EPDM Coatings
rvupgradestore.com Composet Products Custom Yacht Interiors

Author Topic: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....  (Read 5546 times)

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« on: September 13, 2016, 09:32:13 PM »
Sometimes life throws you a curveball.....

Here's the Reader's Digest condensed version:  My mom is 82.  In early March, she got pneumonia and was hospitalized, and then spent 6 weeks in a rehab facility that she absolutely hated.  She can't live alone anymore...very limited mobility, weak, needs a walker, and starting to fall a lot....you get the picture.  My "siblings" have both essentially thrown their hands up in the air and told me it's my problem, so she has lived with us since April. If I mention the words "assisted living" she goes into a frenzy...doesn't want to spend the last of her cash on that....wants to leave it to my brother that hasn't been to see her in 7 years and calls her twice a year if he isn't too busy (do I sound bitter?  Sorry).  I can afford to pay a portion of the cost of her assisted living, and her SS and pension would make up the rest, but she wants to live with us and stash away her monthly pension and social security so she can.....wait for it.....leave it to my brother.  She doesn't admit that....but she pines for his attention....not tough to figure out.  But I digress.

My sis was supposed to retire from the govt this year and take her....which she has put mom off month by month for the last year.....kinda like Lucy yanking the football away from Charlie Brown.  I've given up on it happening.  I even went back to work this year, as having her is costing us more.  Wifey is retired and stays home with her (God I married a great woman)....we have a woman come in 3 times a week to help Mom bathe. 

So this whole summer, the RV sat in my driveway.  We can't take her with us camping (she can't climb the stairs or get in the truck), and even if we could, what would be the point?  She's cranky, needy, talks incessantly, and has a hair trigger for butt hurt.  Wouldn't exactly be relaxing for us.  So basically, I have almost $80,000 worth of equipment sitting idle....I drive the truck a couple times a week to keep it healthy, but that's a lot of truck that isn't getting used for what it was intended. 

I would miss the truck and trailer more than I can express.  Summer is almost over, and it's a write off.  Someone please talk me out of selling it.....and if you have any ideas, I'm all ears.    :-\
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

BinaryBob

  • Forum Staff
  • ---
  • *
  • Posts: 1620
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 09:40:54 PM »
I would miss the truck and trailer more than I can express. 

NO ! NO ! NO !
The above says it all.
I don't know what the family financial situation is, and you're smart enough to not post it here.
I'd see an elder care attorney and get your options that don't break the bank, and get's this monkey off your back.
Friz... On a selfish note, you'd be missed....
2004 Itasca Suncruiser 37B

"Every hobby perpetuates its arcane mysteries. How else would we impress the newbies with our superior knowledge?"
--Gary RV Roamer--

Rene T

  • ---
  • Posts: 10139
  • Great being on the right side of the grass
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2016, 09:50:38 PM »
I know it seems like real tough times right now but just remember one thing, you only have one Mom. Once she's gone, it's for good. I wish my Mom and Dad were still around. This year for the most part is over with. Winterize it and put it to bed for the winter. Wait to see what happens next spring.
Rene & Lucille & co-pilot Buddy
AKA  Pep N Mem
2011 Chevy Duramax 2500 HD 4X4
2011 Montana High Country 343RL
From the Granite State of NH
& Florida Snowbird in Lakeland FL

johnhicks

  • ---
  • Posts: 134
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2016, 09:56:48 PM »
  To be direct and to the point..please forgive...

  I doesn't sound like she's real lucid. You need to look into doing a legal guardianship and any relative who disagrees just volunteered. See your attorney. It isn't any fun but often it's something that just has to be done.

  Your rig can sit in the driveway for a year or however long. Don't sell it and you don't want to think of your mother as "the reason you had to sell it."  You can, and should, have someone stay with her for the occasional weekend and go camping. Starting sooner rather than later.

  This may be a rugged time. Do what's right for your mother, not necesarily what she wants and certainly not what relatives may want, just what's right.

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 10:19:24 PM »
I know how the original post must have sounded.....she's my mom, and I love her.  I will miss her when she's gone.  But this summer has felt like we were under house arrest.  We can't leave her unattended for more than a couple of hours.  Wifey and I did manage to sneak out for a "date night" a couple weeks ago, but I have the feeling mom was upset about us not taking her.  Going away for even a weekend is absolutely out of the question.  I haven't been out of El Paso since last November, and I'm getting cabin fever. 

At the root of my unhappiness over the whole situation is the fact that for the last 20 years, the wife and I have essentially had to help her out continually while my siblings didn't lift a finger....and she makes excuses for them.  Mom is the culmination of a lifetime of poor decision making, and it has all come home to roost.  The mobility and falling problem stems from the fact that after she retired in 1995, she essentially stopped any form of exercise.  Now in her early 80's, the walking involved in just going out to eat absolutely wears her out, and she has zero leg strength.  She refuses to exercise whatsoever, and here we are.

The trailer is still pickled from last year.  I go in once a week, crank up the A/C, turn on the TV, and drink a beer.  I run the slide and awning out to keep them working.  This winter I will recaulk the roof seams and repack the wheel bearings.  I just get the feeling that mom may be with us for the long haul, and that this won't be the last summer it sits....and sits.....and sits.....


2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2016, 10:25:21 PM »
   You can, and should, have someone stay with her for the occasional weekend and go camping. Starting sooner rather than later.

Trust me....if there were anyone that could do that, we would.  Problem is two-fold....first, my friends all still work.  She would need someone there essentially 24/7.  Second....and again, I know how this will sound....but mom can be a very abrasive individual.  She has zero social filters, and often manages to offend and alienate people.  And she wouldn't be happy about us being gone, and would make whoever came to sit her miserable.

I could hire someone....but I'm not keen on the idea of a total stranger being in my house without us there.  No thanks.

I'm going to look into respite care if this drags on....and she will be dragged kicking and screaming if necessary.  By next summer, it will be three years since the wife and I had a real vacation.  I have the financial means to make it happen, it's just having mom throw a fit over it.  I will essentially have to turn off my phone once we drop her off. 

As for her lucidity....well, that varies on whether or not she is getting her way....but you essentially hit the nail on the head. 
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2016, 10:27:25 PM »

Friz... On a selfish note, you'd be missed....

Bob....you guys are, unfortunately, stuck with me for the long haul.....RV or no RV.   ;D
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

blw2

  • ---
  • Posts: 2598
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2016, 10:49:34 AM »
This reminds me of the Bible story about the Prodigal son in Luke chapter 15.

Anyway, I agree with the suggestion to get someone to stay with her while you go, even if it's less often or for shorter trips  than you might ordinarily take out the TT (you have to live, after all).... and even if you have to hire it out since your deadbeat sibling won't pitch in.  Let her pay the cost for the hiring out, since it would be but only a small fraction of assisted living it should be reasonable.

Tough spot you're in.  Good luck.
Brad (DW + 3 kids)
í13 Thor Chateau 31L Class C on Ford E-450
'06 Silverado
'05 Rockwood Freedom 1910 (5-1/2 years)
former tent campers

camperAL

  • ---
  • Posts: 1033
  • Back Into RV'ing
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2016, 10:57:56 AM »
Hi Frizlefrack,

Good! We want to be stuck with you!

I took care of my Mom (with the generous help of my wife) until she passed away. I was working then. My sister would come from clear across the country to relieve us once every year or 16 months. I even drove her out to my sister's house three times in six years (2005,2007,2009). She loved to ride and site seeing and the doctor said it was o.k. for her to make the trips.

You can get people like Hospice to sit in for a few days and get away. I agree you still have a stranger in the house but perhaps putting video in the house to monitor would offer help in keeping someone who might try to steal in check. I'd certainly find security for any and all valuables that you didn't want to disappear. They will know how to handle her in a responsible way. Sometimes elderly use their predicament to control their offspring. While your Mom is entitled to care, you are entitled to be able to get away for a little bit and enjoy yourselves.

You would have to contact legal advise, but I believe if you are taking care of an parent or relative, you can charge the estate a reasonable fee for time spent taking care of your Mom. You would need to keep clear records! Since your siblings aren't wanting to help or can't be bothered, I would bring this up (if it is possible) and maybe with the thought of not getting their $$ from the estate, might make them feel like taking care of their Mom who took care of them so many years ago.

I was fortunite my Mom was a kind hart and pretty easy to deal with. I could get her to do things that others couldn't seem to. You have of course a different situation. I think there is some sort of solution but you will have to explore those. Talk to some of the health care givers for some possible solutions and I think something will materialize that will help you both out.
CamperAL (Indiana)
(2006 Coachmen Mirada 290 KS )

Joezeppy

  • ---
  • Posts: 1681
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2016, 11:03:08 AM »
I already had this typed but camperAL beat me to some of it...

It can't be easy to think about a "stranger" taking care of your mom and it's natural to worry about her offending her caregivers but there are agencies that specialize in elder care for difficult patients (dementia, Alzheimer's, etc.). Perhaps you can locate one and try day time care once or twice and then expand to a night or two?


You are certainly faced with personal decisions here but even if you cannot get a caregiver for overnight or long-term stays, think about keeping the RV - at least you would have a retreat to use (as you already have) when you need to "get away" for a while, even if it's only next to the house.

I wish you the best.


Edit - fixed some tiny print.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2016, 03:23:08 PM by Joezeppy »
Joe & Kim
Upstate NY - Kuyahoora Valley
2010 GMC Sierra 2500HD - 6.0L
2017 Keystone Hideout 295BHS
Andersen Ultimate Aluminum 5th wheel hitch

Ernie n Tara

  • ---
  • Posts: 3291
  • Life is Good - Together
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2016, 03:08:44 PM »
FrizzleFrak,

Having been there and done that, I speak from experience. There comes a time for tough love! My mom wasn't as difficult, but definitely did not want to enter a nursing home (by any name). I simply had to point out that my wife was going well beyond any reasonable expection and it had to stop. We found a nice nursing home and moved her! My wife actually took a job as activities director at the home for a couple of years (another great lady), but that wasn't part of the deal.

It worked out much better than she, or we, expected and pretty soon she was chasing "Homer" around the home. FOUR years  later she passed peacefully.

Take a stand!!

Ernie
Ernie 'n Tara

2011 Winn Journey 34y
2012 Jeep Rubicon - Dozer (orange - kinda)
2006 Jeep Wrangler

SeilerBird

  • ---
  • Posts: 11005
  • Everything I state is my opinion.
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2016, 03:34:43 PM »
Hi Friz - I agree you are in a tough situation. My advice is to agree with the above two posters. It is time to put her in a home no matter what she says. I realize she is your mother but enough is enough. You have your own life to live and you should not allow her to ruin yours just because she is your mother. If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
My new Pixel camera:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/rMSw5eVkCfKuuEOP2
My portfolio:
https://goo.gl/photos/Cx4SaYhGfYFShSty7
My Grand Canyon shots:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/Nc1AT8tQp25wJwfm1

Joezeppy

  • ---
  • Posts: 1681
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2016, 04:10:28 PM »
I have to interject some humor into this - hopefully it will be appreciated and maybe it will make Friz smile. When I first met Kim (1986) I was, of course, getting to know her family. Her grandfather, Myron, was showing me a picture of him, his wife, and his mother from the 60's and telling stories. In 1950 his mother was 80 years old and her health was failing. The doctor said to Myron "You have to take her in. I know it's an inconvenience but she's 80, how long can she possibly live?". Then Myron continued with "25 years later..." You see, she did not leave them until 1975, just a few months shy of her 105th birthday!
Joe & Kim
Upstate NY - Kuyahoora Valley
2010 GMC Sierra 2500HD - 6.0L
2017 Keystone Hideout 295BHS
Andersen Ultimate Aluminum 5th wheel hitch

Utclmjmpr

  • ---
  • Posts: 3038
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2016, 07:09:05 PM »
  You are subsidizing your brother like or not. He does not sound like he deserves it or appreciates whats going on.>>>Dan
38' American Tradition 38TT/330 turbo Cummins
Jeep liberty 4 down
72 VW Baja 4 down
Cedar City, Utah
USAF vet. 59-63
The difference between intelligence & stupidity is: intelligence has it's limits
      Albert Einstein.
President Western GM Coach chapter FMCA

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2016, 10:36:16 PM »
I have to interject some humor into this - hopefully it will be appreciated and maybe it will make Friz smile. When I first met Kim (1986) I was, of course, getting to know her family. Her grandfather, Myron, was showing me a picture of him, his wife, and his mother from the 60's and telling stories. In 1950 his mother was 80 years old and her health was failing. The doctor said to Myron "You have to take her in. I know it's an inconvenience but she's 80, how long can she possibly live?". Then Myron continued with "25 years later..." You see, she did not leave them until 1975, just a few months shy of her 105th birthday!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Excellent.

Thanks all....Going to start weighing our options a bit.  Felt good just to get it all off my chest. 

  You are subsidizing your brother like or not. He does not sound like he deserves it or appreciates whats going on.>>>Dan

That's dawned on me a time or two....And you know, if he just sent a note once a month or so that said "thanks for everything you do bro" and came to see Mom for a couple days once a year, or even just asked how she was doing with any regularity, I'd probably be OK with that.  I'd be happy to foot the bill for his trip if he wanted to come see her.  But he is one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known.....and the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Hi Frizlefrack,


You would have to contact legal advise, but I believe if you are taking care of an parent or relative, you can charge the estate a reasonable fee for time spent taking care of your Mom.

Thanks Al....but there's so little estate there to begin with that I couldn't care less.  Wife and I don't need it....sis doesn't either.  If my brother wants it, he's welcome to it.  He'll go through it in 3 months.


Anyway, I agree with the suggestion to get someone to stay with her while you go, even if it's less often or for shorter trips  than you might ordinarily take out the TT (you have to live, after all).... and even if you have to hire it out since your deadbeat sibling won't pitch in.  Let her pay the cost for the hiring out, since it would be but only a small fraction of assisted living it should be reasonable.

Oh, I don't mind paying for it.....getting mom to agree to it may like doing dental work on a wild panther.  And I'd have to hire it out....I wouldn't do that to anyone I consider a friend.

I think why this has been such an adjustment for us is that we've been married for 27 years and don't have any kids....thus we've always been able to come and go as we please.  When that stopped, it stopped suddenly.  Again, I liken it to being under house arrest.

Thanks again all.  It's appreciated.   :)
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2016, 10:48:09 PM »
If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.

Hi Tom.....

That thought dawns on me often.....this, right now, is as good as it gets.  Thus far, she can still walk herself to the bathroom and back without help.....but for how much longer?  When she can't do that alone anymore, it will be an instant decision maker.  I wouldn't expect my wife to help with that in a million years, and it would be way too awkward for me.  At that point, she goes in a home period....even if I have to get social services involved. 

I would visit her often....I'm not one of those kids that dumps an aging parent off at a nursing home and forgets them.  When mom moves to the great beyond, my conscience will be clear. 
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

TravlinOn

  • ---
  • Posts: 175
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2016, 07:53:26 AM »
Fritz, you are getting some good advice here, and if nothing else, you are getting a good opportunity to vent and to sort through your thoughts vs feelings. 

For many years, I managed Retirement Communities, Assisted Living, Nursing Homes, and Home Health.  During that time, I met with families who were trying to work through similar, never exactly the same, types of problems as those that you are trying to resolve; plus, my own family has had both successes and failures and guilt issues.  There is never one perfect solution.  Here are some thoughts.

1.  The odds are that your Mother will never change her mind about going into a "home (by whatever the name).  For many if not most people, going into a "home" means giving up on "life" and entering the first stage of "death" from which never to return - a hard decision to face.

2.  Trying to become her legal guardian is definitely a good idea and if you are successful that would ease getting your future decisions accomplished, but if she just happens to be lucid if front of a social worker, or Judge, while she pushes for her desires in the matter, or if your sibling(s) decide to go against you, then - well, who knows?

3.  One possibility is wait until an accident or illness requires that she go into a nursing/rehab facility.  She might be more easily convinced at that time.  Find the best one with a reputation for great personal care (ask around), then leave her there ongoing.  Most doctors can assist with a legitimate prognosis with the problems she is apparently having.

4.  Another possibility is to expand your use of home health assistance to short-term 24/7 for long enough for you to get away.  This option will be very expensive, but expense can be adjusted to available funds.  Again, ask around for a reputable home health service.  Make sure that the Agency actually checks out the criminal backgrounds for all their aides.  Ask the agency if they have any customers who are willing to provide references for the particular aides who will be assigned.  Ask how often an agency nurse or social worker will visit with your Mother.  <-- This might not happen in a very short term arrangement.

5.  Get a safety deposit box, outside the house, and lock up all check books, cash, and jewelry while you are gone.  Call home frequently and try to sort out what is true "I'm getting beat up daily!" from the daily "I'm soooo miserable!" comments.

6.  Remember that if you think that abuse is really occurring, you should immediately report it to your state's local Elderly Abuse line.

Doing all the above might assuage some of your guilt feelings, but in any case, remember that "tough love" can be best for both you and for your Mother.

Just my thoughts and certainly not guaranteed to be sane or reasonable for all situations.  Good luck!





2015 F350 SuperDuty, Diesel, 4x4, Dually, LB, MORryde Pin Box, Reese Elite
2010 Keystone Montana 3400RL

SeilerBird

  • ---
  • Posts: 11005
  • Everything I state is my opinion.
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #17 on: September 15, 2016, 08:28:23 AM »
Doing all the above might assuage some of your guilt feelings, but in any case, remember that "tough love" can be best for both you and for your Mother.
You hit the nail on the head TravlinOn.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
My new Pixel camera:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/rMSw5eVkCfKuuEOP2
My portfolio:
https://goo.gl/photos/Cx4SaYhGfYFShSty7
My Grand Canyon shots:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/Nc1AT8tQp25wJwfm1

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2016, 01:46:07 AM »
For many if not most people, going into a "home" means giving up on "life" and entering the first stage of "death" from which never to return - a hard decision to face.

You are 100% correct.  And that makes perfect sense.

My sis texted me again and says her retirement is tentatively set for November, and that she will take Mom then (Keep in mind I've heard this same promise 5 or 6 times now).  I really wish she would....not just to give the wife and I a rest, but for the simple fact that she hasn't spent much time with mom in the last 30 years....and if she wants to, that window is closing.  Mom is 82, and her health isn't great, and she misses both of my siblings a lot.  That's part of what grinds my gears about the whole situation....she continually pines for their attention, and neither has made much effort to be with her.

Sis lives back east....so this isn't a day in the car and she's here.  If this actually happens, I'll have to fly out to WV with mom.  There is no way she can navigate large airports alone.  If the situation was reversed, I would fly out and get mom and bring her home with me.  I guess that's my biggest character flaw....I continually expect people to act with the same concern I would...and I'm continually disappointed when they don't.

Anyhow, thanks all for the kind words and for sharing some wisdom.  I'm soaking it all in.....
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

Pugapooh

  • ---
  • Posts: 357
  • Wanna buy a truck?
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2016, 02:19:11 AM »
My sympathies on your situation.  Just some thoughts.

Talk to a lawyer about your options.

Consider finding a place now so that you don't have to do it when the crisis comes. 

It's much easier to rely on a whole staff of a facility than one or two in-home caregivers.

Honestly,it sounds like your siblings are more than happy to let you do it all.  Don't try,you can't and you don't have to. 

Sounds like the RV is still a little retreat,don't sell it!

Best wishes
2006 Dutchmen Denali 29 RL fiver
2006 Dodge 2500 Big Horn
2001 GMC Sierra 3500
1996 Dodge Ram 1500

sadixon49

  • ---
  • Posts: 281
  • Fishers, Indiana
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2016, 01:40:34 PM »
Sorry I can't offer much useful advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. I do know about looking out the window at the RV in the drive and wishing we could go somewhere. We bought our RV in January and my MIL went into hospice within a week. DRs said 6 months to live, 9 mos. ago. I don't really want her to go, but the strain on the family is hard to deal with.
steve
2017 Jayco Redhawk 26XD
E-450 Ford, 6.8 V-10
EEZRV TPMS

retiredcajunlady

  • ---
  • Posts: 51
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #21 on: September 17, 2016, 04:58:20 PM »
I am so sorry for your life situation right now.  I have been where you are...along with my siblings.  One of the hardest things life can hand any of us is to have to become the "responsible adult" in a child/parent relationship.  My advice?  As hard as it will be, you have to stop thinking like the child now. You are her son, but you have to be the adult in the relationship. 
Schedule a talk with your mom's primary care giver so you can fully understand just where your mom is physically and mentally.  Is she still able to make decisions for herself?  If not, someone will have to be appointed to do this for her.  See a lawyer on your mom's behalf and your own.  This is so very important, especially as time goes by.
As much as we want to believe that no family member would ever take financially from your mom, it could happen.  You want to make sure her assets are used for her and her alone until she passes.  In later years this will be really important unless you have unlimited assets to use for her care.  You mention SS.  Was your father a veteran?  If so, she may be eligible for widow's benefits.  Find out what you need to apply for them and do so.  It takes a while for paperwork, so the sooner you do this, the better.  The lawyer MAY be able to help. 
Assisted living (which my mom lived in until she passed) is more for those who don't have cognition problems or serious physical issues.  Most usually have limited medical care available.  And the cost comes out of pocket has they aren't regulated strictly like nursing homes are.  My mom didn't like living there but she wasn't happy at home either.  My brother and I were still working and couldn't be there 24/, but we did each visit daily to just visit and see how she was doing.  We were in the minority.  Most families just visited each week or so.
I am not nor would I ever suggest that you neglect your mom in any way, but keeping her with you and your family may not be the best situation for any of you.  We all love(d) our parents and we all want to do what is best for them.  But you have others to think of at this time.  And you have yourself to think of too.  Ask yourself:  Would continuing to keep your mom at home truly benefit her mentally and physically?  Would this situation benefiting you and your wife?  Does she truly need more care than you can give? 
Y'all are in tough place...one of the toughest.  By all means get input from your siblings, but do talk with professionals.  They can give you the best guidance.  Good luck and God bless you all.
H.

Jomo

  • ---
  • Posts: 82
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2016, 06:20:41 PM »
I am in a similar situation with my mom right now.  Please keep in mind, assisted living is not a nursing home.  She would have her own apartment, meet many people in similar shape for meals and activities and hopefully make friends and eventually will start to enjoy it, create new memories and actually have some fun.  Several of my friends who have gone through this said their mom never looked back and found great relief with it.

Don't sell it.  Don't give up your dreams.

Good luck!!
Jo & Jim
2007 Gulfstream Friendship 41' DP
2012 Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland Summit
Full time since June 2016
Home Base- Traverse City MI

PatStab

  • ---
  • Posts: 99
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2016, 09:27:38 PM »
My MIL threw a fit, she has dementia, mainly just not remembering anything.  Lost keys, didn't eat, thought she
had, started thinking people were stealing, her sister who lived behind her got her started on that.

My husband decided she needed to go to assisted living, she called him everything but good, bad part is her
sister who lived behind her is worse off, she went first.  I had both of them last year plus DD and was a crazy
woman.  The first one we put her in didn't work, she tried to leave, the second is good, has push button keyed
exit and she can't remember the codes.  They are even posted by the door.

At first she hated it, was going to go home every time we went there, oh she and sister are both there.  She
has an apartment though we are going to move her to a studio.  She had enough savings the first year plus
SS to pay it but her health insurance is expensive from the union so move her soon we are.  It will be just
down the hall.

By the way, if her husband was a veteran and served even 1 day during war time you can get benefits to help
pay it.  The cannot have assets over $80k, was a 3 year look back is to be 5, may already be now.  They figure
up total income and total expenses, but max they can get a month is $1149, that's what MIL gets.  It took me
almost a year to get benefits started.  Now we are waiting for retroactive pay.  Once she gets that and moves
into the studio we are only adding about $200 a month.  However she requires extra help for bathing, we get
her hair done weekly, and laundry done so adds to the cost.  Eventually when she goes up to more levels
of care we will have to move her to an efficiency, that's what her sister is in now.  But she won't go to the
shower in the hall and washes in the sink, told hubby we would have the same issue so the studio.

You might find she really likes it, they have people to commiserate with their illness and can talk to them.
The routine and good food has helped them both, they are holding their own, her sister is much happier then
MIL, but still MIL is doing well.  Hubby goes and sees her several times a week, its only about 12 miles from
us and its working well.

You may not want to do it, but you might find it improves her life as well as yours.  If she is resistant and we
know as MIL gets worse we will need guardianship.  We went ahead and got it as the assisted living place
said they could not keep her against her will if she really pushed it.  Guardianship costs about $2k, figure
its pretty much the same anywhere.

If I can be of any help just ask, we have been through it with her and also with our mentally challenged daughter
so sadly, am fairly well versed in this.

Live your life, its to short and there are very good places, if the first doesn't work try another.  Good luck and
don't sell your dream.

PatStab

  • ---
  • Posts: 99
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2016, 06:51:11 AM »
Forgot to add, most of the folks there are doing well, some are minor memory
issues, most are physically ill.  We really like the one MIL is in, its employee owned
and they are really good to the folks there.  A busy schedule if you want to partake
of it.

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #25 on: September 24, 2016, 01:51:55 PM »
Thanks to all for the kind words of wisdom.  Know it is appreciated.

2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

GA_Boy

  • ---
  • Posts: 158
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2016, 09:11:17 PM »
Hi Friz - I agree you are in a tough situation. My advice is to agree with the above two posters. It is time to put her in a home no matter what she says. I realize she is your mother but enough is enough. You have your own life to live and you should not allow her to ruin yours just because she is your mother. If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.
I totally agree. A rest home is best for all.  My 102 yr old Sister was recently placed in a home and she loves it--making new friends, etc.
Marvin

kenvb

  • ---
  • Posts: 47
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2016, 09:31:20 PM »
no to selling RV   we also have a 86 yr old mother..smokes pack a day.drinks half bottle of wine..walks to town 4 blocks for mail and lunch every second day.smart as a whip.remembers everything.she asked last February is she could move in with us .she refuses to move into a lodge full of OLD people with rules and only one room,her little house has 4 and she has a big load of stuff.so we bought this monster 34 ft RV for her to use this summer. i built a ramp thats easy for her to get into it. then spent a week here and decided NOPE.. wants to go back to her home..so we are back to square one..with a 34 ft class a in our back yard.so instead of selling it, we are selling our 26 ft trailer and going to restore this old diesal pusher.   
« Last Edit: September 26, 2016, 02:39:49 AM by scottydl »
what goes around,comes around!

Alpena Jeff

  • ---
  • Posts: 252
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #28 on: September 26, 2016, 07:28:33 AM »
I am in a similar situation with my mom right now.  Please keep in mind, assisted living is not a nursing home.  She would have her own apartment, meet many people in similar shape for meals and activities and hopefully make friends and eventually will start to enjoy it, create new memories and actually have some fun.  Several of my friends who have gone through this said their mom never looked back and found great relief with it.

Don't sell it.  Don't give up your dreams.

Good luck!!
We just went through this with mom in March. Dad passed 3 years ago, I have 2 siblings. We are a tight, religious family and all jump in to help. We placed mom in assisted living after much debate she decided to give it a go, just don't sell her house! Well, we got the ok to sell the house. She loves it! So many activities, lunch and dinner provided daily with an in house chef. My siblings are both within an hour and I'm 4 hours away. They visit once a week minimum and once a month for me.
It can work if you can convince her to give it a go. No contracts at our place,you can bail if it doesn't work.
Best of luck, Jeff
Jeff & Judy
2016 Newmar Ventana 3427
Cummings ISBXT turbo 6.7L 360HP
Allison 3000MH
2018 Canyon All Terrain toad
"Official" snowbird!
Retired to "the lake" in north Michigan
Preachers kid since day one!

Frankedj

  • ---
  • Posts: 117
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #29 on: September 26, 2016, 08:05:15 AM »
Your roles are now reversed from when she was your caregiver.

Now you have to be the one that makes the tough decisions for her well being and your own.

Being a 24/7 end of life caregiver is extremely difficult to do on your own and it only gets harder. Get as much help as possible as you taking on the brunt of all the weight will pull you down.

Do not give up on your RV because you will probably need it to be you again afterwards. Keep on doing your maintenance on it as you have been doing.

If the funds get down so low that you have to consider selling the RV, then it is time to put the cards on the table and make the rule that Mom has to either contribute to the household or she has to go into an assisted living facility. Let her make her choice between the two. Stand your ground too. I have been 24/7 caregiver for a person that was as you described your Mom. The words I used to use to describe him are rude, loudmouthed, overbearing, obnoxious. He had alienated everyone except for me.
1988 HR Imperial 33'
700 watts Renogy Mono solar panels
Tri-Star 60A PWM Solar Controller
Magnum MS2012-15B Pure Sine Inv.
Wireless remote solar tilt
TM-2030RV-F TriMetric Battery Monitor
Six Crown 6CRV220 AGM batteries with 4/0 cables
1,000+ watt 14 cabinet tri-amped sound system w/30 band EQ

JX2Fields

  • ---
  • Posts: 59
  • Northern California
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #30 on: September 26, 2016, 08:10:13 AM »
 My wife's mother is 92 she lives alone, right across the field from our house and up until March of this year she drove. My wife then had DMV pull her license and so now with no transportation we had to arrange for her to get to her weekly bingo game, Dr appointments and grocery, plus check on her everyday make sure she is taking her pills, her phone is not off the hook and her tv is working right. My wife's sister takes her so that helps but still it takes and hour or so a day and ties you down. We also have an rv sitting in the drive way, but what we have done is made arrangement for a lady to come in and check on her twice a day while we are gone for the next two weeks. Next summer my Wife's sister and husband want to join on a trip to Alaska so we will have to fine someone to stay with Mother the whole time we are gone. We have mentioned assisted living and look at the same people everyday no thank you, this is a person who sit in her chair 24 hours a day other than bathroom runs and getting something to eat and watches tv. We use to take her with us but she got to weak to get in the pickup or up the stairs  so now we can't.
 Don't sell  when you want to travel either get your siblings to take her or get someone in to watch her. Take over her finances and make her pay her way. Like my wife said the other day after her sister could not take her mother to bingo and the lady that usually does couldn't ,so she got mad a drover herself ( no license, no insurance ) 30 miles to bingo, I can now understand  how elder abuse happens. Maybe this is all pay back for when we were teenagers LOL.
 
John & Judy
2015 Keystone cougar 29RLI
2006 comfort trailblazer moved up in 2015
2013 F 250 crewcab
2 English Springer Spaniels

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #31 on: September 30, 2016, 09:25:14 PM »
One of Mom's main issues is that she has (intentionally) isolated herself from everyone but family (and family isn't responding, so that means the wife and I).  She was socially very active when she was young, but about 15 years ago, she started withdrawing from her friends....who one by one, started dying off.  When we moved her to El Paso in 2007, she had her own place.....lots of her older neighbors tried to be her friend, but she essentially drove them all away.  She talks incessantly and is very opinionated...and can get nasty when people don't agree with her.  Not conducive to having friends.....

When she was in the rehab center for 6 weeks after her bout with pneumonia, lots of the residents tried to be friends with her.  She would associate with them to the extent that she had to, but didn't really want anything to do with them either.  If she was to go into assisted living, she would lock herself in the apartment all day.

Basically what she wants is us to spend every minute of our free time entertaining her.  We, of course, don't do that....and she spends a lot of time sleeping and planted in front of the boob tube watching Fox News all day.  I'm sure she's sad and depressed that things aren't how she wants them, but at what point is that no longer my problem?  In a nutshell, she wants to be with my older brother, and he won't give her the time of day (unless he needs something, of course). 

My older sis is now saying she will take her some time in November.  I've heard this song and dance 5 or 6 times now, not holding my breath.  I would be completely open to all three of us sharing in her care...we could take her for 6 month intervals and rotate who has her....but again, it takes three to tango in this case, and that isn't going to happen.

I bought a few goodies for the truck, and I'm going to do the same for the RV....keep my interest kindled for the meantime.  By next summer, it will be three years since the wife and I have had a vacation.  We're taking one, and we don't care who it harelips.  If Mom is still here and has to go into respite care, she will be drug kicking and screaming if necessary.

Thanks again to all for listening to my tale of woe.
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

PatStab

  • ---
  • Posts: 99
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #32 on: September 30, 2016, 11:12:17 PM »
Well, there comes a time unless you give up your life.  MIL is similar she isn't going to make friends
and stuff, but her sister and her are in the same place.  She still isn't happy at times, but she is better
off there.  More active, people to take care of her, she is eating 100 times better then at home and
we have a life.

There is help out there, it is expensive, our assisted living costs $135 a day for respite care, but hey
it lets you have a life.  We are thinking of bringing our mentally challenged daughter back home its
not working out.  But we intend to make use of respite often as we need to.

Good luck, they will end up happier then you think they will or not.  But its what those places are
for, hope I have enough sense to willingly go when I need to also.


Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #33 on: October 01, 2016, 12:13:17 AM »
But its what those places are
for, hope I have enough sense to willingly go when I need to also.

Funny you should mention that....I remember mom saying something similar 30 years ago how she "didn't want to be a burden to her family".  Now she says the thought of going into assisted living "absolutely panics her".  She DOES understand the difference between assisted living and a nursing home.....she just doesn't want to spend the money on it.  She wants to live with us, save her money, and leave it to my brother....the same brother that hasn't been out to see her in 7 years.

Finances:  It's a non-issue.  Her entire net worth is under $50K, and when she moves to the great beyond, my sibs are welcome to it.  The wife and I were successful and moderately frugal over the years....it wouldn't make a difference in our lives one way or the other.  My sis is in the same boat....career person that did well.  My brother, on the other hand, couldn't hang on to a dollar if his life depended on it.  He will be here (or somewhere) with his hand out before she's even cold.  One more reason I'd like to see all her money spent on her care....just so there's nothing left for him.  Petty of me, isn't it?

2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

jackiemac

  • Forum Staff
  • ---
  • *
  • Posts: 1460
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #34 on: October 01, 2016, 12:15:42 AM »
My advice is similar to others and I'm glad you are determined to take time for yourselves next year. If you don't you might end up resentful and that is not good for anyone. My friend had lots of issues and eventually her mum went into a care home in the UK and whilst she doesn't love it she realises it's best for everyone. Good luck.
Jackie n Steve - Happy Scottish Travellers

2017 Heartland Sundance 288rls
2016 Dodge Ram 2500 6.4L Hemi

Home in Scotland eagerly awaiting next trip!

wincom6

  • ---
  • Posts: 256
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #35 on: October 01, 2016, 07:36:57 AM »
We have a lot in common, I had to leave El Paso and return to Pittsburgh to take care of my mother.  My brother and sister were useless.  I too am married to a saint, my wife and I took care of her mother until her passing at 95 and we had a few years until my mother had to move in with us. My cousin would keep my mother for a week or 2 and we used respite care so we could get away.  We could take my mother with us because she could relax in the motorhome. (this may be an alternative for you) We took her to the ocean (see pix) and to some places that she could enjoy.  Iím not saying it is easy but in our case it was possible.  Some things my mother would say I had to over look, like saying if she had a million dollars she would give it all to Ray (my brother)  I visited her more when I lived in El Paso than he did and he lived less that 30 miles away. My mother passed last September and I can say that my wife and I did our duty and can feel good about taking care of both of them.
U.S. Army Veteran
2008 Providence
2013 Chevy Equinox
Pittsburgh, PA
"Congressional term limits in my lifetime."

Alpena Jeff

  • ---
  • Posts: 252
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #36 on: October 27, 2016, 04:23:16 PM »
We just went through this with mom in March. Dad passed 3 years ago, I have 2 siblings. We are a tight, religious family and all jump in to help. We placed mom in assisted living after much debate she decided to give it a go, just don't sell her house! Well, we got the ok to sell the house. She loves it! So many activities, lunch and dinner provided daily with an in house chef. My siblings are both within an hour and I'm 4 hours away. They visit once a week minimum and once a month for me.
It can work if you can convince her to give it a go. No contracts at our place,you can bail if it doesn't work.
Best of luck, Jeff
Frizlefrak, I'm quoting myself, I know.
Mom passed last Sunday, funeral this Monday. As a side note my wife's dad passed the Sunday before. Yup, 2 in a week. My siblings and I sat with her nonstop the last week of her life. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. It sounds like you are manning up and no matter how it goes down, you will be able to sleep nights when the end comes. You are a good man! God bless you.
Jeff & Judy
2016 Newmar Ventana 3427
Cummings ISBXT turbo 6.7L 360HP
Allison 3000MH
2018 Canyon All Terrain toad
"Official" snowbird!
Retired to "the lake" in north Michigan
Preachers kid since day one!

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #37 on: October 29, 2016, 12:12:35 PM »
Frizlefrak, I'm quoting myself, I know.
Mom passed last Sunday, funeral this Monday. As a side note my wife's dad passed the Sunday before. Yup, 2 in a week. My siblings and I sat with her nonstop the last week of her life. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. It sounds like you are manning up and no matter how it goes down, you will be able to sleep nights when the end comes. You are a good man! God bless you.

Thank you my brother....and I am so sorry for your loss. :'(
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

JudyJB

  • ---
  • Posts: 953
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #38 on: October 29, 2016, 12:45:04 PM »
This post is a big old, but I hope some of you still look at it.  My mother has passed away, and she was not as difficult as some of your situations, but difficult enough.  I found this book very helpful:  https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent-ebook/dp/B0053K290Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1477762920&sr=1-1&keywords=dealing+with+your+difficult+older+parent

It was recommended to be by the dementia support group I attended.  After my mother died, I gave it to my kids for when I got difficult.

Also, remember that even minor dementia causes personality changes, so whoever said it was likely going to get worse is right.  My mother ended up in memory care instead of assisted living because dementia got worse.  A person may not seem to have dementia right now, but sometimes it is hidden.

And finally, do look around for nursing homes right now before you need it for your mother. (I warn you that it will be depressing.)  And put your name on waiting lists, even if you think you will not need it for a couple of years.  The best nursing homes, especially the ones taking Medicaid, have long waiting lists, but the end up sometimes not being so long because people change their minds or die before they need the service.

I took care of my mother for the last 20 years of her life--in her home, in my home, in a senior apartment, in memory care, and finally in a Medicaid nursing home for a couple of months, and I am proud that I spent every last penny she had doing it.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2016, 12:59:50 PM by JudyJB »
Full-timing for over five years in a
2012 Fleetwood Tioga Ranger 31N

Roadhappy

  • ---
  • Posts: 428
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #39 on: November 01, 2016, 03:10:26 AM »
My cousin flew in to take care of my uncle before he died.  Of course they told her it would only be a couple of weeks and she ended up staying for 7 months in his home to care for him.  She could not talk him into a nursing home or going home with her no matter how much she tried.  He wanted to die at home.  She had to fly back to her home state for a doctors appointment so she got his doctor to get him into a nursing home for the 5 days she was gone.  Did not know they could do short term stays but it did happen.  We would visit him and tell him only a few more days and he seemed to do okay.  You could see if this is an option for your mom.  As long as she knows you're coming to get her she would be fine especially if she didn't have a say so.

Robin
Robin & Charles
2008 30' Crossroads Cruiser Fifthwheel
2008 F250 Powerstroke

Dreamsend

  • ---
  • Posts: 158
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #40 on: November 02, 2016, 09:17:49 PM »
I hope I can offer some hopeful, helpful thoughts on this issue.  My Mom is 98, now in the late stage of dementia and spent her life's savings (made all on her own) on 3 years of assisted living at ~$4000/mo. Just this week I had to move her to a nursing home so Medicaid could take over her care.  She also wanted me to inherit and was initially most distressed about paying a "home for old folks".  I'm her only family and the journey of her failing cognition has not been pleasant and it is NOT pleasant for anyone who must deal with the plethora of issues involved.  I'll try to be organized.

1.  Who has your Mom's durable power of attorney?  If you do that's great because it certainly sounds like you should as opposed to the siblings.  It must include power to make healthcare decisions.  I can't stress this enough.  You are headed for 100+ situations where you must make decisions on behalf of your Mom's welfare and the only way to do this is having power of attorney.  Just remember, you're doing it for her welfare, not for your ego.

Do not seek guardianship unless it is a last, last, last resort to get her the care she needs.  You will be entangled with the courts and forced to keep even the most mundane records of her life and have to file these with the courts. 

2.  If a medical doctor has not evaluated her to determine whether she needs 24 hour care, then that needs to happen.  Part of that eval is to administer tests to determine where she is cognitively.  Look up the MMSE test on the web to see an example.  From everything you describe, your Mom is showing indications of some form of dementia -- there are a 100 types, but only 4 can be accurately diagnosed without an autopsy.  Most people lump everyone into Alzheimer's, but that is incorrect and you must get professional, experienced, trained people involved in her care because they have procedures and methods for communicating with our elderly loved ones that makes life easier for everyone.  Once a doctor SAID my Mom needed 24 hour medical care, she no longer was adverse to moving to AL. (At age 95).  Some may well conclude that I'm making a huge unfounded assumption here, but the symptoms are there and I've seen it begin like this many times with friends' parents.  I apologize if I'm out of line.

3.  I have to respectfully disagree with posters suggesting you bring someone in for help so that you can get away.  It is well documented that dementia patients DO NOT react at all well to changes in routine or in their environments.  A stranger could mean disaster.  Are they actually equipped to deal with your Mom's quirks and problems?  I am pretty certain your Mom's problems are more cognitively complex than you realize, and the disease is causing her distress that her brain no longer can rationalize or deal with.  A stranger can not compensate for that.

4.  Dementia is a disease and it manifests differently in each person and is complicated more so because of different individual personality traits. It is progressive and incurable.  There are some typical signs however and it seems to me from your post that your Mom may be showing some indications.  Except for the professionals in AL, nursing homes, hospice facilities, none of us are equipped to deal with it.  I've walked all the stages, taking over finances, paid the bills, done the laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, making the doc. appt., been chauffeur, filled the pill boxes, etc. so she could remain independent.  But eventually she needed a routine, stable environment with help from people who knew how to minimize her growing anxiety and to redirect her thinking.  Did I feel guilty I couldn't do more?  You betcha.  But I couldn't/can't beat that disease, just like thousands of other caring kids can't beat it to save their parents.  Getting her the support and care she needs from people who understand how to deal with the dementia beast is in her best interest.  Dementia IS NOT a mental disease as in "crazy" (an awful term).  In one respect, it is no different than kidney failure, or a wacky heart, or bad pancreas (diabetes) -- the organ involved is just the brain instead.  But it is much more insidious and much harder to deal with because of what it does to a person and their relationships and interactions with others.

5.  Get in touch with your state's local Council on Aging.  In Indiana, it's called CICOA.  They serve as a clearing house for all support and programs for the elderly.  You will find many useful resources from caregiver support to facility reviews and hopefully free access to an Elder Law Attorney.  My advice is you seek counsel from an ELA as there are financial steps you need to make sure are in place to ensure your Mom's continuing care.  I only advise this because of the reference to $$ and the sibling. Is your Mom's funeral and burial prepaid?  From her resources?  You gotta make sure she doesn't gift anything to anyone, including charities, (varies by state) or her future care could be jeopardized.  An ELA advisor is likely essential cause various requirements are very complex and you want to make sure things are the best for your Mom.

You may also connect with folks who can give you advice on how better to influence your Mom and her decisions.  If dementia is present, even in early stages, rational arguments won't work anymore.

6.  You are not alone.  I encourage you to do some web searching -- "caring for elderly" or "what is dementia" or "elderly Mom".  You'll find millions of entries.  My hope is that you'll find information pertinent to your Mom's situation and that will help you make decisions for your and your family's welfare.  So many, many people including me have been right where you are-- struggling with guilt and always worrying about what is the best thing to do for Mom, for your wife, for yourself etc.  In the end, it almost always means living in a full-time care facility.  And lest you think you are relinquishing responsibility should you decide AL is best for your Mom, I assure you, you are not.  You will still find that managing her care IN a facility will likely still qualify as a part-time job.  You will still be involved with many many things that need doing for her.  But, you just may be able to take that rig out knowing that she is comfortable and cared for. 

I hope I have not overstepped the boundaries by making these suggestions and also making some conclusions based on your original post.  But your experiences mirror my own and those of numerous close friends who either have or are currently going through the same issues due to dementia.  It is more than difficult to experience this, but help is available to improve things.  In the end, do your best, and leave God the rest.   And, remember, your best includes taking care of your own health and welfare as a priority now and then as well.

Linda




Linda with kitty Sarah
2017 Ford F250 Lariat aka Gypsy Rose

Frizlefrak

  • ---
  • Posts: 3575
  • El Paso, Texas
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #41 on: November 03, 2016, 12:57:31 AM »


I hope I have not overstepped the boundaries by making these suggestions and also making some conclusions based on your original post.  But your experiences mirror my own and those of numerous close friends who either have or are currently going through the same issues due to dementia.  It is more than difficult to experience this, but help is available to improve things.  In the end, do your best, and leave God the rest.   And, remember, your best includes taking care of your own health and welfare as a priority now and then as well.

Linda

Linda....

First, thanks for taking the time to put everything down in writing.  I know that took some effort.  Second, you are not overstepping any boundaries.  You have no idea how much I appreciate you sharing your experiences....and events of the last week have solidified my belief that you are correct in your analysis of my mom.

A couple of developments the last week.  The wife and I have been trying to sneak out for "date night" at least once every couple of weeks.  We've managed a few nice dinners out, drinks and a movie, and a concert.  All of which went off with no issues.  So on a whim, we decided to try a day trip....somewhere close, gone 8 hours.  Mom was asleep when we left, so we didn't wake her.  We went up to Cloudcroft NM....about 100 miles away and had lunch.   Drove around up in the forest and enjoyed the scenery.  Left at 10:00 AM, back at 6:00 PM.  Had a great day....until we walked in the front door. 

Mom was in bed and yelling that she needed to discuss something with me immediately.  Apparently, we weren't gone 30 minutes and she fell.  She wasn't seriously hurt, just a bit sore, but she was livid with us for leaving and not telling her.  With all the composure I could muster, I informed her that I'm not under any obligation to ask permission to come and go, and that the wife and I needed to get out of the house a bit.  I'll spare the details, but the conversation culminated in me telling her that I'm going to hire someone to come and check on her so we can get away for a bit.  She once again became agitated and told me she "didn't need a babysitter".  I pointed to where she had taken a tumble and said "apparently you do".  NOT the brightest response from me....but it was out before I could reel it in.  We talked the next day, and she (albeit reluctantly) agreed to having a service come in and check on her.  Crisis averted.

So Monday I get home from work and the wife is handing out Halloween candy in the driveway.  She said she had to move it out there because Mom kept getting into the candy and had eaten several of the small candy bars....she's diabetic with little exercise....big no-no.  But that wasn't the worst of it.  I go in the house, and it absolutely reeks inside of something burnt.  Mom had put some pizza rolls in the microwave.....and evidently read the wrong set of instructions.  Instead of 90 seconds for microwaving, she put them on for 9 minutes (oven time).  The box was a charred mess.  Wife was in the shower when it happened....got out...house is full of smoke.  Microwave is a built in....could have been catastrophic.  So now I'm rethinking the getting away for a couple days even with someone checking in on her.  I don't want to come home to a pile of ashes...especially one she couldn't get out of.

So there's my update on my tale of woe.  Thanks to all for the words of wisdom and just hearing me out.
2014 Ram 2500 Cummins
2012 Palomino 30' TT

PatStab

  • ---
  • Posts: 99
Re: The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....
« Reply #42 on: November 07, 2016, 12:56:16 AM »
You need to do something.  But let me tell you a POA is not going to be enough, they can decide
to rescind it and then you are stuck, we have been through this.

We got guardianship of my MIL, yes I have to keep records and do all the reports and we are in
Indiana. That doesn't just happen overnight, the attorney had to sit up a court date, the person
has to be notified in writing and unless a doctor says it would put her over an emotional edge, she
will attend.  We also had to get a doc to fill out forms saying she had dementia.  The assisted
living told us if she became very adamant that she was leaving without it there was nothing they
could do.  We had to move her from one that was not secure because they
caught her trying to walk away outside twice.  Until we could find another place with coded doors
we had to hire a sitter at night.  With the coded doors and even with the numbers posted inside
she can't figure out how to get out, thankfully.

We figured she would fight the hearing all the way but that day she was rather calm.  It went pretty
good, but her main concern, did this mean we could tell her what to do.  My husband told her yes
it does because she could no longer live on her own.

This took several months.  Then cost, she has been there a year and run through a lot of her money,
I filed for VA benefits over a year ago and she just got it in Sept, she still has not received the back
pay.  We moved her to a smaller apartment for less money, there is still a shortfall but the back pay
will take care of her for several years.  They cannot have assets over $80k and now the lookback for
giving money away is 5 years I believe, for her it was 3.  For Medicaid it is 5 also, but we are not
there yet.

I would start whatever you are going to do soon, sounds like its not safe for her to be on her own.  Sadly
this is part of all of us living so long anymore, figure my turn is coming one day also.

Good luck, and get your ducks in a row and plan for your life too.  Guardianship here costs $2000 or so
and we had to do it for our DD also.  But it helps you to keep them safe.


 

Hosted by Over The Network