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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 174714 times)

llib enad

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #630 on: April 19, 2017, 07:44:22 AM »
Taxes are how we make sure the wheels of government continue to run-------right over us.
   



Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #631 on: April 21, 2017, 02:47:49 PM »
Random Thoughts...

It’s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.

You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to live a positive life.

Dear algebra the please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.

When asked how they managed to stay together for 65 years, the woman replied, “we were born in a time where if something was broke you fixed it ... not thrown it away.”

Be someone that makes you happy.

Never lose hope. You never know what tomorrow may bring.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, in what, then, is an empty desk a sign of? Albert Einstein

One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are a peace, you are living in the present. Lao TZU

“what day is it?” Asked Pooh. “It’s today”, Squeak Piglet. “My favorite day.” Said Pooh.

Music is what feelings  sound like.

The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #632 on: May 05, 2017, 01:06:42 PM »
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................................

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy?? I think a retired English teacher was bored ... THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end ... This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture re...

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert...

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear...

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #633 on: May 05, 2017, 10:25:57 PM »
The English language is really something isn't it? ;D My buddy's son wanted to get his cdl but was really worried. He went through school in a period when they were not taught traditional spelling, apparently they had some new age system that used the sound of the word so your post would be lost on him.The exam was multiple choice with subtle differences in the answers but he managed to pass. He still can't spell and frequently uses the wrong word.
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SkateBoard

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #634 on: May 06, 2017, 02:24:48 AM »
Guy walks int a barber shop with his little daughter. He sits down for his haircut while his daughter stands there watching eating her snack. The barber says, better stand back honey, you'll get hair on your twinkie. The little girl says, ya, my dad says I'll get boobs too.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #635 on: May 06, 2017, 01:50:42 PM »
OLD AGE...

This is what all of you 70+ years old, and yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine; he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.



Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #636 on: May 06, 2017, 01:55:27 PM »
Random Thoughts...

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered “who ties your shoelaces for you”.

Be careful when you follow the masses ... sometimes the M is silent!

I am not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing. Work fascinates me; I could sit and watch it for hours.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead, it’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you are stupid.

Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

I speak my mind, because it hurts like hell to bite my tongue all the time.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude ... my personality is “WHO I am.” my attitude depends on “who you are!”

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.

Remember to set your scale back 10 pounds this week.

I am not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes time to think.

I am one step away from being rich; all I need now is money.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #637 on: May 07, 2017, 11:35:14 AM »
Random Thoughts...

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.


I will tackle these 3
1: yes it does
2: See below
3: Yes I have but this is not the place to talk Politics (Politicians. some of 'em at least)
When is old enough to know better supposed to kick in?

Usually 3 days before "We are gathered today to remember and honor our dearly departed friend ___Insert your name here____

Of course.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #638 on: May 08, 2017, 01:11:08 PM »
"QUOTES"

When jokes were clean, many years ago.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... ‘ - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement... - Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

****

And the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

winona

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #639 on: May 17, 2017, 05:07:16 PM »
Mr. Wilkins wife went missing while they were scuba diving in Monterey Bay.

Late in the evening the next day, he was greeted by two grim-faced police officers.

"We're sorry to call on you at this late hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.”

"Well.... tell me!" he demanded.

One of the officers said: "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first.”

The police officer said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in Monterey Bay.”

“Oh my gosh!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome with emotion.

Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, “So what's the good news?”

"Well...." said the officer, "When we pulled her up, she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.”

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?”

The officer smiled and said, "We're pullin' her up again tomorrow morning."
Winnebago Trend
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #640 on: May 19, 2017, 07:29:56 PM »
Murphy’s 15 other Laws...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

bsandey

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #641 on: May 20, 2017, 05:29:55 PM »
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #642 on: May 21, 2017, 04:56:57 PM »
The 5 Riddles

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN.

THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.

RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING.

1.  IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER’S FOR YEARS.

2.  A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

3.  A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

4.  What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5.  Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

The letter “e” which is the most common letter used in the English language does not appear even once in the paragraph.

I’ll be getting Alzheimer’s any time now. ;D ;D ;D

How did you do? ;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #643 on: May 21, 2017, 05:57:55 PM »
Missed charcoal, but then I have a gas grill. Got the rest, seen it before though. Like the lion one.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #644 on: May 21, 2017, 06:30:59 PM »
Missed charcoal, but then I have a gas grill. Got the rest, seen it before though. Like the lion one.
Then your #4 would be "invisible when you buy it, blue (hopefully) when you use it, and invisible when you throw it away".
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #645 on: May 23, 2017, 01:09:33 PM »

Mensa & the salt & pepper shakers...

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.

Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said,” we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt contains pepper.”

But before they could finish ... the waitress interrupted.

“Oh – sorry about that.”

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kinda reminds ya of the government, doesn’t it.

Solutions to our problems should be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Ottawa/Washington always seem to make them so difficult.


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

flexitdriver

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Parking in New York
« Reply #646 on: May 26, 2017, 09:41:22 AM »
A man walks into a bank in New York and asks for the loan officer. The man says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The loans officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of a new Lamborghini, parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Lamborghini into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $5000, plus interest, which is $125.41. The loans officer says: “We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbor-side mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”
The man replied: “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $125?” ;D
Allen
If you are not lost, you're not having fun!

In USA:
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And 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 'Toad'

In Australia:
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #647 on: May 29, 2017, 08:47:51 PM »
 Now for some explanations of various tools found in your garage and their not so normal uses  8) 8) 8)

HAMMER - Originally used as a weapon of war, the hammer of today is built with all the attributes of a divining rod and a cruise missile with it’s unerring accuracy in locating expensive parts that are within range of what one is trying to wollop it with and totally annihilating them.

STANLEY KNIFE - Often used to open cardboard boxes and hard to open those plastic bubble wrapped components. The amount of damage caused is directly proportional to the cost of the part. It is especially good when opening containers containing Tonneau Covers and Convertible Roof Tops. Can also be used to perform do it your-self Appendectomies, Hysterectomies, Amputations and Castrations with equal ease.

PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to round off Phillip head screw slots, is also useful in opening old style oil cans splashing all and sundry in the process. Has the unerring ability to punch a neat round hole in the cars radiator whilst attempting to remove ones front grill.

FLAT BLADE SCREWDRIVER - Has all the attributes of the above, except punches jagged holes instead. In it’s larger 16” x 1/2” size is very useful as an engine mount pry bar, and engine to gearbox splitter and a cylinder head reefer offerer.

INSPECTION LIGHT - The home mechanic’s own tanning light, otherwise known as a Drop Light, it’s a good source of Vitamin D, sometimes known as the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at 2.00am. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose seems to be to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate as the cannon shells that were used during the first few hours of of the Battle of El Alamain at the start of the Western Offensive in WWII. More often dark than light, it’s name is somewhat misleading.

SPANNERS - Usually found hiding in sheer terror at the rear of the garage, (where they were thrown after the last attempted maintenance debacle). They come in all shapes and sizes except for the one that fits that almost impossible bolt down the back of the engine. They are then usually returned from whence they came, often violently.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A very handy piece of equipment who’s sole usage seems to be in the transference of battery acid from ones car battery to ones toolbox via the paintwork on the front guard of the car, with detrimental effect to both. That’s after it telling you that said battery is as flat as the neighbor’s cat that you ran over last week.

ADJUSTABLE SHIFTING SPANNER - As the name implies, it has an ADJUSTING jaw which allows various sizes of ones nuts to be loosened or tightened. But it is really a misnomer, as the jaw has a habit of moving of it’s own accord, usually at the most critical time, causing ones knuckles to strike sharp solid objects that are nearby with tremendous force, SHIFTING large quantities of skin. This in turn improves ones neighbor’s knowledge of the common or basic not normally found in the Oxford English Dictionary.

LARGE STEEL CHISEL - A generally useful tool which has the ability, with the aid of a large HAMMER, (see above for explanation of HAMMER), to remove stubborn bolts, nuts and severely crumpled body panels. Has a tendency to work on the ‘When I nod my head, hit it’ principle, but it’s usually the thumb that is in the way. The end result being in finding one’s ability to perform an fair imitation of a Comanche War Dance, further improving one’s neighbor’s vocabulary and the seek and find mission for the CHISEL usually three gardens away.

ANGLE JAW TIN SNIPS - A remarkable tool that has the ability to cut thin steel more or less along a drawn line. But a lesser known fact is it’s ability to raise up tiny metal spines, which unerringly attack one’s unprotected flesh with the voracity of a school of starving PIRANHA. And in doing so. leave tiny shards in said flesh, usually in the tenderest and most inaccessible of places.

CROSS CUT SAW - Not, as you might imagine, an AC/DC tool that changes on the weekend. But a useful tool, that in the right hands, can make a thing of beauty. Unfortunately with 99% of the unwashed masses, including this author, will, if given a piece of wood and the above mentioned SAW, will guaranteed to make a mess.

ELECTRICIAN’S PLIERS - very handy for holding small nuts in inaccessible places, has the unerring ability in sensing when one’s concentration is on the job at hand, attacks, leaving one with a healthy crop of blood blisters. Also used in various forms of electrical work, it has the built in ability of finding an earth point when accidentally cutting through an active cable. The results being a bright flash, a fritzing of all fuses, melting half of the cable loom, producing a light show to rival New Years Eve Fireworks, creating an ART-DECO look to the PLIERS and creating and causing a disorder known as SPARKIES TWITCH. A rare but incurable disorder that mainly affects anyone who plays with electricity on a daily basis. LLLiiikkkee MMMeee, before I retired.

ELECTRIC DRILL - Normally used to spin pop rivet heads in their holes until you die of old age. But also work quite well when used to drill Roll Bar mounting holes in the floor of a race car, just above the brake lines, (Ooops).

HACKSAW - One of the family of cutting tools built on the OUIJA board principle. It transfers human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence it’s course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HYDRAULIC JACK - Used to raise and lower a car whilst installing a set of ultra low springs, trapping the jack handle under the front air dam.

8 FOOT PLANK - Used to leaver car upwards to free jack.

TWEEZERS - A tool used to remove splinters obtained from plank.

TELEPHONE - To call a mate to find another Hydraulic Jack to remove the above stuck jack.

ENGINE HOIST - A handy bit of equipment for testing the tensile strength of EARTH STRAPS and HYDRAULIC CLUTCH LINES one has forgotten to disconnect before attempting to remove an engine.

ROTARY WIRE BRUSH - Cleans rust off old bolts and then sends them across the garage at the speed of light, punching holes in the garage wall. Also removes fingerprints and hard to earn callouses in the time it takes to say “Well bugger me” or something similar.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #648 on: June 01, 2017, 03:04:50 PM »
A few Interesting thoughts;

Signs on storefronts’

No senior citizen discounts! You had twice as long to get the money.

No we do not have WiFi, talk to each other!

Push if that doesn’t work, pull if that doesn’t work, we must be closed.

Teach your kids about taxes eat 30% of their ice cream.

Today’s offer buy any two drinks and pay for them both...

Alcohol may not solve your problems but neither will water or milk.

Respect your parents they passed school without Google.

Growing old is hard work ... the mind says yes, the body says what the hell are you thinking?

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it when I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

You know you’re getting old you can’t walk past the bathroom without thinking, I may as well pee while I am here.

Remember when you could refer to your knees is right and left? Instead of good and bad. Good times ha ha!
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #649 on: June 01, 2017, 04:52:33 PM »
One comment: THe line "Alcohol won't solve your problems but neither will Milk or water"

I have two medical issues from time to time, Milk is a solution to one of them (not the only solution)
Water the other.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Molaker

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  • We don't camp. We tour.
    • Pumpkin and Us
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #650 on: June 01, 2017, 07:29:33 PM »
One comment: THe line "Alcohol won't solve your problems but neither will Milk or water"

I have two medical issues from time to time, Milk is a solution to one of them (not the only solution)
Water the other.
Does that mean all others alcohol fixes you up? ;D
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

dave54

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  • Old guy. Loves being outdoors
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #651 on: June 01, 2017, 11:21:16 PM »
The word 'boss' comes from a Backwards Double SOB.

I never get lost.  I just have unplanned adventures.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #652 on: June 05, 2017, 02:40:03 PM »
Some True-isms to ponder.

Don’t die a Virgin ... Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

If you don’t swear while driving that means you’re not paying attention to go at all.

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

You’re never childless when you have a husband.

If there is a bar where everybody knows your name, you’re probably an alcoholic.

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, Just to surprise my liver.

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

I am not the type of person you should put on a speaker phone.

Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

Ever look back and think of some of the people you dated or wanted to date in high school ... and see them on Facebook and think, “whew I dodged a bullet on that one!”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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  • ^My New Home^
    • Diabetics Forum
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #653 on: June 05, 2017, 06:36:00 PM »
To take a couple lines seriously.
Toilet paper: Well you not only need to buy the stuff But you need to buy the right brand.. I mean you can get some that is closer to sandpaer than tissue, and some that .... Is very strong, and some that is very nice (Prince and Spring for example)

Don't die a virgin.. The terrorists are not waiting UP there,, they are waiting DOWN there..   

However that said.. Still funny, thanks for the laugh.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

whiteva

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  • Posts: 322
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #654 on: June 05, 2017, 08:38:58 PM »
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
           
         My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.   I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door!                           
 
         She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.                                                       
 
         Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.                                                                                                                             
 
         When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.         
 
         I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
 
Special Note:
           Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club...


2008 Winnie 29TR, Class C
Me: RETIRED: Aerobatic flight instructor, RE Broker, EE,-
DW, Nan, works Finance for RV dealer. Travel short distances pulling 77' MGB on dolly.
 If not in the RV we are on the Sea Ray, with Shadeaux the black cat. Stop by for coffee or beverage

Dragginourbedaround

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  • I look out the window and see trees, I'm camping
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #655 on: June 06, 2017, 08:17:17 AM »
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
           
  :))
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

cadee2c

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  • Posts: 782
  • If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #656 on: June 06, 2017, 04:27:52 PM »
It works....
Caryl- Pilot
Bob- Navigator
Mister Hank - homeland security
Buddy the Dog-  Soul Mutt, forever in our hearts.


1997 Holiday Rambler Endeavor
2010 Jeep Liberty

Follow your arrow, wherever it points

Tom Hoffman

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Help guys...
« Reply #657 on: June 08, 2017, 10:07:22 AM »
Help... ;D ;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #658 on: June 10, 2017, 11:17:38 AM »
Ode To An Outhouse!

Thanks to the early time of summer fruit and those items wrapped in tissue paper.

A welcome substitute for the catalogue pages.

If you have never experienced this piece of rural architecture, you won’t understand.

The House Behind The House

One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o’er the door.

‘Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn’t be there, If you didn’t have to go.

Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for everyone. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.

You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Eaton’s catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. T’was then with much reluctance, To that little house you’d go.

With a swish you’d clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You’d shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol’ Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.

‘Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He’d just cleaned up the mess he’d made With rags and gasoline.

He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He’d eventually rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet.

He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.

He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol’ Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.

We asked him what had happened, What he said I’ll ne’er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et!

Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please

Now that’s the story’s end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we had to go.

For those who never had to trot out in the Cold ... Just Give Thanks!! Enjoy the memories and modern plumbing
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #659 on: June 10, 2017, 04:23:28 PM »
Something many do not know about that building behind the house.

The opening in the door. either a full Moon or a Cresent moon

Men's and Ladies  Yup, that's what it meant, as I recall Cresent was Ladies room.             
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

 

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