Post a joke

Probably a pond where the outhouse used to be.  ;D

The difference between marketing and sales:

Marketing knows more and more about less and less till it knows everything about nothing at all.

Sales knows less and less about more and more until it knows nothing about everything.



Just a few random thoughts.

These are on chalkboards in Johannesburg South Africa

Stop trying to make everybody happy ? you?re not tequila.

Don?t do something permanently stupid because you?re temporally upset.

It?s better to walk alone rather than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.

Be what you needed when you were younger.

If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny is it red or white?

When you?re forgiven you heal. When you let go you grow.

If you have a gun you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank you can rob everyone.

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

When you make a commitment you build hope. When You keep it you build trust.

I am a woman what?s your superpower?

May your choices reflect what your hopes are, not your fears.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

Why do we only rest in peace? Why don?t we live in peace too?

HOW TO REMOVE GRUMPINESS No matter how GRUMPY you may be right now, this should change your mood PS: Don?t forget to read the text at the end of this tale. ;D ;D

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can?t say the letter ??P?? without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn?t want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It?s a Beautiful Morning even when it?s not.

?Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.? ;D ;D

Any day now...

- Hello! Gordon?s pizza?

- No sir it?s Google?s pizza.

- So it?s a wrong number? Sorry.

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please.

- Yes sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it.

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.?

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers
  guide.

  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.

- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial
  database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at
  Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It?s not showing on your credit card statement.

- I paid in cash.

- But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statement.

- I have other source of cash.

- This is not showing as per your last tax return form unless you bought them from
  undeclared income source.

- What the hell!

- I?m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you. ;D

- Enough! I?m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I?m going to an Island without
  internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on
  me.

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago. ;D

God?s Plan For Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it?s God?s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath. 8) 8) 8)

Man's Rules 8)

At last a guy has taken the time to
write this all down


Finally, the guy's side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the
male side.

These are our rules !
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE !
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it !

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girl-
friends are for.
1. Anything we said six months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null
and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you pro-
bably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be in-
terpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do some-

thing or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,

just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say what-
ever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need
directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like
Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say
'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not

worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, abso-

lutely anything you wear is fine.... Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such

topics as baseball or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind

that ? It's like camping. 8)

;D I like that but if I post it on the fridge I will be sleeping on the couch.

Please add 1 more:

Before you ask a question, give us a written answer for the upcoming question. That will save a lot of time, thought, and wrong answers. Both of us will be a lot happier.

Cheers!

I have seen this one before but still chuckle. DW doesn't think it's the least bit funny, hits too close to home I guess.

English - brilliant!

We?ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn?t the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn?t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let?s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren?t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don?t fing,

Grocers don?t groce and hammers don?t ham?

Doesn?t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn?t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship ... We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out, And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing...

If Father is Pop, how come Mother?s not Mop.??? HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Works better to me than my second language.

A lawyer and a senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...?I ask you a question, and if you don?t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don?t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,? he says.

This catches the senior?s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ?What?s the distance from the Earth to the Moon??

The senior doesn?t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it?s the senior?s turn. He asks the lawyer, ?What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four??

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, ?Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four??

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. ;D ;D

Marital Misunderstanding How men and women record things in their diaries...

Wife?s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn?t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn?t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ?Nothing.? I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn?t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can?t explain his behavior. I don?t know why he didn?t say, ?I love you, too.?

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don?t know what to do. I?m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband?s Diary:

A two-foot putt ... who misses a two-foot putt.  :-[ :-[

The world renowned sausage factory was on fire and the area volunteer fire departments were having no luck getting it under control. The owner announced he would pay $100,000 to the crew that could save the secret recipe stored in the safe. A siren wailed on the highway and the truck from East Podunk roared in almost hitting the building.
The crew jumped off, uncoiled the hoses and went to work, the safe and it's contents were rescued. A reporter asked the chief what they were going to do with all that money. He replied "First we're going to fix the brakes on that dang truck".

?Words? we used as kids! 8)

For many of us, the terms and words or phrase?s listed below will ring a bell. Other?s of this modern age of verbal communication will have no clue.

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word, murgatroyd?

The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said,

?What the heck is a Jalopy?? He never heard of the word, ?jalopy?!! She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

These phrases included: Don?t touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record, and; Hung out to dry. They?re as close as two peas in a pod.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We?d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn?t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back then, life used to be swell, but when?s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn?t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, ?Well, I?ll be a monkey?s uncle!? or, ?This is a fine kettle of fish!? We discover that the words and expressions that we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we?ve left behind. Where have all those phrases gone? Long gone. The milkman did it. Hey! It?s your nickel. Don?t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Fiddlesticks! I? ll see you in the funny papers. Don?t take any wooden nickels.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. See you later alligator! 8)

The Browns lived the life of farmers for 40 years with no vacations and no weekends since their animals always needed their attention. Farmer Green who lived up the road had offered many times to take care of their farm while they took a vacation, but they never took advantage of his offer.  Finally, after 40 years they decided to take Farmer Green up on his offer to go to somewhere Mr. Brown had always wanted to go--Switzerland.

The Browns went to to a famous chateau near Mont Blanc and were nearly to the end of the first week when the concierge said, "Mr. Brown we have a call from the States.  Do you want to take the call?"  Mrs. Brown took the call only to find that it was Neighbor Green who said, "I am sorry to tell you that that little calico cat of you has died.  I am sorry to have to let you know."  Mrs. Brown, cried out and complained, "How could you just tell me just like that?  That calico cat was like a child to me and this comes as a terrible and sudden shock!" 

Mr. Green asked for a little guidance,"How should I have told you that would have gone better?" Mrs. Brown suggested, "You could have called me and said that you could not find the calico cat. The next day you could have called again and told me that you found the cat and it was up on the roof, but has not been able to eat.  The next day you could call me to say that while you needed to take the cat to vet he was not doing well.  Then the next day you might have called me to finally say that the cat had died at the vet.  This way I would have had several days to get prepared for this horrible news."  Farmer Green apologized profusely and said that he sincerely hoped that he had not ruined her vacation.

It was about a week later that the concierge called Mrs. Brown over again, asking if she would take a call from the states.  Of course she did and it was again Farmer Green.  He said, " I am really sorry to have to call you on your vacation again, but I needed to let you know that about your Mother. She is up on the roof."

hmmm....

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They?re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: ?Jesus Walks on the Water.?The sermon tonight:?Searching for Jesus.?

Ladies, don?t forget the rummage sale. It?s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don?t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ?I will not pass this way again, ? giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don?t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ?What Is Hell?? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare?s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church?s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ?I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.?

NEW ALPHABET

A is for apple,
and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won?t float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let?s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A?s for arthritis;
B?s the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can?t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I?d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I?d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won?t mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don?t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I?ll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there?s bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that?s ?dizzy? you know.
W is for worry, NOW what?s going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I?m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I?ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I?ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but Happiness comes through your door.