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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 187833 times)

therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #60 on: January 28, 2012, 05:00:50 PM »
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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seilerbird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #61 on: January 28, 2012, 06:02:28 PM »
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

That joke is just plain silly.

Everyone knows vultures don't fly on airplanes.

It was a Condor.

rsalhus

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #62 on: January 28, 2012, 10:22:35 PM »
An older man said that his wife recently had her annual physical exam and that her doctor told her she had the breasts of a 30-year-old.  So then her jealous husband asked her "what did he say about your sorry 67-year-old ass?"  "Nothing" she replied, "he didn't say anything about you."
Rolf Salhus
Currently at:  Our home in Apple Valley, MN

Luca1369

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #63 on: January 29, 2012, 06:55:33 AM »
Two Muslim men, Mohammed and Abdullah, met in the marketplace.  While chatting they found that they had a lot in common; both had sons who were terrorists.  Mohammed showed Abdullah a photo of his son who died while blowing up a car bomb, "He died a martyr" he said.  Abdullah showed Mohammed a photo of his son and replied that "My son was a martyr too."  Mohammed replied, "Yes, they blow up so fast don't they?"
Steve
1990 Fleetwood Southwind 36'
http://seaworthy.com

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.
I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.
Robert Louis Stevenson

A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
Lao Tsu (570-490 BC)

mrschwarz

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #64 on: January 29, 2012, 08:46:49 AM »
Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken

I didn't find this one as funny as Bill's. I think it may have been his delivery.
Michael

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Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #65 on: January 29, 2012, 08:55:06 AM »
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY COURTESY OF THE U.S.NAVY......

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

U.S.NAVY  The ''Hammer of Freedom'' .... Dont mess with my NAVY..... cj .....
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #66 on: January 29, 2012, 09:02:01 AM »
90 year old woman just burried her husband..

Being depressed, she called her doctor to ask where her heart was. 

The Dr. Told her "just under your left breast"

She picked up a gun, and blew her left knee cap off.

Snare drum tadum dum!!
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #67 on: January 29, 2012, 09:18:28 AM »

Quote
''Someone has to go WEE, WEEEE, WEEEEEEEEE all the way home.........''

one day the three little pigs went out to dinner. the waiter came over and asked, "what would you gentlemen like to drink this evening?" the first little pig said, "a glass of ice tea please." the second little pig said "an ice cold beer please." and the third little pig said "water please." a little while later, the waiter came back and asked "what would you gentlemen like to eat?" the first little pig said "a salad please." the second little pig said "ill have the same." the third little pig said, "water please!" the waiter looked puzzled and asked, "why have you ordered water for all of your courses?" the third little pig said,..........
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therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #68 on: January 29, 2012, 09:25:30 AM »
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
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therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #69 on: January 29, 2012, 09:28:06 AM »
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #70 on: January 29, 2012, 09:38:26 AM »
There are two statues in a park. One of a naked man, one of a naked women.

One day an angel comes down, explaining that the Lord has seen them to have been exemplary statues, so He is granting them one hour of life.

With that the statues come alive and the angel reminds them that they have one hour to do anything they wish. The two statues immediately join hands, smile and run off into the bushes.

There is considerable rustling in the bushes and giggling, and the poor little angel is blushing, desperately trying not to imagine what is going on between the statues.

Thirty minutes later the statues emerge, flushed and smiling at each other. The angel them reminds them that they have an additional half hour of life. The male statue looks at the female statue and says "Do you want to do it again?"

The female replies, "OK, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on his head."
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bucks2

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #71 on: January 29, 2012, 11:00:09 AM »
I didn't find this one as funny as Bill's. I think it may have been his delivery.

The warm up band never gets as much applause as the headliner.

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #72 on: January 29, 2012, 01:20:07 PM »
.................... and then the traveling salesman leaned out of the barn loft and there was a beautiful young lady milking the cow.., She was well formed and simply divined, maybe 25 years old. 
The traveling salesman asked her what her name might be and she replied

"" They call me Baby"".... 

 "" What do they call you sir?''

''They call me the dang fool that slept in the barn''.................



I am so proud to have served my country......
God bless the USA......
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #73 on: January 30, 2012, 07:32:55 AM »
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY PRESENTED BY THE U.S. NAVY....

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

U.S. NAVY  The ''Hammer of Freedom''......
(yep, that is my motto)....cj....
God bless all who serve this great nation..
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #74 on: January 30, 2012, 12:03:31 PM »
10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope & Johnny Cash...
 
Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
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snix

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #75 on: January 30, 2012, 12:59:08 PM »
Mr Smith lay in his hospital bed, his face covered by the oxygen mask.  When the nurse came in he asked her, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".  The nurse was somewhat taken back but wanting to comfort her patient she carefully pulled the blanket down and his gown up.  She carefully examined the organs in question and then said, "No, Mr. Smith, they are not black.  They look perfectly normal to me.".  Mr. Smith pulled down his oxygen mask, smiled warmly and said, "Thank you very much, nurse but please listen carefully; ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #76 on: January 30, 2012, 04:56:39 PM »
I went up to the hospital to visit a friend that had been in a really bad auto accident.   My friend was in Critical Care with wires and hoses running everywhere and machines with dancing lines  on the wall.  His breathing was labored and I stepped forward to reassure him that he would be ok because he was young and tough.  As I stood there I noticed that one of the machines started going flat line and he was having trouble breathing.  He turned his head toward me and gasped for breath as he tried to speak.  I paniced and leaned over to try to understand what he was trying to tell me.  He grabbed my shirt and ripped a pen and pad from my pocket and scribbled a note and crammed it into my hand just before the alarms went off and my friend passed away.  I stepped back to give the doctors room to work and felt very special that he had wanted to communicate with me and write down his last wish.  I felt honored and unfolded the wrinkled note.  I read it slowly and this is what it said ...

(are you ready for this?)

''YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN LI.............''


God bless all persons that serve this nation.....cj....
 
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

bucks2

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #77 on: January 30, 2012, 05:42:50 PM »
A moron walks into a bar, he says: "Ouch".

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #78 on: January 31, 2012, 07:32:09 AM »
A ''Goose Mother'' rhyme from Seajay.....

Little miss Muffit
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whay........
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her ............
And she got up and stomped the crap our of him
Because she did not like SPIDERS......

Thank God for our veterans..... Many died for the freedoms we seldom think about ....cj.....

Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #79 on: January 31, 2012, 03:20:59 PM »
OOPS, appears Carson was offended by mine, and a few others it appears - so I took it down . . .    :) :)
« Last Edit: January 31, 2012, 03:35:03 PM by Bob Buchanan »
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carson

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #80 on: January 31, 2012, 03:25:57 PM »
Talk about this subject going downhill.....  Unbelievable.

Carson, 
 West Central Florida
Ex RV'er. (1995 Winnebago Adventurer)
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...Logic works like a charm...

Luca1369

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #81 on: January 31, 2012, 03:51:44 PM »
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Author unknown
Steve
1990 Fleetwood Southwind 36'
http://seaworthy.com

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.
I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.
Robert Louis Stevenson

A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
Lao Tsu (570-490 BC)

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #82 on: January 31, 2012, 05:49:10 PM »
ANOTHER ''GOOSE MOTHER RHYME'' From Seajay

Little miss muffett
Sat on her tuffitt
Eating her curds and whay

Along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and said .....
''Hay,,,,,,,,, Whatca' got in the bowl girlie?''

I got some more but I can not post them here.........cj......

God bless our troops and lets bring them home NOW............CJ.....
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

snix

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #83 on: February 02, 2012, 07:19:42 AM »
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with cir...cle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

THEBigLarry

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #84 on: February 02, 2012, 07:35:27 AM »
Two Irish men walked past a bar.   It could happen. . . ..
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Gary RV_Wizard

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #85 on: February 02, 2012, 08:28:34 AM »
Seajay's nursery rhyme reminded me of this old, old limerick:

There once was a lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger!
Gary
--------------
Gary Brinck
Summers: Black Mountain, NC
Home: Ocala National Forest, FL

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #86 on: February 02, 2012, 09:04:47 AM »
I once had a friend from the great state of Texas and he was really a nice guy until he had a couple of drinks and then he would start telling tall tales about Texas.   Everything was BIGGER IN TEXAS and he would tell stories that were impossible to believe.   I warned him about it a couple of times that he told a good ''story'' but it was way too exaggerated.  I told him that I would kinda watch him and when his tale got beyond belief, I would cough loudly and point my hands toward the floor as a sign to ''CUT IT DOWN A BIT'' so the tale would be more believeable.  He said OK and we went to a party together and he had a couple of drinks and started talking about his ranch in Texas.....

''My ranch down in Texas covers over ten million square miles and I got more than a million cows and I have the biggest barn in the world to house them cows.  I want everyone to know that that barn is FIVE MILES LONG''
Well, at this I knew it was time to ''tone down the tale just a little '' so I coughed loudly and pointed my hands toward the floor.
He picked up on my signal and stopped and thought a minute............
''Yep folks, I got a barn down in Texas that is FIVE MILES LONG............. Uhhhhhhhhhhh   ''And three feet wide''.

God bless our fire fighters and law enforcement personell that keep us safe........cj.....
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #87 on: February 02, 2012, 09:16:21 AM »
Marsha and Judy went across the tracks to a really seedie beer bar just to look around.  They went in and sat down at the bar and order a beer and were looking around at the patrons when this big biker type dude came in and sat down beside of Judy.  He ordered a beer and smiled at Judy.   Everyone sat silent and sipped their beers when Judy leaned over and whispered to Marsha that the ''biker dude'' was scratchin' his butt as they sat at the bar.
''Oh my God'' whispered Marsha.......... ''Lets leave''
Judy leaned over and whispered ....... ''We can't leave right now''......
''Why not for God sake''..... Whispered Marsha
''BECAUSE HE IS USING MY HAND'' whispered Judy........


Ten years is enough ..... BRING UM HOME NOW.......cj......
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Luca1369

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #88 on: February 02, 2012, 09:29:52 AM »
Speaking of farmers in Texas, I once met one who bragged that on his farm it took him all day to drive from one end to the other.  I said "Yeah, I had a car like that once."
Steve
1990 Fleetwood Southwind 36'
http://seaworthy.com

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.
I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.
Robert Louis Stevenson

A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
Lao Tsu (570-490 BC)

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #89 on: February 02, 2012, 01:30:39 PM »
My cousin Earl was almost deaf and he finally broke down and bought a hearing aid.  He was so happy and he came by my house to brag on his new ability to hear everything....

''I got this new hearing aid and I can hear everything now.  I can hear a Ford rust on a rainy nite.
''I can hear a gnat grit its teeth at 20 feet now''........''Man, I can now hear everything''
I was very proud of him and I asked
 ''What kind is it Earl?''
""ITS A QUARTER AFTER FOUR""..........
''Whats that got to do with my new hearing aid?''

Hug a Vet............. TWICE.......
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

 

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