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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 189179 times)

bucks2

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #90 on: February 03, 2012, 08:31:07 PM »
When the size of Texas tales get too large I just tell the bragger that we're going to cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state. Yep, Alaska's that big.

Alaskansnowbirds

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #91 on: February 03, 2012, 11:46:43 PM »
When the size of Texas tales get too large I just tell the bragger that we're going to cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state. Yep, Alaska's that big.

The Fairbanks North Star Borough School District is only slightly smaller than the states of Rhode Island and Connecticut combined.
Don & Peg
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Currently located here.
Weather at Camp Verde, AZ.

seilerbird

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #92 on: February 04, 2012, 12:40:10 AM »
The Fairbanks North Star Borough School District is only slightly smaller than the states of Rhode Island and Connecticut combined.
That is not saying much. In California we have pot farms bigger than Rhode Island.

Lou Schneider

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #93 on: February 04, 2012, 02:02:56 AM »
California's San Bernardino County at 20,105 square miles is only a little smaller than West Virgina and is larger than 9 other states.

Inyo, California's second largest county covers 10,227 square miles, making it larger than 6 states.

And there are 4 other counties larger than Connecticut, Delaware and Rhode Island.





Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #94 on: February 04, 2012, 08:55:47 AM »
TODAY'S OFFERING:



There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,with the hope that at

least one of the puns would make them laugh.









No pun in ten did.




Aint you glad you are on my forward list now .........cj.....
God bless our troops
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

PancakeBill

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #95 on: February 07, 2012, 09:09:51 AM »




A while ago a new supermarket opened in Surprise AZ...

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
 
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
 
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
 
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
 


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.




Bill & Jolene W & Koda

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tstumpf

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #96 on: February 07, 2012, 03:13:39 PM »
That is so funny! I quit shopping there when I was insulted everytime I grabbed a gallon of milk!  :o

-Roni

llib enad

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #97 on: February 08, 2012, 08:37:28 AM »
A little boy ask his mother where he came from..  She told him God sent him down from heaven..  He then ask his father the same question---- father tells him the theory of evolution.   Boy tells mother that father said he came from monkeys.  Mother explained------I told you where my side of the family came from and your father told you where his side of the family came from.

Bill Dane     99  CC  Allure

Icemaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #98 on: February 08, 2012, 08:55:40 AM »
My cousin Earl was almost deaf and he finally broke down and bought a hearing aid.  He was so happy and he came by my house to brag on his new ability to hear everything....

''I got this new hearing aid and I can hear everything now.  I can hear a Ford rust on a rainy nite.
''I can hear a gnat grit its teeth at 20 feet now''........''Man, I can now hear everything''
I was very proud of him and I asked
 ''What kind is it Earl?''
""ITS A QUARTER AFTER FOUR""..........
''Whats that got to do with my new hearing aid?''

Hug a Vet............. TWICE.......

That hit pretty close to home... ;) as I'm an owner of a pair.. :-X ...and answer that same question often as it was stated ??? ..I have found out I like the silence more often than people around me do... :P and think it is OK to laugh at myself.. ::)
George


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Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #99 on: February 08, 2012, 09:29:52 AM »
That hit pretty close to home... ;) as I'm an owner of a pair.. :-X ...and answer that same question often as it was stated ??? ..I have found out I like the silence more often than people around me do... :P and think it is OK to laugh at myself.. ::)
Eh?  (my new ones are still on the dresser)
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
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Just Lou

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #100 on: February 08, 2012, 10:34:35 AM »
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
 
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
 
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.
 
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
 
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over to his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
 
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
 
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
 
Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'
 
Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'
'97 Bounder 34V (F53 w/tag), '99 Honda Accord EX

seabreeze331

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #101 on: February 08, 2012, 04:47:34 PM »
Doris and I were sitting in the swing last evening. She had her second glass of wine, me of course having none.
I hear her say " I love you sooo much, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life".
Being totally shocked I asked was that you talking or the wine?
Her reply, "Oh that was me talking.......................to the wine"  :'(
Durwood  (Dt)
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Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #102 on: February 09, 2012, 08:08:13 AM »
 I went to a seafood disco last week............... and pulled a mussel.
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #103 on: February 10, 2012, 02:50:39 PM »
your pun for the day.........

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.




He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"







The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

papachaz

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #104 on: March 01, 2012, 02:33:45 PM »
DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry to country, sitting in rooms with spiesand world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had amess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the yard.'
Chaz (DH) Jill (DW)
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Mister880

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Post a joke 2
« Reply #105 on: March 04, 2012, 10:26:00 AM »
The Best Way To Sell Bibles
By - Stan Montgomery

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While Checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.  Jack, Paul and Louie  all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.  He sent the three men away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.  The following Sunday, the pastor asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door bible sales.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'  'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'  Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.' - The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional Salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, -  'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.  The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. - 'Louie, there's $3200 in here!  Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' - Louie just nodded.  'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we have.' - 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! Agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged.  'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?  - They still are!
I will add text here later.

jje1960

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  • Jim
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #106 on: March 04, 2012, 10:44:08 AM »
DOG FOR SALE:

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the yard.'
I laughed hard at this one..... Just did the cut n' paste, it's going on my office door at work for tomorrow!
Jim
2011 Ford F350 DRW 6.7 Diesel
2011 Cougar SRX

Alaskansnowbirds

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #107 on: March 05, 2012, 03:14:59 PM »
The Arrogance of Authority

     
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
« Last Edit: March 05, 2012, 03:21:19 PM by Alaskansnowbirds »
Don & Peg
Alaska/Arizona
Currently located here.
Weather at Camp Verde, AZ.

Alaskansnowbirds

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #108 on: March 05, 2012, 03:34:46 PM »
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.  "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
 
 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Don & Peg
Alaska/Arizona
Currently located here.
Weather at Camp Verde, AZ.

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #109 on: March 08, 2012, 08:45:04 AM »
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.


He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Giles

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #110 on: March 09, 2012, 07:58:40 AM »
Sam and Joe are playing golf.
A funeral procession comes by; Joe immediately remove his cap, holds it to his heart, and bows his head.
Surprised, Sam says: I have never seen you being so compassionate, what is it with you ?
Joe answers: I knew this woman very well, if she had lived one more day, we would have been married  40 years.

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #111 on: March 10, 2012, 12:19:22 PM »
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER


You're not going to check my trunk are you?

Hey, you musta been going at least 125 mph to keep up with me, good job!

I thought you had to be in reasonably good shape to be a cop.

Do I know why you pulled me over?  Why, don't you?

I was going to be a cop, but decided to finish high school.
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

CarlGeo

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #112 on: March 10, 2012, 01:08:04 PM »
NOW, that is funny!

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.


He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #113 on: March 12, 2012, 09:02:33 AM »
from the ''Ah,,,,,,  Pshaw'' department by CJ....

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun!  What is a golf gun?'




'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

judway

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #114 on: March 12, 2012, 09:48:22 AM »
Third grade joke!


Did you hear about the two caterpillars crawling through the woods?


One stopped and the other crawled on.
Wayne
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Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #115 on: March 13, 2012, 06:06:27 PM »
Never mind ....cj....
« Last Edit: March 13, 2012, 06:25:41 PM by Seajay »
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #116 on: March 17, 2012, 12:23:59 PM »
Senior Texting Codes:


ATD            At the Doctor's
BFF            Best Friend's Funeral
BTW           Bring the Wheelchair
CBM           Covered by Medicare
CUATSC     See You at the Senior Center
FWIW        Forgot Where I Was
IMHO         Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO         Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL            Living on Lipitor
LWO          Lawrence Welk's On
ROFL...CGU  Rolling on Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up!
WAITT       Who Am I Talking To?
WWNO      Walker Wheels Need Oil 
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

Alaskansnowbirds

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #117 on: March 18, 2012, 01:12:06 AM »
That is funny Daisy! The only problem is I can use a lot of them.
Don & Peg
Alaska/Arizona
Currently located here.
Weather at Camp Verde, AZ.

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #118 on: March 18, 2012, 12:28:19 PM »
Me too Don, that's why I posted them.  Figured I was not alone in this catagory.   Problem is, if I'd sent these to my grandchildren, they wouldn't get it.....   ;)

Daisy
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #119 on: March 18, 2012, 12:35:04 PM »
Husband to Wife:

You know, back when I was 24, I was living in a cheap house, driving an old car, sleeping on a sofa bed, watching a 10 inch black and white TV, sleeping with a 22 year old.

Now I have a beautiful house, an expensive car, watching a 42 inch color TV and sleeping with a 72 year old woman.  You don't seem to be keeping up with your side of the bargain.

Wife Retorts: 

Go and find yourself a 22-year-old and I can fix it so you will soon be living in a cheap house and driving an old cheap car again!!
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

 

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