Post a joke

[Seajay]

PUNCHLINE FOR PANCAKE BILL..............
and everyone else interested ......lol......

''Someone has to go WEE, WEEEE, WEEEEEEEEE all the way home.........''
(I will give you the body of the ''pun'' in two days unless someone guesses the body'')

Your daily brain teaser courtesy of the United States Navy
and all veterans of all armed forces of every stripe and color.

(before I get comments on the ''stripe and color'' comment .......
that is refering to their rank and the color of their uniform oF our brave fighting men
and women in our armed forces.... IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE)
God bless our troops and bring them home safe and soon .....

[Marc L]

Keep them coming, but keep them clean.

[Seajay]

Your daily Pun courtesy of the U. S. Navy.  the greatest fighting force in the world...


Subject: PUNS - VOICES



A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and sits down.  Then he orders a drink.



After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.  "Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off.



After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers.



Shaking his head, he sips once more.  Again the voice, “Hey mister! Cool shirt!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”







“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”





Dont blame me for the content of the puns.   I do not wirte them....

Veterans gave us our freedoms.
Friday is National Hug a Veteran day......

[bucks2]

Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken

[Molaker]

Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken

Telling filthy jokes is not appreciated on this forum.

[BobNSam]

27

I didn't like that one the first 100 timse I heard it and still don't think its funny!
 
 
Bob

[Seajay]

Telling filthy jokes is not appreciated on this forum.

Obviously you are thinking about ''#26'' because I heard ''#27'' from my sunday school teacher over the P.A. system on the church bus while we were coming back from a tent revival last Wednsday nite.  The whole bus laughed and the driver laughed so hard he almost ran in the ditch because he was crying from laughing.


Lets all thank our troops for a great job when they get home.......

[Molaker]

A young man applied for a sales position in a local department store.  Being young, it took some convincing that he was the man they were looking for, so he was hired on a trial basis.  After only one week, the sales manager called him to talk about the new salesman’s week.  The manager was impressed.  The new salesman had exceeded all expectations.  In fact, he had broken all existing sales records.  So, he asked the new salesman how he did it.
 
“Well, a feller came in and I sold him some fish hooks.  Then I told him since he has new fish hooks, he ought to get some new fishing line.  So, I sold him some new line.  Then I told him since he had new hooks and new line, a new rod and reel would look nice.  So, I sold him a new rod and reel.  Then I told him that he a need some new fishing lures to go with his new rod and reel.  So, I sold him two of each type of lures the store carries and a new tackle box to carry them in.”
 
The sales manager said, “That’s great salesmanship, but it doesn’t explain the total sales figure I have here.  Is that all?”
 
“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said, “I did manage to sell him a bit more.  I told him since he had all this new fishing equipment, he ought to have a new boat so he could, get to the good fishing spots.  So, I sold him a new 19’ bassboat with a 200 HP outboard engine on a tandem axle trailer.”
 
“Wow!  Now that’s really good salesmanship.  You are going to go places, son.  But, it still doesn’t explain these figures.  Is that all?”
 
“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said, “I told the guy he was well on his way to the best fishing trip of his life, if he just had a way to tow the boat to the lake.  So, I sold him a new Dodge 4x4 extended cab pickup with full tow package.”
 
“Wonderful!” the manager cried.  “So, that’s where these figures come from.  All that and the guy only came in for fish hooks?”
 
“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said.  “The feller came in for feminine napkins and I told him since he wasn’t doing anything this weekend he may as well go fishing.”

[seabreeze331]

After three months of watching two young men filling and rolling wheelbarrows every day with dirt from the lot next door, I went over and asked what was going on?

They replied, "Uncle Jim Bob passed and left us this lot so we're taking it home"

[BernieD]

They replied, "Uncle Jim Bob passed and left us this lot so we're taking it home"

Kind of reminds me of the joke from the Stalin days in Russia

Every day after work, these two workers wheeled out a wheelbarrel at the end of the work day. Finally a co-worker asked what they were working on. They replied none, just stealing wheelbarrels.

[Ray D]

 My Favorite Animal 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
 
Guess where I am now...

[PancakeBill]

Way back when the Smothers Brothers had their show, they did a dirty jokes award, using only punchlines, the winner was, The drunk said, hey lady, the sign fell off your roof. 

I think it might be #29 in that list.

[Seajay]

Yep, it was #29 but I would not touch it on here with a long stick with tape on the handle.......cj......

God bless our brave troops .......

[bucks2]

I didn't like that one the first 100 timse I heard it and still don't think its funny!
 
 
Bob

Must have been the way I told it. Let me try again,

-27-

[seilerbird]

Must have been the way I told it. Let me try again,

-27-

You have terrible timing and timing is everything in comedy.

[Seajay]

You must ''enunciate'' your punch line and it is also important to use hand gestures and facial expression to really ''sell the joke''............   Watch me ....

''Twenty Seven my dear and frankly, I don't give a darn''
(Did you see how I accentuated the ''Twenty seven'' with my right hand gesture
and how I looked her right in the eye when I said it?.......)

This joke telling lesson will cost you ten cents and you can pay me the next time you see me........cj...

Brought to you by the U.S. Navy and all the fighting forces of these United States...

[Seajay]

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This surveillance to find low ranking roosters took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the front porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning
he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing,
but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch that he entered him in the Saint
Lawrence County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.





The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"

but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well !!!!.

(Arent you glad you gave me your e mail address now?)

Ten years is enough....... Bring 'um home now please........

[catblaster]

OK BILL....He said "I don't know where ya went last night lad, but I see you won first prize".....

[Seajay]

That is the one about the Scottsman that passed out on the side of the road and was visited by the two young ladies.   Good one ......   Remember it well.......

God bless our troops......

[BobNSam]

Now we know why.

[Seajay]

Ok..... i have a series of comments and questions concerning the chicken and the trooper.
one.  Is the chicken actually ''crossing the road'' or is the road ''moving under the chicken''?
two.  Where is the troops hat?
three. Why is the trooper ''out of step with the chicken''?
four.    Is the trooper being chased by another chicken which is out of the frame?
five.   Why does the officer not simply ''taze the chicken ''  to prevent escape of the chicken?
six....  Exactly whom (or who) is driving the troopers car or did he park it on the highway to persue the escaping chicken?
seven. I do not see a gun on the troopers belt.  Is he armed with a fly swatter?
eight.  Did this occur during rush hour?  If so, where did it occur please?
nine.   Did the trooper receive a commendation for the ''Great chicken persuit and capture and did they give him a new hat?''
ten.   I think we should spank the person that posted this picture........


When you see a vet,,,,,,,,, thank him or her for their service to this nation ....

[PancakeBill]

see how the punchline only is so fun?  saves typing, saves reading through typo's, and exercises your mind, trying to remember the joke, and when it comes back all the hand gestures and word nuances are complete.

Smothers Brothers really knew what they were doing!

[BobNSam]

ten.   I think we should spank the person that posted this picture........

OOH, Seajay, I didn't know you cared. I so look forward to seeing you!

[Seajay]

Sad day........really sad...........


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

Sad to say that the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He had just turned 71.

Doughboy was appropriately buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.



If this announcement has made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

posted courtesy the U.S. Navy News Service
Have you hugged a veteran lately?

[Icemaker]

My Sister shared this w/me...

Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.
3.
No one expects you to run  --
anywhere.
4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.
8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.
9..
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.
10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.
12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13.
You sing along
with elevator music.
14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.
15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.
19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
the same night!

[therealsimpsons]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

To prove to the raccoons that it could be done.

[Ray D]

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
the same night!

 
 
That's not funny! Good medical advice! 

[therealsimpsons]

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

[therealsimpsons]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[therealsimpsons]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."