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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 188256 times)

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #600 on: February 28, 2017, 08:22:48 AM »
Ah, that's what I need, A nice Woman...
THankfully I already know how to cook dinner and do the dishes etc.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #601 on: March 01, 2017, 06:11:30 PM »
Nostalgia (Are We Old?) I came across this phrase in a book yesterday “FENDER SKIRTS”. A term I haven’t heard in a long time and thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like “curb feelers” and “steering knobs.” Since I’d been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember “Continental kits?” They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes?” At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”

I’m sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the “foot feed.”

Did you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?

Here’s a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - “store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the ‘50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When’s the last time you heard the quaint phrase “in a family way?” It’s hard to imagine that the word “pregnant” was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and “being in a family way” or simply “expecting.”

Apparently “brassiere” is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it’s just “bra” now. “Unmentionables” probably wouldn’t be understood at all.

I always loved going to the “picture show,” but I considered “movie” an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the ‘50s, but here’s a word I came across the other day from the 60’s - “rat fink.” Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here’s a word I miss - “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffeemaker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that’s what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren’t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a “certain age” would remember most of these.

Just for fun, Pass it along to others of “a certain age.” 8) 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #602 on: March 01, 2017, 09:59:53 PM »
I like that. ;D Remember foot dimmer switches and heel and toe while downshifting? Our granddaughters were mystified the first time they rode in our truck, they couldn't find the power window switch. I showed them how to work the crank but they weren't impressed.
Ram 2500 diesel
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kdbgoat

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #603 on: March 02, 2017, 06:09:57 AM »
The first truck I got to "drive" on the farm also had a foot starter. I had to make sure it was in neutral to start because my foot was too short to work the gas pedal and push the starter down at the same time, so I had to use both feet to start and wasn't able to push down the clutch. When was the last time you thought about having to work the gas pedal when you started your vehicle?
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #604 on: March 02, 2017, 07:00:10 AM »
First vehicle I drove most folks could not FIND the starter,, It was a farm tractor with 4 forward speeds. Reverse, and START on the manual tranny (Reverse you lifted shifter to get past the lock out and moved RIGHT and Back, Start was Lift-Right-Forward)

Electrolux used to advertise "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux" but they had to drop that slogan.. Seems that overseas based script-head cuss-some-more service sucks even stronger than an electrolux.

Have driven 3,4,5,10,15 speed stick shifts  used foot dimmer and starter buttons.  And once impressed another RVer when I backed onto my site.. But hey, backing a class A straight up is .. Well.. it don't get easier than that.. Catch is this.. I can do it with a trailer as easily.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #605 on: March 02, 2017, 01:23:26 PM »
kdbgoat, was that a 50's GM?
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kdbgoat

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #606 on: March 02, 2017, 01:40:49 PM »
kdbgoat, was that a 50's GM?

Yep. Not sure of the exact year though.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #607 on: March 03, 2017, 12:28:41 PM »
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and sex 24.7 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 

DEAR DESPERATE

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Tooting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #608 on: March 03, 2017, 02:52:25 PM »
 ;D Good one
Ram 2500 diesel
Prowler fifth wheel
Urge to travel

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #609 on: March 04, 2017, 11:31:08 AM »


God Bless America !

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) –presidential candidate---called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''  She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.  I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'   He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''   I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''  I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.  She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.   After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''   I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''  'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.  After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."   ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #610 on: March 04, 2017, 11:46:19 AM »
#6 reminds me of my aunt's elderly mother. She could never understand why the flight from Vancouver to London was so much longer than the return. ;D
Ram 2500 diesel
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Urge to travel

Stephen S.

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #611 on: March 04, 2017, 09:40:03 PM »
#6 reminds me of my aunt's elderly mother. She could never understand why the flight from Vancouver to London was so much longer than the return. ;D

Me: "It goes slow uphill, then comes back down fast."

Blondie: "Oh, OK!"
Stephen S.
===============
'99 Winnebago Chalet
2002 VW Beetle
2007 Yamaha TW200
Home town: Mableton, GA

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #612 on: March 06, 2017, 03:20:42 PM »
The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #613 on: March 07, 2017, 01:51:20 PM »
A poem to which we can relate

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work, not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it ... I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown...

If you can remember those days...
Continue to enjoy your Retirement.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

DesertDustBunny

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #614 on: March 07, 2017, 04:59:35 PM »
Scottish Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe

Ingredients:


1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
 :P

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #615 on: March 13, 2017, 03:47:30 PM »
It’s just dawned on me...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep...

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever...

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...

OMG! I think my dog is a member of Congress!
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #616 on: March 14, 2017, 12:52:44 PM »
Retirement

I changed my Truck horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #617 on: March 14, 2017, 06:43:10 PM »

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

My factbook profile photo at the moment is a T-Shirt I got at Fred's Discount here in Darian, GA.

Blue with white lettering.

When I wear it I get lots of "like your shirt" comments

If you have not already guessed what it says,, It's the quoted text.

I have too many T-Shirts, I may well never buy another one (less it's as good as that one )_ and even then at a Thrift, not at a Retail. But.. Well that one was too good to pass up.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #618 on: March 15, 2017, 12:42:54 PM »
My favorite "T" is. 

"I'M NOT ANGRY, I AM JUST EXPLAINING WHY I AM RIGHT!!!

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #619 on: March 15, 2017, 04:13:30 PM »
Young people have theirs, NOW, we “Seniors” have our own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor’s
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help...

And the best one is:

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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  • Posts: 1976
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #620 on: March 15, 2017, 09:15:10 PM »
That clears up a lot of questions LOL
Ram 2500 diesel
Prowler fifth wheel
Urge to travel

BobNSam

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #621 on: March 16, 2017, 08:44:20 AM »
We need a new set of emojis...or interpretations. Makes you wonder what I am really thinking.

 ??? - Forgot Where I Was
 ;D - Had Good Bowel Movement
 ::) - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
 :P - Got Heartburn Again
 >:( - Who Am I Talking To?

Totally new ones would be neater...

2017 Newmar Ventana LE
2010 Chevy Equinox LTZ
Road master tow stuff
DirecTV with Genie/Trav'ler Antenna
2+2 USAF Retired (2IDGITS)

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #622 on: March 26, 2017, 05:16:30 PM »
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Your Kids are becoming you ... but your grandchildren are Perfect!

Going Out is good ... Coming Home is better!

You Forget names ... But it’s OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything ... Especially bowls OR Golf

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It’s Called “pre-sleep”.

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” Switch...

You tend to use more 4 letter words... “what?”...”when?”... ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody Whispers.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.

But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter
That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!!! ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1054
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #623 on: March 29, 2017, 01:34:27 PM »
Getting Old

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?  ???

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. :'(

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write,” An ambulance.’ :o

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble...

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’ and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘Theirs... ‘

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care. 8) 8)


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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  • Posts: 1976
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #624 on: March 29, 2017, 10:08:17 PM »
I was a little overweight, ok still have some to shed but I'm not the Michelin tire man. One day I heard a kid tell his mom "That man is really fat". I looked around, I was the only adult male within 50'. I almost shot back "Kid this is you in 60 years" but then I would have had to deal with my wife.
Ram 2500 diesel
Prowler fifth wheel
Urge to travel

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1054
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #625 on: March 30, 2017, 12:00:24 PM »
Divorce Proceeding

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”*

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”*

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”*

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one ‘cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”*

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music -- all that hip hop and rap tap -- but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”*

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?*

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”* ::)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1054
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #626 on: March 31, 2017, 01:37:10 PM »
Slightly political but not much.

If only, for sure...


YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN

I thought you might enjoy this!

It is something you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.
They won’t believe this happened, but it DID and it is true.

Harry & Bess

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions in relation to the history of the United States of America, as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence, Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves there was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, “You don’t want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it is not for sale.”

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.” As president, he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there is hardly any difference!”

I say dig him up and clone him! :) :) :)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1054
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #627 on: March 31, 2017, 01:46:22 PM »
The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year’s winner was a real rocket scientist...

Read on ... And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE.

And the nominees were: Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk ... Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed ... They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. ‘The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground, ‘ Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ‘Major trauma.’

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘‘bright’’ by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year’s Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue

It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?

AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!! ... SCARY THOUGHT, ISN’ T IT?!!!
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Bozopolis

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  • Posts: 18
  • I think we're all Bozos on the bus...
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #628 on: March 31, 2017, 02:39:36 PM »
When we first got married my wife had never ridden in an airplane. One year the local fair featured a guy who offered airplane rides in an old open cockpit plane for $100. "That's a lot of money" I said. "I don't think it's worth that much to take a short ride in an airplane."

The pilot of the plane said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll give you and your wife a ride and if you can stay quiet for the entire flight it's free. But if you make one sound you have to pay the $100".

"Deal" I said and my wife and I got into the back cockpit and the pilot in the front.

It was awful. He did loops and dives and complete stalls and the ride lasted about 20 minutes. When we landed the pilot jumped out, shook my hand and said, "I can't believe it. You didn't make one sound. You don't have to pay for the ride. You're a very brave man!"

"Brave?" I said. "I nearly screamed when my wife fell out!"

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1054
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #629 on: April 01, 2017, 05:37:10 PM »
Sister Mary Ann’s Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street ... One of them turned to the other and said,

“If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

 

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