Post a joke

I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow??

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!?

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?"

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building
and see their shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull ****.?

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

I resemble that joke.  Was that political???  I see political in that joke!!!  Okay by me............lol

Bill

Jim, when I recover from laughing my.... anatomy.... off I'll be sharing that one.

Tom Hoffman said:

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

ModEdit: Fixed excessive text size -LS

Click to expand...

The way I heard it was, "Old age and cunning will overcome youth and skill every time."

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he?d fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he?d planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn?t been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ?We?re not coming out until you leave!? The old man frowned and yelled back, ?I didn?t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond.? Holding the bucket up he said, ?I?m just here to feed the alligator.?

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200.

They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. ?Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.?

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, ?Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?? The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. ?You are truly a wise Vet,? they said. ?How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin??

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, ?My wife is from Wisconsin.?

This may or not be a TRUE story. I'm down to four lies a day..... oops, there goes one now.

Talking (preaching about saving, leaning about Mutual Funds, continuing school) to my teen-aged Grandchildren years ago, one of them said to me:
'Your funny Grand-Pa." and proceeded to walk away.
My chest swelled and I felt real good... wow!

Days later I overheard one of the other Grand children saying to their Grand-Mom  (the wife)

"Yes Grand-mom, in school they told us, If someone is annoying and acting like a AH...., just tell them they are Funny, then walk away."

Who knew......

At times it's hard to measure height...

Like the time I was staring at a flag pole in front of my house when my grandson asked why I was staring.

Told him I was trying to figure out how tall the pole was to which he asked, "Why don't you pull the pin out of the base, lay it down and measure the lenght?" 

Smart ash kid, I told him "I want to know how high the pole was, not how long". 

Political Quotes:

?Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.? Groucho Marx

?Politics is made up of two words... ?poli? which is Greek for ?many? and ?tics? which are blood sucking insects.? Gore Vidal

?Politics is War without bloodshed, while War is Politics with bloodshed.? Mao Zedong

?Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.? Nikita Khrushchev

?Too bad 90 percent of politicians give the other 10 percent a bad reputation.? Henry Kissinger

?The best argument against Democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.? Winston Churchill

Tom Hoffman said:

What Women Want....


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn?t miss the toilet

Click to expand...

Hey I'm batting .500  ;D

THIS IS CUTE...

>
>
> Best ever Senior Citizen Joke
>
>
>
> A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
> "Please come over here and help me.
>
>
>
> I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
> how to get started."
>
>
>
> Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when
> it's finished?"
>
> The little silver haired lady says, "According to the
> picture on the box, it's a rooster."
>
>
>
> Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>
> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
> spread all over the table.
>
>
>
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
> then turns to her and says,
>
> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
> going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
> resembling a rooster."
>
>
>
> He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to
> relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."
>
> he said with a deep sigh ............
>
>                    .
>
>                    .
>
>                    .
>
>                    .
>
>                    .
>
>                    .
>
>                    .
>
>                    .                  .
>
>                    .
>
>
> "Let's put all the
> Corn Flakes back in the box."
>

You are a ?REDNECK? if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think ?The Nutcracker? is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don?t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has ?ammo? on her Christmas list

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You?ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don?t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn?t have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ?Cool Whip? on the side.

24. The biggest city you?ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You?ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You?ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn?t!


2. I don?t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3. Some people are alive only because it?s illegal to kill them.


4. I used

to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5. Don?t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


6. You?re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


9. I?m not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.


10. Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.


11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


15. Being ?over the hill? is much better than being under it!


16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.


17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.


19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.


22. Ham and eggs ... A day?s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.


23. I smile because I don?t know what the hell is going on.


Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends & family! ... Life is too short and friends are too few! T. 8) 8)

Tom Hoffman said:

You are a ?REDNECK? if...

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If your pick up line at the tractor pull is, "Mighty fine tooth you got there sweetie"  ;D

You know on that list of sayings.. There is a lot of truth (IE: God must love stupid people...." but at least one error. PMS predates Mad Cow.. But then we are not supposed to have mad Cow in the USA.. Except for one person I shall not name (She has threatened to sue me for defmation.. except I have only told the TRUTH about her so any such suit would backfire.. Alas we both had the same ISP for a while).

I grew up with practical parents a mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen before they had a name for it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.

I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there?d always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer?s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn?t any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ... never to return ... So ... While we have it ... it?s best we love it ... And care for it ... And fix it when it?s broken ... And heal it when it?s sick.

This is true. For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad report cards ... And dogs with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a ?keeper?, so I?ve sent it to the people I think of in the same way ... Now it?s your turn to send this to those people that are ?keepers? in your life. Good friends are like stars ... You don?t always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!

I am sure you know who to send this to.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first Bull said, ?Boys, we all know I?ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don?t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain?t givin? him any of mine.?

The second Bull added, ?That pretty much says it for me, too. I?ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we?ve agreed are mine. I?ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I?M KEEPIN? ALL MY COWS.?

The third Bull added, ?I?ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to ?take care of.? I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.?

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first Bull said, ?Ahem ... You know, it?s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.?

The second Bull added, ?I?ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I?m certainly not looking for an argument.?

They looked over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and found him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. The first Bull said,?Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.?

The third Bull answered, ?Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I?m just making sure he knows I?M a bull...?

Tom Hoffman said:

The third Bull answered, ?Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I?m just making sure he knows I?M a bull...?

Click to expand...

I was fully invested right to the end. Truly LOL ?

Haircut

(Blessed are those who can give without remembering ... and take without forgetting.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ?I cannot accept money from you; I?m doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ?thank you? card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ?I cannot accept money from you; I?m doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ?thank you? card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ?I cannot accept money from you; I?m doing community service this week.? The Senator was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

I often tell people at political events and discussions that I grew up on a Dairy Farm.
Often they will ask what that has to do with what the Politician is talking about?

"I've shoveled that stuff too".