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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 188927 times)

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #690 on: August 14, 2017, 08:07:52 PM »
TO ALL THE KIDS 
WHO SURVIVED the 
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! 
 
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. 
 
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. 
 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. 
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. 
 
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. 
 
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 
 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and 
 
NO ONE actually died from this. 
 
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . 
 
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING ! 
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 
 
No one was able to reach us all day. 
 
And we were O.K. 
 
 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no sur round-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms...... 
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 8 months

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #691 on: August 15, 2017, 08:18:56 AM »
I know this is Post a joke but I'm going to get a bit serious for just a post.. You mentioned. "WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING ! "

Study after Study has shown this is good for your eventual long term health.  Being outside, exposed to DIRT and GERMS builds a strong immune system and means many conditions that later in life could be major problems... Will be at worst MINOR problems.   have seen this in my own life as well.. I grew up on a dairy farm.. not only exposed to dirt and germs and animals but.. Well I've shoveled Political promises by the ton (OK so i had to put SOME Humor in the thread.. but you know.. Listening to Politicians I often get Deja Moo, The feeling I've smelled this azroma before)

The result is later in life I've been fairly healty. Only a couple of serious "infectious" issues and well those both had external causes (insect bite, toxic, and Pneumonia, Stress) both Recovered..  (I(T's been 30 years since Pneumonia, no recurrence).
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Roy M

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #692 on: August 15, 2017, 10:56:38 AM »
" Listening to Politicians I often get Deja Moo, The feeling I've smelled this azroma before)"  ;D I like that one.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #693 on: August 17, 2017, 01:09:24 PM »
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.

The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.

No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #694 on: August 17, 2017, 06:00:46 PM »
Saw that one coming I did but I've seen it before, thanks for the laugh it's always funny.

True story:  The pastor at my Home Parish.... Reti4red from the Air Force.

True story #2.. Ever wonder what happens to a Rock And Roller when they DO not burn their brains out with Drugs and booze and Loose living.

The first Drummer for the Ventures.... IS an Air Force General.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #695 on: August 17, 2017, 09:37:06 PM »
The Bread Danger 8)

A recent newspaper headline read, “Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.”

The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.

When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I’ve done a little research, and what I’ve discovered should make anyone think twice...

THE FINDINGS

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS

Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions

No sale of bread to minors.

No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

REMEMBER: “Think globally, act idiotically.” 8)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

kdbgoat

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #696 on: August 18, 2017, 05:59:11 AM »
 :))Good stuff there Tom! :))
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #697 on: August 18, 2017, 07:55:17 AM »
and about bread, everyone that ate bread 150 years ago has died !
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #698 on: August 18, 2017, 09:12:04 AM »
People often ask How I can remember all I remember (I will tie this in with the above)  Well the answer is simple.. I'm a coffee-holic

You see Coffee (Study after study) has been shown to ENHANCE memory
Alcohol.. as you wel know.... Eats your brain
(Some drink (Coffee) to remember, Some drink (Alcohol) to forget)

Well the "Aroma" of baking bread..... Alcohol

Yup. the recipe for Wiskey and Bread.. Basically the same.. Only in one you condense the "Aroma" into a bottle and in the other you keep the "By product"  (Oh there are some differences.. I mean the mash they use to make wiskey does not make good bread,, buit if you collect the aroma of bread and condense it.. Not sure how good that would be).

Fact.. Funny, but fact.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #699 on: August 19, 2017, 04:55:12 PM »
Food For Thought:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to get your parent’s permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote who runs the government, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy leaders in Egypt, you live in a country run by idiots.

If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat, you live in a country run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman can be strip-searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched, you live in a country run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more, you live in a country run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is cute, but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable, you live in a country run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but cannot find work, you live in a country run by idiots.

If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more safe according to the government, you live in a country run by idiots.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #700 on: August 19, 2017, 05:44:45 PM »
Well. I DO agree we have a country run by idiots.. No question there. IN some respects it has been for. Well. Longer than I've been alive.

But one thing YOU CAN get arrested for entering the country illegally. Many have been, arrested and deported usually.

And now days you can get arrested for entering the country 100% legally.. Even if you are the CHIEF OF POLICE in say Greenville South Carolina.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

kdbgoat

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #701 on: August 19, 2017, 06:05:11 PM »
Food For Thought:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to get your parent’s permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote who runs the government, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy leaders in Egypt, you live in a country run by idiots.

If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat, you live in a country run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman can be strip-searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched, you live in a country run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more, you live in a country run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is cute, but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable, you live in a country run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but cannot find work, you live in a country run by idiots.
 
If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more safe according to the government, you live in a country run by idiots.

 :))
I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
But I am not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant


2016 Leprechaun 319DS

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #702 on: August 20, 2017, 04:43:32 PM »
Cynical Philosopher

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America, like Canada, is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Now, go have a nice day, or whichever kind of day you want.




Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #703 on: August 20, 2017, 05:54:09 PM »
I can answer the first question.. Somebody got married, divorced and remarried

ANd I can add humor.. HOld on it's  a You tube link.  It answers the J.C.Penny question.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxaSoQ8_a5M


Warning, empty mouth before clicking on this link.


Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Oldgator73

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #704 on: August 22, 2017, 07:18:51 AM »
Man turns 62 and promptly goes to the Social Security office to apply for his benefits. The woman behind the counter asked to see his drivers license. He felt in all his pockets and exclaimed "I seem to have left my wallet at home. I'll have to run home and get it and come back." The woman said unbutton your shirt. He did so exposing the grey hair covering his chest. She said "That's proof enough that you're old enough for benefits."
When he got home and told his wife what had happened she said "You should have dropped your pants. You would have gotten disibilty too". That's when the fight started.

Dragginourbedaround

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #705 on: August 24, 2017, 10:42:38 AM »
How Well Do You Follow Instructions?

Flying a Challenger Mission will require you and your crewmates to follow instructions very carefully. Test your ability to follow instructions by completing the different tasks below: Make sure you follow each instruction properly. Carefully read through all instructions first.

1.  Write your name in the top right hand corner of the page
 
2.  Put a circle around your name.

3.  Turn the page over and draw a happy face on the other side.

4.  Under the happy face print "SO FAR I AM FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS".

5.  If you see the words "FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS" anywhere in the writing above, underline these two words.

6.  Stand up, spin around and sit back down again.

7.  Stick out your tongue.

8.  Shake another person's hand.

9.  If you've done everything correctly up until now, yell out "I CAN FOLLOW
INSTRUCTIONS!".

10. Turn the page over and write down the year you were born in the bottom left- hand corner.

11.  Stand on your chair and beat your chest for 3 seconds, then sit back down.
 
12.  Give the instructor a "thumbs-up" signal to let him/her know that you've gotten this far without any problems.

13.  Snort like a pig for 3 seconds.

14.  Now that you have read everything carefully first, like you were instructed to
do, please ignore steps 2 through 14, sit quietly at your desk and wait for the others to finish.
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #706 on: August 26, 2017, 07:38:21 AM »
Somewhat political but 100% funny so take it as a joke please.

ATTENTION:

Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or $100 bills.

They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!

 DO NOT just throw them away.

 They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so.

Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address.

 We must get these out of circulation immediately.

 Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

BobNSam

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #707 on: August 26, 2017, 09:06:15 AM »
Somewhat political but 100% funny so take it as a joke please.

ATTENTION:

Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or $100 bills.

They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!

 DO NOT just throw them away.

 They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so.

Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address.

 We must get these out of circulation immediately.

 Thank you for your cooperation.

SWMBO was precertified for this activity and has already disposed of these "tarnished treasures".
2017 Newmar Ventana LE
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Roy M

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #708 on: August 26, 2017, 12:10:42 PM »
 ;D Good response

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #709 on: August 30, 2017, 02:16:42 PM »
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If god wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses ... They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
17a. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?



Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #710 on: September 01, 2017, 11:06:24 AM »
God and Lawn Care:

GOD: Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds, and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away, too.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #711 on: September 05, 2017, 11:00:30 PM »
Oldie...


MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
 
 
This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.
 
Men Are Just Happier People!
 
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.   You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.   You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
No wonder men are happier!!!
 
 
NICKNAMES
 
·         If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·         If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 
 
EATING OUT
 
·         When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
 
 
MONEY
 
·         A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·         A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
 
BATHROOMS
 
·         A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·         The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
 
ARGUMENTS
 
·         A woman has the last word in any argument.
·         Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
FUTURE
 
·         A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·         A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
MARRIAGE
 
·         A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
·         A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
 
DRESSING UP
 
·         A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·         A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
NATURAL
 
·         Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·         Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
OFFSPRING
 
·         Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
·         A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy reading.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #712 on: September 07, 2017, 02:26:09 PM »
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing...

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’ em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.



Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #713 on: September 19, 2017, 04:38:26 PM »
My marriage has unraveled
Because of Robert Frost.
When I take the road less traveled
My wife insists I’m lost.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #714 on: September 30, 2017, 10:14:48 AM »
Some Important Thoughts

· If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn’t it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 110 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day”.

(Save this until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday!!)
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Oldgator73

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #715 on: September 30, 2017, 11:01:55 AM »
^^^^
Those are great and thought provoking.

John From Detroit

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #716 on: September 30, 2017, 05:11:49 PM »

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn’t it be called double V?


If you call it Dubli V .. Then you are speaking French, not English.  But good point I have often wondered that myself.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Memtb

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #717 on: September 30, 2017, 05:30:47 PM »



         The NFL!
Todd and Marianne
Miniature Schnauzers - Sundai, Nellie and Maggie Mae
2007 Dodge Ram 3500,  6.7 Ram 6 speed manual, 4x4
2004 Teton Grand Freedom
2007 Bigfoot Class C

Dragginourbedaround

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  • I look out the window and see trees, I'm camping
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #718 on: September 30, 2017, 06:04:30 PM »
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #719 on: October 09, 2017, 08:59:02 AM »
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

 

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