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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 188372 times)

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #540 on: December 08, 2016, 09:20:59 PM »
Google it, there really is a Canadian two dollar bill.  1986 was when they printed them or so...
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

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RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #541 on: December 08, 2016, 09:51:23 PM »
 ;D I know, it's been a long time since I have seen one though.
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winona

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #542 on: December 08, 2016, 10:14:21 PM »
A police officer called the station on his radio.  “I have an interesting case here.  An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“Not yet.  The floor’s still wet."
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cadee2c

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #543 on: December 15, 2016, 05:35:19 AM »
Xmas Diet 2016

10. CARROT STICKS
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

9. EGGNOG
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare ... you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

8. GRAVY
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

7. MASHED POTATOES
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

6. PRE-EATING
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

5. EXERCISE
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a ten-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

4. SANTA COOKIES
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

3. PIES
Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

2. FRUITCAKE
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

1. MOTTO
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOOHOO! What a ride!
Caryl- Pilot
Bob- Navigator
Mister Hank - homeland security
Buddy the Dog-  Soul Mutt, forever in our hearts.


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Follow your arrow, wherever it points

gwcowgill

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #544 on: December 16, 2016, 10:03:02 AM »
Will you please explain to my Cardiologist why I can't lose weight ;) ;) ;)
2009 Bounder 36B, 2014 Honda CR-V, various grandchildren when school is out. KG4LHS
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #545 on: December 16, 2016, 08:34:27 PM »

A POEM THAT WAS US

A little house with three bedrooms, One bathroom and one car on the street A mower that you had to push To make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall We only had one phone, And no need for recording things, Someone was always home.

We only had a living room Where we would congregate, Unless it was at mealtime In the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms Or extra rooms to dine. When meeting as a family Those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set And channels maybe two, But always there was one of them With something worth the view

For snacks we had potato chips That tasted like a chip. And if you wanted flavor There was Lipton’s onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because My mother liked to cook And nothing can compare to snacks In Betty Crocker’s book

Weekends were for family trips Or staying home to play We all did things together – Even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips Depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because We liked to be together

Sometimes we would separate To do things on our own, But we knew where the others were Without our own cell phone

Then there were the movies With your favorite movie star, And nothing can compare To watching movies in your car

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, Pack a lunch and find some trees And never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together With all the friends you know, Have real action playing ball – And no game video.

Remember when the doctor Used to be the family friend, And didn’t need insurance Or a lawyer to defend

The way that he took care of you Or what he had to do, Because he took an oath and strived To do the best for you

Remember going to the store And shopping casually, And when you went to pay for it You used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe Or punch in some amount, And remember when the cashier person Had to really count?

The milkman used to go From door to door, And it was just a few cents more Than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters Came right to your door, Without a lot of junk mail ads Sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name And knew where it was sent; There were not loads of mail addressed To “present occupant”

There was a time when just one glance Was all that it would take, And you would know the kind of car, The model and the make

They didn’t look like turtles Trying to squeeze out every mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins And really had some style

One time the music that you played Whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record Called a forty-five

The record player had a post To keep them all in line And then the records would drop down And play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, Just like we do today And always we were striving, Trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived Still seems like so much fun, How can you explain a game, Just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards Between bicycle spokes And for a nickel, red machines Had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier Slower in some ways I love the new technology But I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we And nothing stays the same, But I sure love to reminisce And walk down memory lane.

With all today’s technology We grant that it’s a plus! But it’s fun to look way back and say, HEY LOOK, GUYS, THAT WAS US!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

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2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

BobNSam

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #546 on: December 16, 2016, 10:25:13 PM »
A POEM THAT WAS US
Very nice, I really enjoyed it.
Not a joke.
Bah humbug.
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #547 on: December 17, 2016, 03:09:52 PM »
T’was the night before Christmas, He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house, Made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney, With presents to give,
And to see just who, in this home did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures, of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought, Came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a Marine, Once I could see clearly.

The Marine lay sleeping, Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor, In this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured, An American Marine.

Was this the hero, Of whom I’d just read?,
Curled up on a poncho, The floor for a bed?

I realized the families, That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these Soldiers and Marines, Who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world, The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate, A bright Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom, Each month of the year,
Because of the Soldiers and Marines, Like the one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder, How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, In a land far from home.

The very thought brought A tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees, And started to cry.

The Marine awakened, And I heard a rough voice,
‘Santa, don’t cry. This life is my choice.

I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my God, My country, my Corps.’

The Marine rolled over, And drifted to sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, So silent and still,
And we both shivered, From the cold night’s chill.

I didn’t want to leave, On that cold, dark night,
This Guardian of Honor, So willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, With a voice, soft and pure,
Whispered, ‘Carry on Santa, It’s Christmas Day, all is secure.’

One look at my watch, And I knew he was right,
‘Merry Christmas my friend, And to all a good night.’

This poem was written by a Peace Keeping Marine stationed overseas.

The following is his request; I think it is reasonable...

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many People as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our American Service men and women for our being able to celebrate these Festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our Heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us..
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #548 on: December 17, 2016, 03:49:54 PM »
T’was the night before Christmas, He lived all alone,

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many People as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our American Service men and women for our being able to celebrate these Festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our Heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us..
I passed it on.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

Tom Hoffman

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Dog Fight
« Reply #549 on: December 20, 2016, 01:49:36 PM »
The President  and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.

They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, The President showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 15 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the President because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama’s dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to the President, shaking his head in disbelief, “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing,”, said the President. “We had Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #550 on: December 21, 2016, 11:09:46 AM »
Tom, that is Bad.. Very bad.......

But,, As I've told others, No day is complete without a good laugh.. So Thanks. cause that's a good laugh.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #551 on: December 21, 2016, 05:54:14 PM »
Interesting tidbits

Bet Ya Didn’t Know ... some of these interesting history tidbits

Early aircraft’s throttles had a ball on the end of it. In order to go full throttle, the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence, the term “Balls to the wall” was meant for going very fast.

During WWII, U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts measured 27 feet long, contained hundreds of bullets, and were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, “I gave them the whole nine yards” which meant they had used up all of their ammunition.

Did you know the saying “God willing and the creek don’t rise” was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to have written, “God willing and the Creek don’t rise”. Because he capitalized the word “Creek”, it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian Tribe and not a body of water.

In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are limbs; therefore, painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg”. (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool, but these wigs could not be washed. To clean them, they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy; hence, the term “big wig”. Today we often use the term “Here comes the Big Wig” because someone appears to be, or is, powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest (who was usually a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the “chair man”. Today in business, we use the expression or title “Chairman” or “Chairman” of the Board”.

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, “Mind your own bee’s wax”. Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term “Crack a smile”. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression “Losing face”.

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in “Straight laced” wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but it was only applicable to the Ace of Spades. To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t “Playing with a full deck”.

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to “go sip” some ale and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. The two words “go sip” were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus, we have the term “gossip”.

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A barmaid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in “pints” and who was drinking in “quarts”. Hence, the phrase “Minding your P’s and Q’s”.

One more piece of historical trivia:

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem, however ... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others? The solution was a metal plate (called a “Monkey”) which had 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys”. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey”. (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you?)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #552 on: December 21, 2016, 11:05:14 PM »
On that vein, a rather vulgar expression has deep roots. The French and English went at each other at the battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years War. The numerically superior French boasted they would cut the second finger off the English archers so they could never fight again. The English kicked French butt, the archers paraded among the defeated French troops with the finger extended proving they could still 'pluck yew'.
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #553 on: December 24, 2016, 01:35:48 PM »
Here is one that should come with a warning to not drink or eat while reading.

“As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
 fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
 went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at
 Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’
’ You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
 as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
 hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different
 models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
 things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable
 Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

 My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
 with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
 what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
 more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked.

 My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

’Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

 I kept my mouth shut.



“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, ‘ Jay said, to steer her into the
 dining room.

 But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’



 Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang
 on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
 and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’ I told him she was
 Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
 Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
 mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
 sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
 Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

 My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
 decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had
 suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
 perfect health...

“I can’t wait until next Christmas.”

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #554 on: December 24, 2016, 01:43:39 PM »
That has been around for a while but is still incredibly funny.
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Tom Hoffman

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Reports....
« Reply #555 on: December 25, 2016, 09:20:20 PM »
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? “Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied. “How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”





The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.






The Vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.





The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”





The Vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”




Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #556 on: December 26, 2016, 02:31:35 PM »
As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch -- they both tell the same time.

Whether we carry a $300 or $30.00 wallet/handbag -- the amount of money inside is the same. Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine-- the hangover is the same. Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq. ft. -- the loneliness is the same. You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down -- you go down with it. Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane reaches its destination -- everyone arrives at the same time.

Therefore ... I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you chat, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth -- that is true happiness!

Five Undeniable Facts of Life: 1. Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy so when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price. 2. Best wise words: “Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.” 3. The one who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on. 4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it. 5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!

If you just want to walk fast, walk alone; but, if you want to walk far, walk together!

Six Best Doctors in the World
1. Sunlight
2. Rest
3. Exercise
4. Diet
5. Self Confidence
6. Friends
The nicest place to be is in someone’s thoughts, the safest place to be is in someone’s prayers, and the very best place to be is ... in the hands of God.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
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Punomatic

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #557 on: December 26, 2016, 03:11:43 PM »
Well said, Tom!  :D
2016 Riverside White Water Retro 195
2014 Nissan Titan SL Crew Cab
DW and me and Pogo (the neurotic terrier-gone to the rainbow bridge) and Lulu (the Moxie with moxie)

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #558 on: December 26, 2016, 07:29:32 PM »
I am wearing (today) I think a Well hold on. a 39 dollar watch (they also make a 20 dollar version but I like the display better) this is a "Digi-Log" watch, that is the movement digital, but the display is the standard 3 hands (hour minute and second).. This watch tells "The same time" as the one it replaced (Which got lost after a band break).. That one was full digital.

The Watch however does not tell the same time as other watches in the house.. You see. I don't set this watch.. NO,  and that second hand is a bit differne too.

Tap the top button twice (1 tap turns on a light) and the hand moves either to the TOP or Bottom (12:00 or 6:00 position.. Straight UP, I've synced with WWV and my time is spot on.. or "receiver down time less accuratre"..  tap the bottom button and 9:00 is AM (before 12:00) 3:00 is PM (After).

Press and hold the bottom button and 11:eastern time 10:central you can figure out the rest

Double tick every 2 seconds FEED ME, my battery is low.

All for 40 bucks.. not bad in a watch, mfjenterprises
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #559 on: December 27, 2016, 11:26:19 AM »
What's a watch? ;)
Ram 2500 diesel
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SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #560 on: December 27, 2016, 12:09:30 PM »
What's a watch? ;)
You will have to ask a hipster. :o
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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Punomatic

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #561 on: December 28, 2016, 11:58:54 AM »
What's a watch? ;)

It's one of those things you take off your wrist and throw in the drawer, when you enter your RV.
2016 Riverside White Water Retro 195
2014 Nissan Titan SL Crew Cab
DW and me and Pogo (the neurotic terrier-gone to the rainbow bridge) and Lulu (the Moxie with moxie)

gwcowgill

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #562 on: December 29, 2016, 03:58:43 PM »
What's a watch? ;)

It's what you pulled in the military and don't be late ;) ;)
2009 Bounder 36B, 2014 Honda CR-V, various grandchildren when school is out. KG4LHS
2014 Honda CRV Toad,
2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee Toad

SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #563 on: January 07, 2017, 09:38:20 AM »
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomato sauce.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk 9 feet through shag carpet back to my couch.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? ... Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 65. I learn something new every day ... and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
My new Pixel camera:
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Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #564 on: January 07, 2017, 09:56:33 AM »
Tom,
You beat me by 5 minutes! I was about to post the same list.  ;D
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

gwcowgill

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #565 on: January 07, 2017, 09:59:05 AM »
Horay, the grandkids are coming now if I could just remember their names ??? ??? ???
2009 Bounder 36B, 2014 Honda CR-V, various grandchildren when school is out. KG4LHS
2014 Honda CRV Toad,
2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee Toad

SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #566 on: January 07, 2017, 10:14:23 AM »
Tom,
You beat me by 5 minutes! I was about to post the same list.  ;D
It just turned up in my Facebook feed as a piece of paper that was photographed. Did you type it out or find in with Google?
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
My new Pixel camera:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/rMSw5eVkCfKuuEOP2
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Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #567 on: January 07, 2017, 04:18:01 PM »
It just turned up in my Facebook feed as a piece of paper that was photographed. Did you type it out or find in with Google?
It was in my FB feed as a piece of paper the was photographed also.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

SeilerBird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #568 on: January 07, 2017, 04:27:24 PM »
It was in my FB feed as a piece of paper the was photographed also.
I did a Google search and found it so all I had to do was copy and paste it.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
My new Pixel camera:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/rMSw5eVkCfKuuEOP2
My portfolio:
https://goo.gl/photos/Cx4SaYhGfYFShSty7
My Grand Canyon shots:
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #569 on: January 07, 2017, 09:41:37 PM »
Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right -- our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school)was not defaced by our scribblings.Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts-- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person...

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

 

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