Post a joke

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parttymer said:
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

That joke is just plain silly.

Everyone knows vultures don't fly on airplanes.

It was a Condor.
 
An older man said that his wife recently had her annual physical exam and that her doctor told her she had the breasts of a 30-year-old.  So then her jealous husband asked her "what did he say about your sorry 67-year-old ass?"  "Nothing" she replied, "he didn't say anything about you."
 
Two Muslim men, Mohammed and Abdullah, met in the marketplace.  While chatting they found that they had a lot in common; both had sons who were terrorists.  Mohammed showed Abdullah a photo of his son who died while blowing up a car bomb, "He died a martyr" he said.  Abdullah showed Mohammed a photo of his son and replied that "My son was a martyr too."  Mohammed replied, "Yes, they blow up so fast don't they?"
 
bucks2 said:
Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken

I didn't find this one as funny as Bill's. I think it may have been his delivery.
 
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY COURTESY OF THE U.S.NAVY......

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

U.S.NAVY  The ''Hammer of Freedom'' .... Dont mess with my NAVY..... cj .....
 
90 year old woman just burried her husband..

Being depressed, she called her doctor to ask where her heart was. 

The Dr. Told her "just under your left breast"

She picked up a gun, and blew her left knee cap off.

Snare drum tadum dum!!
 
''Someone has to go WEE, WEEEE, WEEEEEEEEE all the way home.........''

one day the three little pigs went out to dinner. the waiter came over and asked, "what would you gentlemen like to drink this evening?" the first little pig said, "a glass of ice tea please." the second little pig said "an ice cold beer please." and the third little pig said "water please." a little while later, the waiter came back and asked "what would you gentlemen like to eat?" the first little pig said "a salad please." the second little pig said "ill have the same." the third little pig said, "water please!" the waiter looked puzzled and asked, "why have you ordered water for all of your courses?" the third little pig said,..........
 
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
 
There are two statues in a park. One of a naked man, one of a naked women.

One day an angel comes down, explaining that the Lord has seen them to have been exemplary statues, so He is granting them one hour of life.

With that the statues come alive and the angel reminds them that they have one hour to do anything they wish. The two statues immediately join hands, smile and run off into the bushes.

There is considerable rustling in the bushes and giggling, and the poor little angel is blushing, desperately trying not to imagine what is going on between the statues.

Thirty minutes later the statues emerge, flushed and smiling at each other. The angel them reminds them that they have an additional half hour of life. The male statue looks at the female statue and says "Do you want to do it again?"

The female replies, "OK, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on his head."
 
mrschwarz said:
I didn't find this one as funny as Bill's. I think it may have been his delivery.

The warm up band never gets as much applause as the headliner.
 
.................... and then the traveling salesman leaned out of the barn loft and there was a beautiful young lady milking the cow.., She was well formed and simply divined, maybe 25 years old. 
The traveling salesman asked her what her name might be and she replied

"" They call me Baby"".... 

"" What do they call you sir?''

''They call me the dang fool that slept in the barn''.................



I am so proud to have served my country......
God bless the USA......
 
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY PRESENTED BY THE U.S. NAVY....

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

U.S. NAVY  The ''Hammer of Freedom''......
(yep, that is my motto)....cj....
God bless all who serve this great nation..
 
Mr Smith lay in his hospital bed, his face covered by the oxygen mask.  When the nurse came in he asked her, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".  The nurse was somewhat taken back but wanting to comfort her patient she carefully pulled the blanket down and his gown up.  She carefully examined the organs in question and then said, "No, Mr. Smith, they are not black.  They look perfectly normal to me.".  Mr. Smith pulled down his oxygen mask, smiled warmly and said, "Thank you very much, nurse but please listen carefully; ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
 
I went up to the hospital to visit a friend that had been in a really bad auto accident.  My friend was in Critical Care with wires and hoses running everywhere and machines with dancing lines  on the wall.  His breathing was labored and I stepped forward to reassure him that he would be ok because he was young and tough.  As I stood there I noticed that one of the machines started going flat line and he was having trouble breathing.  He turned his head toward me and gasped for breath as he tried to speak.  I paniced and leaned over to try to understand what he was trying to tell me.  He grabbed my shirt and ripped a pen and pad from my pocket and scribbled a note and crammed it into my hand just before the alarms went off and my friend passed away.  I stepped back to give the doctors room to work and felt very special that he had wanted to communicate with me and write down his last wish.  I felt honored and unfolded the wrinkled note.  I read it slowly and this is what it said ...

(are you ready for this?)

''YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN LI.............''


God bless all persons that serve this nation.....cj....
 
A ''Goose Mother'' rhyme from Seajay.....

Little miss Muffit
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whay........
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her ............
And she got up and stomped the crap our of him
Because she did not like SPIDERS......

Thank God for our veterans..... Many died for the freedoms we seldom think about ....cj.....

 
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