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If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
We need a new set of emojis...or interpretations. Makes you wonder what I am really thinking.

??? - Forgot Where I Was
;D - Had Good Bowel Movement
::) - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
:p - Got Heartburn Again
:mad: - Who Am I Talking To?

Totally new ones would be neater...

 
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU?VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU?LL EVER BE,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Your Kids are becoming you ... but your grandchildren are Perfect!

Going Out is good ... Coming Home is better!

You Forget names ... But it?s OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

You realize you?re never going to be really good at anything ... Especially bowls OR Golf

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don?t care to do them anymore.

You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It?s Called ?pre-sleep?.

You miss the days when everything worked with just an ?ON? and ?OFF? Switch...

You tend to use more 4 letter words... ?what??...?when??... ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it?s not safe to wear it anywhere.

You notice everything they sell in stores is ?sleeveless??!!!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody Whispers.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.

But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, ?OLD FRIEND!? Send this on to other ?Old Friends!? and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It?s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter
That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!!! ;D
 
Getting Old

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, ?What brings you in today?? I looked at her, and said, ?I?m interested in buying a refrigerator.? She didn?t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?  ???

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can?t afford one. So I?m wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. :'(

When people see a cat?s litter box they always say, ?Oh, have you got a cat?? Just once I want to say, ?No, it?s for company!?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write,? An ambulance.? :eek:

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child?s middle name is so he can tell when he?s really in trouble...

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ? The? and ? IRS ? together it spells ?Theirs... ?

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their ?odometers.? Not me. I want people to know ?why? I look this way. I?ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren?t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care. 8) 8)


 
I was a little overweight, ok still have some to shed but I'm not the Michelin tire man. One day I heard a kid tell his mom "That man is really fat". I looked around, I was the only adult male within 50'. I almost shot back "Kid this is you in 60 years" but then I would have had to deal with my wife.
 
Divorce Proceeding

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, ?What are the grounds for your divorce??

?About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.?

?No,? he said, ?I mean what is the foundation of this case??*

?It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,? she responded.

?I mean,? he continued, ?what are your relations like??*

?I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband?s parents.?

The judge took a deep breath and asked, ?Do you have a real grudge??*

?No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one ?cuz we don?t have a car.?

?Please,? he tried again, ?is there any infidelity in your marriage??*

?Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don?t necessarily like the music -- all that hip hop and rap tap -- but we can?t seem to do anything about it.?

?Ma?am, does your husband ever beat you up??

?Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.?*

The judge asked, ?Is your husband a nagger??

?Oh, hell no, he?s as white as you and me!?

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ?Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?*

?Oh, I don?t want a divorce,? she replied. ?I?ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. The damn fool says he can?t communicate with me.?* ::)
 
Slightly political but not much.

If only, for sure...


YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN

I thought you might enjoy this!

It is something you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.
They won?t believe this happened, but it DID and it is true.

Harry & Bess

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions in relation to the history of the United States of America, as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence, Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ?allowance? and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves there was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, ?You don?t want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn?t belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it is not for sale.?

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, ?I don?t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.? As president, he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, ?My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there is hardly any difference!?

I say dig him up and clone him! :) :) :)
 
The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year?s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year?s winner was a real rocket scientist...

Read on ... And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE.

And the nominees were: Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk ... Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed ... They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. ?The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground, ? Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ?Major trauma.?

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ??bright?? by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year?s Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ?push? for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver?s remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue

It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn?t make this stuff up, could you?

AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!! ... SCARY THOUGHT, ISN? T IT?!!!
 
When we first got married my wife had never ridden in an airplane. One year the local fair featured a guy who offered airplane rides in an old open cockpit plane for $100. "That's a lot of money" I said. "I don't think it's worth that much to take a short ride in an airplane."

The pilot of the plane said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll give you and your wife a ride and if you can stay quiet for the entire flight it's free. But if you make one sound you have to pay the $100".

"Deal" I said and my wife and I got into the back cockpit and the pilot in the front.

It was awful. He did loops and dives and complete stalls and the ride lasted about 20 minutes. When we landed the pilot jumped out, shook my hand and said, "I can't believe it. You didn't make one sound. You don't have to pay for the ride. You're a very brave man!"

"Brave?" I said. "I nearly screamed when my wife fell out!"
 
Sister Mary Ann?s Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street ... One of them turned to the other and said,

?If it starts, I?m turning Catholic!?
 
Taxes are how we make sure the wheels of government continue to run-------right over us.
   


 
Random Thoughts...

It?s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.

You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to live a positive life.

Dear algebra the please stop asking us to find your X. She?s never coming back and don?t ask Y.

When asked how they managed to stay together for 65 years, the woman replied, ?we were born in a time where if something was broke you fixed it ... not thrown it away.?

Be someone that makes you happy.

Never lose hope. You never know what tomorrow may bring.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, in what, then, is an empty desk a sign of? Albert Einstein

One of the hardest decisions you?ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are a peace, you are living in the present. Lao TZU

?what day is it?? Asked Pooh. ?It?s today?, Squeak Piglet. ?My favorite day.? Said Pooh.

Music is what feelings  sound like.

The mind replays what the heart can?t delete.
 
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................................

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy?? I think a retired English teacher was bored ... THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end ... This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture re...

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert...

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear...

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
 
The English language is really something isn't it? ;D My buddy's son wanted to get his cdl but was really worried. He went through school in a period when they were not taught traditional spelling, apparently they had some new age system that used the sound of the word so your post would be lost on him.The exam was multiple choice with subtle differences in the answers but he managed to pass. He still can't spell and frequently uses the wrong word.
 
Guy walks int a barber shop with his little daughter. He sits down for his haircut while his daughter stands there watching eating her snack. The barber says, better stand back honey, you'll get hair on your twinkie. The little girl says, ya, my dad says I'll get boobs too.
 
OLD AGE...

This is what all of you 70+ years old, and yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn?t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn?t arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn?t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine; he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don?t sell the house before they know the facts.



 
Random Thoughts...

The fact that there?s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this ?old enough to know better? supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered ?who ties your shoelaces for you?.

Be careful when you follow the masses ... sometimes the M is silent!

I am not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing. Work fascinates me; I could sit and watch it for hours.

When you?re dead, you don?t know you?re dead, it?s only difficult for others. It?s the same way when you are stupid.

Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

I speak my mind, because it hurts like hell to bite my tongue all the time.

Don?t confuse my personality with my attitude ... my personality is ?WHO I am.? my attitude depends on ?who you are!?

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I?m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.

Remember to set your scale back 10 pounds this week.

I am not saying you?re stupid, I?m just saying you have bad luck when it comes time to think.

I am one step away from being rich; all I need now is money.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick
 
Tom Hoffman said:
Random Thoughts...

The fact that there?s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this ?old enough to know better? supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.


I will tackle these 3
1: yes it does
2: See below
3: Yes I have but this is not the place to talk Politics (Politicians. some of 'em at least)
When is old enough to know better supposed to kick in?

Usually 3 days before "We are gathered today to remember and honor our dearly departed friend ___Insert your name here____

Of course.
 
"QUOTES"

When jokes were clean, many years ago.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ?Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... ? - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

****

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ?No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.? - Eleanor Roosevelt

****

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement... - Mark Twain

****

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

****

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

****

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

****

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you?ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you?ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

****

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

****

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

****

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

****

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

****

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

****

Money can?t buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

****

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

****

I don?t feel old. I don?t feel anything until noon. Then it?s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

****

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields

****

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

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Don?t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

****

Maybe it?s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Phyllis Diller

****

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he?s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

****

And the cardiologist?s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 
Mr. Wilkins wife went missing while they were scuba diving in Monterey Bay.

Late in the evening the next day, he was greeted by two grim-faced police officers.

"We're sorry to call on you at this late hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.?

"Well.... tell me!" he demanded.

One of the officers said: "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first??

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first.?

The police officer said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in Monterey Bay.?

?Oh my gosh!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome with emotion.

Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, ?So what's the good news??

"Well...." said the officer, "When we pulled her up, she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.?

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news??

The officer smiled and said, "We're pullin' her up again tomorrow morning."
 

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