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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 187832 times)

Roy M

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  • Posts: 161
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #660 on: June 10, 2017, 10:00:07 PM »
Probably a pond where the outhouse used to be.  ;D

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #661 on: June 18, 2017, 02:56:19 PM »
The difference between marketing and sales:

Marketing knows more and more about less and less till it knows everything about nothing at all.

Sales knows less and less about more and more until it knows nothing about everything.


***********************************

Just a few random thoughts.

These are on chalkboards in Johannesburg South Africa

Stop trying to make everybody happy – you’re not tequila.

Don’t do something permanently stupid because you’re temporally upset.

It’s better to walk alone rather than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.

Be what you needed when you were younger.

If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny is it red or white?

When you’re forgiven you heal. When you let go you grow.

If you have a gun you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank you can rob everyone.

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

When you make a commitment you build hope. When You keep it you build trust.

I am a woman what’s your superpower?

May your choices reflect what your hopes are, not your fears.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

Why do we only rest in peace? Why don’t we live in peace too?
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #662 on: June 21, 2017, 02:20:59 PM »
HOW TO REMOVE GRUMPINESS No matter how GRUMPY you may be right now, this should change your mood PS: Don’t forget to read the text at the end of this tale. ;D ;D

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can’t say the letter ‘‘P’’ without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning even when it’s not.

“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” ;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #663 on: June 25, 2017, 05:58:26 PM »
Any day now... >:(

- Hello! Gordon’s pizza?

- No sir it’s Google’s pizza.

- So it’s a wrong number? Sorry.

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please.

- Yes sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it.

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers
  guide.

  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.

- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial
  database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at
  Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It’s not showing on your credit card statement.

- I paid in cash.

- But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statement.

- I have other source of cash.

- This is not showing as per your last tax return form unless you bought them from
  undeclared income source.

- What the hell!

- I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you. ;D

- Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without
  internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on
  me. >:(

 - I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago. ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #664 on: June 28, 2017, 10:26:26 AM »
God’s Plan For Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
8) 8) 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #665 on: June 29, 2017, 09:56:29 AM »
Man's Rules 8)
 
At last a guy has taken the time to
write this all down


Finally, the guy's side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the
male side.

These are our rules !
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE !
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it !

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girl-
friends are for.
1. Anything we said six months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null
and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you pro-
bably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be in-
terpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do some-

thing or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,

just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say what-
ever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need
directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like
Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say
'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not

worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, abso-

lutely anything you wear is fine.... Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such

topics as baseball or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind

that ? It's like camping. 8)

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Roy M

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  • Posts: 161
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #666 on: June 29, 2017, 12:07:19 PM »
 ;D I like that but if I post it on the fridge I will be sleeping on the couch.

whiteva

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  • Posts: 328
    • Nibbler the traveling squirrel
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #667 on: June 30, 2017, 08:19:33 PM »
Please add 1 more:

Before you ask a question, give us a written answer for the upcoming question. That will save a lot of time, thought, and wrong answers. Both of us will be a lot happier.

Cheers!
2008 Winnie 29TR, Class C
Me: RETIRED: Aerobatic flight instructor, RE Broker, EE,-
DW, Nan, works Finance for RV dealer. Travel short distances pulling 77' MGB on dolly.
 If not in the RV we are on the Sea Ray, with Nibbler & Shadeaux the black cat. http://www.acroflyer.com/nibbler/

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #668 on: July 06, 2017, 01:26:03 PM »
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Roy M

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  • Posts: 161
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #669 on: July 06, 2017, 03:34:49 PM »
I have seen this one before but still chuckle. DW doesn't think it's the least bit funny, hits too close to home I guess.

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #670 on: July 09, 2017, 02:50:43 PM »
English - brilliant!

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,

Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship ... We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out, And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing...

If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop.??? HAVE A GREAT DAY!


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

GA_Boy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #671 on: July 09, 2017, 02:55:59 PM »
Works better to me than my second language.

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #672 on: July 11, 2017, 12:25:57 PM »
A lawyer and a senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...”I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #673 on: July 15, 2017, 02:36:07 PM »
Marital Misunderstanding How men and women record things in their diaries...

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. :( :(

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt ... who misses a two-foot putt.  :-[ :-[
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Roy M

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  • Posts: 161
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #674 on: July 15, 2017, 09:58:05 PM »
The world renowned sausage factory was on fire and the area volunteer fire departments were having no luck getting it under control. The owner announced he would pay $100,000 to the crew that could save the secret recipe stored in the safe. A siren wailed on the highway and the truck from East Podunk roared in almost hitting the building.
The crew jumped off, uncoiled the hoses and went to work, the safe and it's contents were rescued. A reporter asked the chief what they were going to do with all that money. He replied "First we're going to fix the brakes on that dang truck".

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #675 on: July 16, 2017, 04:39:54 PM »
“Words” we used as kids! 8)

For many of us, the terms and words or phrase’s listed below will ring a bell. Other’s of this modern age of verbal communication will have no clue.

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word, murgatroyd?

The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said,

“What the heck is a Jalopy?” He never heard of the word, ‘jalopy’!! She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

These phrases included: Don’t touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record, and; Hung out to dry. They’re as close as two peas in a pod.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back then, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!” We discover that the words and expressions that we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. Where have all those phrases gone? Long gone. The milkman did it. Hey! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Fiddlesticks! I’ ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. See you later alligator! 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

JoelP

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  • Posts: 413
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #676 on: July 16, 2017, 05:26:16 PM »
The Browns lived the life of farmers for 40 years with no vacations and no weekends since their animals always needed their attention. Farmer Green who lived up the road had offered many times to take care of their farm while they took a vacation, but they never took advantage of his offer.  Finally, after 40 years they decided to take Farmer Green up on his offer to go to somewhere Mr. Brown had always wanted to go--Switzerland.

The Browns went to to a famous chateau near Mont Blanc and were nearly to the end of the first week when the concierge said, "Mr. Brown we have a call from the States.  Do you want to take the call?"  Mrs. Brown took the call only to find that it was Neighbor Green who said, "I am sorry to tell you that that little calico cat of you has died.  I am sorry to have to let you know."  Mrs. Brown, cried out and complained, "How could you just tell me just like that?  That calico cat was like a child to me and this comes as a terrible and sudden shock!" 

Mr. Green asked for a little guidance,"How should I have told you that would have gone better?" Mrs. Brown suggested, "You could have called me and said that you could not find the calico cat. The next day you could have called again and told me that you found the cat and it was up on the roof, but has not been able to eat.  The next day you could call me to say that while you needed to take the cat to vet he was not doing well.  Then the next day you might have called me to finally say that the cat had died at the vet.  This way I would have had several days to get prepared for this horrible news."  Farmer Green apologized profusely and said that he sincerely hoped that he had not ruined her vacation.

It was about a week later that the concierge called Mrs. Brown over again, asking if she would take a call from the states.  Of course she did and it was again Farmer Green.  He said, " I am really sorry to have to call you on your vacation again, but I needed to let you know that about your Mother. She is up on the roof."
Joel from San Jose

2010 Itasca Suncruiser 37F
8.1L Chevy Workhorse with Banks PowerPack
2016 CMax Energi Hybrid dinghy

SMR

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  • Posts: 575
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #677 on: July 16, 2017, 06:30:11 PM »
hmmm....
Gonna put the world away for a minute......
Steve
2016 Bighorn 3760 EL
2015 Ford F350
me, DW and our 2 dogs

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #678 on: July 17, 2017, 11:21:50 AM »
Church Ladies With Typewriters

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again, ‘ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #679 on: July 18, 2017, 11:48:28 AM »
NEW ALPHABET

A is for apple,
and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but Happiness comes through your door.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2017, 04:57:36 PM by Tom »
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #680 on: July 24, 2017, 04:14:07 PM »
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS

Read the questions and fill in the blanks. The answers are below, but don’t cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don’t know, but he left this behind What did he leave behind? ________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03.”Get your kicks, ___________________.”

04. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________.”

05. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we “danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the? “_____________.”

07. “NESTLES”, Nestle’s makes the very best... _______________.”

08. Satchmo was America’s “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton’s hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and “________ ________”.

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW.?What other names did it go by? ____________ &? _______________?

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, “the day the music died.”This was a tribute to? ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the? ________________.!













ANSWERS:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and “Good Night, and may God Bless.”
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #681 on: July 28, 2017, 12:06:19 PM »
Technology!!

Isn’t this the truth ... were getting old at the right time...

Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

 

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #682 on: July 30, 2017, 04:33:42 PM »
Québec Contractor...

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at an Ottawa property...

One is from Vancouver, another is from Toronto and the third is from Quebec. All three go with a Government official to examine the fence.

The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Quebec contractor doesn’t measure or figure anything, but leans over to the government official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “But you didn’t even measure like the other guys! And how did you come up with such a high figure?” The Quebec contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Quebec Government contracting works.

I think the same system is working in America as well.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Woodcutter

  • Posts: 3
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #683 on: July 30, 2017, 10:45:55 PM »
After years of traveling the world outdoors, I've come to the conclusion that, with all the species of snakes in this world, I can narrow down the list of snakes that I truly hate to three.  I hate big snakes.  I hate little snakes.  And I hate sticks that look like snakes.

halfwright

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  • Posts: 1197
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #684 on: July 31, 2017, 12:33:34 AM »
There are only two types of snakes i dislike----live ones and dead ones.
Jim And Darlene Wright
Full-timing with
Ryder, half poodle-- half garbage disposal
All in a
2007 Montana Mountaineer
2002 F250 Super duty 7.3 liter

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #685 on: August 09, 2017, 04:36:00 PM »
Where to retire: You can retire to Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town
4 You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

-OR-

You can retire to Michigan where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”

-OR-

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

mypursuit

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  • Posts: 370
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #686 on: August 10, 2017, 03:40:37 PM »
RE :  Where to Retire       Showed this to my brother.  His reply:

You can retire to Washington (the State)

1) you can choose East side (Conservative) or West side (Liberal)

2) East side has hot summers and cold winters; West side more moderate  with ocean breezes

3) East side has farms and ranches; West side has Microsoft and Amazon

4) East side has 4X4 pickups, ATVs and tractors; West side has electric cars and bicycles

5) on the East side with a million dollars you can buy a ranch or farm with a house; on the West Side you can buy a house with neighbors.
1997 Georgie Boy Pursuit     2008 Ford Focus
P-30 / 454 Chevy w/ Stan's Headers, ceramic plug wires, cold air intake and K-N Air cleaner
Home Port Whidbey Island Washington
U.S. Navy 1970 - 1990
"Truth is the hardest thing you'll find, because you can't change it in the slightest way. " J. Paycheck

Roy M

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  • Posts: 161
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #687 on: August 10, 2017, 03:54:20 PM »
The family was sitting down to dinner, little Johnny started eating as soon as the plate hit the table. His mother said"Johnny, you know to wait until grace has been said".
"I don't have to" the boy replied.
"Yes you do" said his mother. "Just like at home".
He replied "That's at home but we are at grandma's and she can cook".

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #688 on: August 11, 2017, 12:39:52 PM »
Subject: Low oil?

Now why didn’t I think of this before now?????

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn’t know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

  • ---
  • Posts: 1053
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #689 on: August 13, 2017, 06:22:31 PM »
1. Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2 Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3 Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4 Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5 Variation Law If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6 Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7 Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8 Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9 Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last ... They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

If you don’t forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really ... It’s true. I read it on the Internet!
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

 

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