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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 204582 times)

kdbgoat

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  • Posts: 4547
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #750 on: January 04, 2018, 09:22:09 AM »
Thanks Tom, I need that, and pretty much right on time! :)
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #751 on: January 04, 2018, 03:56:12 PM »
Count how many of the following you remember!

blackjack chewing gum

wax coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water

candy cigarettes

soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

party lines (for the phone)

newsreels before the movie

P.F. flyers

butch wax

telephone numbers with a word prefix (olive - 6933)

peashooters

Howdy Doody

45 RPM records

78 RPM records

Records

S & H Green stamps

hi-fi’s

metal ice trays with levers

mimeograph paper

blue flashbulbs

Beanie and Cecil

Rollerskate keys

cork popguns

drive ins

Studebakers

Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 - You’re still young!

If you remember 6-10 - You’re getting older!

If you remembered 11-15, don’t tell your age!

If you remembered 16-25, you’re older than dirt! (NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

kdbgoat

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  • Posts: 4547
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #752 on: January 04, 2018, 04:16:58 PM »
Only 61, but remember them all, plus the Bond Bread truck and the Bon Ton potato chip truck coming to the house.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

kdbgoat

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  • Posts: 4547
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #753 on: January 04, 2018, 04:23:22 PM »
And on the P.F. Flyers:

https://www.pfflyers.com
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

Memtb

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  • Posts: 287
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #754 on: January 04, 2018, 05:04:55 PM »
    Remember everything but... Beanie and Cecil.       Wait....what was the question?
Todd and Marianne
Home Base: Winchester, Wy.
Miniature Schnauzers - Sundai, Nellie and Maggie Mae
2007 Dodge Ram 3500,  6.7 Ram 6 speed manual, 4x4
2004 Teton Grand Freedom
2007 Bigfoot Class C

Seon

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  • Posts: 56
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #755 on: January 11, 2018, 09:18:28 PM »
On Halloween night a young boy rang a doorbell where a man wearing an eye patch over his right eye and had a hook attached to his right fore arm. 

The boy was at awe and asked the man if he was a Pirate.  The man answered no. 

So the boy asked about the man’s hook.  Man replied that he lost his hand in a work accident.

Then the boy asked why the man had a patch over his eye. 

The man said “While leaving the Doctor’s office right after I had the hook attached a Crow flew over me then crapped,  and hitting my eye so I went to wipe it off…
Itasca 27' Spirit
Lake Camanche, CA

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #756 on: February 12, 2018, 07:40:20 PM »
Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode...
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Seon

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  • Posts: 56
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #757 on: February 12, 2018, 09:22:34 PM »
 ;D on the midget
Itasca 27' Spirit
Lake Camanche, CA

Roy M

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  • Posts: 190
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #758 on: February 12, 2018, 09:49:41 PM »
Tom, the first one reminds me of my dad who taught airframe and hydraulics to RCAF ground crew during the war. When I asked him why he refused to fly he replied " I am afraid I will look out the window and see one of my ex students on the ground crew, after some of the stunts those guys pulled I won't take that chance." He was serious. ;D

Oldgator73

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  • Posts: 291
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #759 on: February 13, 2018, 10:16:20 AM »
Carson, North Carolina text books had MacArthur's quote as; ....."I'll be rat back"...

North Carolina has text books?  ;D ;D
Retired Air Force
2016 Winnie Drop
2016 Nissan Frontier

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #760 on: February 14, 2018, 02:42:19 PM »
What Women Want....

What I want in a Man, Original List


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)


1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)


1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)


1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn’t fart in public
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #761 on: February 14, 2018, 04:43:38 PM »
Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By February 14, 2018 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.




Class 1


Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM...


Class 2


Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3



Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4


Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5


Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM


Class 6


How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7


Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum...
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


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Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9


I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10


How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.


Class 11


Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12


How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


From Guys in the Witness Protection Program
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

kdbgoat

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  • Posts: 4547
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #762 on: February 15, 2018, 05:47:40 AM »
Keep it up Tom!  :)) Your posts make my day. ;D
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #763 on: February 15, 2018, 11:08:02 AM »
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It’s so easy to fool OLD people!

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #764 on: February 15, 2018, 01:37:36 PM »
A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Molaker

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  • Posts: 5822
  • We don't camp. We tour.
    • Pumpkin and Us
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #765 on: February 15, 2018, 04:32:33 PM »
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It’s so easy to fool OLD people!

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...
Oh, I expected you to say something about "kick him in the ice hole".  Oh wait.  That's another story...


How do you catch a polar bear?
1. Cut a hole in the ice
2. Sprinkle green peas around the hole
3. When a bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.


Easy peasy
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

Tom Hoffman

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  • Posts: 1087
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #766 on: February 19, 2018, 01:13:54 PM »
During a physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical - I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. Ran away from an irate mother bear, and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”

Amazed by the story, the doctor said “You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!”

“No” the woman replied “I’m just a really, really shitty golfer.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Oldgator73

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  • Posts: 291
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #767 on: February 19, 2018, 01:43:30 PM »
I'm having a bad day. My friend, a doctor, called and said he was in big trouble. He said there's a good chance he could lose his job and his license. Seems he slept with one of his patients. He admits it was a big mistake but fears the ramifications will be insurmountable. He also has student loans that he is still paying. All the above plus having to deal with what his family thinks of him now. This is a real tragedy. Hate to see this happen to such a great guy and he was a really good veterinarian.
Retired Air Force
2016 Winnie Drop
2016 Nissan Frontier

Seon

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  • Posts: 56
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #768 on: February 19, 2018, 06:11:26 PM »
... Hate to see this happen to such a great guy and he was a really good veterinarian.

So he doesn't eat meat, only vegetables?  :o  ;D
Itasca 27' Spirit
Lake Camanche, CA

Oldgator73

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  • Posts: 291
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #769 on: February 19, 2018, 06:26:17 PM »
So he doesn't eat meat, only vegetables?  :o  ;D

Don't know his dietary habits. No reports that he ate any of his patients.
Retired Air Force
2016 Winnie Drop
2016 Nissan Frontier

Seon

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  • Posts: 56
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #770 on: Today at 09:09:43 AM »
Don't know his dietary habits...

My bad, I misread that he was a vegetarian  ???  ;D
Itasca 27' Spirit
Lake Camanche, CA

 

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