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We all grow old in the end...

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That?s common sense leaving your body.

I didn?t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ?John? and renamed it the ?Jim?. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

The biggest lie I tell myself is...?I don?t need to write that down, I?ll remember it.?

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would?ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven?t met yet...

Why do I have to press one for English when you?re just going to transfer me to someone I can?t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age ?Getting lucky? means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I?m not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don?t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don?t have a curfew. I have a driver?s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don?t have acne...

Life is great!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can?t remember their names.

Now, I?m wondering ... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
 
My Health....

I had the toughest time of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don?t know how I pulled through it.
:'(
:'( :'(
:'( :'( :'(



:p
:p
It was the hardest spelling test I?ve ever had. ;D ;D
 
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida . They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach to play golf
At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again."Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price?
"OK"
At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
 
A piece of pie costs $3.00 in Barbados and $2.50 in Jamaica.

These are the Pie Rates of the Carribean.
 
Saw on the news that a wealthy Nigerian Prince had died and left all his money to his cat.  It was reported that he had been trying to give his fortune away for years, but no one would respond to his emails . . .
 
I had a power outage at my house this morning. My PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead. To top it off, it was raining so I couldn?t go for a walk, bike, or run. The garage door opener needed electricity so I couldn?t go anywhere in the car.

I went to the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered this also needed power ... so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person. ;D ;D
 
need to re-home a dog. It?s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you?re interested, let me know and I?ll jump over next door?s fence and get it for you.
 
The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.

The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger ... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn?t seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn?t permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing...

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents? den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name? ... We just call him ?TV?.

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)

He has a wife now ... we call her ?Computer?.

Their first child is ?Cell Phone?.

Second child ?iPod?.

And JUST BORN A FEW YEARS AGO WAS a Grandchild: iPad.
 
This guy worked so hard at his golf game. Determined to get better to go to Scotland. The home of golf and play. He finally feels hes good enough one day and goes to scotland to play. He starts poor. Pushes his tee shot right, chips out, and saves bogey. Bogeys the next and doubles the third. He tells the caddy thats it, I am going to go over there and drown myself. Send my clubs home.

The caddie responds, you cant do that.

He says yes I can. I am going to go over there and drown myself.

The caddie is emphatic. You CAN'T do that.

He responds, YES I CAN! Why the hell not.

The caddie replies, you cant keep your head down long enough.
 
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
 
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent...

or, because they're all dead.

Your choice.


:)
 
A guy meets a prostitute in a bar.

She says, "this is your lucky night. I?ve got a special game for you. I?ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words".

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly,

?Paint?my?.house.?
 
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said ?Can you please help me, I don?t know what hole I?m on.?

She told him ?You are one hole behind me. I?m on 7, you?re on 6.? He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. ?I?m sorry to bother you again but I?m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I?m on.?

She told him ?You are one hole behind me. I?m on 14. You are on 13.?

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. ?I?m in sales.? He replied ?no kidding so am I. What do you sell??

She said it?s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she?d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said ?I sell tampons.?

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said ?You promised you wouldn?t laugh.? He replied ?I?m sorry, but I couldn?t help it. I sell toilet paper. I?m still one hole behind you.?



 
After i passed on and got to the pearly gates i noticed several clocks on the wall which got me curious, because i saw my name on one of them.
So i ask St. Peter what those clocks were for.

He said well every time you swear the clock moves 1 second. 
I said OK mine is not that bad sitting at 3:00 as i see others that are far worse.

But i ask St. Peter why do i not see everyone up there, especially some people from this RV forum.

St. Peter smiled and said - well all those clocks are upstairs we are using them as fans......  lol  :)
 
    Three ministers of different faiths and their wives, had been lifelong friends. After retiring from the ministry, they even started traveling and vacationing together. On one of these vacations, the airplane they were in, crashed, killing all aboard! They immediately, found themselves in a very large room, filled with those just departed. There was St. Pete, calling each by name, giving a brief bio on each and then directing them to their eternal destiny.
    The first minister was called... St. Pete sent him to hell, stating, “ you where so concerned with the image of wealth.....you even married a woman named Ruby!
    The second, also sent to hell. St.Pete explained, “you were so infactuated with money....you married a woman named, Penny”!
    Before St. Pete could address the third, the minister turned to his wife and said, “ I leaving now Fanny, I know where to go”!
 
Little johnny was sitting on his front porch when his mother came out and ask him why he was not out playing with his friends.

johnny said "well they all have bikes so i cant play" then he put his head down and sat down on the front porch steps. 

His mother said "well as soon as i get the dishes done we can play OK"

After the dishes she stepped out on the front porch and little johnny said "are you ready to play mom" 

His mother said "yes dear, what would you like to do"

Little johnny said "well you go upstairs and get into bed and ill be up in a minute" 

With reluctancy his mom complied wondering why would he suggest such a thing.

A few minutes later she heard a huge thumping sound comming from the stairs. 

Just then little johnny kicked open the bedroom door  CRASH!!!  he had his dads huge cowboy boots on that were 10x the size of his little feet.

Little johnny yelled "Woman!!  what are you doing in bed!!! get dressed and get down to the store and buy that boy a bike" 

lol
 
I liked that last one.
The Clock joke... I usually hear that with a politician's name and a different speed adjustment like lying or cheating on your spouse.. but hey.... As to which politician.. Well pick one. odds good you will be dead on.
 
John From Detroit said:
I liked that last one.
The Clock joke... I usually hear that with a politician's name and a different speed adjustment like lying or cheating on your spouse.. but hey.... As to which politician.. Well pick one. odds good you will be dead on.

I used to know soooo many jokes i could go for hours and tell them, but now i remember only a few. 
 
Well there are books,  At least 3 of 'em written by Penn and Teller..

OH well... I got a bunch of good giggles the other day on facebook.. Someone posted a photo of an animal.. All black save for the white stripe down the middle of the back... You know the one...

I know some folks have them as house pets.. and I also know the house pets are surgically "Altered" (Sent gland removal) so you are safe.

But imagine a burgler.. Climbs in via the window and sees said "Kitty".... Oh yes... Now that's funny.

(When it comes to skunks facing away from you you follow Gun Protocol. ASSUME it is loaded)
 
By the way since we are speaking of humor and since we are under a "shade tree"  i just finished another soda and i dont feel like getting up so does anyone mind if ... well you know  LOL
 
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