.. Found him hanging around just this morning in fact and had to kick him out again (minor.. all it took was some careful moving of stuff and a bit of kitty litter)

But then what most folks do not know is this: Murphy was a WOMAN.. yes a WOMAN.... How do I know this.

Well you see when the Law was first discovered..... They wrote a song about it.

Seems that large cookpots/caldrons are kind of EXPENSIVE, always have been.. So a family might well have just one... IT's the Baby's bathtub on bath day.. it is the laundry tub on laundry day.. And today The Murphy's are hasving half the town over for chowder.  Don't know if it's the orange half or the green half but that's why it's only half.

Well imagine Mrs. Murphy's chagrin when they dip the ladle into the chowder pot and out comes.... A pair of her husband's concrete bespeckled work trousers..  I mean she fainted dead away at the sight..  Which of course is why nobody answered.


The crowd begain to chant/Sing:

Who threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder (Nobody answered so they shouted all the louder)
It's an Irish trick it's true, I can lick the Mick who threw.. The overhalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder.
 
?Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. ?

SENIOR DRIVER

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through

his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, ?you appear quite elderly to be driving.?

?Well, yes, I am,? she replied proudly. ?I?ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don?t even need a driver?s license anymore.

?The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver?s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ?You won?t need this anymore, ? so I thanked him and left!?
 
They used to make cars in Flint and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico.
Now they make cars in Mexico and you can't drink the water in Flint.
 
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Julie, who was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked what she?d like to have for her birthday since it wasn?t far off.

?I?d like to be eight again,? she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day!

I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

We staggered out of the theme park five hours later. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald?s and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

She finally wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, ?Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

?I meant my dress size, you @#! idiot!!!?

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!!! 8) 8)
 
A man stands by his grandpa who is dying at 130 years old.
His grandpa tells him, ?The secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder in your cereal every morning.?
Then he dies.
The boy listens to him and does it every morning.
At the age of 143 he leaves behind 3 wives, 14 children, 40 grandchildren, 78 great grandchildren, 167 great great grandchildren, and a mile wide hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
John From Detroit said:
Now I seriously like that last one.. I'm a dedicated follower of Murphy.. Found him hanging around just this morning in fact and had to kick him out again (minor.. all it took was some careful moving of stuff and a bit of kitty litter)

But then what most folks do not know is this: Murphy was a WOMAN.. yes a WOMAN.... How do I know this.

Well you see when the Law was first discovered..... They wrote a song about it.

Seems that large cookpots/caldrons are kind of EXPENSIVE, always have been.. So a family might well have just one... IT's the Baby's bathtub on bath day.. it is the laundry tub on laundry day.. And today The Murphy's are hasving half the town over for chowder.  Don't know if it's the orange half or the green half but that's why it's only half.

Well imagine Mrs. Murphy's chagrin when they dip the ladle into the chowder pot and out comes.... A pair of her husband's concrete bespeckled work trousers..  I mean she fainted dead away at the sight..  Which of course is why nobody answered.


The crowd begain to chant/Sing:

Who threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder (Nobody answered so they shouted all the louder)
It's an Irish trick it's true, I can lick the Mick who threw.. The overhalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder.

Comment deleted.
 
Bill.... Sorry about your monitor and keyboard.. you really should not read my posts with food/drink in your mouth :)

I like it when a post like that one gets quoted. Thanks.
 
ACTS 2:38

You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ?Stop! Acts 2:38!? (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, ?Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.?

?Scripture?? replied the burglar. ?She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!

Remember. Knowing scripture can save your life ;D
 
A twofer:

I was working hard to get into shape but suddenly realized that ROUND is a shape.

A man is incomplete until he gets married......then he is finished.
 

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