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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 172880 times)

Happy Prospector

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #150 on: August 13, 2012, 06:44:27 PM »
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.


They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
Kevin, Lifetime NRA Member
Retired, Fulltime RV'er
1999.5 F350 4X4 CC Diesel Flatbed
2007 Alpenlite Defender Toyhauler
920 Watt of Solar
2007 Yamaha Grizzly 700
Bob, The Yorkie Terrier, Helping me
prospect for gold till the money runs out

Alaskansnowbirds

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #151 on: August 21, 2012, 03:12:13 PM »
Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.

Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.

Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

"Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
Don & Peg
Alaska/Arizona
Currently located here.
Weather at Camp Verde, AZ.

Icemaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #152 on: August 29, 2012, 04:23:25 PM »
I see Walmart so often mentioned I had to pass this on

At Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it from someone else. Share and make someone else smile today..

George
George


94 Dolphin DP
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Jdillard

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #153 on: August 29, 2012, 11:56:52 PM »
My husband said the spark had gone out of our relationship.  So, I tasered him!!!!  I plan to ask him again when he gets up!!!  :))
Eat dessert first for life is short!!!

rogerskevin67

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Low self-esteem
« Reply #154 on: September 18, 2012, 07:51:49 AM »

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Mr Bojangles

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #155 on: September 18, 2012, 03:19:11 PM »
A horse goes into a bar and stands at the bar...
The BAR tender asks:
"Why the long face?"

Henny Youngman??
SAFBVET    Jim O
28 trips out.... 88,000 Miles -S  to Key West, SW to Gulf...w to Texas, NW Oregon, across Canada.

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #156 on: October 08, 2012, 01:39:17 PM »
The local politician was campaigning and went to the Indian reservation to rustle up some votes. When he was with the land agent and the local Chief he told the gathering that if he was elected he would build more schools the people yelled out Heemawaka!  He would build a hospital. The people exclaimed Heemawaka!  More jobs Heemawaka!!!!!!

When the rally was over, the chief took the politician on a tour of the reservation.  As they walked through the fields the chief showed off his prize bull; he told the politician to be careful and not step in any Heemawaka!

Jim
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #157 on: October 08, 2012, 03:22:59 PM »
Three friends found themselves ship wrecked on a desert island -- no info on how the got there.

One evening they found a bottle washed ashore - so they popped the cork and a genie emerged - that told them they could make one, and only one wish each. So advised to be very careful with their wish.

The 1st friend thought hard - and wished he was back with his family. Immediately, he was gone and back with his family.

The 2nd friend listened and made the same wish, to be back with his wife and children. And immediately, he too was gone and back with his family.

The final and now lone friend was single and having a tough time making up his mind - especially knowing he only had one wish. After much frustration and not able to come up with a wish, he said to the genie,

I sure wish my friends were here to help me . . .
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
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Luca1369

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #158 on: October 08, 2012, 05:21:23 PM »
Four SEC football fans met atop Stone Mountain just outside Atlanta.  One was from LSU, one was from the University of Alabama, one was from the University of Florida, and one was from the University of Georgia.

After a few cocktails and much hoorah concerning their teams, the LSU fan jumps up and screams "This is for my Tigers" and jumps off the mountain.  The Alabama fan then rises and screams "Roll Tide" and jumps off the mountain.  The Georgia Bulldow fan jumps up and yells "Go Dawgs!" and throws the Florida fan off the mountain.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2012, 05:23:41 PM by Luca1369 »
Steve
1990 Fleetwood Southwind 36'
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For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.
I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.
Robert Louis Stevenson

A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
Lao Tsu (570-490 BC)

loddy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #159 on: October 08, 2012, 08:07:07 PM »
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD


AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"



He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."



George said, "Okay.."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30.



Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
   

Gord Nelson

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #160 on: October 08, 2012, 08:55:31 PM »
Bank robber walks into this bank, mask over his face...approaches the teller and says "this is a stickup", in his loudest and most frightening voice. "Stuff all the cash in this bag".  He hands the bag to the teller who dutifully complies.

Robber turns and walks out, but just as he is approaching the door, the Security Guard lunges at him and tears off his mask.  Robber recovers and says "You saw my face.  I gotta' shoot ya."  Whereupon he dispatches the Security Guard with his .45 cal.  He then turns around and sees the teller looking at him. "Hey, you saw my face too.  I have to shoot you", and he did.

By this time all the other people in the Bank were looking down at the floor and being very quiet. (Obviously, nobody there was 'one brick short of a load!)

So, the Robber says, "Any of the rest of you see my face?" 

An old Farmer standing near the front of the crowd carefully raises his hand.

"Did you see my face, you old coot?"

"No sir", he said, "but I think my wife got a pretty good look at you".

(With profound apologies to all the wives, whom we all love dearly, I'm sure.  I know I do...and I told her so, before I told her the joke!!!)

Kamper Dave

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #161 on: October 29, 2012, 01:30:28 PM »
I heard these while working this summer:

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you have been in it for awhile it’s not so hot.
OR
My first wife was a “Test Pilot”…………… at a broom factory.
Crossroads Cruiser CF31RE10
2012 RAM 3500 ST

loddy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #162 on: October 30, 2012, 07:16:10 PM »
Hi.

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." Laughing Laughing Laughing


loddy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #163 on: October 30, 2012, 07:19:44 PM »
Spin Doctors at work

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY!

Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!

loddy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #164 on: October 30, 2012, 07:31:05 PM »
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
He found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
The cart and poured it over the little guy,
Reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
Answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize..'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
The three things I would want... A great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
The woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now..'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
All right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.. I did that fer yer
Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
Situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
And pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
And says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job..
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish.
   

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #165 on: October 30, 2012, 07:34:49 PM »
Why do I believe that (The political spin story)  is not a joke but a fact :)?

Oh well, you got to know folks the best jokes are true stories,, I mean absolutly true stories.

Man calls 9-1-1 (No,  If you don't believe me perhaps I should tell you I'm the one who answered that call).  He's telling me about the car in front of him swerving all over the road, clearly he's drunk (I notice the caller is a bit slurred)  Troopers are dispatched,

The "Reported" Driver was going straight down the road.. The caller,, Went strait to jail.. What charge.. Well you see that car in front of him did appear to be weaving from where he sat.. Weaving his drunken way down the road.

Got logged as a good call. The man reported a drunken driver, We arrested a drunken driver...   Could be worse....

Car pulles in to a State Police parking lot, parks in the NO PARKING zone, the couple get out, arguing, and the man who was driving (Observed to be driving by the desk Sgt.) comes in and loudly demands a breath-a-lizer test.. Seems his wife claimed he was too drunk to drive,  He disagreed..

He was

So was she

But she got to go home in a yellow cab
He went to his hotel room in a blue one... And that hotel, they don't give you the key.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Jim Godward

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #166 on: October 30, 2012, 08:10:57 PM »
This was sent to me by a pilot friend who knows that I worked with NASA and was in many meetings with the astronauts.  I can't claim to be a pilot as I never soloed!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people have come to the conclusion that these are characteristics of fighter pilots:

They are cold, steely-eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things; however, they can also be very charming and personable.

The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.

These feelings generally just don't involve anyone else.
Jim
Jim & Pat Godward
AC7PO & KD7ZDM
Hillsboro, Oregon

therealsimpsons

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #167 on: November 01, 2012, 12:10:24 PM »
I can't claim to be a pilot as I never soloed.

I've never soloed either but I recall Sven and Ole going to the unemployment office. When Ole was asked what skills he had for a potential employer, he answered. "I'm a pilot". The clerk allowed that it would be difficult finding a job for someone like Ole and his skills. When it was Sven's turn he said "the only job he'd ever had was chopping wood." The clerk told him there were plenty of jobs chopping wood. Sven asked if Ole could work with him. "Why no", said the clerk, "Ole is much to important!" "Ha!" Retorted Sven. "Alvays, as soon ust I finish da chopping, den Ole pile it"!!
05 Beaver Monterey Laguna IV
400 HP C9 Cat
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Chet18013

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #168 on: November 01, 2012, 04:01:51 PM »
An  80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor                                  was  amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked 'How do you stay in  such great physical condition?'
   
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,'  said the old fellow 'and that is why I am in such good shape.  I am up well  before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a wee nip  of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'
   
'Well,' said the doctor 'I  am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.  How old was your Dad  when he died?'
   
'Who said my Dad died?'
   
The doctor was  amazed.  'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive.   How old is he?'
   
‘He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish  golfer.  'In fact he golfed wi me this mornin', and then we went to the beach for a walk and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still  alive.  He is a Scot and he is a golfer,                                  too.'
   
'Well,' the  doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.   How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?'
   
'Who  said my Grandad died?'
   
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are  80 years old and your grandfather is still living!  Incredible, how old is  he?'
   
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish  golfer.
   
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point.  'So,  I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
   
'No. Grandad  couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
   
At  this point the doctor was close to losing it.  'Getting married!!  Why  would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
   
'Who said he  wanted to?'
Chet18013
Full time in a 45' '04 Monaco Signature
towing a 2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee diesel

wstuart

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #169 on: November 04, 2012, 08:29:41 PM »
Best birthday present
 
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday,” Little Johnny said to his Grandfather. “It’s the best present I ever got.”

 “That’s great,” said his Grandfather, “do you know how to play it?”

 “Oh, I don’t play it,” Little Johnny said.

 “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.”
Maryann & Wayne
Nanaimo BC
Challenger 37 GT
Honda CRV toad Blue Ox tow bar

newfurrows

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  • Dan Nelson
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #170 on: November 12, 2012, 04:35:16 PM »
So; It seems that he british army is in Ireland (go figure).  For some reason or another,armies ”take hills".  Anyway there was a hill with a problem: There was an Irishman on top of the Hill shouting insults at the British. 

The British commander decided to do something about the problem.  He detailed two (2) men to "get that guy and take that hill

They simply do not come back.  The Irishman is back on the hill as before.

The British commander, hoping for success, sent a dozen soldiers.  "Get that guy; take that hill".

As with the two earlier;  the dozen soldiers do not return.

With understandable consternation the British commander sends one hundred men to; well, you know.

Three days later one (1) lone British soldier returns on his hands and knees; unable to walk.  Before collapsing dead, face first into the Irish soil he croaks: "It's a trick; their's two of them"

Dan Nelson (I know it's political; We're like that up here.)

                                                           
Happy Motoring
Dan Nelson with Tibby the tan colored dog
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
1979 Vanguard "SECURITY"
Dan.nelson@rogers.blackberry.net
780-966-4410

Tom

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #171 on: November 12, 2012, 10:12:06 PM »
That's, at best, a fairy tale  ;)
Tom.  Need help? Click the Help button in the toolbar above.

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #172 on: November 13, 2012, 09:21:06 AM »
That's, at best, a fairy tale  ;)
Who is the fairy? :D
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

newfurrows

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  • Dan Nelson
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #173 on: November 15, 2012, 05:56:45 PM »
Tom,

Denial is a powerful thing.  Got that one from a Brit.  Must be true.

Dan
Happy Motoring
Dan Nelson with Tibby the tan colored dog
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
1979 Vanguard "SECURITY"
Dan.nelson@rogers.blackberry.net
780-966-4410

Tom

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #174 on: November 16, 2012, 01:34:10 AM »
Dan,

I never heard that in the 32 years we lived in the UK or the subsequent 32 years we visited. I must be in denial   ;D
Tom.  Need help? Click the Help button in the toolbar above.

Molaker

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #175 on: November 16, 2012, 08:39:02 AM »
Dan,

I never heard that in the 32 years we lived in the UK or the subsequent 32 years we visited. I must be in denial   ;D
Maybe that's because it was said about "Eastern Europeans" instead of Brits & Irish.  At least it was told that way in my youth.
Tom & Joyce and Ditto the "don't tell her she's a dog" Westie
U.S. Navy (Ret)
2014 Winnebago ERA 70X 24' class B Sprinter chassis

Tin man

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #176 on: November 16, 2012, 02:45:49 PM »
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman thought for a minute, then answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
Jim W
AKA TIN MAN
2007 36G Journey SE
2010 Escape Hybrid Blue Ox Air Force 1 Brake

Bob Buchanan

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #177 on: November 18, 2012, 09:22:46 PM »
How do you keep a turkey in suspense . . . . ?


. . . I'll tell you tomorrow.  :)
Bob (fulltimer - Rocklin, CA residency)
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joelmyer

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #178 on: November 19, 2012, 09:03:44 AM »
I loved it Bob!

Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into the bar and asked for a beer and a mop?

Joel
Joel (W4JNM) and Camille, GA

Daisy

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #179 on: November 25, 2012, 12:10:25 PM »
Entering a pharmacy, an elder couple told the clerk behind the counter, "We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medicine, circulation medicine, and medicine for rheumatism?"

"Of course we do, all kinds," the clerk answered.

Well, do you sell suppositories, medicine for memory, heartburn and indigestion?"

"We sure do.  We sell about anything you need."

The elder man continued, "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and adult diapers?"

"Yep!" was the reply.

The two elderly people smiled at each other.  "That's great!   We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry...."
Daisy.  Location:  Sometimes here, Sometimes there.  All depends on the mood of the moment!

 

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