EPDM Coatings
rvupgradestore.com Composet Products PO Box Zone
Over The Network Custom Yacht Interiors

Author Topic: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....  (Read 4971 times)

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« on: September 13, 2016, 09:32:13 PM »
Sometimes life throws you a curveball.....

Here's the Reader's Digest condensed version:  My mom is 82.  In early March, she got pneumonia and was hospitalized, and then spent 6 weeks in a rehab facility that she absolutely hated.  She can't live alone anymore...very limited mobility, weak, needs a walker, and starting to fall a lot....you get the picture.  My "siblings" have both essentially thrown their hands up in the air and told me it's my problem, so she has lived with us since April. If I mention the words "assisted living" she goes into a frenzy...doesn't want to spend the last of her cash on that....wants to leave it to my brother that hasn't been to see her in 7 years and calls her twice a year if he isn't too busy (do I sound bitter?  Sorry).  I can afford to pay a portion of the cost of her assisted living, and her SS and pension would make up the rest, but she wants to live with us and stash away her monthly pension and social security so she can.....wait for it.....leave it to my brother.  She doesn't admit that....but she pines for his attention....not tough to figure out.  But I digress.

My sis was supposed to retire from the govt this year and take her....which she has put mom off month by month for the last year.....kinda like Lucy yanking the football away from Charlie Brown.  I've given up on it happening.  I even went back to work this year, as having her is costing us more.  Wifey is retired and stays home with her (God I married a great woman)....we have a woman come in 3 times a week to help Mom bathe. 

So this whole summer, the RV sat in my driveway.  We can't take her with us camping (she can't climb the stairs or get in the truck), and even if we could, what would be the point?  She's cranky, needy, talks incessantly, and has a hair trigger for butt hurt.  Wouldn't exactly be relaxing for us.  So basically, I have almost $80,000 worth of equipment sitting idle....I drive the truck a couple times a week to keep it healthy, but that's a lot of truck that isn't getting used for what it was intended. 

I would miss the truck and trailer more than I can express.  Summer is almost over, and it's a write off.  Someone please talk me out of selling it.....and if you have any ideas, I'm all ears.    :-\
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

BinaryBob

  • Forum Staff
  • ---
  • *
  • Posts: 1620
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 09:40:54 PM »
I would miss the truck and trailer more than I can express. 

NO ! NO ! NO !
The above says it all.
I don't know what the family financial situation is, and you're smart enough to not post it here.
I'd see an elder care attorney and get your options that don't break the bank, and get's this monkey off your back.
Friz... On a selfish note, you'd be missed....
2004 Itasca Suncruiser 37B

"Every hobby perpetuates its arcane mysteries. How else would we impress the newbies with our superior knowledge?"
--Gary RV Roamer--

Rene T

  • ---
  • Posts: 9854
  • Great being on the right side of the grass
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2016, 09:50:38 PM »
I know it seems like real tough times right now but just remember one thing, you only have one Mom. Once she's gone, it's for good. I wish my Mom and Dad were still around. This year for the most part is over with. Winterize it and put it to bed for the winter. Wait to see what happens next spring.
Rene & Lucille & co-pilot Buddy
AKA  Pep N Mem
2011 Chevy Duramax 2500 HD 4X4
2011 Montana High Country 343RL
From the Granite State of NH
& Florida Snowbird in Lakeland FL

johnhicks

  • ---
  • Posts: 131
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2016, 09:56:48 PM »
  To be direct and to the point..please forgive...

  I doesn't sound like she's real lucid. You need to look into doing a legal guardianship and any relative who disagrees just volunteered. See your attorney. It isn't any fun but often it's something that just has to be done.

  Your rig can sit in the driveway for a year or however long. Don't sell it and you don't want to think of your mother as "the reason you had to sell it."  You can, and should, have someone stay with her for the occasional weekend and go camping. Starting sooner rather than later.

  This may be a rugged time. Do what's right for your mother, not necesarily what she wants and certainly not what relatives may want, just what's right.

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 10:19:24 PM »
I know how the original post must have sounded.....she's my mom, and I love her.  I will miss her when she's gone.  But this summer has felt like we were under house arrest.  We can't leave her unattended for more than a couple of hours.  Wifey and I did manage to sneak out for a "date night" a couple weeks ago, but I have the feeling mom was upset about us not taking her.  Going away for even a weekend is absolutely out of the question.  I haven't been out of El Paso since last November, and I'm getting cabin fever. 

At the root of my unhappiness over the whole situation is the fact that for the last 20 years, the wife and I have essentially had to help her out continually while my siblings didn't lift a finger....and she makes excuses for them.  Mom is the culmination of a lifetime of poor decision making, and it has all come home to roost.  The mobility and falling problem stems from the fact that after she retired in 1995, she essentially stopped any form of exercise.  Now in her early 80's, the walking involved in just going out to eat absolutely wears her out, and she has zero leg strength.  She refuses to exercise whatsoever, and here we are.

The trailer is still pickled from last year.  I go in once a week, crank up the A/C, turn on the TV, and drink a beer.  I run the slide and awning out to keep them working.  This winter I will recaulk the roof seams and repack the wheel bearings.  I just get the feeling that mom may be with us for the long haul, and that this won't be the last summer it sits....and sits.....and sits.....


2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2016, 10:25:21 PM »
   You can, and should, have someone stay with her for the occasional weekend and go camping. Starting sooner rather than later.

Trust me....if there were anyone that could do that, we would.  Problem is two-fold....first, my friends all still work.  She would need someone there essentially 24/7.  Second....and again, I know how this will sound....but mom can be a very abrasive individual.  She has zero social filters, and often manages to offend and alienate people.  And she wouldn't be happy about us being gone, and would make whoever came to sit her miserable.

I could hire someone....but I'm not keen on the idea of a total stranger being in my house without us there.  No thanks.

I'm going to look into respite care if this drags on....and she will be dragged kicking and screaming if necessary.  By next summer, it will be three years since the wife and I had a real vacation.  I have the financial means to make it happen, it's just having mom throw a fit over it.  I will essentially have to turn off my phone once we drop her off. 

As for her lucidity....well, that varies on whether or not she is getting her way....but you essentially hit the nail on the head. 
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2016, 10:27:25 PM »

Friz... On a selfish note, you'd be missed....

Bob....you guys are, unfortunately, stuck with me for the long haul.....RV or no RV.   ;D
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

blw2

  • ---
  • Posts: 2544
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2016, 10:49:34 AM »
This reminds me of the Bible story about the Prodigal son in Luke chapter 15.

Anyway, I agree with the suggestion to get someone to stay with her while you go, even if it's less often or for shorter trips  than you might ordinarily take out the TT (you have to live, after all).... and even if you have to hire it out since your deadbeat sibling won't pitch in.  Let her pay the cost for the hiring out, since it would be but only a small fraction of assisted living it should be reasonable.

Tough spot you're in.  Good luck.
Brad (DW + 3 kids)
13 Thor Chateau 31L Class C on Ford E-450
'06 Silverado
'05 Rockwood Freedom 1910 (5-1/2 years)
former tent campers

camperAL

  • ---
  • Posts: 1022
  • Back Into RV'ing
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2016, 10:57:56 AM »
Hi Frizlefrack,

Good! We want to be stuck with you!

I took care of my Mom (with the generous help of my wife) until she passed away. I was working then. My sister would come from clear across the country to relieve us once every year or 16 months. I even drove her out to my sister's house three times in six years (2005,2007,2009). She loved to ride and site seeing and the doctor said it was o.k. for her to make the trips.

You can get people like Hospice to sit in for a few days and get away. I agree you still have a stranger in the house but perhaps putting video in the house to monitor would offer help in keeping someone who might try to steal in check. I'd certainly find security for any and all valuables that you didn't want to disappear. They will know how to handle her in a responsible way. Sometimes elderly use their predicament to control their offspring. While your Mom is entitled to care, you are entitled to be able to get away for a little bit and enjoy yourselves.

You would have to contact legal advise, but I believe if you are taking care of an parent or relative, you can charge the estate a reasonable fee for time spent taking care of your Mom. You would need to keep clear records! Since your siblings aren't wanting to help or can't be bothered, I would bring this up (if it is possible) and maybe with the thought of not getting their $$ from the estate, might make them feel like taking care of their Mom who took care of them so many years ago.

I was fortunite my Mom was a kind hart and pretty easy to deal with. I could get her to do things that others couldn't seem to. You have of course a different situation. I think there is some sort of solution but you will have to explore those. Talk to some of the health care givers for some possible solutions and I think something will materialize that will help you both out.
CamperAL (Indiana)
(2006 Coachmen Mirada 290 KS )

Joezeppy

  • ---
  • Posts: 1652
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2016, 11:03:08 AM »
I already had this typed but camperAL beat me to some of it...

It can't be easy to think about a "stranger" taking care of your mom and it's natural to worry about her offending her caregivers but there are agencies that specialize in elder care for difficult patients (dementia, Alzheimer's, etc.). Perhaps you can locate one and try day time care once or twice and then expand to a night or two?


You are certainly faced with personal decisions here but even if you cannot get a caregiver for overnight or long-term stays, think about keeping the RV - at least you would have a retreat to use (as you already have) when you need to "get away" for a while, even if it's only next to the house.

I wish you the best.


Edit - fixed some tiny print.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2016, 03:23:08 PM by Joezeppy »
Joe & Kim
Upstate NY - Kuyahoora Valley
2010 GMC Sierra 2500HD - 6.0L gasser
2017 Keystone Hideout 295BHS
Andersen Ultimate Aluminum 5th wheel hitch

Ernie n Tara

  • ---
  • Posts: 3237
  • Life is Good - Together
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2016, 03:08:44 PM »
FrizzleFrak,

Having been there and done that, I speak from experience. There comes a time for tough love! My mom wasn't as difficult, but definitely did not want to enter a nursing home (by any name). I simply had to point out that my wife was going well beyond any reasonable expection and it had to stop. We found a nice nursing home and moved her! My wife actually took a job as activities director at the home for a couple of years (another great lady), but that wasn't part of the deal.

It worked out much better than she, or we, expected and pretty soon she was chasing "Homer" around the home. FOUR years  later she passed peacefully.

Take a stand!!

Ernie
Ernie 'n Tara

2011 Winn Journey 34y
2012 Jeep Rubicon - Dozer (orange - kinda)
2006 Jeep Wrangler

SeilerBird

  • ---
  • Posts: 10703
  • Everything I state is my opinion.
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2016, 03:34:43 PM »
Hi Friz - I agree you are in a tough situation. My advice is to agree with the above two posters. It is time to put her in a home no matter what she says. I realize she is your mother but enough is enough. You have your own life to live and you should not allow her to ruin yours just because she is your mother. If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
Life list of birds:
https://goo.gl/photos/xuP9zPD2KP2swN1g8
Grand Canyon photos:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/Nc1AT8tQp25wJwfm1
My portfolio:
https://goo.gl/photos/Cx4SaYhGfYFShSty7

Joezeppy

  • ---
  • Posts: 1652
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2016, 04:10:28 PM »
I have to interject some humor into this - hopefully it will be appreciated and maybe it will make Friz smile. When I first met Kim (1986) I was, of course, getting to know her family. Her grandfather, Myron, was showing me a picture of him, his wife, and his mother from the 60's and telling stories. In 1950 his mother was 80 years old and her health was failing. The doctor said to Myron "You have to take her in. I know it's an inconvenience but she's 80, how long can she possibly live?". Then Myron continued with "25 years later..." You see, she did not leave them until 1975, just a few months shy of her 105th birthday!
Joe & Kim
Upstate NY - Kuyahoora Valley
2010 GMC Sierra 2500HD - 6.0L gasser
2017 Keystone Hideout 295BHS
Andersen Ultimate Aluminum 5th wheel hitch

utahclaimjumper

  • ---
  • Posts: 2941
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2016, 07:09:05 PM »
  You are subsidizing your brother like or not. He does not sound like he deserves it or appreciates whats going on.>>>Dan
38' American Tradition 38TT/330 turbo Cummins
Jeep liberty 4 down
72 VW Baja 4 down
Cedar City, Utah
USAF vet. 59-63
The difference between intelligence & stupidity is: intelligence has it's limits
      Albert Einstein.
President Western GM Coach chapter FMCA

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2016, 10:36:16 PM »
I have to interject some humor into this - hopefully it will be appreciated and maybe it will make Friz smile. When I first met Kim (1986) I was, of course, getting to know her family. Her grandfather, Myron, was showing me a picture of him, his wife, and his mother from the 60's and telling stories. In 1950 his mother was 80 years old and her health was failing. The doctor said to Myron "You have to take her in. I know it's an inconvenience but she's 80, how long can she possibly live?". Then Myron continued with "25 years later..." You see, she did not leave them until 1975, just a few months shy of her 105th birthday!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Excellent.

Thanks all....Going to start weighing our options a bit.  Felt good just to get it all off my chest. 

  You are subsidizing your brother like or not. He does not sound like he deserves it or appreciates whats going on.>>>Dan

That's dawned on me a time or two....And you know, if he just sent a note once a month or so that said "thanks for everything you do bro" and came to see Mom for a couple days once a year, or even just asked how she was doing with any regularity, I'd probably be OK with that.  I'd be happy to foot the bill for his trip if he wanted to come see her.  But he is one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known.....and the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Hi Frizlefrack,


You would have to contact legal advise, but I believe if you are taking care of an parent or relative, you can charge the estate a reasonable fee for time spent taking care of your Mom.

Thanks Al....but there's so little estate there to begin with that I couldn't care less.  Wife and I don't need it....sis doesn't either.  If my brother wants it, he's welcome to it.  He'll go through it in 3 months.


Anyway, I agree with the suggestion to get someone to stay with her while you go, even if it's less often or for shorter trips  than you might ordinarily take out the TT (you have to live, after all).... and even if you have to hire it out since your deadbeat sibling won't pitch in.  Let her pay the cost for the hiring out, since it would be but only a small fraction of assisted living it should be reasonable.

Oh, I don't mind paying for it.....getting mom to agree to it may like doing dental work on a wild panther.  And I'd have to hire it out....I wouldn't do that to anyone I consider a friend.

I think why this has been such an adjustment for us is that we've been married for 27 years and don't have any kids....thus we've always been able to come and go as we please.  When that stopped, it stopped suddenly.  Again, I liken it to being under house arrest.

Thanks again all.  It's appreciated.   :)
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2016, 10:48:09 PM »
If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.

Hi Tom.....

That thought dawns on me often.....this, right now, is as good as it gets.  Thus far, she can still walk herself to the bathroom and back without help.....but for how much longer?  When she can't do that alone anymore, it will be an instant decision maker.  I wouldn't expect my wife to help with that in a million years, and it would be way too awkward for me.  At that point, she goes in a home period....even if I have to get social services involved. 

I would visit her often....I'm not one of those kids that dumps an aging parent off at a nursing home and forgets them.  When mom moves to the great beyond, my conscience will be clear. 
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

TravlinOn

  • ---
  • Posts: 175
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2016, 07:53:26 AM »
Fritz, you are getting some good advice here, and if nothing else, you are getting a good opportunity to vent and to sort through your thoughts vs feelings. 

For many years, I managed Retirement Communities, Assisted Living, Nursing Homes, and Home Health.  During that time, I met with families who were trying to work through similar, never exactly the same, types of problems as those that you are trying to resolve; plus, my own family has had both successes and failures and guilt issues.  There is never one perfect solution.  Here are some thoughts.

1.  The odds are that your Mother will never change her mind about going into a "home (by whatever the name).  For many if not most people, going into a "home" means giving up on "life" and entering the first stage of "death" from which never to return - a hard decision to face.

2.  Trying to become her legal guardian is definitely a good idea and if you are successful that would ease getting your future decisions accomplished, but if she just happens to be lucid if front of a social worker, or Judge, while she pushes for her desires in the matter, or if your sibling(s) decide to go against you, then - well, who knows?

3.  One possibility is wait until an accident or illness requires that she go into a nursing/rehab facility.  She might be more easily convinced at that time.  Find the best one with a reputation for great personal care (ask around), then leave her there ongoing.  Most doctors can assist with a legitimate prognosis with the problems she is apparently having.

4.  Another possibility is to expand your use of home health assistance to short-term 24/7 for long enough for you to get away.  This option will be very expensive, but expense can be adjusted to available funds.  Again, ask around for a reputable home health service.  Make sure that the Agency actually checks out the criminal backgrounds for all their aides.  Ask the agency if they have any customers who are willing to provide references for the particular aides who will be assigned.  Ask how often an agency nurse or social worker will visit with your Mother.  <-- This might not happen in a very short term arrangement.

5.  Get a safety deposit box, outside the house, and lock up all check books, cash, and jewelry while you are gone.  Call home frequently and try to sort out what is true "I'm getting beat up daily!" from the daily "I'm soooo miserable!" comments.

6.  Remember that if you think that abuse is really occurring, you should immediately report it to your state's local Elderly Abuse line.

Doing all the above might assuage some of your guilt feelings, but in any case, remember that "tough love" can be best for both you and for your Mother.

Just my thoughts and certainly not guaranteed to be sane or reasonable for all situations.  Good luck!





2015 F350 SuperDuty, Diesel, 4x4, Dually, LB, MORryde Pin Box, Reese Elite
2010 Keystone Montana 3400RL

SeilerBird

  • ---
  • Posts: 10703
  • Everything I state is my opinion.
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #17 on: September 15, 2016, 08:28:23 AM »
Doing all the above might assuage some of your guilt feelings, but in any case, remember that "tough love" can be best for both you and for your Mother.
You hit the nail on the head TravlinOn.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
Life list of birds:
https://goo.gl/photos/xuP9zPD2KP2swN1g8
Grand Canyon photos:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/Nc1AT8tQp25wJwfm1
My portfolio:
https://goo.gl/photos/Cx4SaYhGfYFShSty7

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2016, 01:46:07 AM »
For many if not most people, going into a "home" means giving up on "life" and entering the first stage of "death" from which never to return - a hard decision to face.

You are 100% correct.  And that makes perfect sense.

My sis texted me again and says her retirement is tentatively set for November, and that she will take Mom then (Keep in mind I've heard this same promise 5 or 6 times now).  I really wish she would....not just to give the wife and I a rest, but for the simple fact that she hasn't spent much time with mom in the last 30 years....and if she wants to, that window is closing.  Mom is 82, and her health isn't great, and she misses both of my siblings a lot.  That's part of what grinds my gears about the whole situation....she continually pines for their attention, and neither has made much effort to be with her.

Sis lives back east....so this isn't a day in the car and she's here.  If this actually happens, I'll have to fly out to WV with mom.  There is no way she can navigate large airports alone.  If the situation was reversed, I would fly out and get mom and bring her home with me.  I guess that's my biggest character flaw....I continually expect people to act with the same concern I would...and I'm continually disappointed when they don't.

Anyhow, thanks all for the kind words and for sharing some wisdom.  I'm soaking it all in.....
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Pugapooh

  • ---
  • Posts: 329
  • Wanna buy a truck?
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2016, 02:19:11 AM »
My sympathies on your situation.  Just some thoughts.

Talk to a lawyer about your options.

Consider finding a place now so that you don't have to do it when the crisis comes. 

It's much easier to rely on a whole staff of a facility than one or two in-home caregivers.

Honestly,it sounds like your siblings are more than happy to let you do it all.  Don't try,you can't and you don't have to. 

Sounds like the RV is still a little retreat,don't sell it!

Best wishes
2006 Dutchmen Denali 29 RL fiver
2006 Dodge 2500 Big Horn
2001 GMC Sierra 3500
1996 Dodge Ram 1500

sadixon49

  • ---
  • Posts: 256
  • Fishers, Indiana
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2016, 01:40:34 PM »
Sorry I can't offer much useful advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. I do know about looking out the window at the RV in the drive and wishing we could go somewhere. We bought our RV in January and my MIL went into hospice within a week. DRs said 6 months to live, 9 mos. ago. I don't really want her to go, but the strain on the family is hard to deal with.
steve
2017 Jayco Redhawk 26XD
E-450 Ford, 6.8 V-10
EEZRV TPMS

retiredcajunlady

  • ---
  • Posts: 51
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2016, 04:58:20 PM »
I am so sorry for your life situation right now.  I have been where you are...along with my siblings.  One of the hardest things life can hand any of us is to have to become the "responsible adult" in a child/parent relationship.  My advice?  As hard as it will be, you have to stop thinking like the child now. You are her son, but you have to be the adult in the relationship. 
Schedule a talk with your mom's primary care giver so you can fully understand just where your mom is physically and mentally.  Is she still able to make decisions for herself?  If not, someone will have to be appointed to do this for her.  See a lawyer on your mom's behalf and your own.  This is so very important, especially as time goes by.
As much as we want to believe that no family member would ever take financially from your mom, it could happen.  You want to make sure her assets are used for her and her alone until she passes.  In later years this will be really important unless you have unlimited assets to use for her care.  You mention SS.  Was your father a veteran?  If so, she may be eligible for widow's benefits.  Find out what you need to apply for them and do so.  It takes a while for paperwork, so the sooner you do this, the better.  The lawyer MAY be able to help. 
Assisted living (which my mom lived in until she passed) is more for those who don't have cognition problems or serious physical issues.  Most usually have limited medical care available.  And the cost comes out of pocket has they aren't regulated strictly like nursing homes are.  My mom didn't like living there but she wasn't happy at home either.  My brother and I were still working and couldn't be there 24/, but we did each visit daily to just visit and see how she was doing.  We were in the minority.  Most families just visited each week or so.
I am not nor would I ever suggest that you neglect your mom in any way, but keeping her with you and your family may not be the best situation for any of you.  We all love(d) our parents and we all want to do what is best for them.  But you have others to think of at this time.  And you have yourself to think of too.  Ask yourself:  Would continuing to keep your mom at home truly benefit her mentally and physically?  Would this situation benefiting you and your wife?  Does she truly need more care than you can give? 
Y'all are in tough place...one of the toughest.  By all means get input from your siblings, but do talk with professionals.  They can give you the best guidance.  Good luck and God bless you all.
H.

Jomo

  • ---
  • Posts: 82
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2016, 06:20:41 PM »
I am in a similar situation with my mom right now.  Please keep in mind, assisted living is not a nursing home.  She would have her own apartment, meet many people in similar shape for meals and activities and hopefully make friends and eventually will start to enjoy it, create new memories and actually have some fun.  Several of my friends who have gone through this said their mom never looked back and found great relief with it.

Don't sell it.  Don't give up your dreams.

Good luck!!
Jo & Jim
2007 Gulfstream Friendship 41' DP
2012 Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland Summit
Full time since June 2016
Home Base- Traverse City MI

PatStab

  • ---
  • Posts: 99
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2016, 09:27:38 PM »
My MIL threw a fit, she has dementia, mainly just not remembering anything.  Lost keys, didn't eat, thought she
had, started thinking people were stealing, her sister who lived behind her got her started on that.

My husband decided she needed to go to assisted living, she called him everything but good, bad part is her
sister who lived behind her is worse off, she went first.  I had both of them last year plus DD and was a crazy
woman.  The first one we put her in didn't work, she tried to leave, the second is good, has push button keyed
exit and she can't remember the codes.  They are even posted by the door.

At first she hated it, was going to go home every time we went there, oh she and sister are both there.  She
has an apartment though we are going to move her to a studio.  She had enough savings the first year plus
SS to pay it but her health insurance is expensive from the union so move her soon we are.  It will be just
down the hall.

By the way, if her husband was a veteran and served even 1 day during war time you can get benefits to help
pay it.  The cannot have assets over $80k, was a 3 year look back is to be 5, may already be now.  They figure
up total income and total expenses, but max they can get a month is $1149, that's what MIL gets.  It took me
almost a year to get benefits started.  Now we are waiting for retroactive pay.  Once she gets that and moves
into the studio we are only adding about $200 a month.  However she requires extra help for bathing, we get
her hair done weekly, and laundry done so adds to the cost.  Eventually when she goes up to more levels
of care we will have to move her to an efficiency, that's what her sister is in now.  But she won't go to the
shower in the hall and washes in the sink, told hubby we would have the same issue so the studio.

You might find she really likes it, they have people to commiserate with their illness and can talk to them.
The routine and good food has helped them both, they are holding their own, her sister is much happier then
MIL, but still MIL is doing well.  Hubby goes and sees her several times a week, its only about 12 miles from
us and its working well.

You may not want to do it, but you might find it improves her life as well as yours.  If she is resistant and we
know as MIL gets worse we will need guardianship.  We went ahead and got it as the assisted living place
said they could not keep her against her will if she really pushed it.  Guardianship costs about $2k, figure
its pretty much the same anywhere.

If I can be of any help just ask, we have been through it with her and also with our mentally challenged daughter
so sadly, am fairly well versed in this.

Live your life, its to short and there are very good places, if the first doesn't work try another.  Good luck and
don't sell your dream.

PatStab

  • ---
  • Posts: 99
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2016, 06:51:11 AM »
Forgot to add, most of the folks there are doing well, some are minor memory
issues, most are physically ill.  We really like the one MIL is in, its employee owned
and they are really good to the folks there.  A busy schedule if you want to partake
of it.

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #25 on: September 24, 2016, 01:51:55 PM »
Thanks to all for the kind words of wisdom.  Know it is appreciated.

2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

GA_Boy

  • ---
  • Posts: 157
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2016, 09:11:17 PM »
Hi Friz - I agree you are in a tough situation. My advice is to agree with the above two posters. It is time to put her in a home no matter what she says. I realize she is your mother but enough is enough. You have your own life to live and you should not allow her to ruin yours just because she is your mother. If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.
I totally agree. A rest home is best for all.  My 102 yr old Sister was recently placed in a home and she loves it--making new friends, etc.
Marvin

kenvb

  • ---
  • Posts: 47
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2016, 09:31:20 PM »
no to selling RV   we also have a 86 yr old mother..smokes pack a day.drinks half bottle of wine..walks to town 4 blocks for mail and lunch every second day.smart as a whip.remembers everything.she asked last February is she could move in with us .she refuses to move into a lodge full of OLD people with rules and only one room,her little house has 4 and she has a big load of stuff.so we bought this monster 34 ft RV for her to use this summer. i built a ramp thats easy for her to get into it. then spent a week here and decided NOPE.. wants to go back to her home..so we are back to square one..with a 34 ft class a in our back yard.so instead of selling it, we are selling our 26 ft trailer and going to restore this old diesal pusher.   
« Last Edit: September 26, 2016, 02:39:49 AM by scottydl »
what goes around,comes around!

Alpena Jeff

  • ---
  • Posts: 200
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #28 on: September 26, 2016, 07:28:33 AM »
I am in a similar situation with my mom right now.  Please keep in mind, assisted living is not a nursing home.  She would have her own apartment, meet many people in similar shape for meals and activities and hopefully make friends and eventually will start to enjoy it, create new memories and actually have some fun.  Several of my friends who have gone through this said their mom never looked back and found great relief with it.

Don't sell it.  Don't give up your dreams.

Good luck!!
We just went through this with mom in March. Dad passed 3 years ago, I have 2 siblings. We are a tight, religious family and all jump in to help. We placed mom in assisted living after much debate she decided to give it a go, just don't sell her house! Well, we got the ok to sell the house. She loves it! So many activities, lunch and dinner provided daily with an in house chef. My siblings are both within an hour and I'm 4 hours away. They visit once a week minimum and once a month for me.
It can work if you can convince her to give it a go. No contracts at our place,you can bail if it doesn't work.
Best of luck, Jeff
Jeff & Judy
2016 Newmar Ventana 3427
Cummings ISBXT turbo 6.7L 360HP
Allison 3000MH
2018 Canyon All Terrain toad
"Official" snowbird!
Retired to "the lake" in north Michigan
Preachers kid since day one!

Frankedj

  • ---
  • Posts: 117
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #29 on: September 26, 2016, 08:05:15 AM »
Your roles are now reversed from when she was your caregiver.

Now you have to be the one that makes the tough decisions for her well being and your own.

Being a 24/7 end of life caregiver is extremely difficult to do on your own and it only gets harder. Get as much help as possible as you taking on the brunt of all the weight will pull you down.

Do not give up on your RV because you will probably need it to be you again afterwards. Keep on doing your maintenance on it as you have been doing.

If the funds get down so low that you have to consider selling the RV, then it is time to put the cards on the table and make the rule that Mom has to either contribute to the household or she has to go into an assisted living facility. Let her make her choice between the two. Stand your ground too. I have been 24/7 caregiver for a person that was as you described your Mom. The words I used to use to describe him are rude, loudmouthed, overbearing, obnoxious. He had alienated everyone except for me.
1988 HR Imperial 33'
700 watts Renogy Mono solar panels
Tri-Star 60A PWM Solar Controller
Magnum MS2012-15B Pure Sine Inv.
Wireless remote solar tilt
TM-2030RV-F TriMetric Battery Monitor
Six Crown 6CRV220 AGM batteries with 4/0 cables
1,000+ watt 14 cabinet tri-amped sound system w/30 band EQ

 

Hosted by Over The Network