The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....

The friendliest place on the web for anyone with an RV or an interest in RVing!
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.

Frizlefrak

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 30, 2012
Posts
3,779
Location
El Paso, Texas
Sometimes life throws you a curveball.....

Here's the Reader's Digest condensed version:  My mom is 82.  In early March, she got pneumonia and was hospitalized, and then spent 6 weeks in a rehab facility that she absolutely hated.  She can't live alone anymore...very limited mobility, weak, needs a walker, and starting to fall a lot....you get the picture.  My "siblings" have both essentially thrown their hands up in the air and told me it's my problem, so she has lived with us since April. If I mention the words "assisted living" she goes into a frenzy...doesn't want to spend the last of her cash on that....wants to leave it to my brother that hasn't been to see her in 7 years and calls her twice a year if he isn't too busy (do I sound bitter?  Sorry).  I can afford to pay a portion of the cost of her assisted living, and her SS and pension would make up the rest, but she wants to live with us and stash away her monthly pension and social security so she can.....wait for it.....leave it to my brother.  She doesn't admit that....but she pines for his attention....not tough to figure out.  But I digress.

My sis was supposed to retire from the govt this year and take her....which she has put mom off month by month for the last year.....kinda like Lucy yanking the football away from Charlie Brown.  I've given up on it happening.  I even went back to work this year, as having her is costing us more.  Wifey is retired and stays home with her (God I married a great woman)....we have a woman come in 3 times a week to help Mom bathe. 

So this whole summer, the RV sat in my driveway.  We can't take her with us camping (she can't climb the stairs or get in the truck), and even if we could, what would be the point?  She's cranky, needy, talks incessantly, and has a hair trigger for butt hurt.  Wouldn't exactly be relaxing for us.  So basically, I have almost $80,000 worth of equipment sitting idle....I drive the truck a couple times a week to keep it healthy, but that's a lot of truck that isn't getting used for what it was intended. 

I would miss the truck and trailer more than I can express.  Summer is almost over, and it's a write off.  Someone please talk me out of selling it.....and if you have any ideas, I'm all ears.    :-\
 
Frizlefrak said:
I would miss the truck and trailer more than I can express. 

NO ! NO ! NO !
The above says it all.
I don't know what the family financial situation is, and you're smart enough to not post it here.
I'd see an elder care attorney and get your options that don't break the bank, and get's this monkey off your back.
Friz... On a selfish note, you'd be missed....
 
I know it seems like real tough times right now but just remember one thing, you only have one Mom. Once she's gone, it's for good. I wish my Mom and Dad were still around. This year for the most part is over with. Winterize it and put it to bed for the winter. Wait to see what happens next spring.
 
  To be direct and to the point..please forgive...

  I doesn't sound like she's real lucid. You need to look into doing a legal guardianship and any relative who disagrees just volunteered. See your attorney. It isn't any fun but often it's something that just has to be done.

  Your rig can sit in the driveway for a year or however long. Don't sell it and you don't want to think of your mother as "the reason you had to sell it."  You can, and should, have someone stay with her for the occasional weekend and go camping. Starting sooner rather than later.

  This may be a rugged time. Do what's right for your mother, not necesarily what she wants and certainly not what relatives may want, just what's right.
 
I know how the original post must have sounded.....she's my mom, and I love her.  I will miss her when she's gone.  But this summer has felt like we were under house arrest.  We can't leave her unattended for more than a couple of hours.  Wifey and I did manage to sneak out for a "date night" a couple weeks ago, but I have the feeling mom was upset about us not taking her.  Going away for even a weekend is absolutely out of the question.  I haven't been out of El Paso since last November, and I'm getting cabin fever. 

At the root of my unhappiness over the whole situation is the fact that for the last 20 years, the wife and I have essentially had to help her out continually while my siblings didn't lift a finger....and she makes excuses for them.  Mom is the culmination of a lifetime of poor decision making, and it has all come home to roost.  The mobility and falling problem stems from the fact that after she retired in 1995, she essentially stopped any form of exercise.  Now in her early 80's, the walking involved in just going out to eat absolutely wears her out, and she has zero leg strength.  She refuses to exercise whatsoever, and here we are.

The trailer is still pickled from last year.  I go in once a week, crank up the A/C, turn on the TV, and drink a beer.  I run the slide and awning out to keep them working.  This winter I will recaulk the roof seams and repack the wheel bearings.  I just get the feeling that mom may be with us for the long haul, and that this won't be the last summer it sits....and sits.....and sits.....


 
johnhicks said:
  You can, and should, have someone stay with her for the occasional weekend and go camping. Starting sooner rather than later.

Trust me....if there were anyone that could do that, we would.  Problem is two-fold....first, my friends all still work.  She would need someone there essentially 24/7.  Second....and again, I know how this will sound....but mom can be a very abrasive individual.  She has zero social filters, and often manages to offend and alienate people.  And she wouldn't be happy about us being gone, and would make whoever came to sit her miserable.

I could hire someone....but I'm not keen on the idea of a total stranger being in my house without us there.  No thanks.

I'm going to look into respite care if this drags on....and she will be dragged kicking and screaming if necessary.  By next summer, it will be three years since the wife and I had a real vacation.  I have the financial means to make it happen, it's just having mom throw a fit over it.  I will essentially have to turn off my phone once we drop her off. 

As for her lucidity....well, that varies on whether or not she is getting her way....but you essentially hit the nail on the head. 
 
This reminds me of the Bible story about the Prodigal son in Luke chapter 15.

Anyway, I agree with the suggestion to get someone to stay with her while you go, even if it's less often or for shorter trips  than you might ordinarily take out the TT (you have to live, after all).... and even if you have to hire it out since your deadbeat sibling won't pitch in.  Let her pay the cost for the hiring out, since it would be but only a small fraction of assisted living it should be reasonable.

Tough spot you're in.  Good luck.
 
Hi Frizlefrack,

Good! We want to be stuck with you!

I took care of my Mom (with the generous help of my wife) until she passed away. I was working then. My sister would come from clear across the country to relieve us once every year or 16 months. I even drove her out to my sister's house three times in six years (2005,2007,2009). She loved to ride and site seeing and the doctor said it was o.k. for her to make the trips.

You can get people like Hospice to sit in for a few days and get away. I agree you still have a stranger in the house but perhaps putting video in the house to monitor would offer help in keeping someone who might try to steal in check. I'd certainly find security for any and all valuables that you didn't want to disappear. They will know how to handle her in a responsible way. Sometimes elderly use their predicament to control their offspring. While your Mom is entitled to care, you are entitled to be able to get away for a little bit and enjoy yourselves.

You would have to contact legal advise, but I believe if you are taking care of an parent or relative, you can charge the estate a reasonable fee for time spent taking care of your Mom. You would need to keep clear records! Since your siblings aren't wanting to help or can't be bothered, I would bring this up (if it is possible) and maybe with the thought of not getting their $$ from the estate, might make them feel like taking care of their Mom who took care of them so many years ago.

I was fortunite my Mom was a kind hart and pretty easy to deal with. I could get her to do things that others couldn't seem to. You have of course a different situation. I think there is some sort of solution but you will have to explore those. Talk to some of the health care givers for some possible solutions and I think something will materialize that will help you both out.
 
I already had this typed but camperAL beat me to some of it...

It can't be easy to think about a "stranger" taking care of your mom and it's natural to worry about her offending her caregivers but there are agencies that specialize in elder care for difficult patients (dementia, Alzheimer's, etc.). Perhaps you can locate one and try day time care once or twice and then expand to a night or two?


You are certainly faced with personal decisions here but even if you cannot get a caregiver for overnight or long-term stays, think about keeping the RV - at least you would have a retreat to use (as you already have) when you need to "get away" for a while, even if it's only next to the house.

I wish you the best.


Edit - fixed some tiny print.
 
FrizzleFrak,

Having been there and done that, I speak from experience. There comes a time for tough love! My mom wasn't as difficult, but definitely did not want to enter a nursing home (by any name). I simply had to point out that my wife was going well beyond any reasonable expection and it had to stop. We found a nice nursing home and moved her! My wife actually took a job as activities director at the home for a couple of years (another great lady), but that wasn't part of the deal.

It worked out much better than she, or we, expected and pretty soon she was chasing "Homer" around the home. FOUR years  later she passed peacefully.

Take a stand!!

Ernie
 
Hi Friz - I agree you are in a tough situation. My advice is to agree with the above two posters. It is time to put her in a home no matter what she says. I realize she is your mother but enough is enough. You have your own life to live and you should not allow her to ruin yours just because she is your mother. If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.
 
I have to interject some humor into this - hopefully it will be appreciated and maybe it will make Friz smile. When I first met Kim (1986) I was, of course, getting to know her family. Her grandfather, Myron, was showing me a picture of him, his wife, and his mother from the 60's and telling stories. In 1950 his mother was 80 years old and her health was failing. The doctor said to Myron "You have to take her in. I know it's an inconvenience but she's 80, how long can she possibly live?". Then Myron continued with "25 years later..." You see, she did not leave them until 1975, just a few months shy of her 105th birthday!
 
  You are subsidizing your brother like or not. He does not sound like he deserves it or appreciates whats going on.>>>Dan
 
Joezeppy said:
I have to interject some humor into this - hopefully it will be appreciated and maybe it will make Friz smile. When I first met Kim (1986) I was, of course, getting to know her family. Her grandfather, Myron, was showing me a picture of him, his wife, and his mother from the 60's and telling stories. In 1950 his mother was 80 years old and her health was failing. The doctor said to Myron "You have to take her in. I know it's an inconvenience but she's 80, how long can she possibly live?". Then Myron continued with "25 years later..." You see, she did not leave them until 1975, just a few months shy of her 105th birthday!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Excellent.

Thanks all....Going to start weighing our options a bit.  Felt good just to get it all off my chest. 

utahclaimjumper said:
  You are subsidizing your brother like or not. He does not sound like he deserves it or appreciates whats going on.>>>Dan

That's dawned on me a time or two....And you know, if he just sent a note once a month or so that said "thanks for everything you do bro" and came to see Mom for a couple days once a year, or even just asked how she was doing with any regularity, I'd probably be OK with that.  I'd be happy to foot the bill for his trip if he wanted to come see her.  But he is one of the most narcissistic people I've ever known.....and the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

camperAL said:
Hi Frizlefrack,


You would have to contact legal advise, but I believe if you are taking care of an parent or relative, you can charge the estate a reasonable fee for time spent taking care of your Mom.

Thanks Al....but there's so little estate there to begin with that I couldn't care less.  Wife and I don't need it....sis doesn't either.  If my brother wants it, he's welcome to it.  He'll go through it in 3 months.

blw2 said:
Anyway, I agree with the suggestion to get someone to stay with her while you go, even if it's less often or for shorter trips  than you might ordinarily take out the TT (you have to live, after all).... and even if you have to hire it out since your deadbeat sibling won't pitch in.  Let her pay the cost for the hiring out, since it would be but only a small fraction of assisted living it should be reasonable.

Oh, I don't mind paying for it.....getting mom to agree to it may like doing dental work on a wild panther.  And I'd have to hire it out....I wouldn't do that to anyone I consider a friend.

I think why this has been such an adjustment for us is that we've been married for 27 years and don't have any kids....thus we've always been able to come and go as we please.  When that stopped, it stopped suddenly.  Again, I liken it to being under house arrest.

Thanks again all.  It's appreciated.  :)
 
SeilerBird said:
If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.

Hi Tom.....

That thought dawns on me often.....this, right now, is as good as it gets.  Thus far, she can still walk herself to the bathroom and back without help.....but for how much longer?  When she can't do that alone anymore, it will be an instant decision maker.  I wouldn't expect my wife to help with that in a million years, and it would be way too awkward for me.  At that point, she goes in a home period....even if I have to get social services involved. 

I would visit her often....I'm not one of those kids that dumps an aging parent off at a nursing home and forgets them.  When mom moves to the great beyond, my conscience will be clear. 
 
Fritz, you are getting some good advice here, and if nothing else, you are getting a good opportunity to vent and to sort through your thoughts vs feelings. 

For many years, I managed Retirement Communities, Assisted Living, Nursing Homes, and Home Health.  During that time, I met with families who were trying to work through similar, never exactly the same, types of problems as those that you are trying to resolve; plus, my own family has had both successes and failures and guilt issues.  There is never one perfect solution.  Here are some thoughts.

1.  The odds are that your Mother will never change her mind about going into a "home (by whatever the name).  For many if not most people, going into a "home" means giving up on "life" and entering the first stage of "death" from which never to return - a hard decision to face.

2.  Trying to become her legal guardian is definitely a good idea and if you are successful that would ease getting your future decisions accomplished, but if she just happens to be lucid if front of a social worker, or Judge, while she pushes for her desires in the matter, or if your sibling(s) decide to go against you, then - well, who knows?

3.  One possibility is wait until an accident or illness requires that she go into a nursing/rehab facility.  She might be more easily convinced at that time.  Find the best one with a reputation for great personal care (ask around), then leave her there ongoing.  Most doctors can assist with a legitimate prognosis with the problems she is apparently having.

4.  Another possibility is to expand your use of home health assistance to short-term 24/7 for long enough for you to get away.  This option will be very expensive, but expense can be adjusted to available funds.  Again, ask around for a reputable home health service.  Make sure that the Agency actually checks out the criminal backgrounds for all their aides.  Ask the agency if they have any customers who are willing to provide references for the particular aides who will be assigned.  Ask how often an agency nurse or social worker will visit with your Mother.  <-- This might not happen in a very short term arrangement.

5.  Get a safety deposit box, outside the house, and lock up all check books, cash, and jewelry while you are gone.  Call home frequently and try to sort out what is true "I'm getting beat up daily!" from the daily "I'm soooo miserable!" comments.

6.  Remember that if you think that abuse is really occurring, you should immediately report it to your state's local Elderly Abuse line.

Doing all the above might assuage some of your guilt feelings, but in any case, remember that "tough love" can be best for both you and for your Mother.

Just my thoughts and certainly not guaranteed to be sane or reasonable for all situations.  Good luck!





 
TravlinOn said:
For many if not most people, going into a "home" means giving up on "life" and entering the first stage of "death" from which never to return - a hard decision to face.

You are 100% correct.  And that makes perfect sense.

My sis texted me again and says her retirement is tentatively set for November, and that she will take Mom then (Keep in mind I've heard this same promise 5 or 6 times now).  I really wish she would....not just to give the wife and I a rest, but for the simple fact that she hasn't spent much time with mom in the last 30 years....and if she wants to, that window is closing.  Mom is 82, and her health isn't great, and she misses both of my siblings a lot.  That's part of what grinds my gears about the whole situation....she continually pines for their attention, and neither has made much effort to be with her.

Sis lives back east....so this isn't a day in the car and she's here.  If this actually happens, I'll have to fly out to WV with mom.  There is no way she can navigate large airports alone.  If the situation was reversed, I would fly out and get mom and bring her home with me.  I guess that's my biggest character flaw....I continually expect people to act with the same concern I would...and I'm continually disappointed when they don't.

Anyhow, thanks all for the kind words and for sharing some wisdom.  I'm soaking it all in.....
 
My sympathies on your situation.  Just some thoughts.

Talk to a lawyer about your options.

Consider finding a place now so that you don't have to do it when the crisis comes. 

It's much easier to rely on a whole staff of a facility than one or two in-home caregivers.

Honestly,it sounds like your siblings are more than happy to let you do it all.  Don't try,you can't and you don't have to. 

Sounds like the RV is still a little retreat,don't sell it!

Best wishes
 
Back
Top Bottom