EPDM Coatings
rvupgradestore.com Composet Products PO Box Zone
Over The Network Custom Yacht Interiors

Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 173336 times)

whiteva

  • ---
  • Posts: 322
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #570 on: January 08, 2017, 07:54:11 AM »
Being Green
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

I must admit on my better days I enjoy messing with the young cashiers. let's say the total is $21.57 and I hand them a twenty and a ten. Just as the drawer opens I give them 3 quarters and watch these kids try to figure out the correct change. Most of the time, change returned is wrong. I will hand them back the overage and just grin if they short me by a little. But for an old geezer,,,, it is fun!  One young lady at the grocery will laugh and say "Mr. Vance, I am ready for your EXTRA CHANGE today (with a big grin)" And she will laugh and figure out the correct amount. I usually hand her a couple bucks to "buy yourself a cold drink" 

Cheers
2008 Winnie 29TR, Class C
Me: RETIRED: Aerobatic flight instructor, RE Broker, EE,-
DW, Nan, works Finance for RV dealer. Travel short distances pulling 77' MGB on dolly.
 If not in the RV we are on the Sea Ray, with Shadeaux the black cat. Stop by for coffee or beverage

dave54

  • ---
  • Posts: 177
  • Old guy. Loves being outdoors
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #571 on: January 08, 2017, 11:14:21 AM »
On that vein, a rather vulgar expression has deep roots. The French and English went at each other at the battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years War. The numerically superior French boasted they would cut the second finger off the English archers so they could never fight again. The English kicked French butt, the archers paraded among the defeated French troops with the finger extended proving they could still 'pluck yew'.

Older than that.  The word was found as graffiti on Roman ruins.  The origin is unknown, but is at least 2000 years old.
I never get lost.  I just have unplanned adventures.

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #572 on: January 10, 2017, 03:35:33 PM »
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those who love using words in unusual sequence, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can express the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year’s winning submissions!

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

... A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And finally:

... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end. ;D ;D ;D



Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #573 on: January 15, 2017, 01:17:30 PM »
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for BWI Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

casehulsebosch

  • ---
  • Posts: 16
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #574 on: January 15, 2017, 02:07:16 PM »
Went to the Zoo.

Only had one animal; a dog.

it was a Shih zu!

dave54

  • ---
  • Posts: 177
  • Old guy. Loves being outdoors
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #575 on: January 19, 2017, 09:38:05 PM »
I barbecued a Wookie steak tonight.  It was a little Chewy.
I never get lost.  I just have unplanned adventures.

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #576 on: January 20, 2017, 09:57:33 PM »
 Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered!’

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.” 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #577 on: January 24, 2017, 08:25:50 PM »
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1 This is this cat.
2 This is is cat.
3 This is how cat.
4 This is to cat.
5 This is keep cat.
6 This is an cat.
7 This is old cat.
8 This is fool cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

BobNSam

  • ---
  • Posts: 1213
  • Travel/golf/reading/bridge in any order
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #578 on: January 24, 2017, 08:44:16 PM »
35 seconds
2017 Newmar Ventana LE
2010 Chevy Equinox LTZ
Road master tow stuff
DirecTV with Genie/Trav'ler Antenna
2+2 USAF Retired (2IDGITS)

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #579 on: January 28, 2017, 02:30:46 PM »
Oldie....

2016 STELLA AWARDS

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.

Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for this past year --

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!

Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the

Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot...

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a

Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her ... are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think our court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.





Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Bill N

  • ---
  • Posts: 1493
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #580 on: January 28, 2017, 03:16:07 PM »
Rob ONeil, the member of Seal Team Six who shot Osama Bin Laden had this to say about General 'Mad Dog' Mattis the new Secretary of Defense.  "He has a bear rug in his home but the bear is not dead.  He is just too scared to move."
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 5 months

RoyM

  • ---
  • Posts: 1976
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #581 on: January 28, 2017, 03:55:55 PM »
A Vancouver Island resident became enraged finding a car that in his opinion was parked too close to his. He managed to slash his leg along with the tire and attempted to drive himself to the hospital but was forced to call 911 due to the severe bleeding. Police laid  charges. He should get an honorable mention at the Darwin awards. ;D
Ram 2500 diesel
Prowler fifth wheel
Urge to travel

John From Detroit

  • ---
  • Posts: 19626
  • ^My New Home^
    • Diabetics Forum
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #582 on: January 28, 2017, 06:02:30 PM »
The Winnabago story has been around a long, long, long time, it's also been debunked for a long long long long time, Wendy Northcutt who ran Darwin Awards and others have contacted Winnabago, and searched police records from shore to shore and in fact around the world. No such accident.

Some of the others however I have read in verified news sources however.. including the Toddler and the soft drink thrown at the boyfriend one.

THIS IS TRUE  (Deletes paces add www. and .com) is a site ran by Randy Cassingham.

He also runs TRUE STELLA AWARDS   or did..... I forget if he still does of if he dropped that one..

Randy and I often chat via E-mail. After all I'm a retired police dispatcher and he's an EMT and we are both ham radio operators.

Some of the stories he has published I had either first hand or direct knowledge of (They involved my employer and were also in the departmental news, And in some cases I interviewed the Troopers involved)

His news letter is often very amusing.. Example  a recent story had to do with a man who wanted a new Big Screen TV. So he went to Wal*mart  loaded it in his cart and headed out (Without paying of course) Store Security had been watching and when they approached he tried to run back into the store and loose himself in the "Crowd" of shoppers.   Now most days this might be a good plan and might have worked, But on SHOP WITH A COP Day.......   (Yup. Suspect in custody).
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
If you can...
« Reply #583 on: February 05, 2017, 03:28:10 PM »
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

 If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

 If you can conquer tension without medical help.

 If you can relax without alcohol, It you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

V

V

V

V


Then you are probably the family dog.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

camperAL

  • ---
  • Posts: 1017
  • Back Into RV'ing
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #584 on: February 10, 2017, 09:41:53 PM »
To Tom Hoffman,

I always appreciate the jokes you put on here. Please keep them coming. We all need a laugh from time to time and something I look forward to.
CamperAL (Indiana)
(2006 Coachmen Mirada 290 KS )

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #585 on: February 10, 2017, 10:30:37 PM »
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.”

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.”

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.




Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

kdbgoat

  • ---
  • Posts: 3961
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #586 on: February 14, 2017, 12:26:21 PM »
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonds exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #587 on: February 15, 2017, 05:47:56 PM »
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.  :(

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. :'(

The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’

‘And what about the men?’ the minister asked. ‘They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’  8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

  • ---
  • Posts: 19626
  • ^My New Home^
    • Diabetics Forum
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #588 on: February 15, 2017, 06:12:24 PM »
In the "This is no joke" department.. but.. Well.  The best, I mean the BEST, comedians are..... Crooks

Man was upset with his order at a McDonalds. So he jumped the counter and started shooting his guns... Bright Yellow NERF guns (Totally harmless)

Almost as bad as the guy (At least he had a real gun) who tried to rob a bar, Sign on the door said "Closed, Private party".. and he crashed the party... A retirement party for a cop.

Now that's one I have from two different sources, different bars, different cities,, And I believe both are true.

Man gets stopped for a traffic violation, Claims to be good friends with the chief, (Can not prounce the chief's name correctly) Finally  as the LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) Returns his paperwork and ticket the violator asks if the LEO even knows the chief.

"Sort of, I sleep with his wife" was the response  (In case you have not guessed, he was the chief).
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #589 on: February 18, 2017, 10:19:05 AM »
Paraprosdokian

Is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:

1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. I’m great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

7. Take my advice - I’m not using it.

8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

19. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

22. Money is the root of all wealth.

23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #590 on: February 20, 2017, 03:53:03 PM »
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman’s Hermits ... Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees ... How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
3. Bobby Darin ... Splish splash, I Was Havin’ a flash.
4. Ringo Starr ... l Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack ... The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash ... I Can’t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon ... Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores ... Once. Twice. Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye ... I heard it Through the Grape Nuts.
l0. Procol Harem ... A Whiter shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer ... You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations ... Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba ... Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando ... Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy ... I Am Woman. Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson ... On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore ... lt’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #591 on: February 20, 2017, 04:01:20 PM »

Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one ... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ... good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well ... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

whiteva

  • ---
  • Posts: 322
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #592 on: February 21, 2017, 06:46:41 PM »
My Doctor (Asian) was harping about a measly 3 pounds I had gained. He said I needed to do "pushes". I repeated "pushes"? Yea Pushes..  (ME)You mean push ups, at my age? (DR.) NO No No... "pushes"  "Push you ass away from the table"

He is a funny dude, but I did cut down on my intake of broccoli.

Cheers

2008 Winnie 29TR, Class C
Me: RETIRED: Aerobatic flight instructor, RE Broker, EE,-
DW, Nan, works Finance for RV dealer. Travel short distances pulling 77' MGB on dolly.
 If not in the RV we are on the Sea Ray, with Shadeaux the black cat. Stop by for coffee or beverage

SeilerBird

  • ---
  • Posts: 10642
  • Everything I state is my opinion.
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #593 on: February 21, 2017, 07:02:06 PM »
True story, not really funny and not worth a thread all on it's own so I will put it here.

I stopped in Wawa gas station the other day to fill up on gas. For those of you who have never heard of Wawa it is a very successful chain of convenience stores/gas stations on the east coast named after the Wawa neighborhood of Philadelphia. Any how I listen to a collection of 3000 of my all time favorite songs that I keep on a flash drive hooked up to my car stereo and they play randomly. As soon as I finished filling up I pulled out of the gas station and immediately the song Wah Wah by George Harrison started to play. The song has nothing to do with gas stations or wah wah pedals but it sure seemed eerie when it came on. Almost as strange as the time I was driving on I-10 across country. There is a 60 mile stretch where it goes through the small southern tip of Alabama and one trip as I was driving that part of the road Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd came on the stereo. Oh well, it doesn't take much to amuse me. ???
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
Life list of birds:
https://goo.gl/photos/xuP9zPD2KP2swN1g8
2016 photos:
https://goo.gl/photos/aXQPbnVpgzNvs4Jq8
My portfolio:
https://goo.gl/photos/Cx4SaYhGfYFShSty7

RoyM

  • ---
  • Posts: 1976
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #594 on: February 21, 2017, 10:31:13 PM »
'I stopped in Wawa gas station the other day to fill up on gas.' :o Whaaat? I had to do a double take, Wawa Ontario is in the throes of winter. ;D
Ram 2500 diesel
Prowler fifth wheel
Urge to travel

Old_Crow

  • ---
  • Posts: 372
  • Home is where you make it.
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #595 on: February 22, 2017, 07:11:27 AM »
When I had a touring bike, I used to transfer my Sirius radio receiver to it when we went on a long trip.  My driveway is a 3/4 mile long dirt road that leads to the highway. 
We were leaving on a 1800 mile trip on the bikes one time.  As we got to the paved road and took off, I reached up and turned on the Sirius.  First song that came on?  "Born to be Wild", followed by "Can't Find My Way Home". 
Wally Crow
Retired 30 year ASE Master Auto Tech
Y2K Bounder 36S F53
'03 Jeep Wrangler Sahara

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #596 on: February 24, 2017, 07:20:00 PM »
Seniors are problem solvers...
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1035
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #597 on: February 27, 2017, 10:33:01 PM »
The Difference if you Marry a Canadian Woman.

Three Men married Women from Different Parts of the World.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders to clean the house, do all the dishes and cook.

By the third day, he noticed a big difference, house was clean, dishes washed, and always a large meal waiting on the table.

The third man married a Canadian woman. He orders her to do the dishes, clean the house, do laundry, cook and mow the lawns.

On the first day he didn’t see anything, on the second day still nothing, on the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees!

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Dragginourbedaround

  • ---
  • Posts: 762
  • I look out the window and see trees, I'm camping
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #598 on: February 28, 2017, 07:35:36 AM »
The Difference if you Marry a Canadian Woman
Hijacked this and changed it to Jersey Girl.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

BobNSam

  • ---
  • Posts: 1213
  • Travel/golf/reading/bridge in any order
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #599 on: February 28, 2017, 07:42:12 AM »
Hijacked this and changed it to Jersey Girl.
It has been hijacked and given different lady locales for many years! Still funny.
2017 Newmar Ventana LE
2010 Chevy Equinox LTZ
Road master tow stuff
DirecTV with Genie/Trav'ler Antenna
2+2 USAF Retired (2IDGITS)

 

Hosted by Over The Network