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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 172586 times)

jje1960

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  • Jim
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #120 on: March 18, 2012, 12:36:48 PM »
Senior Texting Codes:


ATD            At the Doctor's
BFF            Best Friend's Funeral
BTW           Bring the Wheelchair
CBM           Covered by Medicare
CUATSC     See You at the Senior Center
FWIW        Forgot Where I Was
IMHO         Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO         Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL            Living on Lipitor
LWO          Lawrence Welk's On
ROFL...CGU  Rolling on Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up!
WAITT       Who Am I Talking To?
WWNO      Walker Wheels Need Oil

This was awesome, I'm LOL.... both laughing and living on Lipitor (or the generic equivalent...)
Jim
2011 Ford F350 DRW 6.7 Diesel
2011 Cougar SRX

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #121 on: March 18, 2012, 04:22:48 PM »
Glad you liked it JJE.  Here's another

6 Good Things About Getting Old

1.  Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

2.  If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

3.  The stuff you buy today, won't wear out.

4.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5.  In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released.

6.  Your brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.   [I really resemble this one  ;D]
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

jje1960

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  • Jim
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #122 on: March 19, 2012, 04:04:02 PM »
Love No. 5... Something to look forward to!

5.  In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released.
Jim
2011 Ford F350 DRW 6.7 Diesel
2011 Cougar SRX

carson

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  • memories of yore
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #123 on: March 20, 2012, 02:34:29 PM »
Is this a funny joke....or not?  Your opinion, please. I found it to be funny  not-so-funny myself.

  Went to a convenience/Gas station store today. Made a small purchase. The cashier was a bright looking young  guy, college age...may 20+ years old.

  I gave him a twenty plus the correct change. My change back was a 5 dollar bill. 

He said: here's $5 in change.
I said: Yea, that sounds right. I calculated that on my Abacus.
He said: I am surprised that you know what an Abacus is.. small grin.
I said. Well actually I used my slide rule.    Silence
I said: Do you know what a slide rule is?
He said: NO

I then proceeded to give him a one sentence tutorial of a slide-rule, re Engineers tool before calculators, move various pieces of the rule back and forth and read the answer with great accuracy. His eyes lit up.

  I advised him to get on his computer and google it. He said he most certainly would.
He said: Thank you.   End of story.

I hope I saved one soul, a product of the new generation educated in today's schools. Maybe he should have taken an History class...

Carson FL  87.3
« Last Edit: March 20, 2012, 02:36:31 PM by carson »
Carson, 
 West Central Florida
Ex RV'er. (1995 Winnebago Adventurer)
2007 Buick Rendezvous, SUV / CROSSOVER

...Logic works like a charm...

catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #124 on: March 20, 2012, 03:40:18 PM »
If I remember right an abacus is discussed in today's computer classes but a slide rule is not mentioned. I draw this from my daughters classes. I know that in my high school class the quickest way to be pinned as a nerd was to pull out a slide rule....been there..I was traumatized to the point I have never used one since.
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #125 on: March 20, 2012, 04:43:10 PM »
I kept mine in my pocket protector.

Jim
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

Rancher Will

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #126 on: March 23, 2012, 10:29:52 AM »
Now you all have me feeling crotchety. I still use my Mannheim Slide Rule, that I purchased when in college in 1954. It is quicker and more convenient than a calculator for many agricultural calculations and applications. Yes I have a calculator too and I use it for some things too.

I still use my original slide rule. My calculators seem to only last a year or two and have to be replaced or I lose them.

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #127 on: March 23, 2012, 05:17:11 PM »
My slide rule was a E6B.

Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

Olys45

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #128 on: March 23, 2012, 11:56:07 PM »
That is not saying much. In California we have pot farms bigger than Rhode Island.

Heck I cover the area of three states in my job as the Veteran Services Officer for the State of Montana.

My area is about 500 square miles less than Maryland, Vermont and New Hampshire.

Oly
God created Aircraft Maintainers so that Pilots could have Hero's too!

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #129 on: March 31, 2012, 01:02:19 PM »
This from our English cousins...

After a busy day at work, an English fellow who had just boarded the train at Waterloo, settled down for a nap as far as his destination, Winchester.

But the chp sitting near him hauled out his mobile phone and started up:  "Hi darling, it's Peter.  I'm on the train...Yes, I know it's the 6:30 not the 4:30, but had a long meeting"

And it continued, "...No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss ... No darling, you're the only one in my life... Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

This conversation was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance yelled at the top of her voice,   "Hey, Peter, turn off that bloody phone and come back to bed!"



Beware, all you who insist on long conversations on your cell phones in my presence, I WILL GET EVEN!!!!!
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

Just Lou

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #130 on: March 31, 2012, 01:58:59 PM »
Daisy, you are a Gem.........
'97 Bounder 34V (F53 w/tag), '99 Honda Accord EX

RoyM

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #131 on: March 31, 2012, 03:11:52 PM »
A drunk staggered into the bar and asked for a beer. The attractive young bartender said 'Sorry, I think you have had enough." "Aw c'mon" "Sorry, no beer but you can have a coffee." The drunk left and a short time later rolled in the side door. "The girl, annoyed, told him "I have already told I am not serving you now OUT!!!" He mumbled a profanity under his breath and left. An hour later he fell through the back door and she came right unhinged. "No, no, no. Jesh tell me one shing. You work in every bar in town?"
« Last Edit: April 01, 2012, 12:25:41 PM by RoyM »
Ram 2500 diesel
Prowler fifth wheel
Urge to travel

Ray D

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  • Jasper
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #132 on: April 01, 2012, 11:10:00 AM »
Money can't buy happiness.
 
Money can buy beer.
 
That's close enough.  ;D
Boise, Idaho. U.S.A.F. Vet. Damon Challenger, Workhorse/Vortec, 2005 towing a Suzuki XL-7, 2003.

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #133 on: April 07, 2012, 01:20:07 PM »
A woman brought her pet duck to the pet hospital.  Very upset, she wanted to know if it were dead.  After examining the duck the doctor assured her, "your duck is dead."   

"You didn't even take a test!  Maybe it's in a coma."

"If you insist," the doctor told her.  A black Labrador walked into the room, sniffed the duck and shook his head as he walked out.  Next, a big white cat jumped up on the table and sniffed the duck end to end.  He meowed, jumped off the table and sadly left.

The doctor then walked to the printer and grabbed a paper. 

"$150.00 to tell me the duck is dead?!!"

"Well, if it weren't for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, the bill would have been $20.00."
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

Tom and Margi

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #134 on: April 07, 2012, 01:55:05 PM »
Good one, Daisy!
 
Margi

jje1960

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  • Jim
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #135 on: April 07, 2012, 02:22:03 PM »
Hee eheh eeh e very good !
Jim
2011 Ford F350 DRW 6.7 Diesel
2011 Cougar SRX

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #136 on: April 08, 2012, 06:56:54 PM »

A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 among them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.
 
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the  Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover, and there were lots of cute girls.
 
Ten years later, at 35, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
 
Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
 
Ten years later, at 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.   
 
Ten years later, at 65, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
 
Ten years later, at 75, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
 
Ten years later, at 85, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.................................CJ.....................
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #137 on: April 09, 2012, 12:10:31 PM »
Safe Sex . . .  8)
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
Current Location
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snix

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #138 on: April 16, 2012, 07:28:32 AM »
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #139 on: April 16, 2012, 09:53:45 AM »
Saw this on Face Book today and it made me smile.
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #140 on: April 18, 2012, 10:02:08 AM »
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

Seajay

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #141 on: April 18, 2012, 10:06:19 AM »
COLD WINTER

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."                                                         

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."                                                         

Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed up now."
Second generation U.S. Navy
Seajay the sailor man
God bless our troops and bring them home safe
God bless our veterans.... All gave some.. Some gave all that we might be free.....

BernieD

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    • PressurePro
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #142 on: April 18, 2012, 10:54:48 AM »
Seajay

You forgot A&P merging with Stop & Shop -> Stop & P
Bernie & Marlene Dobrin
Home is Goodyear, AZ
Missing our Travel Supreme

BobNSam

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #143 on: April 18, 2012, 10:59:03 PM »
Seajay

You forgot A&P merging with Stop & Shop -> Stop & P

Seajay, your joke strikes too close to home for many older RVers.
Bob
2017 Newmar Ventana LE
2010 Chevy Equinox LTZ
Road master tow stuff
DirecTV with Genie/Trav'ler Antenna
2+2 USAF Retired (2IDGITS)

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #144 on: May 03, 2012, 10:52:33 AM »
A fellow from the city went duck hunting - and shot one that first landed on a barn, then fell into the fenced yard behind the property home. So he knocked on the door and asked if he could retrieve his duck.

The farmer told him that if a duck landed on his property, it was "his" duck, not the shooters duck. That's the way we decide such things in the country. The shooter protested again explaining how "he" shot the duck so no matter where it landed - it still belonged to him.

After going back and forth for awhile, the farmer suggested they settled it the way "farmers" settle such disputes. The shooter asked what that was. The farmer explained that we take turns kicking each other in the groin until one or the other gives up. The other then wins and and in this case keeps the duck. The shooter thought a bit and as he was obviously quite a bit bigger than the farmer agreed. The farmer explained that it was his property so the rule was that he go first - to which the shooter agreed.

So -- they face off and after the shooter takes a deep breath and indicates he is ready, the farmer kicks him in the groin very very hard. The shooter collapses in pain, rolls around on the ground crutching his groin. His face turns beet red in agony - tears filled his eyes as he tried to catch his breathe once again. It was at least 5 minutes before he could struggle back to his feet.

Once he was able to stand again and able to talk, he said to the farmer with the sound of vengeance in his voice, "Well, I guess it's my turn now"



The farmer replied, "No, that's alright -- you can keep the duck" . . .
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
Current Location
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Ray D

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  • Jasper
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #145 on: May 15, 2012, 10:43:32 PM »

The economics of Washington. The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.
 
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?   ??? ::)
Boise, Idaho. U.S.A.F. Vet. Damon Challenger, Workhorse/Vortec, 2005 towing a Suzuki XL-7, 2003.

Molaker

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    • Pumpkin and Us
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #146 on: May 15, 2012, 10:47:36 PM »
The economics of Washington. The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.
 
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?   ??? ::)
Could be this is what happens when you introduce your too austere program. :)
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

PancakeBill

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  • Bill & Jolene/USA 97 Southwind 35P
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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #147 on: May 26, 2012, 07:26:19 AM »


Options




 
I got bored while drinking beer at home......so I went down to the local Pub where I noticed two large women by the bar.
 
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
 
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
 
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
 
That's the last thing I remember...
Bill & Jolene W & Koda

Old Faithful, Yellowstone Association Bookstore
1997 Southwind 35P
Toads: 1997 Honda Accord & 1986 Westfalia
FMCA F-401354
1995 OMI Dobro F-60
WA1RI

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #148 on: May 26, 2012, 02:19:17 PM »
A woman returned from church and surprised an intruder robbing her home.  She yelled Acts 2:38, which means "Repent and be Baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven!

The burglar stopped in his tracks, and surrendered.  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer was cuffing the burglar, he asked him, "Why did you just tstand there when all the lady did was yell a Scripture at you?"

"Scripture?!"  replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and Two 38's!!"
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #149 on: May 26, 2012, 02:23:31 PM »
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery.  He insisted his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

He told him, "Don't be nervous son, just do our best.  If something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

 

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