Post a joke

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over to his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'

Doris and I were sitting in the swing last evening. She had her second glass of wine, me of course having none.
I hear her say " I love you sooo much, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life".
Being totally shocked I asked was that you talking or the wine?
Her reply, "Oh that was me talking.......................to the wine"  :'(

I went to a seafood disco last week............... and pulled a mussel.

your pun for the day.........

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.




He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"







The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry to country, sitting in rooms with spiesand world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had amess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the yard.'

The Best Way To Sell Bibles
By - Stan Montgomery

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While Checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.  Jack, Paul and Louie  all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.  He sent the three men away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.  The following Sunday, the pastor asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door bible sales.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'  'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'  Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.' - The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional Salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, -  'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.  The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. - 'Louie, there's $3200 in here!  Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' - Louie just nodded.  'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we have.' - 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! Agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged.  'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?  - They still are!

papachaz said:

DOG FOR SALE:

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the yard.'

Click to expand...

I laughed hard at this one..... Just did the cut n' paste, it's going on my office door at work for tomorrow!

The Arrogance of Authority

     
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.  "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.


He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.



Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."



The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.



After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Sam and Joe are playing golf.
A funeral procession comes by; Joe immediately remove his cap, holds it to his heart, and bows his head.
Surprised, Sam says: I have never seen you being so compassionate, what is it with you ?
Joe answers: I knew this woman very well, if she had lived one more day, we would have been married  40 years.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER


You're not going to check my trunk are you?

Hey, you musta been going at least 125 mph to keep up with me, good job!

I thought you had to be in reasonably good shape to be a cop.

Do I know why you pulled me over?  Why, don't you?

I was going to be a cop, but decided to finish high school.

NOW, that is funny!

Seajay said:

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.


He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.



Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."



The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.



After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Click to expand...

from the ''Ah,,,,,,  Pshaw'' department by CJ....

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun!  What is a golf gun?'




'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Third grade joke!


Did you hear about the two caterpillars crawling through the woods?


One stopped and the other crawled on.

Never mind ....cj....

Senior Texting Codes:


ATD            At the Doctor's
BFF            Best Friend's Funeral
BTW          Bring the Wheelchair
CBM          Covered by Medicare
CUATSC    See You at the Senior Center
FWIW        Forgot Where I Was
IMHO        Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO        Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL            Living on Lipitor
LWO          Lawrence Welk's On
ROFL...CGU  Rolling on Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up!
WAITT      Who Am I Talking To?
WWNO      Walker Wheels Need Oil 

That is funny Daisy! The only problem is I can use a lot of them.

Me too Don, that's why I posted them.  Figured I was not alone in this catagory.  Problem is, if I'd sent these to my grandchildren, they wouldn't get it..... 

Daisy

Husband to Wife:

You know, back when I was 24, I was living in a cheap house, driving an old car, sleeping on a sofa bed, watching a 10 inch black and white TV, sleeping with a 22 year old.

Now I have a beautiful house, an expensive car, watching a 42 inch color TV and sleeping with a 72 year old woman.  You don't seem to be keeping up with your side of the bargain.

Wife Retorts: 

Go and find yourself a 22-year-old and I can fix it so you will soon be living in a cheap house and driving an old cheap car again!!