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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 250619 times)

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #840 on: May 25, 2018, 03:12:00 PM »

We all grow old in the end...

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne...

Life is great!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering ... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #841 on: June 13, 2018, 06:57:22 PM »
My Health....

I had the toughest time of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.
 :'(
 :'( :'(
 :'( :'( :'(



 :P
 :P
It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had. ;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

GA_Boy

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  • Posts: 180
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #842 on: June 16, 2018, 05:51:13 PM »
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida . They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach to play golf
At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again."Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price”
"OK"
At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."

kportra

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #843 on: June 18, 2018, 01:24:12 PM »
A piece of pie costs $3.00 in Barbados and $2.50 in Jamaica.

These are the Pie Rates of the Carribean.
2017 Heartland Prowler Lynx 18LX
2006 Dodge Ram 1500
Big Sky Country

Optimistic Paranoid

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  • On the Road to Come What May
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #844 on: June 21, 2018, 08:57:59 AM »
Saw on the news that a wealthy Nigerian Prince had died and left all his money to his cat.  It was reported that he had been trying to give his fortune away for years, but no one would respond to his emails . . .
Rule #1 for Boondockers: DON'T FEED THE VULTURES!
My Body is a Temple!  Ancient, Crumbling, Probably Cursed...
I don't like to make advanced plans.  They cause the word "PREMEDITATED" to get used in court!

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #845 on: June 22, 2018, 01:41:34 PM »
I had a power outage at my house this morning. My PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead. To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike, or run. The garage door opener needed electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the car.

I went to the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered this also needed power ... so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person. ;D ;D
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #846 on: June 25, 2018, 11:19:36 PM »
need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #847 on: June 30, 2018, 09:40:28 PM »
The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.

The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger ... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn’t seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn’t permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing...

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents’ den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name? ... We just call him ‘TV’.

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)

He has a wife now ... we call her ‘Computer’.

Their first child is “Cell Phone”.

Second child “iPod”.

And JUST BORN A FEW YEARS AGO WAS a Grandchild: iPad.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

BinaryBob

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #848 on: July 01, 2018, 02:16:16 AM »
This guy worked so hard at his golf game. Determined to get better to go to Scotland. The home of golf and play. He finally feels hes good enough one day and goes to scotland to play. He starts poor. Pushes his tee shot right, chips out, and saves bogey. Bogeys the next and doubles the third. He tells the caddy thats it, I am going to go over there and drown myself. Send my clubs home.

 The caddie responds, you cant do that.

 He says yes I can. I am going to go over there and drown myself.

 The caddie is emphatic. You CAN'T do that.

 He responds, YES I CAN! Why the hell not.

 The caddie replies, you cant keep your head down long enough.
2004 Itasca Suncruiser 37B
2016 Winnebago Adventurer 37F

Molaker

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    • Pumpkin and Us
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #849 on: July 07, 2018, 02:11:32 PM »

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

signcut

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #850 on: July 11, 2018, 12:17:32 PM »
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent...

or, because they're all dead.

Your choice.


:)
"Man is the only animal that blushes... or needs to." - Mark Twain

FenderP

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  • Non Omnis Moriar
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #851 on: July 11, 2018, 01:05:59 PM »
A guy meets a prostitute in a bar.

She says, "this is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words".

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly,

‘Paint…my….house.’
I'd rather you offend me with the truth than appease me with a lie.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #852 on: July 11, 2018, 02:30:42 PM »
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said “Can you please help me, I don’t know what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7, you’re on 6.” He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”

She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14. You are on 13.”

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. “I’m in sales.” He replied “no kidding so am I. What do you sell?”

She said it’s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said “I sell tampons.”

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.” He replied “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you.”



Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

durangod

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  • The more i do the more my TODO list grows
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #853 on: July 12, 2018, 09:13:52 AM »
After i passed on and got to the pearly gates i noticed several clocks on the wall which got me curious, because i saw my name on one of them.
So i ask St. Peter what those clocks were for.

He said well every time you swear the clock moves 1 second. 
I said OK mine is not that bad sitting at 3:00 as i see others that are far worse.

But i ask St. Peter why do i not see everyone up there, especially some people from this RV forum.

St. Peter smiled and said - well all those clocks are upstairs we are using them as fans......   lol  :)
Dave, me, myself, and I
2007 Gulf Stream Conquest 24frbw
2008 Dodge Ram 1500 5.7 Hemi
Fulltime RV living perm location lake in East Texas
My name is short for durangodave

Memtb

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #854 on: July 12, 2018, 09:38:29 AM »
    Three ministers of different faiths and their wives, had been lifelong friends. After retiring from the ministry, they even started traveling and vacationing together. On one of these vacations, the airplane they were in, crashed, killing all aboard! They immediately, found themselves in a very large room, filled with those just departed. There was St. Pete, calling each by name, giving a brief bio on each and then directing them to their eternal destiny.
    The first minister was called... St. Pete sent him to hell, stating, “ you where so concerned with the image of wealth.....you even married a woman named Ruby!
    The second, also sent to hell. St.Pete explained, “you were so infactuated with money....you married a woman named, Penny”!
     Before St. Pete could address the third, the minister turned to his wife and said, “ I leaving now Fanny, I know where to go”!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2018, 09:41:03 AM by Memtb »
Todd and Marianne
Home Base: Winchester, Wy.
Miniature Schnauzers - Sundai, Nellie and Maggie Mae
2007 Dodge Ram 3500,  6.7 Ram 6 speed manual, 4x4
2004 Teton Grand Freedom
2007 Bigfoot Class C

durangod

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #855 on: July 12, 2018, 09:48:35 AM »
Little johnny was sitting on his front porch when his mother came out and ask him why he was not out playing with his friends.

johnny said "well they all have bikes so i cant play" then he put his head down and sat down on the front porch steps. 

His mother said "well as soon as i get the dishes done we can play OK"

After the dishes she stepped out on the front porch and little johnny said "are you ready to play mom" 

His mother said "yes dear, what would you like to do"

Little johnny said "well you go upstairs and get into bed and ill be up in a minute" 

With reluctancy his mom complied wondering why would he suggest such a thing.

A few minutes later she heard a huge thumping sound comming from the stairs. 

Just then little johnny kicked open the bedroom door  CRASH!!!  he had his dads huge cowboy boots on that were 10x the size of his little feet.

Little johnny yelled "Woman!!  what are you doing in bed!!! get dressed and get down to the store and buy that boy a bike"   

lol
Dave, me, myself, and I
2007 Gulf Stream Conquest 24frbw
2008 Dodge Ram 1500 5.7 Hemi
Fulltime RV living perm location lake in East Texas
My name is short for durangodave

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #856 on: July 12, 2018, 10:33:16 AM »
I liked that last one.
The Clock joke... I usually hear that with a politician's name and a different speed adjustment like lying or cheating on your spouse.. but hey.... As to which politician.. Well pick one. odds good you will be dead on.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

durangod

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  • The more i do the more my TODO list grows
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #857 on: July 12, 2018, 01:30:25 PM »
I liked that last one.
The Clock joke... I usually hear that with a politician's name and a different speed adjustment like lying or cheating on your spouse.. but hey.... As to which politician.. Well pick one. odds good you will be dead on.

I used to know soooo many jokes i could go for hours and tell them, but now i remember only a few.   
Dave, me, myself, and I
2007 Gulf Stream Conquest 24frbw
2008 Dodge Ram 1500 5.7 Hemi
Fulltime RV living perm location lake in East Texas
My name is short for durangodave

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #858 on: July 12, 2018, 05:04:27 PM »
Well there are books,  At least 3 of 'em written by Penn and Teller..

OH well... I got a bunch of good giggles the other day on facebook.. Someone posted a photo of an animal.. All black save for the white stripe down the middle of the back... You know the one...

I know some folks have them as house pets.. and I also know the house pets are surgically "Altered" (Sent gland removal) so you are safe.

But imagine a burgler.. Climbs in via the window and sees said "Kitty".... Oh yes... Now that's funny.

(When it comes to skunks facing away from you you follow Gun Protocol. ASSUME it is loaded)
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

durangod

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #859 on: July 12, 2018, 05:16:39 PM »
By the way since we are speaking of humor and since we are under a "shade tree"  i just finished another soda and i dont feel like getting up so does anyone mind if ... well you know  LOL
Dave, me, myself, and I
2007 Gulf Stream Conquest 24frbw
2008 Dodge Ram 1500 5.7 Hemi
Fulltime RV living perm location lake in East Texas
My name is short for durangodave

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #860 on: July 16, 2018, 09:21:06 PM »
Pharmacist to customer:

“Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...

Simply showing a marriage certificate and the wife’s picture is not enough!
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

GA_Boy

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  • Posts: 180
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #861 on: July 21, 2018, 01:40:14 PM »
Doctor to Patient-----------I have bad news and really bad news.
OK Doc, what is the bad news?
Doc says, my staff and I have gone over all you tests and determined that you only have 24 hours to live.
Darn Doc, what could be worse than that ? Give me the really bad news.
Doc says, I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #862 on: August 15, 2018, 10:59:50 AM »
After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition.

He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?”

He barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”

Welcome to the golden years... 8) 8) 8)


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #863 on: August 20, 2018, 06:44:26 PM »
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had ... Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles... ‘ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’

The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

RVMommaTo6

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #864 on: August 21, 2018, 04:56:03 PM »
This has been one of my favorites for years.....
Amanda
Mommy to 6 great kids who love camping and traveling
July 31, 2019- begin our 10 month cross country trip
2015 Thor Motor Coach A.C.E. 30.2
2010 35ft Springdale bunkhouse TT
2001 Jayco Pop-up

RVMommaTo6

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  • New York
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #865 on: August 21, 2018, 05:14:48 PM »
And another one that always makes me laugh, I keep it on my phone and I seriously can't get through it with a straight face (disclaimer- I'm very easily amused)
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 05:25:24 PM by RVMommaTo6 »
Amanda
Mommy to 6 great kids who love camping and traveling
July 31, 2019- begin our 10 month cross country trip
2015 Thor Motor Coach A.C.E. 30.2
2010 35ft Springdale bunkhouse TT
2001 Jayco Pop-up

Alpena Jeff

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #866 on: August 21, 2018, 05:22:53 PM »
Waiting....
Jeff & Judy
2016 Newmar Ventana 3427
2018 GMC Canyon All Terrain toad
Blue Ox Aventa LX - RVi3 - EEZRV
Retired to "the lake" in north Michigan

RVMommaTo6

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  • New York
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #867 on: August 21, 2018, 05:26:06 PM »
Waiting....
It didn't attach the first time so then I had to go find it again
Amanda
Mommy to 6 great kids who love camping and traveling
July 31, 2019- begin our 10 month cross country trip
2015 Thor Motor Coach A.C.E. 30.2
2010 35ft Springdale bunkhouse TT
2001 Jayco Pop-up

Alpena Jeff

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #868 on: August 21, 2018, 05:28:01 PM »
 :))
Gotcha momma!
Jeff & Judy
2016 Newmar Ventana 3427
2018 GMC Canyon All Terrain toad
Blue Ox Aventa LX - RVi3 - EEZRV
Retired to "the lake" in north Michigan

RVMommaTo6

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  • New York
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #869 on: August 21, 2018, 05:28:58 PM »
I added it as an edit, I seriously laugh every time I read it
Amanda
Mommy to 6 great kids who love camping and traveling
July 31, 2019- begin our 10 month cross country trip
2015 Thor Motor Coach A.C.E. 30.2
2010 35ft Springdale bunkhouse TT
2001 Jayco Pop-up