Post a joke

Bank robber walks into this bank, mask over his face...approaches the teller and says "this is a stickup", in his loudest and most frightening voice. "Stuff all the cash in this bag".  He hands the bag to the teller who dutifully complies.

Robber turns and walks out, but just as he is approaching the door, the Security Guard lunges at him and tears off his mask.  Robber recovers and says "You saw my face.  I gotta' shoot ya."  Whereupon he dispatches the Security Guard with his .45 cal.  He then turns around and sees the teller looking at him. "Hey, you saw my face too.  I have to shoot you", and he did.

By this time all the other people in the Bank were looking down at the floor and being very quiet. (Obviously, nobody there was 'one brick short of a load!)

So, the Robber says, "Any of the rest of you see my face?" 

An old Farmer standing near the front of the crowd carefully raises his hand.

"Did you see my face, you old coot?"

"No sir", he said, "but I think my wife got a pretty good look at you".

(With profound apologies to all the wives, whom we all love dearly, I'm sure.  I know I do...and I told her so, before I told her the joke!!!)

I heard these while working this summer:

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you have been in it for awhile it?s not so hot.
OR
My first wife was a ?Test Pilot?????? at a broom factory.

Hi.

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." Laughing Laughing Laughing

Spin Doctors at work

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY!

Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
He found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
The cart and poured it over the little guy,
Reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
Answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize..'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
The three things I would want... A great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
The woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now..'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
All right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.. I did that fer yer
Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
Situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
And pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
And says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job..
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish.

Why do I believe that (The political spin story)  is not a joke but a fact ?

Oh well, you got to know folks the best jokes are true stories,, I mean absolutly true stories.

Man calls 9-1-1 (No,  If you don't believe me perhaps I should tell you I'm the one who answered that call).  He's telling me about the car in front of him swerving all over the road, clearly he's drunk (I notice the caller is a bit slurred)  Troopers are dispatched,

The "Reported" Driver was going straight down the road.. The caller,, Went strait to jail.. What charge.. Well you see that car in front of him did appear to be weaving from where he sat.. Weaving his drunken way down the road.

Got logged as a good call. The man reported a drunken driver, We arrested a drunken driver...  Could be worse....

Car pulles in to a State Police parking lot, parks in the NO PARKING zone, the couple get out, arguing, and the man who was driving (Observed to be driving by the desk Sgt.) comes in and loudly demands a breath-a-lizer test.. Seems his wife claimed he was too drunk to drive,  He disagreed..

He was

So was she

But she got to go home in a yellow cab
He went to his hotel room in a blue one... And that hotel, they don't give you the key.

This was sent to me by a pilot friend who knows that I worked with NASA and was in many meetings with the astronauts.  I can't claim to be a pilot as I never soloed!
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Some people have come to the conclusion that these are characteristics of fighter pilots:

They are cold, steely-eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things; however, they can also be very charming and personable.

The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.

These feelings generally just don't involve anyone else.

Jim Godward said:

I can't claim to be a pilot as I never soloed.

Click to expand...

I've never soloed either but I recall Sven and Ole going to the unemployment office. When Ole was asked what skills he had for a potential employer, he answered. "I'm a pilot". The clerk allowed that it would be difficult finding a job for someone like Ole and his skills. When it was Sven's turn he said "the only job he'd ever had was chopping wood." The clerk told him there were plenty of jobs chopping wood. Sven asked if Ole could work with him. "Why no", said the clerk, "Ole is much to important!" "Ha!" Retorted Sven. "Alvays, as soon ust I finish da chopping, den Ole pile it"!!

An  80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor                                  was  amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked 'How do you stay in  such great physical condition?'
 
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,'  said the old fellow 'and that is why I am in such good shape.  I am up well  before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a wee nip  of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'
 
'Well,' said the doctor 'I  am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.  How old was your Dad  when he died?'
 
'Who said my Dad died?'
 
The doctor was  amazed.  'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive.  How old is he?'
 
?He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish  golfer.  'In fact he golfed wi me this mornin', and then we went to the beach for a walk and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still  alive.  He is a Scot and he is a golfer,                                  too.'
 
'Well,' the  doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.  How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?'
 
'Who  said my Grandad died?'
 
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are  80 years old and your grandfather is still living!  Incredible, how old is  he?'
 
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish  golfer.
 
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point.  'So,  I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
 
'No. Grandad  couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
 
At  this point the doctor was close to losing it.  'Getting married!!  Why  would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
 
'Who said he  wanted to?'

Best birthday present

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday,? Little Johnny said to his Grandfather. ?It?s the best present I ever got.?

?That?s great,? said his Grandfather, ?do you know how to play it??

?Oh, I don?t play it,? Little Johnny said.

?My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.?

So; It seems that he british army is in Ireland (go figure).  For some reason or another,armies ?take hills".  Anyway there was a hill with a problem: There was an Irishman on top of the Hill shouting insults at the British. 

The British commander decided to do something about the problem.  He detailed two (2) men to "get that guy and take that hill

They simply do not come back.  The Irishman is back on the hill as before.

The British commander, hoping for success, sent a dozen soldiers.  "Get that guy; take that hill".

As with the two earlier;  the dozen soldiers do not return.

With understandable consternation the British commander sends one hundred men to; well, you know.

Three days later one (1) lone British soldier returns on his hands and knees; unable to walk.  Before collapsing dead, face first into the Irish soil he croaks: "It's a trick; their's two of them"

Dan Nelson (I know it's political; We're like that up here.)

                                                           

That's, at best, a fairy tale 

Tom said:

That's, at best, a fairy tale 

Click to expand...

Who is the fairy?

Tom,

Denial is a powerful thing.  Got that one from a Brit.  Must be true.

Dan

Dan,

I never heard that in the 32 years we lived in the UK or the subsequent 32 years we visited. I must be in denial  ;D

Tom said:

Dan,

I never heard that in the 32 years we lived in the UK or the subsequent 32 years we visited. I must be in denial  ;D

Click to expand...

Maybe that's because it was said about "Eastern Europeans" instead of Brits & Irish.  At least it was told that way in my youth.

An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson?s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman thought for a minute, then answered, "Definitely Parkinson?s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

How do you keep a turkey in suspense . . . . ?


. . . I'll tell you tomorrow. 

I loved it Bob!

Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into the bar and asked for a beer and a mop?

Joel

Entering a pharmacy, an elder couple told the clerk behind the counter, "We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medicine, circulation medicine, and medicine for rheumatism?"

"Of course we do, all kinds," the clerk answered.

Well, do you sell suppositories, medicine for memory, heartburn and indigestion?"

"We sure do.  We sell about anything you need."

The elder man continued, "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and adult diapers?"

"Yep!" was the reply.

The two elderly people smiled at each other.  "That's great!  We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry...."