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Oldgator73 said:
John, I think you posted about propane tanks under Jokes.

Happens some times that a post, for some reason, winds up in the wrong thread. NOt too often here though. more likely on Facebook

Ok Propane joke
:Question (This is from a genuine pump jockey test)
What happens if you get the right mixture of Propane and Air and there is a spark of flame

Answer: YOu land two counties over.

(NOTE: Teacher liked my answer).
 
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, ?Since you?ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.?Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ?I want to hang out with God.? St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, ?Hey, aren?t you the inventor of woman??

God said, ?Ah, yes.?

?Well,? said Arthur, ?professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There?s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.?

?Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,? replied God, ?hold on.? God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

?Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,? God said to Arthur, ?but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.?

SHARE if it made you LAUGH ?
 
New Naval Ships Female Quarter Regulations:

Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private ?OFF LIMITS? area on all aircraft carriers. While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, ?Female sleeping quarters will be ?out-of-bounds? for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.?

And the Admiral continued, ?Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions??

At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired, ?How much for a season pass??

God bless the Marine Corps! ;D ;D ;D

USMC 1965 to FOREVER!! 8) 8) 8)
 
Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?





See answer below:















Get off the merry-go-round and go home you old fart, you?ve had enough excitement for one day! ;D ;D
 
A woman goes into Cabela?s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson?s birthday. She doesn?t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, ?Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel??

He says, ?Ma?am, I?m completely blind; but if you?ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.?

She doesn?t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ?That?s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It?s a good all-around combination, and it?s on sale this week for only $20.?

She says, ?It?s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I?ll take it!?

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. ?Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,? he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn?t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, ?That?ll be $34.50 please.?

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ?Didn?t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50??

He replies, ?Yes, ma?am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.?

She paid it and left without saying a word.





 
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
 
One for the girls!


What do you call a handcuffed man?

  Trustworthy.



  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling  your name?

  You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



  Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

  Because if they all went, it would be Hell.



  Why do men like smart women?

  Opposites attract.



  How are husbands like lawn mowers?

  They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time  they don't work.



  How can you tell when a man is well hung?

  When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the  noose.



  How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

  We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.



  How do men exercise on the beach?

  By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.



  How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

  Make him wear shoes.



  How does a man show he's planning for the future?

  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.



  How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

  All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.



  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.



  What did God say after creating man?

  I can do so much better.



  What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

  Any place without a drive-up window.



  What do you call a man with half a brain?

  Gifted.



  Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

  When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.



  What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

  Exchange him.



  What should you give a man who has everything?

  A woman to show him how to work it.

 
jackiemac said:
One for the girls!

Back at ya!  ;)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called "Wedding Cake."

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, SuffeRing.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning God created the Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds:
"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
 
Know how to really annoy your wife while having sex?

Phone her
I recently heard a very funny story. A woman on a train was talking non stop to her husband or boyfriend on her cell phone while her seat mate was trying to get some sleep. He finally leaned over and said in a loud voice "Honey, will you please turn that off and come back to bed".
 
Mortimer the Magnificent tried for ages to get into the circus. When Trevor?s Traveling Carnival came to town, he begged and pleaded with the owner to watch his act.

The owner finally agreed. Mortimer stepped into the centre ring and began flapping his arms wildly, and within moments he rose off the ground. As he went higher and faster, he began to do all kinds of tricks: barrel rolls and loop-the-loops, swan dives and somersaults. After about 20 minutes of this, Mortimer floated back down to the ground and landed gracefully right in front of the circus owner.

The owner took a puff on his cigar and asked ?So what else do you do besides bird impersonations??
 
Retired Doctor

Cute Story, Enjoy

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
   
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
 
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!



ModEdit: Fixed excessive text size -LS
 
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson?s birthday.

She doesn?t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, ?Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel??

He said, ?Ma?am, I?m completely blind, but if you?ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.?

She doesn?t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said,

?That?s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.test line. It?s a good all-around combination and it?s on sale this week for only $20.00.?

She said, It?s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. Yes he replied, because I?m blind I have developed a keen sense of smell and hearing...

I?ll take it!? As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. ?Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,? he said.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who ripped one. Being blind, he wouldn?t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and said, ?That?ll be $34.50 please.?

The woman is totally confused by this and asked, ?Didn?t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50??

He replied, ?Yes, Ma?am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.?




 

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