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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 250387 times)

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #810 on: March 31, 2018, 02:12:50 PM »
You are a “REDNECK” if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #811 on: April 03, 2018, 05:19:42 PM »
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t!


2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.


4. I used

to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


9. I’m not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.


10. Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.


11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


15. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!


16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.


17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.


19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.


22. Ham and eggs ... A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.


23. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.


Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends & family! ... Life is too short and friends are too few! T.
8) 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Seon

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #812 on: April 03, 2018, 06:46:24 PM »
You are a “REDNECK” if...



If your pick up line at the tractor pull is, "Mighty fine tooth you got there sweetie"  ;D
Itasca 27' Spirit
Lake Camanche, CA

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #813 on: April 04, 2018, 08:04:06 AM »
You know on that list of sayings.. There is a lot of truth (IE: God must love stupid people...." but at least one error. PMS predates Mad Cow.. But then we are not supposed to have mad Cow in the USA.. Except for one person I shall not name (She has threatened to sue me for defmation.. except I have only told the TRUTH about her so any such suit would backfire.. Alas we both had the same ISP for a while).
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #814 on: April 06, 2018, 06:42:09 PM »
I grew up with practical parents a mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen before they had a name for it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.

I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there’d always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer’s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ... never to return ... So ... While we have it ... it’s best we love it ... And care for it ... And fix it when it’s broken ... And heal it when it’s sick.

This is true. For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad report cards ... And dogs with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a ‘keeper’, so I’ve sent it to the people I think of in the same way ... Now it’s your turn to send this to those people that are “keepers” in your life. Good friends are like stars ... You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!

I am sure you know who to send this to.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #815 on: April 09, 2018, 04:07:07 PM »
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first Bull said, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

The second Bull added, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third Bull added, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of.” I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first Bull said, “Ahem ... You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second Bull added, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They looked over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and found him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. The first Bull said,”Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third Bull answered, “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull...”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Back2PA

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #816 on: April 09, 2018, 08:19:29 PM »
The third Bull answered, “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull...”


I was fully invested right to the end. Truly LOL 😂
Scott
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Back2PA

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #817 on: April 09, 2018, 08:43:47 PM »
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."[/size]The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."[/color]
Scott
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #818 on: April 19, 2018, 11:30:58 PM »
Haircut

(Blessed are those who can give without remembering ... and take without forgetting.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The Senator was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #819 on: April 20, 2018, 10:08:21 AM »
I often tell people at political events and discussions that I grew up on a Dairy Farm.
Often they will ask what that has to do with what the Politician is talking about?

"I've shoveled that stuff too".
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Alaskansnowbirds

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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #821 on: April 23, 2018, 06:44:12 PM »



Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person... 8) 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #822 on: April 24, 2018, 07:16:01 AM »
 :)) :)) :))
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #823 on: April 30, 2018, 08:19:21 PM »
20 out of 20

Baby Boomer Quiz

How did you do??? 8)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXf5bf-pMQ
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Back2PA

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #824 on: April 30, 2018, 08:46:39 PM »
20 out of 20

Baby Boomer Quiz

How did you do??? 8)



14  :-\


Man I miss Huntley and Brinkley 🙁
« Last Edit: April 30, 2018, 08:48:31 PM by Sun2Retire »
Scott
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Oldgator73

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #825 on: May 01, 2018, 05:58:34 AM »
20 out of 20

Baby Boomer Quiz

How did you do??? 8)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXf5bf-pMQ

I need a couple more cups of coffee before I tackle this. The quiz seems easy but the music will put you to sleep.
Retired Air Force
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muskoka guy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #826 on: May 01, 2018, 08:21:11 AM »
20 out of 20

Baby Boomer Quiz

How did you do??? 8)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXf5bf-pMQ
Some of these are a bit before my time, but I got 16.

Punomatic

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #827 on: May 01, 2018, 09:22:07 AM »
GOT 'EM ALL. Does that mean I'm old? Oh, please, please, please say, "No."
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BobNSam

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #828 on: May 01, 2018, 11:54:29 AM »
What the heck us a POGO? 19
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shorts

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #829 on: May 01, 2018, 12:13:20 PM »
I must be older than I look (I least I hope so) I got 20 out of 20! Maybe just an old soul? Yeah, that’s it! Ha!


Vicki
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Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #830 on: May 01, 2018, 01:04:23 PM »
20 out of 20, of course.  What's so hard about current events?
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
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Fogetty

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #831 on: May 01, 2018, 01:05:57 PM »
GOT 'EM ALL. Does that mean I'm old? Oh, please, please, please say, "No."

Just "well educated"  ;D ;)

muskoka guy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #832 on: May 01, 2018, 03:11:27 PM »
20 out of 20

Baby Boomer Quiz

How did you do??? 8)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXf5bf-pMQ
Maybe its because Im on the bottom end of the baby boom, 1964, or maybe because Im Canadian, but several of those I have never heard of. Who are the Beatles. lol just kidding.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 03:13:15 PM by muskoka guy »

Jim18655

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #833 on: May 01, 2018, 04:29:16 PM »
20/20

Memtb

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #834 on: May 01, 2018, 05:21:36 PM »
   An old country gentleman had three attractive daughters, all reaching the age of marriage availability, or soon to be. Many suitors were interested in their hand in marriage. One young man of means asked to date each of the three.....as he wanted the “perfect” wife.
   After dating the oldest daughter, he returned her home, and stated “ This girl has a “slightly” lazy eye, and doesn’t meet my expectations”! The father replied, “ Not so much...Not that you could notice”! The young man stated, “I noticed”!
    The young man then took out the middle daughter, upon bringing her back home, he told the girls father, “ Although very beautiful, and smart....she will not do, as she has a slight lisp,I cannot have her for a wife”! The father responded, “Not so much....Not that you could notice”! Again, the young man stated, “I noticed”!
    The young man then took the third and youngest daughter out. The young man was immediately “smitten” by her. She was beautiful, smart, articulate in speech, and appeared to have the work ethics of a good wife. Within days they were a married couple.
     Within just a few weeks after the marriage, the young man noticed a “tommy bulge”....she was quite pregnant! Angrily he addressed the girls father, “ This girl was pregnant when we got married”!   The father responded, “ Not so much...Not that you could notice”!
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 05:28:05 PM by Memtb »
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therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #835 on: May 02, 2018, 09:43:44 PM »
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
 "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
 "Tell me!  Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which would you like to hear first?"
 Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
 The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
 "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
 The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.  Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
 Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
 The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #836 on: May 05, 2018, 09:29:12 PM »

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Peggyy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #837 on: May 14, 2018, 03:58:57 PM »
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No!" answers the clerk. "Got any duck feed?"
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grashley

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #838 on: May 14, 2018, 07:16:39 PM »
 ;D  ;D  ;D
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dave54

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #839 on: May 21, 2018, 11:41:17 AM »
Alexander the Great was not only a brilliant general, he also was an inventor.  For example, he discovered a mixture of herbs and berries that changed color as it dried.  He soaked strips of cloth in the liquid paste, and tied the cloth around the arms of his soldiers, and thus keeping track of how many hours they have been marching -- a primitive wristwatch.
This invention is known today as....

Alexander's Rag Time Band.
I never get lost.  I just have unplanned adventures.