Post a joke

YOu know... the problem is... I believe most of that.. I truly believe it.

I have a friend who said: "Dosen't the 2nd amendment have something to do with overthrowing the government?"

Right, She wasw pontificating on the 2nd amendment long and loud, of course she had no clue... (Now this one learned, but took a bunch of us).

And what's wose. she is not even blond.

Father O'Malley walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of  the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was... a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local  police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"  "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . ... .............
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Don't be messing with an Irish priest.

Speeding up on the downhill...


1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat

4. I just did a week?s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don?t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don?t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I?ll just put an ?Out of Order? sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don?t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you?re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

....In Memoriam 

Remembering a great ICON of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and, share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Paddy and Mick...

Paddy and Mick were looking for work when they saw a sign saying help wanted. Going in they asked about getting a job.

The boss said I?ll need to ask a couple of questions to see if you?ll fit in.

So he takes Paddy into another room and asks ?if I stuck my finger in one of your eyes. What would be??

?Why! I?d be half blind, sur.?

?O.k. If I took two fingers and stuck them in both your eyes, what would be??

?I?d be totally blind, sur.?

?Good, good, you?ve got a job. Now send Mick in.?

As Mick entered, Paddy said, ?just remember, half blind and totally blind.?

The boss thinks I?ll change the questions just in case there?s any collusion.

?Mick, if I took a knife and cut one of your ears off, what would you be.?

?Oh! I?d be half blind, sur.?

Mmmm! They have colluded he thinks, but I?ll keep it going.

?If I took my knife and cut both your ears off, what would you be??

?Well sur, I?d be totally blind.? Said Mick.

?How on earth do you work that out?? The boss demanded.

?I?d have nothing to keep me hat up.? Mick replied.

He got a job as well.

That is a great collection and yes. sadly, far too true.. Thanks for the laugh.

And always remember Politicans are liike diapers
Both need frequent changing.... and for the same reason.

GOALS....



1. Going to bed early.

2. Staying in the house.

3. Not going to a party.

MY CHILD HOOD PUNISHMENTS ARE NOW MY LIFE GOALS.

SOME OF THESE ARE TRULY HYSTERICAL- ESPECIALLY TOWARDS THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST

?Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football? - John Heisman

?I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.? ? Bear Bryant / Alabama

?It isn?t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!? - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

?At Georgia Southern, we don?t cheat. That costs money, and we don?t have any.? ? Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

?The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.? - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

?When you win, nothing hurts.? - Joe Namath / Alabama

?A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.? - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

?There?s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.? - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

?I don?t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.? - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

?In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn?t believe in Bear Bryant.? - Wally Butts / Georgia

?I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman?s and Eisenhower?s.? ? Alex Karras / Iowa

?My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.? - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

?I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.? - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

?Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.? - Shug Jordan / Auburn

?I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn?t recruit me.? He said,?Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren?t any good.? - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

?Son, you?ve got a good engine, but your hands aren?t on the steering wheel.? - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

?Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.? - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, ?All those who need showers, take them.? - John McKay / USC

?If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.? - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

?The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.? - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

?We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.? - Darrell Royal / Texas

?We didn?t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.? - John McKay / USC

?I?ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.? - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State ?s Urban Meyer on one of his players:?He doesn?t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn?t know the meaning of a lot of words.?

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That?s a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, ?Look, a dead bird.? The other looked up in the sky and said,?Where??

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ?Will the defendant please rise.?

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There?s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw ?911? on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Since many of us are over 50........
DRESS CODE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Many people over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how they should present themselves.  They?re unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what one may see on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all costs:
1.            A nose ring and bifocals
2.            Spiked hair and bald spots
3.            A pierced tongue and dentures
4.            Miniskirts and support hose
5.            Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6.            Speedos and cellulite
7.            A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8.            Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9.            Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.        Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11.        Bikinis and liver spots
12.        Short shorts and varicose veins
13.        In-line skates and a walker
14.        And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
15.        A thong and Depends


Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when clothes and/or accessory shopping in future.

Tazer Stupidity



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
My interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
Long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
To retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
Button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
Get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
Prongs.

AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Nancy what that burn spot is
On the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
It couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jewels looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
That I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
Target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Jewels (for a fraction of a
Second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But,
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
Against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
Advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
And tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
Your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
And a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
Water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
Batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
Long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
Possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Jewels looking on with her head cocked to one
Side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
Burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
Decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
Touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF....
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ....
WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
In the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
Fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
On fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
My body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The dog was making yowling sounds I had never heard before, standing
on the coffee table, obviously in an
Attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
Living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
Note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
Zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
From your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
Second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
Surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
Recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
Originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
Twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

The Hills...

A Dark and Stormy Night
This will Make Your Day

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, ?Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We?ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??

?I?m sorry,? replied the hunchback, ?but we don?t have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!?

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. ?I?m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist ... However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.? With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely ... Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor?s master looks worried. ?Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.? Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

The Hills? deaths upset Igor?s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty?s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob?s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He Bursts in and Shouts to his Master, ?Master, Master?

?The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!? I am Soooooo Sorry ... But You Really Should?ve Seen That Coming!!

Happy Halloween 10/31/16

You might even consider changing your E-Mail Address Now!!!

So, what did you Expect From A Demented Old Friend on the Internet.

A Modern Parable

I think this is the municipal office and shared services...

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team?s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ?Rowing Team Quality First Program, ? with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to ?equal the competition? and some of the resultant savings were channeled into moral boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was even unable to finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year?s racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly,
the End.

Here?s something else to think about: GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can?t make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter?s results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racks up 9 billion in losses. GM folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN?T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'





"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first"

Redneck woman's letter her to son.

Dearest Son,

I?m writing this slow ?cause I know you can?t read fast. We don?t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won?t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn?t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven?t seen ?em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn?t make the final payment on Grandma?s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven?t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don?t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn?t get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don?t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Adam & Eve finished having sex on a beautiful beach, they walk into the water to clean themselves. Suddenly God appears & says "What are you doing!?" Adam says we are cleaning ourselves after sex... God then says "I will never get that smell out of the fish"....

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ?Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.?

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ?Begging Your pardon Sir, but I thought you were going to punish him.? God smiled. ?Think about it -- who can he tell??

That one... Is a keeper

John From Detroit said:

That one... Is a keeper

Click to expand...

...and is probably as old as we are

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ?What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother??

He answered, ?Call for backup.?

When you are dead you don?t know you are dead, it is only difficult for others.
It?s the same for stupid people.

People my age seem much older than me.

Just spent 15 minutes searching my car for my phone using the phones flashlight.

I want to grow my own food, but I cannot find bacon seeds.

What?s the difference between bird flue and swine flue?
One requires tweetment and the other oinkment.

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

I am starting meetings at my house for people with OCD. I don?t have it but I hope that they?ll take one look and start cleaning.

I am a seenager. (a senior teenager)
I have everything I wanted as a teenager only 60 years later.
I don? have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don?t have a curfew.
I have a drivers license and my own car.
The people I hang around with not scared about getting pregnant and they do not use drugs.
I don?t have acne.
LIFE IS GREAT.

I don?t understand how I can remember every word from a song from 1960 and forget what I came in the other room to do. ;D ;D ;D