The "Maybe we should sell it" conversation came up today.....

Sorry I can't offer much useful advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. I do know about looking out the window at the RV in the drive and wishing we could go somewhere. We bought our RV in January and my MIL went into hospice within a week. DRs said 6 months to live, 9 mos. ago. I don't really want her to go, but the strain on the family is hard to deal with.

I am so sorry for your life situation right now.  I have been where you are...along with my siblings.  One of the hardest things life can hand any of us is to have to become the "responsible adult" in a child/parent relationship.  My advice?  As hard as it will be, you have to stop thinking like the child now. You are her son, but you have to be the adult in the relationship. 
Schedule a talk with your mom's primary care giver so you can fully understand just where your mom is physically and mentally.  Is she still able to make decisions for herself?  If not, someone will have to be appointed to do this for her.  See a lawyer on your mom's behalf and your own.  This is so very important, especially as time goes by.
As much as we want to believe that no family member would ever take financially from your mom, it could happen.  You want to make sure her assets are used for her and her alone until she passes.  In later years this will be really important unless you have unlimited assets to use for her care.  You mention SS.  Was your father a veteran?  If so, she may be eligible for widow's benefits.  Find out what you need to apply for them and do so.  It takes a while for paperwork, so the sooner you do this, the better.  The lawyer MAY be able to help. 
Assisted living (which my mom lived in until she passed) is more for those who don't have cognition problems or serious physical issues.  Most usually have limited medical care available.  And the cost comes out of pocket has they aren't regulated strictly like nursing homes are.  My mom didn't like living there but she wasn't happy at home either.  My brother and I were still working and couldn't be there 24/, but we did each visit daily to just visit and see how she was doing.  We were in the minority.  Most families just visited each week or so.
I am not nor would I ever suggest that you neglect your mom in any way, but keeping her with you and your family may not be the best situation for any of you.  We all love(d) our parents and we all want to do what is best for them.  But you have others to think of at this time.  And you have yourself to think of too.  Ask yourself:  Would continuing to keep your mom at home truly benefit her mentally and physically?  Would this situation benefiting you and your wife?  Does she truly need more care than you can give? 
Y'all are in tough place...one of the toughest.  By all means get input from your siblings, but do talk with professionals.  They can give you the best guidance.  Good luck and God bless you all.
H.

I am in a similar situation with my mom right now.  Please keep in mind, assisted living is not a nursing home.  She would have her own apartment, meet many people in similar shape for meals and activities and hopefully make friends and eventually will start to enjoy it, create new memories and actually have some fun.  Several of my friends who have gone through this said their mom never looked back and found great relief with it.

Don't sell it.  Don't give up your dreams.

Good luck!!

My MIL threw a fit, she has dementia, mainly just not remembering anything.  Lost keys, didn't eat, thought she
had, started thinking people were stealing, her sister who lived behind her got her started on that.

My husband decided she needed to go to assisted living, she called him everything but good, bad part is her
sister who lived behind her is worse off, she went first.  I had both of them last year plus DD and was a crazy
woman.  The first one we put her in didn't work, she tried to leave, the second is good, has push button keyed
exit and she can't remember the codes.  They are even posted by the door.

At first she hated it, was going to go home every time we went there, oh she and sister are both there.  She
has an apartment though we are going to move her to a studio.  She had enough savings the first year plus
SS to pay it but her health insurance is expensive from the union so move her soon we are.  It will be just
down the hall.

By the way, if her husband was a veteran and served even 1 day during war time you can get benefits to help
pay it.  The cannot have assets over $80k, was a 3 year look back is to be 5, may already be now.  They figure
up total income and total expenses, but max they can get a month is $1149, that's what MIL gets.  It took me
almost a year to get benefits started.  Now we are waiting for retroactive pay.  Once she gets that and moves
into the studio we are only adding about $200 a month.  However she requires extra help for bathing, we get
her hair done weekly, and laundry done so adds to the cost.  Eventually when she goes up to more levels
of care we will have to move her to an efficiency, that's what her sister is in now.  But she won't go to the
shower in the hall and washes in the sink, told hubby we would have the same issue so the studio.

You might find she really likes it, they have people to commiserate with their illness and can talk to them.
The routine and good food has helped them both, they are holding their own, her sister is much happier then
MIL, but still MIL is doing well.  Hubby goes and sees her several times a week, its only about 12 miles from
us and its working well.

You may not want to do it, but you might find it improves her life as well as yours.  If she is resistant and we
know as MIL gets worse we will need guardianship.  We went ahead and got it as the assisted living place
said they could not keep her against her will if she really pushed it.  Guardianship costs about $2k, figure
its pretty much the same anywhere.

If I can be of any help just ask, we have been through it with her and also with our mentally challenged daughter
so sadly, am fairly well versed in this.

Live your life, its to short and there are very good places, if the first doesn't work try another.  Good luck and
don't sell your dream.

Forgot to add, most of the folks there are doing well, some are minor memory
issues, most are physically ill.  We really like the one MIL is in, its employee owned
and they are really good to the folks there.  A busy schedule if you want to partake
of it.

Thanks to all for the kind words of wisdom.  Know it is appreciated.

SeilerBird said:

Hi Friz - I agree you are in a tough situation. My advice is to agree with the above two posters. It is time to put her in a home no matter what she says. I realize she is your mother but enough is enough. You have your own life to live and you should not allow her to ruin yours just because she is your mother. If you think things are bad now just wait a year or two. She is not going to get better, only worse.

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I totally agree. A rest home is best for all.  My 102 yr old Sister was recently placed in a home and she loves it--making new friends, etc.
Marvin

no to selling RV  we also have a 86 yr old mother..smokes pack a day.drinks half bottle of wine..walks to town 4 blocks for mail and lunch every second day.smart as a whip.remembers everything.she asked last February is she could move in with us .she refuses to move into a lodge full of OLD people with rules and only one room,her little house has 4 and she has a big load of stuff.so we bought this monster 34 ft RV for her to use this summer. i built a ramp thats easy for her to get into it. then spent a week here and decided NOPE.. wants to go back to her home..so we are back to square one..with a 34 ft class a in our back yard.so instead of selling it, we are selling our 26 ft trailer and going to restore this old diesal pusher. 

Jomo said:

I am in a similar situation with my mom right now.  Please keep in mind, assisted living is not a nursing home.  She would have her own apartment, meet many people in similar shape for meals and activities and hopefully make friends and eventually will start to enjoy it, create new memories and actually have some fun.  Several of my friends who have gone through this said their mom never looked back and found great relief with it.

Don't sell it.  Don't give up your dreams.

Good luck!!

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We just went through this with mom in March. Dad passed 3 years ago, I have 2 siblings. We are a tight, religious family and all jump in to help. We placed mom in assisted living after much debate she decided to give it a go, just don't sell her house! Well, we got the ok to sell the house. She loves it! So many activities, lunch and dinner provided daily with an in house chef. My siblings are both within an hour and I'm 4 hours away. They visit once a week minimum and once a month for me.
It can work if you can convince her to give it a go. No contracts at our place,you can bail if it doesn't work.
Best of luck, Jeff

Your roles are now reversed from when she was your caregiver.

Now you have to be the one that makes the tough decisions for her well being and your own.

Being a 24/7 end of life caregiver is extremely difficult to do on your own and it only gets harder. Get as much help as possible as you taking on the brunt of all the weight will pull you down.

Do not give up on your RV because you will probably need it to be you again afterwards. Keep on doing your maintenance on it as you have been doing.

If the funds get down so low that you have to consider selling the RV, then it is time to put the cards on the table and make the rule that Mom has to either contribute to the household or she has to go into an assisted living facility. Let her make her choice between the two. Stand your ground too. I have been 24/7 caregiver for a person that was as you described your Mom. The words I used to use to describe him are rude, loudmouthed, overbearing, obnoxious. He had alienated everyone except for me.

My wife's mother is 92 she lives alone, right across the field from our house and up until March of this year she drove. My wife then had DMV pull her license and so now with no transportation we had to arrange for her to get to her weekly bingo game, Dr appointments and grocery, plus check on her everyday make sure she is taking her pills, her phone is not off the hook and her tv is working right. My wife's sister takes her so that helps but still it takes and hour or so a day and ties you down. We also have an rv sitting in the drive way, but what we have done is made arrangement for a lady to come in and check on her twice a day while we are gone for the next two weeks. Next summer my Wife's sister and husband want to join on a trip to Alaska so we will have to fine someone to stay with Mother the whole time we are gone. We have mentioned assisted living and look at the same people everyday no thank you, this is a person who sit in her chair 24 hours a day other than bathroom runs and getting something to eat and watches tv. We use to take her with us but she got to weak to get in the pickup or up the stairs  so now we can't.
Don't sell  when you want to travel either get your siblings to take her or get someone in to watch her. Take over her finances and make her pay her way. Like my wife said the other day after her sister could not take her mother to bingo and the lady that usually does couldn't ,so she got mad a drover herself ( no license, no insurance ) 30 miles to bingo, I can now understand  how elder abuse happens. Maybe this is all pay back for when we were teenagers LOL.

One of Mom's main issues is that she has (intentionally) isolated herself from everyone but family (and family isn't responding, so that means the wife and I).  She was socially very active when she was young, but about 15 years ago, she started withdrawing from her friends....who one by one, started dying off.  When we moved her to El Paso in 2007, she had her own place.....lots of her older neighbors tried to be her friend, but she essentially drove them all away.  She talks incessantly and is very opinionated...and can get nasty when people don't agree with her.  Not conducive to having friends.....

When she was in the rehab center for 6 weeks after her bout with pneumonia, lots of the residents tried to be friends with her.  She would associate with them to the extent that she had to, but didn't really want anything to do with them either.  If she was to go into assisted living, she would lock herself in the apartment all day.

Basically what she wants is us to spend every minute of our free time entertaining her.  We, of course, don't do that....and she spends a lot of time sleeping and planted in front of the boob tube watching Fox News all day.  I'm sure she's sad and depressed that things aren't how she wants them, but at what point is that no longer my problem?  In a nutshell, she wants to be with my older brother, and he won't give her the time of day (unless he needs something, of course). 

My older sis is now saying she will take her some time in November.  I've heard this song and dance 5 or 6 times now, not holding my breath.  I would be completely open to all three of us sharing in her care...we could take her for 6 month intervals and rotate who has her....but again, it takes three to tango in this case, and that isn't going to happen.

I bought a few goodies for the truck, and I'm going to do the same for the RV....keep my interest kindled for the meantime.  By next summer, it will be three years since the wife and I have had a vacation.  We're taking one, and we don't care who it harelips.  If Mom is still here and has to go into respite care, she will be drug kicking and screaming if necessary.

Thanks again to all for listening to my tale of woe.

Well, there comes a time unless you give up your life.  MIL is similar she isn't going to make friends
and stuff, but her sister and her are in the same place.  She still isn't happy at times, but she is better
off there.  More active, people to take care of her, she is eating 100 times better then at home and
we have a life.

There is help out there, it is expensive, our assisted living costs $135 a day for respite care, but hey
it lets you have a life.  We are thinking of bringing our mentally challenged daughter back home its
not working out.  But we intend to make use of respite often as we need to.

Good luck, they will end up happier then you think they will or not.  But its what those places are
for, hope I have enough sense to willingly go when I need to also.

PatStab said:

But its what those places are
for, hope I have enough sense to willingly go when I need to also.

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Funny you should mention that....I remember mom saying something similar 30 years ago how she "didn't want to be a burden to her family".  Now she says the thought of going into assisted living "absolutely panics her".  She DOES understand the difference between assisted living and a nursing home.....she just doesn't want to spend the money on it.  She wants to live with us, save her money, and leave it to my brother....the same brother that hasn't been out to see her in 7 years.

Finances:  It's a non-issue.  Her entire net worth is under $50K, and when she moves to the great beyond, my sibs are welcome to it.  The wife and I were successful and moderately frugal over the years....it wouldn't make a difference in our lives one way or the other.  My sis is in the same boat....career person that did well.  My brother, on the other hand, couldn't hang on to a dollar if his life depended on it.  He will be here (or somewhere) with his hand out before she's even cold.  One more reason I'd like to see all her money spent on her care....just so there's nothing left for him.  Petty of me, isn't it?

My advice is similar to others and I'm glad you are determined to take time for yourselves next year. If you don't you might end up resentful and that is not good for anyone. My friend had lots of issues and eventually her mum went into a care home in the UK and whilst she doesn't love it she realises it's best for everyone. Good luck.

We have a lot in common, I had to leave El Paso and return to Pittsburgh to take care of my mother.  My brother and sister were useless.  I too am married to a saint, my wife and I took care of her mother until her passing at 95 and we had a few years until my mother had to move in with us. My cousin would keep my mother for a week or 2 and we used respite care so we could get away.  We could take my mother with us because she could relax in the motorhome. (this may be an alternative for you) We took her to the ocean (see pix) and to some places that she could enjoy.  I?m not saying it is easy but in our case it was possible.  Some things my mother would say I had to over look, like saying if she had a million dollars she would give it all to Ray (my brother)  I visited her more when I lived in El Paso than he did and he lived less that 30 miles away. My mother passed last September and I can say that my wife and I did our duty and can feel good about taking care of both of them.

Alpena Jeff said:

We just went through this with mom in March. Dad passed 3 years ago, I have 2 siblings. We are a tight, religious family and all jump in to help. We placed mom in assisted living after much debate she decided to give it a go, just don't sell her house! Well, we got the ok to sell the house. She loves it! So many activities, lunch and dinner provided daily with an in house chef. My siblings are both within an hour and I'm 4 hours away. They visit once a week minimum and once a month for me.
It can work if you can convince her to give it a go. No contracts at our place,you can bail if it doesn't work.
Best of luck, Jeff

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Frizlefrak, I'm quoting myself, I know.
Mom passed last Sunday, funeral this Monday. As a side note my wife's dad passed the Sunday before. Yup, 2 in a week. My siblings and I sat with her nonstop the last week of her life. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. It sounds like you are manning up and no matter how it goes down, you will be able to sleep nights when the end comes. You are a good man! God bless you.

Alpena Jeff said:

Frizlefrak, I'm quoting myself, I know.
Mom passed last Sunday, funeral this Monday. As a side note my wife's dad passed the Sunday before. Yup, 2 in a week. My siblings and I sat with her nonstop the last week of her life. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. It sounds like you are manning up and no matter how it goes down, you will be able to sleep nights when the end comes. You are a good man! God bless you.

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Thank you my brother....and I am so sorry for your loss. :'(

This post is a big old, but I hope some of you still look at it.  My mother has passed away, and she was not as difficult as some of your situations, but difficult enough.  I found this book very helpful:  https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent-ebook/dp/B0053K290Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1477762920&sr=1-1&keywords=dealing+with+your+difficult+older+parent

It was recommended to be by the dementia support group I attended.  After my mother died, I gave it to my kids for when I got difficult.

Also, remember that even minor dementia causes personality changes, so whoever said it was likely going to get worse is right.  My mother ended up in memory care instead of assisted living because dementia got worse.  A person may not seem to have dementia right now, but sometimes it is hidden.

And finally, do look around for nursing homes right now before you need it for your mother. (I warn you that it will be depressing.)  And put your name on waiting lists, even if you think you will not need it for a couple of years.  The best nursing homes, especially the ones taking Medicaid, have long waiting lists, but the end up sometimes not being so long because people change their minds or die before they need the service.

I took care of my mother for the last 20 years of her life--in her home, in my home, in a senior apartment, in memory care, and finally in a Medicaid nursing home for a couple of months, and I am proud that I spent every last penny she had doing it.

My cousin flew in to take care of my uncle before he died.  Of course they told her it would only be a couple of weeks and she ended up staying for 7 months in his home to care for him.  She could not talk him into a nursing home or going home with her no matter how much she tried.  He wanted to die at home.  She had to fly back to her home state for a doctors appointment so she got his doctor to get him into a nursing home for the 5 days she was gone.  Did not know they could do short term stays but it did happen.  We would visit him and tell him only a few more days and he seemed to do okay.  You could see if this is an option for your mom.  As long as she knows you're coming to get her she would be fine especially if she didn't have a say so.

Robin