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My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomato sauce.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk 9 feet through shag carpet back to my couch.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? ... Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 65. I learn something new every day ... and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
 
TheNewhalls said:
Tom,
You beat me by 5 minutes! I was about to post the same list.  ;D
It just turned up in my Facebook feed as a piece of paper that was photographed. Did you type it out or find in with Google?
 
Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren?t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, ?We didn?t have this ?green thing? back in my earlier days.?

The young clerk responded, ?That?s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.?

She was right -- our generation didn?t have the ?green thing? in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn?t have the ?green thing? back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school)was not defaced by our scribblings.Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn?t do the ?green thing? back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn?t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn?t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn?t have the ?green thing? in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby?s diapers because we didn?t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts-- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn?t have the ?green thing? back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn?t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn?t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn?t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she?s right; we didn?t have the ?green thing? back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn?t have the ?green thing? back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family?s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the ?green thing.? We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn?t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn?t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn?t have the ?green thing? back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person...

We don?t like being old in the first place, so it doesn?t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can?t make change without the cash register telling them how much.
 
Tom Hoffman said:
Being Green
We don?t like being old in the first place, so it doesn?t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can?t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

I must admit on my better days I enjoy messing with the young cashiers. let's say the total is $21.57 and I hand them a twenty and a ten. Just as the drawer opens I give them 3 quarters and watch these kids try to figure out the correct change. Most of the time, change returned is wrong. I will hand them back the overage and just grin if they short me by a little. But for an old geezer,,,, it is fun!  One young lady at the grocery will laugh and say "Mr. Vance, I am ready for your EXTRA CHANGE today (with a big grin)" And she will laugh and figure out the correct amount. I usually hand her a couple bucks to "buy yourself a cold drink" 

Cheers
 
RoyM said:
On that vein, a rather vulgar expression has deep roots. The French and English went at each other at the battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years War. The numerically superior French boasted they would cut the second finger off the English archers so they could never fight again. The English kicked French butt, the archers paraded among the defeated French troops with the finger extended proving they could still 'pluck yew'.

Older than that.  The word was found as graffiti on Roman ruins.  The origin is unknown, but is at least 2000 years old.
 
?Lexophile? is a word used to describe those who love using words in unusual sequence, such as ?you can tune a piano, but you can?t tuna fish?, or ?to write with a broken pencil is pointless.? A competition to see who can express the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year?s winning submissions!

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you?ve seen one shopping center you?ve seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He?s all right now.

... A bicycle can?t stand alone; it?s just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she?d dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That?s the point of it.

And finally:

... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end. ;D ;D ;D



 
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for BWI Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, ?Are you OK? I?m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.?

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, ?I didn?t realize a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.?

The driver replied, ?No, no, I?m the one who is sorry, it?s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I?ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.?
 
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, ?I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered!?

The second responds, ?Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.?

The third surgeon says, ?No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.?

The fourth surgeon chimes in: ?You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.?

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: ?You?re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There?s no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.? 8)
 
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1 This is this cat.
2 This is is cat.
3 This is how cat.
4 This is to cat.
5 This is keep cat.
6 This is an cat.
7 This is old cat.
8 This is fool cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
 
Oldie....

2016 STELLA AWARDS

It?s time again for the annual ?Stella Awards?! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald?s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.

Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella?s for this past year --

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!

Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn?t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor?s hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn?t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ?em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner?s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the

Stella?s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor?s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner?s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you?re getting a bald spot...

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a

Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE

This year?s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver?s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner?s manual that she couldn?t actually leave the driver?s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her ... are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think our court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.





 
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