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RVing message boards => The Shade Tree => Topic started by: 1joester2 on January 10, 2012, 08:48:55 PM

Title: Post a joke
Post by: 1joester2 on January 10, 2012, 08:48:55 PM
An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem, when he found a crude sarcophagus. On opening it, he discovered a mummy completely intact. On further investigation, he determined that he must have this mummy inspected by professionals, so he called a museum in Jerusalem and told the curator that he had just discovered a mummy that was about 3500 years old who surely died of a heart attack.
The curator was skeptical, but the remains were transferred to the museum and thoroughly inspected.
The archaeologist received a phone call from the curator and the curator wanted to thank him for the incredible mummy and really wanted to know how he accurately dated the remains and determined the cause of death so accurately without x-rays or any of the highly technical tools the museum has.
The archaeologist simply replied:
"Well, I noticed he had a piece of parchment in his hand. Being able to read the older languages, I saw that it said '10,000 shekels on Goliath'"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 11, 2012, 03:03:36 PM
A farmer was working in his barn when Chicken Little came running in screaming ......
''RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ,,,,,,,  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.....    THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING''
The farmer stopped shoveling horse poop and screamed....
''HOLLY CRAP,,,,,,,,,,,,,  A TALKIN' CHICKEN.........IM RICH''.........





Thank a vet for your freedoms........cj..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on January 11, 2012, 03:32:50 PM
I like chicken jokes. My favorite;

I was driving past a farm on a country road when a three legged chicken passed me doing about 50mph.  I sped up to about 55, then 60, but he ran off and left me.  I stopped at the farmers house to inquire about the strange three legged chicken.  He said he was raising them because he thought a chicken with an extra 'drumstick' would be a good seller.  When I asked how they tasted, he said he didn't know, he had never been able to catch one.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Luca1369 on January 11, 2012, 05:05:52 PM
When I lived in a sticks and bricks home my next door neighbor saw me working in my back yard one day and came over to the fence to chat.  He saw me tamping down a large pile of dirt with the back of a shovel and asked me what I was doing.  I replied that I was burying my goldfish.  He said that it looked like an awfully big pile of dirt for a goldfish.  I replied: "Perhaps, but he was inside your cat."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Ned on January 12, 2012, 07:44:13 AM
       On the last day of school before Christmas break, the children
brought gifts for their teacher.   The supermarket manager's daughter
brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

     The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

     The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of
candy.

     Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted up the box and noticed it was leaking a bit
And left a wet spot on her desk.  She touched a drop of the liquid
with her finger and tasted it.

     "Is it wine?" she guessed.
         
   "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
 asked, " Champagne ?"
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
   "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on January 12, 2012, 08:51:13 AM
NED!  Favorite!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on January 12, 2012, 09:39:40 AM
Same school, same class, same group of kids on the first day of school.

Teacher asked each to stand, introduce themselves and to tell the class what their fathers did for a living.

First little girl;
Hi, my name is Mary and my dad is a farmer, F-A-R-M-E-R, and if he were here he would give everyone a bag of fruit.

Second little girl;
Hi, my name is Jane and my dad is a baker, B-A-K-E R, and if he were here he would give everyone a cake

First little boy;
Hi my name is Lou and my dad is a lectrician, L-E-C, L E K, E L E K, ....

The teacher said: that's okay Lou, you can sit down until you can spell it.

Second little boy;
Hi, my name is Johnny and my dad is a bookie, B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here he would lay you 8-to-5 that little dummy ain't never gonna spell electrician.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on January 12, 2012, 09:59:54 AM
Visual Joke, What do you get when a redneck wins the lottery?

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 12, 2012, 10:01:14 AM
Number 37! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on January 12, 2012, 10:04:22 AM
Number 37! ;D ;D ;D

Some folks can really tell a joke... ;) :D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Joezeppy on January 12, 2012, 10:25:38 AM
On her way back form the market one night, an Amish woman is stopped by the police. The officer walks up to the buggy and says to the woman "Your rear reflector is broken. You need to get that fixed - it's dangerous to be out at night like that - you might get hit by a car". "Sorry", says the woman, "I'll have my husband fix that as soon as I get home". To that, the officer added "and I notice the reigns are wrapped around your horse's testicles. Some people might see this as animal cruelty - be sure to have your husband take care of that, too."

When she gets home, true to her word, she tells her husband about the reflector. While he is fixing it, she says to him "Oh, I almost forgot, the cop said there is something wrong with the emergency brake, too!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on January 12, 2012, 10:58:48 AM
"Oh, I almost forgot, the cop said there is something wrong with the emergency brake, too!"

Truck driver picks up a lady hitch hiking. They get along very well - so well that they decide to stop and do more than just hold hands. It is a very hot day so decide to make love under the truck.

As things get very heated, they hear a voice -- "What are you doing"??

The quick thinking truck driver responds -- "Fixing the transmission".

The voice then says,

You may want to also check your brakes -- your truck is about a half mile down the road!! :) :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on January 12, 2012, 11:00:54 AM
I like chicken jokes

What do you call it when a chicken lays an egg while standing up???

A standing ovation . . .  :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on January 12, 2012, 12:15:06 PM
Speaking of Chickens......

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
 
 
 BARACK OBAMA:
 The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
 chicken wanted CHANGE!
 
 JOHN MC CAIN:
 My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
 need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
 other side of the road.
 
 HILLARY CLINTON:
 When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
 the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
 from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
 deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn't about me.......
 
 DR. PHIL:
 The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
 first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
 after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
 help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
 problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
 
 OPRAH:
 Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
 wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
 from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
 give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
 not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
 
 GEORGE W. BUSH:
 We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
 know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
 either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
 
 COLIN POWELL:
 Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
 of the chicken crossing the road...
 
 ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
 We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
 been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
 
 JOHN KERRY:
 Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
 It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
 intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
 
 NANCY GRACE:
 That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
 eyes and the way he walks.


 PAT BUCHANAN:
 To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
 
 MARTHA STEWART:
 No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
 standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
 dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
 information.
 
 DR SEUSS:
 Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
 chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
 
 ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
 To die in the rain. Alone.
 
 JERRY FALWELL:
 Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
 That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
 is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
 boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
 media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
 That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
 simple as that.
 
 GRANDPA:
 In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
 us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
 
 BARBARA WALTERS:
 Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
 chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
 experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
 life long dream of crossing the road.
 
 ARISTOTLE:
 It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
 
 JOHN LENNON:
 Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
 
 BILL GATES:
 I have just released eChicken2012, which will not only cross roads, but
 will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
 book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
 platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........
 reboot.
 
 ALBERT EINSTEIN:
 Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
 chicken?


 BILL CLINTON:
 I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
 chicken?
 
 AL GORE:
 I invented the chicken!
 
 COLONEL SANDERS:
 Did I miss one?
 
 DICK CHENEY:
 Where's my gun?
 
 AL SHARPTON:
 Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: carson on January 12, 2012, 12:53:31 PM
Priceless, Lou..  5*****  and if you composed that beauty 10********** or more.   ;D ;D ;D

CIAO, Carson FL


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on January 12, 2012, 01:52:28 PM
To why did the chicken cross the road add:

Sara Palin: Fried chicken Ya betch ya.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: carson on January 12, 2012, 02:22:44 PM
Also, Douglas MacArthur:" Don't worry,  "I shall return"....I think.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: snix on January 16, 2012, 01:19:45 AM
Aggies and chickens...can't get much better

Aggie goes into a feed & seed store and asks for a flat of baby chicks...the kind with 144+/- of the little peepers in it; pays for it, loads it in his truck and drives off.  Bout a week later, the Aggie goes back into the store and asks the clerk for another flat of chicks.  Clerk makes some small talk and learns that the Aggie has just graduated and is starting a Chicken Farm down the road.  The clerk hands the Aggie the second  flat of baby chicks, collects the money and the Aggie drives off.  Ten days later the Aggie is back for another flat of baby chicks.  “Man”, the clerk says; “You are gonna have some kind of Chicken Farm out there”.  “Well”, says the Aggie, “Don’t know if I will or not.  Can’t tell if I’m planting them too deep or too far apart!” ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on January 16, 2012, 10:58:32 AM
Also, Douglas MacArthur:" Don't worry,  "I shall return"....I think.

Carson, North Carolina text books had MacArthur's quote as; ....."I'll be rat back"...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on January 16, 2012, 11:38:19 AM
My father posted a sign over his chicken coop that read "An Egg-a-Day keeps KFC Away"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: tstumpf on January 17, 2012, 09:58:00 AM
Thanks to all of you for the great laugh!

-Roni
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on January 22, 2012, 12:40:51 PM
Four men walking down the street pass a bar with a sign in window, all drinks ten cents each.

They can't believe their luck, go inside and ask the bartender if the sign was for real, and if true why?

The bartender said I hit the lottery, always wanted to own a bar and make drinks affordable.

The four men ordered drinks, and the bill was fourthy cents.

At the other end of the bar there were two elderly couples sitting and just talking, not drinking.

The men asked the bartender what was there story?

The bartender said that they were from Florida, and we're waiting for Happy Hour for two fer's.



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jje1960 on January 22, 2012, 01:06:18 PM
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn''t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there way home.

The next day the first woman''s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That''s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station. We''ll never forget you.''"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on January 22, 2012, 10:41:30 PM
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need

       to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

    "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,


    "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks..................

    in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies,

    "Hurts, don't it?!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on January 25, 2012, 07:30:19 AM
The Dog's Diary vs. The Cat's Diary

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on January 25, 2012, 08:29:43 AM
 Because I'm a man,
 when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.'  We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like  steaks, milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'tofu' or 'tampons. For all I know, these are the same thing.
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
 (former applies mainly to engineers).
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.  The true answer is always either golf,  cars, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't…… and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine  With the belt or without it, looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?
 _______________________________________________
 Because I'm a man,
 and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest..... Like hosing down the patio and wandering around in the garden with a  soda wondering what to do next.
 _______________________________________________
 This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
 
Sharon
 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 25, 2012, 10:01:27 AM
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY FROM SEAJAY

 A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger.

After he eats he stands up, stretches and pulls out a gun.

He shoots everyone in the room except the bartender.

The panda then puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave.

As he walks out the door the bartender asks the panda why he shot everyone.

The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia.

The bartender looks up panda and he reads

"Panda: A large black and white mammal native to China that eats shoots and leaves."

Your daily giggle courtesy of the U.S. Navy......
look again tomorrow ......cj..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on January 25, 2012, 11:07:17 AM
Funny story -

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately  gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.  They  were not in my pockets or purse.  A quick search in the meeting room  revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.  Frantically,  I headed for the parking lot.  My husband, David, has scolded me many  times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition  is the best place not to lose them.  His theory is that the car will be  stolen.  As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.  His theory was right.  The parking lot was  empty.

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed  that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I  made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered.  I always  call him “honey” in times like these.  “I left my keys in the car,  and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped,  but then I heard David’s voice. “Betty” he barked, “I dropped  you off!”  Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said,  “Well, come and get me.” David retorted, “I will, as soon as I  convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 26, 2012, 06:58:14 AM
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY FROM SEAJAY
Post this on your bathroom mirror and have a ''Giggle with your Gargle''

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.




The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


(note.  I am not writing these Puns.  They are being sent to me by a former friend
that still owes me money because he hates me)....cj....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on January 26, 2012, 08:13:41 AM
puns.  the lowest form of humor.

How about just posting punchline and let us fill in the rest.  Then if we can't, we will have found the new one.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 26, 2012, 10:06:58 AM
PUNCHLINE FOR PANCAKE BILL..............
and everyone else interested ......lol......

''Someone has to go WEE, WEEEE, WEEEEEEEEE all the way home.........''
(I will give you the body of the ''pun'' in two days unless someone guesses the body'')

Your daily brain teaser courtesy of the United States Navy
and all veterans of all armed forces of every stripe and color.

(before I get comments on the ''stripe and color'' comment .......
that is refering to their rank and the color of their uniform oF our brave fighting men
and women in our armed forces.... IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE)
God bless our troops and bring them home safe and soon .....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Marc L on January 27, 2012, 06:14:30 AM
Keep them coming, but keep them clean.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 27, 2012, 06:35:21 AM
Your daily Pun courtesy of the U. S. Navy.  the greatest fighting force in the world...


Subject: PUNS - VOICES



A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and sits down.  Then he orders a drink.



After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.  "Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off.



After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers.



Shaking his head, he sips once more.  Again the voice, “Hey mister! Cool shirt!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”







“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”





Dont blame me for the content of the puns.   I do not wirte them....

Veterans gave us our freedoms.
Friday is National Hug a Veteran day......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bucks2 on January 27, 2012, 08:52:38 AM
Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 27, 2012, 08:54:53 AM
Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken
Telling filthy jokes is not appreciated on this forum.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on January 27, 2012, 08:55:43 AM
27

>:( I didn't like that one the first 100 timse I heard it and still don't think its funny!
 
 ;)
Bob
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 27, 2012, 09:15:39 AM
Telling filthy jokes is not appreciated on this forum.
Obviously you are thinking about ''#26'' because I heard ''#27'' from my sunday school teacher over the P.A. system on the church bus while we were coming back from a tent revival last Wednsday nite.  The whole bus laughed and the driver laughed so hard he almost ran in the ditch because he was crying from laughing.


Lets all thank our troops for a great job when they get home.......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 27, 2012, 09:28:52 AM
A young man applied for a sales position in a local department store.  Being young, it took some convincing that he was the man they were looking for, so he was hired on a trial basis.  After only one week, the sales manager called him to talk about the new salesman’s week.  The manager was impressed.  The new salesman had exceeded all expectations.  In fact, he had broken all existing sales records.  So, he asked the new salesman how he did it.
 
“Well, a feller came in and I sold him some fish hooks.  Then I told him since he has new fish hooks, he ought to get some new fishing line.  So, I sold him some new line.  Then I told him since he had new hooks and new line, a new rod and reel would look nice.  So, I sold him a new rod and reel.  Then I told him that he a need some new fishing lures to go with his new rod and reel.  So, I sold him two of each type of lures the store carries and a new tackle box to carry them in.”
 
The sales manager said, “That’s great salesmanship, but it doesn’t explain the total sales figure I have here.  Is that all?”
 
“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said, “I did manage to sell him a bit more.  I told him since he had all this new fishing equipment, he ought to have a new boat so he could, get to the good fishing spots.  So, I sold him a new 19’ bassboat with a 200 HP outboard engine on a tandem axle trailer.”
 
“Wow!  Now that’s really good salesmanship.  You are going to go places, son.  But, it still doesn’t explain these figures.  Is that all?”
 
“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said, “I told the guy he was well on his way to the best fishing trip of his life, if he just had a way to tow the boat to the lake.  So, I sold him a new Dodge 4x4 extended cab pickup with full tow package.”
 
“Wonderful!” the manager cried.  “So, that’s where these figures come from.  All that and the guy only came in for fish hooks?”
 
“Well, not exactly,” the new salesman said.  “The feller came in for feminine napkins and I told him since he wasn’t doing anything this weekend he may as well go fishing.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: seabreeze331 on January 27, 2012, 10:01:31 AM
After three months of watching two young men filling and rolling wheelbarrows every day with dirt from the lot next door, I went over and asked what was going on?

They replied, "Uncle Jim Bob passed and left us this lot so we're taking it home"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BernieD on January 27, 2012, 10:17:58 AM
Quote
They replied, "Uncle Jim Bob passed and left us this lot so we're taking it home"

Kind of reminds me of the joke from the Stalin days in Russia

Every day after work, these two workers wheeled out a wheelbarrel at the end of the work day. Finally a co-worker asked what they were working on. They replied none, just stealing wheelbarrels.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Ray D on January 27, 2012, 03:28:35 PM
 My Favorite Animal  ;D

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
 
Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on January 27, 2012, 06:08:47 PM
Way back when the Smothers Brothers had their show, they did a dirty jokes award, using only punchlines, the winner was, The drunk said, hey lady, the sign fell off your roof. 

I think it might be #29 in that list.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 27, 2012, 09:06:59 PM
Yep, it was #29 but I would not touch it on here with a long stick with tape on the handle.......cj......

God bless our brave troops .......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bucks2 on January 27, 2012, 09:55:27 PM
>:( I didn't like that one the first 100 timse I heard it and still don't think its funny!
 
 ;)
Bob

Must have been the way I told it. Let me try again,

-27-
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: seilerbird on January 27, 2012, 10:10:05 PM
Must have been the way I told it. Let me try again,

-27-
You have terrible timing and timing is everything in comedy.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 28, 2012, 07:01:55 AM
You must ''enunciate'' your punch line and it is also important to use hand gestures and facial expression to really ''sell the joke''............   Watch me ....

''Twenty Seven my dear and frankly, I don't give a darn''
(Did you see how I accentuated the ''Twenty seven'' with my right hand gesture
and how I looked her right in the eye when I said it?.......)

This joke telling lesson will cost you ten cents and you can pay me the next time you see me........cj...

Brought to you by the U.S. Navy and all the fighting forces of these United States...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 28, 2012, 07:09:46 AM
John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This surveillance to find low ranking roosters took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the front porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning
he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing,
but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch that he entered him in the Saint
Lawrence County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.





The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"

but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well !!!!.

(Arent you glad you gave me your e mail address now?)

Ten years is enough....... Bring 'um home now please........
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on January 28, 2012, 07:14:47 AM
OK BILL....He said "I don't know where ya went last night lad, but I see you won first prize".....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 28, 2012, 08:00:00 AM
That is the one about the Scottsman that passed out on the side of the road and was visited by the two young ladies.   Good one ......   Remember it well.......

God bless our troops......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on January 28, 2012, 08:22:56 AM
Now we know why.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 28, 2012, 08:44:38 AM
Ok..... i have a series of comments and questions concerning the chicken and the trooper.
one.  Is the chicken actually ''crossing the road'' or is the road ''moving under the chicken''?
two.  Where is the troops hat?
three. Why is the trooper ''out of step with the chicken''?
four.    Is the trooper being chased by another chicken which is out of the frame?
five.   Why does the officer not simply ''taze the chicken ''  to prevent escape of the chicken?
six....  Exactly whom (or who) is driving the troopers car or did he park it on the highway to persue the escaping chicken?
seven. I do not see a gun on the troopers belt.  Is he armed with a fly swatter?
eight.  Did this occur during rush hour?  If so, where did it occur please?
nine.   Did the trooper receive a commendation for the ''Great chicken persuit and capture and did they give him a new hat?''
ten.   I think we should spank the person that posted this picture........


When you see a vet,,,,,,,,, thank him or her for their service to this nation ....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on January 28, 2012, 09:56:27 AM
see how the punchline only is so fun?  saves typing, saves reading through typo's, and exercises your mind, trying to remember the joke, and when it comes back all the hand gestures and word nuances are complete.

Smothers Brothers really knew what they were doing!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on January 28, 2012, 10:34:11 AM
ten.   I think we should spank the person that posted this picture........
OOH, Seajay, I didn't know you cared. I so look forward to seeing you! :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 28, 2012, 11:18:45 AM
Sad day........really sad...........


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

Sad to say that the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He had just turned 71.

Doughboy was appropriately buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.



If this announcement has made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

posted courtesy the U.S. Navy News Service
Have you hugged a veteran lately?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on January 28, 2012, 01:34:46 PM
My Sister shared this w/me...

Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.
3.
No one expects you to run  --
anywhere.
4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.
8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.
9..
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.
10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.
12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13.
You sing along
with elevator music.
14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.
15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.
19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
the same night!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 28, 2012, 04:22:15 PM
Quote
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

To prove to the raccoons that it could be done.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Ray D on January 28, 2012, 04:42:15 PM
Quote
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
the same night!
  :o
 
That's not funny! Good medical advice!  ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 28, 2012, 04:56:44 PM
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 28, 2012, 04:58:13 PM
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 28, 2012, 04:59:32 PM
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 28, 2012, 05:00:50 PM
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: seilerbird on January 28, 2012, 06:02:28 PM
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

That joke is just plain silly.

Everyone knows vultures don't fly on airplanes.

It was a Condor.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: rsalhus on January 28, 2012, 10:22:35 PM
An older man said that his wife recently had her annual physical exam and that her doctor told her she had the breasts of a 30-year-old.  So then her jealous husband asked her "what did he say about your sorry 67-year-old ass?"  "Nothing" she replied, "he didn't say anything about you."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Luca1369 on January 29, 2012, 06:55:33 AM
Two Muslim men, Mohammed and Abdullah, met in the marketplace.  While chatting they found that they had a lot in common; both had sons who were terrorists.  Mohammed showed Abdullah a photo of his son who died while blowing up a car bomb, "He died a martyr" he said.  Abdullah showed Mohammed a photo of his son and replied that "My son was a martyr too."  Mohammed replied, "Yes, they blow up so fast don't they?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: mrschwarz on January 29, 2012, 08:46:49 AM
Well, following Bills suggestion, I've got one to tell.


27


Ken

I didn't find this one as funny as Bill's. I think it may have been his delivery.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 29, 2012, 08:55:06 AM
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY COURTESY OF THE U.S.NAVY......

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

U.S.NAVY  The ''Hammer of Freedom'' .... Dont mess with my NAVY..... cj .....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on January 29, 2012, 09:02:01 AM
90 year old woman just burried her husband..

Being depressed, she called her doctor to ask where her heart was. 

The Dr. Told her "just under your left breast"

She picked up a gun, and blew her left knee cap off.

Snare drum tadum dum!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 29, 2012, 09:18:28 AM

Quote
''Someone has to go WEE, WEEEE, WEEEEEEEEE all the way home.........''

one day the three little pigs went out to dinner. the waiter came over and asked, "what would you gentlemen like to drink this evening?" the first little pig said, "a glass of ice tea please." the second little pig said "an ice cold beer please." and the third little pig said "water please." a little while later, the waiter came back and asked "what would you gentlemen like to eat?" the first little pig said "a salad please." the second little pig said "ill have the same." the third little pig said, "water please!" the waiter looked puzzled and asked, "why have you ordered water for all of your courses?" the third little pig said,..........
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 29, 2012, 09:25:30 AM
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 29, 2012, 09:28:06 AM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 29, 2012, 09:38:26 AM
There are two statues in a park. One of a naked man, one of a naked women.

One day an angel comes down, explaining that the Lord has seen them to have been exemplary statues, so He is granting them one hour of life.

With that the statues come alive and the angel reminds them that they have one hour to do anything they wish. The two statues immediately join hands, smile and run off into the bushes.

There is considerable rustling in the bushes and giggling, and the poor little angel is blushing, desperately trying not to imagine what is going on between the statues.

Thirty minutes later the statues emerge, flushed and smiling at each other. The angel them reminds them that they have an additional half hour of life. The male statue looks at the female statue and says "Do you want to do it again?"

The female replies, "OK, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on his head."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bucks2 on January 29, 2012, 11:00:09 AM
I didn't find this one as funny as Bill's. I think it may have been his delivery.

The warm up band never gets as much applause as the headliner.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 29, 2012, 01:20:07 PM
.................... and then the traveling salesman leaned out of the barn loft and there was a beautiful young lady milking the cow.., She was well formed and simply divined, maybe 25 years old. 
The traveling salesman asked her what her name might be and she replied

"" They call me Baby"".... 

 "" What do they call you sir?''

''They call me the dang fool that slept in the barn''.................



I am so proud to have served my country......
God bless the USA......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 30, 2012, 07:32:55 AM
YOUR PUN FOR THE DAY PRESENTED BY THE U.S. NAVY....

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

U.S. NAVY  The ''Hammer of Freedom''......
(yep, that is my motto)....cj....
God bless all who serve this great nation..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 30, 2012, 12:03:31 PM
10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope & Johnny Cash...
 
Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: snix on January 30, 2012, 12:59:08 PM
Mr Smith lay in his hospital bed, his face covered by the oxygen mask.  When the nurse came in he asked her, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".  The nurse was somewhat taken back but wanting to comfort her patient she carefully pulled the blanket down and his gown up.  She carefully examined the organs in question and then said, "No, Mr. Smith, they are not black.  They look perfectly normal to me.".  Mr. Smith pulled down his oxygen mask, smiled warmly and said, "Thank you very much, nurse but please listen carefully; ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 30, 2012, 04:56:39 PM
I went up to the hospital to visit a friend that had been in a really bad auto accident.   My friend was in Critical Care with wires and hoses running everywhere and machines with dancing lines  on the wall.  His breathing was labored and I stepped forward to reassure him that he would be ok because he was young and tough.  As I stood there I noticed that one of the machines started going flat line and he was having trouble breathing.  He turned his head toward me and gasped for breath as he tried to speak.  I paniced and leaned over to try to understand what he was trying to tell me.  He grabbed my shirt and ripped a pen and pad from my pocket and scribbled a note and crammed it into my hand just before the alarms went off and my friend passed away.  I stepped back to give the doctors room to work and felt very special that he had wanted to communicate with me and write down his last wish.  I felt honored and unfolded the wrinkled note.  I read it slowly and this is what it said ...

(are you ready for this?)

''YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN LI.............''


God bless all persons that serve this nation.....cj....
 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bucks2 on January 30, 2012, 05:42:50 PM
A moron walks into a bar, he says: "Ouch".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 31, 2012, 07:32:09 AM
A ''Goose Mother'' rhyme from Seajay.....

Little miss Muffit
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whay........
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her ............
And she got up and stomped the crap our of him
Because she did not like SPIDERS......

Thank God for our veterans..... Many died for the freedoms we seldom think about ....cj.....

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on January 31, 2012, 03:20:59 PM
OOPS, appears Carson was offended by mine, and a few others it appears - so I took it down . . .    :) :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: carson on January 31, 2012, 03:25:57 PM
Talk about this subject going downhill.....  Unbelievable.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Luca1369 on January 31, 2012, 03:51:44 PM
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Author unknown
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on January 31, 2012, 05:49:10 PM
ANOTHER ''GOOSE MOTHER RHYME'' From Seajay

Little miss muffett
Sat on her tuffitt
Eating her curds and whay

Along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and said .....
''Hay,,,,,,,,, Whatca' got in the bowl girlie?''

I got some more but I can not post them here.........cj......

God bless our troops and lets bring them home NOW............CJ.....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: snix on February 02, 2012, 07:19:42 AM
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with cir...cle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: THEBigLarry on February 02, 2012, 07:35:27 AM
Two Irish men walked past a bar.   It could happen. . . ..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Gary RV_Wizard on February 02, 2012, 08:28:34 AM
Seajay's nursery rhyme reminded me of this old, old limerick:

There once was a lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on February 02, 2012, 09:04:47 AM
I once had a friend from the great state of Texas and he was really a nice guy until he had a couple of drinks and then he would start telling tall tales about Texas.   Everything was BIGGER IN TEXAS and he would tell stories that were impossible to believe.   I warned him about it a couple of times that he told a good ''story'' but it was way too exaggerated.  I told him that I would kinda watch him and when his tale got beyond belief, I would cough loudly and point my hands toward the floor as a sign to ''CUT IT DOWN A BIT'' so the tale would be more believeable.  He said OK and we went to a party together and he had a couple of drinks and started talking about his ranch in Texas.....

''My ranch down in Texas covers over ten million square miles and I got more than a million cows and I have the biggest barn in the world to house them cows.  I want everyone to know that that barn is FIVE MILES LONG''
Well, at this I knew it was time to ''tone down the tale just a little '' so I coughed loudly and pointed my hands toward the floor.
He picked up on my signal and stopped and thought a minute............
''Yep folks, I got a barn down in Texas that is FIVE MILES LONG............. Uhhhhhhhhhhh   ''And three feet wide''.

God bless our fire fighters and law enforcement personell that keep us safe........cj.....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on February 02, 2012, 09:16:21 AM
Marsha and Judy went across the tracks to a really seedie beer bar just to look around.  They went in and sat down at the bar and order a beer and were looking around at the patrons when this big biker type dude came in and sat down beside of Judy.  He ordered a beer and smiled at Judy.   Everyone sat silent and sipped their beers when Judy leaned over and whispered to Marsha that the ''biker dude'' was scratchin' his butt as they sat at the bar.
''Oh my God'' whispered Marsha.......... ''Lets leave''
Judy leaned over and whispered ....... ''We can't leave right now''......
''Why not for God sake''..... Whispered Marsha
''BECAUSE HE IS USING MY HAND'' whispered Judy........


Ten years is enough ..... BRING UM HOME NOW.......cj......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Luca1369 on February 02, 2012, 09:29:52 AM
Speaking of farmers in Texas, I once met one who bragged that on his farm it took him all day to drive from one end to the other.  I said "Yeah, I had a car like that once."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on February 02, 2012, 01:30:39 PM
My cousin Earl was almost deaf and he finally broke down and bought a hearing aid.  He was so happy and he came by my house to brag on his new ability to hear everything....

''I got this new hearing aid and I can hear everything now.  I can hear a Ford rust on a rainy nite.
''I can hear a gnat grit its teeth at 20 feet now''........''Man, I can now hear everything''
I was very proud of him and I asked
 ''What kind is it Earl?''
""ITS A QUARTER AFTER FOUR""..........
''Whats that got to do with my new hearing aid?''

Hug a Vet............. TWICE.......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bucks2 on February 03, 2012, 08:31:07 PM
When the size of Texas tales get too large I just tell the bragger that we're going to cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state. Yep, Alaska's that big.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alaskansnowbirds on February 03, 2012, 11:46:43 PM
When the size of Texas tales get too large I just tell the bragger that we're going to cut Alaska in half and make Texas the third largest state. Yep, Alaska's that big.

The Fairbanks North Star Borough School District is only slightly smaller than the states of Rhode Island and Connecticut combined.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: seilerbird on February 04, 2012, 12:40:10 AM
The Fairbanks North Star Borough School District is only slightly smaller than the states of Rhode Island and Connecticut combined.
That is not saying much. In California we have pot farms bigger than Rhode Island.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Lou Schneider on February 04, 2012, 02:02:56 AM
California's San Bernardino County at 20,105 square miles is only a little smaller than West Virgina and is larger than 9 other states.

Inyo, California's second largest county covers 10,227 square miles, making it larger than 6 states.

And there are 4 other counties larger than Connecticut, Delaware and Rhode Island.




Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on February 04, 2012, 08:55:47 AM
TODAY'S OFFERING:



There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,with the hope that at

least one of the puns would make them laugh.









No pun in ten did.




Aint you glad you are on my forward list now .........cj.....
God bless our troops
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on February 07, 2012, 09:09:51 AM




A while ago a new supermarket opened in Surprise AZ...

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
 
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
 
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
 
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
 


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.




Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: tstumpf on February 07, 2012, 03:13:39 PM
That is so funny! I quit shopping there when I was insulted everytime I grabbed a gallon of milk!  :o

-Roni
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: llib enad on February 08, 2012, 08:37:28 AM
A little boy ask his mother where he came from..  She told him God sent him down from heaven..  He then ask his father the same question---- father tells him the theory of evolution.   Boy tells mother that father said he came from monkeys.  Mother explained------I told you where my side of the family came from and your father told you where his side of the family came from.

Bill Dane     99  CC  Allure
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on February 08, 2012, 08:55:40 AM
My cousin Earl was almost deaf and he finally broke down and bought a hearing aid.  He was so happy and he came by my house to brag on his new ability to hear everything....

''I got this new hearing aid and I can hear everything now.  I can hear a Ford rust on a rainy nite.
''I can hear a gnat grit its teeth at 20 feet now''........''Man, I can now hear everything''
I was very proud of him and I asked
 ''What kind is it Earl?''
""ITS A QUARTER AFTER FOUR""..........
''Whats that got to do with my new hearing aid?''

Hug a Vet............. TWICE.......

That hit pretty close to home... ;) as I'm an owner of a pair.. :-X ...and answer that same question often as it was stated ??? ..I have found out I like the silence more often than people around me do... :P and think it is OK to laugh at myself.. ::)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on February 08, 2012, 09:29:52 AM
That hit pretty close to home... ;) as I'm an owner of a pair.. :-X ...and answer that same question often as it was stated ??? ..I have found out I like the silence more often than people around me do... :P and think it is OK to laugh at myself.. ::)
Eh?  (my new ones are still on the dresser)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on February 08, 2012, 10:34:35 AM
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
 
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
 
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.
 
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
 
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over to his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
 
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
 
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
 
Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'
 
Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: seabreeze331 on February 08, 2012, 04:47:34 PM
Doris and I were sitting in the swing last evening. She had her second glass of wine, me of course having none.
I hear her say " I love you sooo much, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life".
Being totally shocked I asked was that you talking or the wine?
Her reply, "Oh that was me talking.......................to the wine"  :'(
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on February 09, 2012, 08:08:13 AM
 I went to a seafood disco last week............... and pulled a mussel.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on February 10, 2012, 02:50:39 PM
your pun for the day.........

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.




He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"







The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: papachaz on March 01, 2012, 02:33:45 PM
DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry to country, sitting in rooms with spiesand world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had amess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the yard.'
Title: Post a joke 2
Post by: Mister880 on March 04, 2012, 10:26:00 AM
The Best Way To Sell Bibles
By - Stan Montgomery

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While Checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.  Jack, Paul and Louie  all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.  He sent the three men away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.  The following Sunday, the pastor asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door bible sales.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'  'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'  Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.' - The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional Salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, -  'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.  The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. - 'Louie, there's $3200 in here!  Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' - Louie just nodded.  'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we have.' - 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! Agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged.  'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?  - They still are!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jje1960 on March 04, 2012, 10:44:08 AM
DOG FOR SALE:

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's full of crap. He's never been out of the yard.'
I laughed hard at this one..... Just did the cut n' paste, it's going on my office door at work for tomorrow!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alaskansnowbirds on March 05, 2012, 03:14:59 PM
The Arrogance of Authority

     
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alaskansnowbirds on March 05, 2012, 03:34:46 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.  "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
 
 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on March 08, 2012, 08:45:04 AM
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.


He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Giles on March 09, 2012, 07:58:40 AM
Sam and Joe are playing golf.
A funeral procession comes by; Joe immediately remove his cap, holds it to his heart, and bows his head.
Surprised, Sam says: I have never seen you being so compassionate, what is it with you ?
Joe answers: I knew this woman very well, if she had lived one more day, we would have been married  40 years.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on March 10, 2012, 12:19:22 PM
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER


You're not going to check my trunk are you?

Hey, you musta been going at least 125 mph to keep up with me, good job!

I thought you had to be in reasonably good shape to be a cop.

Do I know why you pulled me over?  Why, don't you?

I was going to be a cop, but decided to finish high school.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: CarlGeo on March 10, 2012, 01:08:04 PM
NOW, that is funny!

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.


He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply

about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on March 12, 2012, 09:02:33 AM
from the ''Ah,,,,,,  Pshaw'' department by CJ....

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun!  What is a golf gun?'




'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: judway on March 12, 2012, 09:48:22 AM
Third grade joke!


Did you hear about the two caterpillars crawling through the woods?


One stopped and the other crawled on.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on March 13, 2012, 06:06:27 PM
Never mind ....cj....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on March 17, 2012, 12:23:59 PM
Senior Texting Codes:


ATD            At the Doctor's
BFF            Best Friend's Funeral
BTW           Bring the Wheelchair
CBM           Covered by Medicare
CUATSC     See You at the Senior Center
FWIW        Forgot Where I Was
IMHO         Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO         Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL            Living on Lipitor
LWO          Lawrence Welk's On
ROFL...CGU  Rolling on Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up!
WAITT       Who Am I Talking To?
WWNO      Walker Wheels Need Oil 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alaskansnowbirds on March 18, 2012, 01:12:06 AM
That is funny Daisy! The only problem is I can use a lot of them.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on March 18, 2012, 12:28:19 PM
Me too Don, that's why I posted them.  Figured I was not alone in this catagory.   Problem is, if I'd sent these to my grandchildren, they wouldn't get it.....   ;)

Daisy
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on March 18, 2012, 12:35:04 PM
Husband to Wife:

You know, back when I was 24, I was living in a cheap house, driving an old car, sleeping on a sofa bed, watching a 10 inch black and white TV, sleeping with a 22 year old.

Now I have a beautiful house, an expensive car, watching a 42 inch color TV and sleeping with a 72 year old woman.  You don't seem to be keeping up with your side of the bargain.

Wife Retorts: 

Go and find yourself a 22-year-old and I can fix it so you will soon be living in a cheap house and driving an old cheap car again!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jje1960 on March 18, 2012, 12:36:48 PM
Senior Texting Codes:


ATD            At the Doctor's
BFF            Best Friend's Funeral
BTW           Bring the Wheelchair
CBM           Covered by Medicare
CUATSC     See You at the Senior Center
FWIW        Forgot Where I Was
IMHO         Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO         Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL            Living on Lipitor
LWO          Lawrence Welk's On
ROFL...CGU  Rolling on Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up!
WAITT       Who Am I Talking To?
WWNO      Walker Wheels Need Oil

This was awesome, I'm LOL.... both laughing and living on Lipitor (or the generic equivalent...)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on March 18, 2012, 04:22:48 PM
Glad you liked it JJE.  Here's another

6 Good Things About Getting Old

1.  Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

2.  If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

3.  The stuff you buy today, won't wear out.

4.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5.  In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released.

6.  Your brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.   [I really resemble this one  ;D]
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jje1960 on March 19, 2012, 04:04:02 PM
Love No. 5... Something to look forward to!

5.  In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: carson on March 20, 2012, 02:34:29 PM
Is this a funny joke....or not?  Your opinion, please. I found it to be funny  not-so-funny myself.

  Went to a convenience/Gas station store today. Made a small purchase. The cashier was a bright looking young  guy, college age...may 20+ years old.

  I gave him a twenty plus the correct change. My change back was a 5 dollar bill. 

He said: here's $5 in change.
I said: Yea, that sounds right. I calculated that on my Abacus.
He said: I am surprised that you know what an Abacus is.. small grin.
I said. Well actually I used my slide rule.    Silence
I said: Do you know what a slide rule is?
He said: NO

I then proceeded to give him a one sentence tutorial of a slide-rule, re Engineers tool before calculators, move various pieces of the rule back and forth and read the answer with great accuracy. His eyes lit up.

  I advised him to get on his computer and google it. He said he most certainly would.
He said: Thank you.   End of story.

I hope I saved one soul, a product of the new generation educated in today's schools. Maybe he should have taken an History class...

Carson FL  87.3°
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on March 20, 2012, 03:40:18 PM
If I remember right an abacus is discussed in today's computer classes but a slide rule is not mentioned. I draw this from my daughters classes. I know that in my high school class the quickest way to be pinned as a nerd was to pull out a slide rule....been there..I was traumatized to the point I have never used one since.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on March 20, 2012, 04:43:10 PM
I kept mine in my pocket protector.

Jim
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Rancher Will on March 23, 2012, 10:29:52 AM
Now you all have me feeling crotchety. I still use my Mannheim Slide Rule, that I purchased when in college in 1954. It is quicker and more convenient than a calculator for many agricultural calculations and applications. Yes I have a calculator too and I use it for some things too.

I still use my original slide rule. My calculators seem to only last a year or two and have to be replaced or I lose them.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on March 23, 2012, 05:17:11 PM
My slide rule was a E6B.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Olys45 on March 23, 2012, 11:56:07 PM
That is not saying much. In California we have pot farms bigger than Rhode Island.

Heck I cover the area of three states in my job as the Veteran Services Officer for the State of Montana.

My area is about 500 square miles less than Maryland, Vermont and New Hampshire.

Oly
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on March 31, 2012, 01:02:19 PM
This from our English cousins...

After a busy day at work, an English fellow who had just boarded the train at Waterloo, settled down for a nap as far as his destination, Winchester.

But the chp sitting near him hauled out his mobile phone and started up:  "Hi darling, it's Peter.  I'm on the train...Yes, I know it's the 6:30 not the 4:30, but had a long meeting"

And it continued, "...No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss ... No darling, you're the only one in my life... Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

This conversation was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance yelled at the top of her voice,   "Hey, Peter, turn off that bloody phone and come back to bed!"



Beware, all you who insist on long conversations on your cell phones in my presence, I WILL GET EVEN!!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on March 31, 2012, 01:58:59 PM
Daisy, you are a Gem.........
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 31, 2012, 03:11:52 PM
A drunk staggered into the bar and asked for a beer. The attractive young bartender said 'Sorry, I think you have had enough." "Aw c'mon" "Sorry, no beer but you can have a coffee." The drunk left and a short time later rolled in the side door. "The girl, annoyed, told him "I have already told I am not serving you now OUT!!!" He mumbled a profanity under his breath and left. An hour later he fell through the back door and she came right unhinged. "No, no, no. Jesh tell me one shing. You work in every bar in town?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Ray D on April 01, 2012, 11:10:00 AM
Money can't buy happiness.
 
Money can buy beer.
 
That's close enough.  ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on April 07, 2012, 01:20:07 PM
A woman brought her pet duck to the pet hospital.  Very upset, she wanted to know if it were dead.  After examining the duck the doctor assured her, "your duck is dead."   

"You didn't even take a test!  Maybe it's in a coma."

"If you insist," the doctor told her.  A black Labrador walked into the room, sniffed the duck and shook his head as he walked out.  Next, a big white cat jumped up on the table and sniffed the duck end to end.  He meowed, jumped off the table and sadly left.

The doctor then walked to the printer and grabbed a paper. 

"$150.00 to tell me the duck is dead?!!"

"Well, if it weren't for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, the bill would have been $20.00."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom and Margi on April 07, 2012, 01:55:05 PM
Good one, Daisy!
 
Margi
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jje1960 on April 07, 2012, 02:22:03 PM
Hee eheh eeh e very good !
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on April 08, 2012, 06:56:54 PM

A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 among them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.
 
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the  Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover, and there were lots of cute girls.
 
Ten years later, at 35, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
 
Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
 
Ten years later, at 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.   
 
Ten years later, at 65, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
 
Ten years later, at 75, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
 
Ten years later, at 85, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.................................CJ.....................
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on April 09, 2012, 12:10:31 PM
Safe Sex . . .  8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: snix on April 16, 2012, 07:28:32 AM
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on April 16, 2012, 09:53:45 AM
Saw this on Face Book today and it made me smile.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on April 18, 2012, 10:02:08 AM
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on April 18, 2012, 10:06:19 AM
COLD WINTER

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."                                                         

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."                                                         

Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed up now."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BernieD on April 18, 2012, 10:54:48 AM
Seajay

You forgot A&P merging with Stop & Shop -> Stop & P
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on April 18, 2012, 10:59:03 PM
Seajay

You forgot A&P merging with Stop & Shop -> Stop & P

Seajay, your joke strikes too close to home for many older RVers.
Bob
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on May 03, 2012, 10:52:33 AM
A fellow from the city went duck hunting - and shot one that first landed on a barn, then fell into the fenced yard behind the property home. So he knocked on the door and asked if he could retrieve his duck.

The farmer told him that if a duck landed on his property, it was "his" duck, not the shooters duck. That's the way we decide such things in the country. The shooter protested again explaining how "he" shot the duck so no matter where it landed - it still belonged to him.

After going back and forth for awhile, the farmer suggested they settled it the way "farmers" settle such disputes. The shooter asked what that was. The farmer explained that we take turns kicking each other in the groin until one or the other gives up. The other then wins and and in this case keeps the duck. The shooter thought a bit and as he was obviously quite a bit bigger than the farmer agreed. The farmer explained that it was his property so the rule was that he go first - to which the shooter agreed.

So -- they face off and after the shooter takes a deep breath and indicates he is ready, the farmer kicks him in the groin very very hard. The shooter collapses in pain, rolls around on the ground crutching his groin. His face turns beet red in agony - tears filled his eyes as he tried to catch his breathe once again. It was at least 5 minutes before he could struggle back to his feet.

Once he was able to stand again and able to talk, he said to the farmer with the sound of vengeance in his voice, "Well, I guess it's my turn now"



The farmer replied, "No, that's alright -- you can keep the duck" . . .
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Ray D on May 15, 2012, 10:43:32 PM

The economics of Washington. The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.
 
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?   ??? ::)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on May 15, 2012, 10:47:36 PM
The economics of Washington. The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.
 
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?   ??? ::)
Could be this is what happens when you introduce your too austere program. :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: PancakeBill on May 26, 2012, 07:26:19 AM


Options




 
I got bored while drinking beer at home......so I went down to the local Pub where I noticed two large women by the bar.
 
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
 
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
 
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
 
That's the last thing I remember...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on May 26, 2012, 02:19:17 PM
A woman returned from church and surprised an intruder robbing her home.  She yelled Acts 2:38, which means "Repent and be Baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven!

The burglar stopped in his tracks, and surrendered.  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer was cuffing the burglar, he asked him, "Why did you just tstand there when all the lady did was yell a Scripture at you?"

"Scripture?!"  replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and Two 38's!!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on May 26, 2012, 02:23:31 PM
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery.  He insisted his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

He told him, "Don't be nervous son, just do our best.  If something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Happy Prospector on August 13, 2012, 06:44:27 PM
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.


They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alaskansnowbirds on August 21, 2012, 03:12:13 PM
Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.

Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.

Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

"Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Icemaker on August 29, 2012, 04:23:25 PM
I see Walmart so often mentioned I had to pass this on

At Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it from someone else. Share and make someone else smile today..

George
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jdillard on August 29, 2012, 11:56:52 PM
My husband said the spark had gone out of our relationship.  So, I tasered him!!!!  I plan to ask him again when he gets up!!!  :))
Title: Low self-esteem
Post by: rogerskevin67 on September 18, 2012, 07:51:49 AM

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Mr Bojangles on September 18, 2012, 03:19:11 PM
A horse goes into a bar and stands at the bar...
The BAR tender asks:
"Why the long face?"

Henny Youngman??
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on October 08, 2012, 01:39:17 PM
The local politician was campaigning and went to the Indian reservation to rustle up some votes. When he was with the land agent and the local Chief he told the gathering that if he was elected he would build more schools the people yelled out Heemawaka!  He would build a hospital. The people exclaimed Heemawaka!  More jobs Heemawaka!!!!!!

When the rally was over, the chief took the politician on a tour of the reservation.  As they walked through the fields the chief showed off his prize bull; he told the politician to be careful and not step in any Heemawaka!

Jim
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on October 08, 2012, 03:22:59 PM
Three friends found themselves ship wrecked on a desert island -- no info on how the got there.

One evening they found a bottle washed ashore - so they popped the cork and a genie emerged - that told them they could make one, and only one wish each. So advised to be very careful with their wish.

The 1st friend thought hard - and wished he was back with his family. Immediately, he was gone and back with his family.

The 2nd friend listened and made the same wish, to be back with his wife and children. And immediately, he too was gone and back with his family.

The final and now lone friend was single and having a tough time making up his mind - especially knowing he only had one wish. After much frustration and not able to come up with a wish, he said to the genie,

I sure wish my friends were here to help me . . .
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Luca1369 on October 08, 2012, 05:21:23 PM
Four SEC football fans met atop Stone Mountain just outside Atlanta.  One was from LSU, one was from the University of Alabama, one was from the University of Florida, and one was from the University of Georgia.

After a few cocktails and much hoorah concerning their teams, the LSU fan jumps up and screams "This is for my Tigers" and jumps off the mountain.  The Alabama fan then rises and screams "Roll Tide" and jumps off the mountain.  The Georgia Bulldow fan jumps up and yells "Go Dawgs!" and throws the Florida fan off the mountain.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: loddy on October 08, 2012, 08:07:07 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD


AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"



He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."



George said, "Okay.."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30.



Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
   
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Gord Nelson on October 08, 2012, 08:55:31 PM
Bank robber walks into this bank, mask over his face...approaches the teller and says "this is a stickup", in his loudest and most frightening voice. "Stuff all the cash in this bag".  He hands the bag to the teller who dutifully complies.

Robber turns and walks out, but just as he is approaching the door, the Security Guard lunges at him and tears off his mask.  Robber recovers and says "You saw my face.  I gotta' shoot ya."  Whereupon he dispatches the Security Guard with his .45 cal.  He then turns around and sees the teller looking at him. "Hey, you saw my face too.  I have to shoot you", and he did.

By this time all the other people in the Bank were looking down at the floor and being very quiet. (Obviously, nobody there was 'one brick short of a load!)

So, the Robber says, "Any of the rest of you see my face?" 

An old Farmer standing near the front of the crowd carefully raises his hand.

"Did you see my face, you old coot?"

"No sir", he said, "but I think my wife got a pretty good look at you".

(With profound apologies to all the wives, whom we all love dearly, I'm sure.  I know I do...and I told her so, before I told her the joke!!!)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Kamper Dave on October 29, 2012, 01:30:28 PM
I heard these while working this summer:

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you have been in it for awhile it’s not so hot.
OR
My first wife was a “Test Pilot”…………… at a broom factory.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: loddy on October 30, 2012, 07:16:10 PM
Hi.

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." Laughing Laughing Laughing

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: loddy on October 30, 2012, 07:19:44 PM
Spin Doctors at work

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY!

Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: loddy on October 30, 2012, 07:31:05 PM
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
He found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
Beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
The cart and poured it over the little guy,
Reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
Answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize..'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
The three things I would want... A great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
The woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now..'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
All right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.. I did that fer yer
Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
Situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
And pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
And says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job..
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a small parish.
   
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on October 30, 2012, 07:34:49 PM
Why do I believe that (The political spin story)  is not a joke but a fact :)?

Oh well, you got to know folks the best jokes are true stories,, I mean absolutly true stories.

Man calls 9-1-1 (No,  If you don't believe me perhaps I should tell you I'm the one who answered that call).  He's telling me about the car in front of him swerving all over the road, clearly he's drunk (I notice the caller is a bit slurred)  Troopers are dispatched,

The "Reported" Driver was going straight down the road.. The caller,, Went strait to jail.. What charge.. Well you see that car in front of him did appear to be weaving from where he sat.. Weaving his drunken way down the road.

Got logged as a good call. The man reported a drunken driver, We arrested a drunken driver...   Could be worse....

Car pulles in to a State Police parking lot, parks in the NO PARKING zone, the couple get out, arguing, and the man who was driving (Observed to be driving by the desk Sgt.) comes in and loudly demands a breath-a-lizer test.. Seems his wife claimed he was too drunk to drive,  He disagreed..

He was

So was she

But she got to go home in a yellow cab
He went to his hotel room in a blue one... And that hotel, they don't give you the key.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on October 30, 2012, 08:10:57 PM
This was sent to me by a pilot friend who knows that I worked with NASA and was in many meetings with the astronauts.  I can't claim to be a pilot as I never soloed!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people have come to the conclusion that these are characteristics of fighter pilots:

They are cold, steely-eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things; however, they can also be very charming and personable.

The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.

These feelings generally just don't involve anyone else.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on November 01, 2012, 12:10:24 PM
I can't claim to be a pilot as I never soloed.

I've never soloed either but I recall Sven and Ole going to the unemployment office. When Ole was asked what skills he had for a potential employer, he answered. "I'm a pilot". The clerk allowed that it would be difficult finding a job for someone like Ole and his skills. When it was Sven's turn he said "the only job he'd ever had was chopping wood." The clerk told him there were plenty of jobs chopping wood. Sven asked if Ole could work with him. "Why no", said the clerk, "Ole is much to important!" "Ha!" Retorted Sven. "Alvays, as soon ust I finish da chopping, den Ole pile it"!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Chet18013 on November 01, 2012, 04:01:51 PM
An  80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor                                  was  amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked 'How do you stay in  such great physical condition?'
   
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,'  said the old fellow 'and that is why I am in such good shape.  I am up well  before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a wee nip  of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'
   
'Well,' said the doctor 'I  am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.  How old was your Dad  when he died?'
   
'Who said my Dad died?'
   
The doctor was  amazed.  'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive.   How old is he?'
   
‘He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish  golfer.  'In fact he golfed wi me this mornin', and then we went to the beach for a walk and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still  alive.  He is a Scot and he is a golfer,                                  too.'
   
'Well,' the  doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.   How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?'
   
'Who  said my Grandad died?'
   
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are  80 years old and your grandfather is still living!  Incredible, how old is  he?'
   
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish  golfer.
   
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point.  'So,  I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
   
'No. Grandad  couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
   
At  this point the doctor was close to losing it.  'Getting married!!  Why  would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
   
'Who said he  wanted to?'
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: wstuart on November 04, 2012, 08:29:41 PM
Best birthday present
 
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday,” Little Johnny said to his Grandfather. “It’s the best present I ever got.”

 “That’s great,” said his Grandfather, “do you know how to play it?”

 “Oh, I don’t play it,” Little Johnny said.

 “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: newfurrows on November 12, 2012, 04:35:16 PM
So; It seems that he british army is in Ireland (go figure).  For some reason or another,armies ”take hills".  Anyway there was a hill with a problem: There was an Irishman on top of the Hill shouting insults at the British. 

The British commander decided to do something about the problem.  He detailed two (2) men to "get that guy and take that hill

They simply do not come back.  The Irishman is back on the hill as before.

The British commander, hoping for success, sent a dozen soldiers.  "Get that guy; take that hill".

As with the two earlier;  the dozen soldiers do not return.

With understandable consternation the British commander sends one hundred men to; well, you know.

Three days later one (1) lone British soldier returns on his hands and knees; unable to walk.  Before collapsing dead, face first into the Irish soil he croaks: "It's a trick; their's two of them"

Dan Nelson (I know it's political; We're like that up here.)

                                                           
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom on November 12, 2012, 10:12:06 PM
That's, at best, a fairy tale  ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on November 13, 2012, 09:21:06 AM
That's, at best, a fairy tale  ;)
Who is the fairy? :D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: newfurrows on November 15, 2012, 05:56:45 PM
Tom,

Denial is a powerful thing.  Got that one from a Brit.  Must be true.

Dan
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom on November 16, 2012, 01:34:10 AM
Dan,

I never heard that in the 32 years we lived in the UK or the subsequent 32 years we visited. I must be in denial   ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on November 16, 2012, 08:39:02 AM
Dan,

I never heard that in the 32 years we lived in the UK or the subsequent 32 years we visited. I must be in denial   ;D
Maybe that's because it was said about "Eastern Europeans" instead of Brits & Irish.  At least it was told that way in my youth.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on November 16, 2012, 02:45:49 PM
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman thought for a minute, then answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on November 18, 2012, 09:22:46 PM
How do you keep a turkey in suspense . . . . ?


. . . I'll tell you tomorrow.  :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: joelmyer on November 19, 2012, 09:03:44 AM
I loved it Bob!

Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into the bar and asked for a beer and a mop?

Joel
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on November 25, 2012, 12:10:25 PM
Entering a pharmacy, an elder couple told the clerk behind the counter, "We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medicine, circulation medicine, and medicine for rheumatism?"

"Of course we do, all kinds," the clerk answered.

Well, do you sell suppositories, medicine for memory, heartburn and indigestion?"

"We sure do.  We sell about anything you need."

The elder man continued, "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and adult diapers?"

"Yep!" was the reply.

The two elderly people smiled at each other.  "That's great!   We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry...."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on November 30, 2012, 08:40:18 PM
Advice for an old guy…..
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in….
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
“What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer looked me over and said;’ I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”

Just Don whats a ATM?? 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Mr Bojangles on December 03, 2012, 04:52:36 AM
                                                                            Drunk logic
Mike and Pat, two drunks, enter a bar with a large mirror on wall behind the bartender, partially obscured with bottles on selves.

After settling in at end of bar, they can barely see their images threw shelves and recognize themselves as someone they know….

Pat, getting up from his stool, says to Mike, “let’s go over and buy them a drink”.
And Mike, seeing Pat move in mirror, says, “sit down, I think their coming over here, let’s save a buck, let them buy”.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Seajay on December 03, 2012, 07:38:27 AM
A lady walked into the corner market to buy some groceries.  The local town drunk wandered in behind her for a bottle of wine.   The lady got a shopping cart and put in eggs, coffee, bread and milk and headed into the ten item limit check out line.  She noticed that the ''drunk'' was right behind her.  She put her items on the convayer and watched while they were scanned and put into a bag.  The ''drunk'' was leaning on the edge of the convayer and said .......'' I bet a dollar you are a single woman''.............    Amazed the lady turned to the ''drunk'' and said ''Yes, I am single, but how could you possibly tell that I am single from the groceries I put up,  that is not possible''.     The drunk just grinned and said..    ''Here is how I could tell that your are single,,,,  IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FLAMIN' UGLY''................CJ.....

Thank a vet for your freedoms..... Some died to get them for you while you slept safe and warm...... think about it......cj
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on December 04, 2012, 03:46:25 PM
This was forwarded to me  and My Grandson had a problem the last time he was in C. so this sort of hit home.



    I was in downtown Las Vegas the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."

    So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on December 04, 2012, 09:42:36 PM
What do you get when you mix vodka  with milk of magnesia?

. . . A phillips screw driver.  :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on December 04, 2012, 09:52:58 PM
Teaparty
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 05, 2012, 08:31:39 AM


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stackof 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
 
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
 
 The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
 
 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
 'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.
 
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
 
 

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
 
 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
 
 Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
 
 Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
 
 Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
 
 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
 
 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.'
 
 BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
 
 You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on
 
 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bucks2 on December 05, 2012, 11:21:01 AM
What do you get when you mix vodka  with milk of magnesia?

. . . A phillips screw driver.  :)

And Vodka and Prune Juice is a......... PileDriver

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on December 05, 2012, 12:05:49 PM
NOT PC but imported rum and orange juice is a ....cab driver....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 16, 2012, 06:48:58 AM
There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people , I did just as she
had instructed. With my shirt & jacket on the counter and my pants around my
ankles, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my damned credit card!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I feel they need to make their
instructions to us senior citizens a little clearer!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jje1960 on December 16, 2012, 10:27:43 AM
No matter I am a fomer Marine with 11yrs of Service... I laugh at all service jokes!

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
 
___ (a) build a bridge
 
___ (b) sail the ocean
 
___ (c) lead an army or
 
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
  ___ (a) Jewish
  ___ (b) Catholic
  ___ (c) Hindu 

  ___ (d) Polish
 
___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? 

  ___ (a) Westerners 

  ___ (b) Southerners 

  ___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton 

Bush: ________________ 

Carter: ______________ 

Clinton: _____________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from? 

___ (a) Macy's 

___ (b) a 7-11 

___ (c) Canada 

___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? 

___ (a) yes 

___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? 

___ (a) New York 

___ (b) Florida 

___ (c) Canada 

___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C. 

___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on December 22, 2012, 01:46:17 PM
A Condor tried to board an airliner carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant stopped the Condor and said

"I'm sorry sir, you are only allowed one carry on." (boom crash)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on December 22, 2012, 02:35:35 PM
Then there was the cannibal who upset his wife by being late for dinner -- so she gave him the cold shoulder.

or,

The cannibal that had a sign over his front door that read, "I have never met a man I did not like".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: joelmyer on December 22, 2012, 03:11:21 PM
which reminds me, I once worked with a man named George Myers (no relation).  There was a sign on his office door reading:

"Will Rogers never met George Myers"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on December 22, 2012, 03:32:43 PM
True story. When I was a teenager my older sister was dating a guy named Lynn Pace. After dating him for a few months for some reason she dropped Lynn and started dating his brother, Benny Pace. I figured the reason was obvious, she wanted a change of Pace.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on December 22, 2012, 03:40:33 PM
Young cannibal looked up into the sky a pointed out too his mother a plane passing overhead.  "mom is that good to eat"?

Mother said to son.  "Son That is like a lobster, hard shell on outside, sweet meat inside."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bob Buchanan on December 22, 2012, 06:13:56 PM
Cannibals don't eat clowns -- because they taste funny . . .
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on December 22, 2012, 06:25:56 PM
Cannibals don't eat clowns -- because they taste funny . . .
You are correct, cannibals don't eat clowns, vultures do.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 23, 2012, 12:04:59 PM
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his family in the jungle?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: hpykmpr on December 24, 2012, 04:59:57 AM
    Options
    Embarrassing Sex Stories
    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

    The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
    The man replies ''Yes, it is''
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$250"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
    "How much?"
    Boy - "$750"
    Man - "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
    your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy - "$1,000"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
    that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 25, 2012, 07:14:42 PM
Like that last one too..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 25, 2012, 08:04:14 PM
....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 25, 2012, 08:50:26 PM

There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people , I did just as she
had instructed. With my shirt & jacket on the counter and my pants around my
ankles, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my damned credit card!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I feel they need to make their
instructions to us senior citizens a little clearer!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on December 26, 2012, 07:41:19 AM
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. It was Christmas and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Paula. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Paula what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, her dog Lola looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 I must admit I thought about zapping Lola (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
 So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

 The directions said:
 a one-second burst will shock and disorient your assailant;
 a two-second burst will cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
 a three-second burst will make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
 Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

 I'm sitting there alone, Lola looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

 I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

 I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The dog was cowering on the mantle above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 Note:
 If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution . . . . 
 There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
 A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of  smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
 I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on December 29, 2012, 08:49:57 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"It tells me Kemo Sabe dumber than buffalo dung.
It means someone stole the tent. "

Ta Dum Snare Drum!!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: whiteva on December 29, 2012, 09:23:29 AM
Shot a 22 pound turkey with my 12ga shotgun this morning.
.
.
.
.


The judge said I have to pay for the turkey, the freezer and apologize to all the people in the store.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: muskoka guy on December 29, 2012, 12:10:28 PM
three ladies go up to heaven. st peter meets them at the pearly gates and says come on in ladies but i have to warn you that there are a lot of ducks in here and if you step on one you will be chained to an ugly person for all eternity. days go by and the first lady steps on a duck. sure enough here comes st peter and chains this ugly man to her for all eternity. weeks go by and the same thing happens to the second lady. the third lady says i will be extra careful not to step on any ducks. months go by and all is well. one day saint peter comes up to the third lady with this very handsome man and chains him to her. she looks up at  the handsome man and says , gee what did i do to deserve this pleasure. the handsome man looks down at the lady and says. lady i dont know what you did but i stepped on a duck.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Luca1369 on December 29, 2012, 01:37:46 PM
My ex had never gone deer hunting before, she really didn't know much about it, and asked to accompany me one Saturday morning.  We entered the woods and I set her up in her very own tree stand and told here that I would be a short distance away in my own tree stand and if I heard her shoot anything I would be there as quick as I could. 

A while later I heard her rifle...bang...bang...bang, bang, bang, bang.  I sprinted down the hill to where she was and came upon a man with his hands up, he was talking to her saying "Okay lady, okay, it's your deer...I just want the saddle."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: wstuart on December 29, 2012, 07:12:26 PM
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. He asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The clerk says, ''$2,000.'' The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The clerk says, ''This parrot is very special. He knows how to type." The man asks ''What about the green one?'' The clerk says, ''He costs $5,000 because he knows how to type and can answer incoming phone calls.'' The man asks about the red one. The clerk says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The clerk says, ''I don't know but the other two call him boss.''
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: wstuart on December 29, 2012, 07:13:54 PM
My wifes favorite!
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can get rid of him for the weekend."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on January 03, 2013, 07:39:59 AM
Four out of three people have trouble with fractions. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on January 03, 2013, 06:07:04 PM
I had to explain that to my wife....... :o
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 05, 2013, 01:29:19 PM
This guy has captured my current life quite well.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: carson on January 05, 2013, 01:57:51 PM
Thanks, Tom. It's been a while since I really had a good laugh.

  Now, what was that clip i just viewed....?

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: wstuart on January 05, 2013, 05:30:33 PM
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present.
What do you think it all means?'
 'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
 
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.
 Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on January 05, 2013, 06:07:19 PM
That Max guy is one cruel joker!    ;D ;D ;D

Daisy aka Jemima
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 05, 2013, 06:20:13 PM
That Max guy is one cruel joker!    ;D ;D ;D

Daisy aka Jemima
And probably pretty lonely now. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom on January 05, 2013, 06:23:32 PM
Not to throw a wet blanket on the topic, but I really have an issue with folks who insist on forwarding every joke they've read on the internet to my private email box. Some get miffed when I say "please remove me from your distribution list for this stuff; I already receive it from several other folks".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom and Margi on January 05, 2013, 09:19:18 PM
Not to throw a wet blanket on the topic, but I really have an issue with folks who insist on forwarding every joke they've read on the internet to my private email box. Some get miffed when I say "please remove me from your distribution list for this stuff; I already receive it from several other folks".

Amen!
 
Margi
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: llib enad on January 05, 2013, 09:53:15 PM
     Redneck walks into a coffee shop carrying a shotgun and a paper bag, orders a cup of coffee, and chats with a few of the customers.  Turns to leave, throws the bag into the air and shoots it with the shotgun and then leaves.  A few days later he returns with the same gun and a new paper bag.  The manager meets him at the door and wants to know why he  made such a mess and then left.  The redneck explained that he was in management training and he needed to learn how to have coffee with the fellows. shoot the shit and leave the mess for someone else to clean up.

Bill Dane    99  CC  Allure
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Mr Bojangles on January 06, 2013, 05:12:22 AM
A story seen in local Bimonthly publication: (Little Mountain Printing, Berks Co. Pa.)  called the FISH WRAPPER.
                                                         
                           "Pretzel Charity"
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Everyday a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."







 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on January 06, 2013, 09:05:42 AM
Not to throw a wet blanket on the topic, but I really have an issue with folks who insist on forwarding every joke they've read on the internet to my private email box. Some get miffed when I say "please remove me from your distribution list for this stuff; I already receive it from several other folks".
Amen to that. I simply don't allow people to send me anything. With the first forward someone sends me I shoot back an email and ask them to please don't ever send me any forwards. The second time I have to tell them I get nasty. The third time I create a filter and send their junk to my trash can.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on January 06, 2013, 08:45:53 PM
I agree..
Title: Need a smile ?
Post by: Jim Godward on January 08, 2013, 08:44:07 PM



     
    Abe & Esther
     
    Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
    Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad  news.
    Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt  an emergency landing.
    Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and  we  should be able to land on the beach.
    However, the odds are that we  may never be rescued and will have to live on the island
    for the rest of our  lives!"
    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
    An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill  yet?"
    "No, sweetheart," she  responds.
    Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay  our American Express card yet?"
    "Oh, no! I'm  sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she said.
    "One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the  instalment cheque for the income tax this month?" he  asks.
    "Oh, forgive me, Abe,"  begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
    Abe grabs her and  gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks  him,
    "What was that  for?" 
    Abe answers, "They'll find  us!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: muskoka guy on January 13, 2013, 03:44:04 PM
a guy decides he will build a shed. he goes down to the lumber yard and says i need some 2 x 4s. the clerk asks, how long do you want them. the guy looks at him kinda funny and says , well im building a shed so i am going to need them for quite awhile.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Don on January 13, 2013, 07:38:41 PM
Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining his kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandra Denis’ pregnancy, the artist created hilarious explanatory photo series titled “How to Make a Baby (http://sosuperawesome.net/post/37354359230/how-to-make-a-baby-by-photographer-patrice-laroche)”.                                                     
The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra’s belly expanded.
The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.
Edit: Replaced attached photos with link to source.
Title: Attenfing a funeral
Post by: taoshum on January 17, 2013, 09:22:32 AM
Reflecting on my discussion, he mentioned that he was making the toddies for visitors. Being a Scotsman, he may not have wanted to share too much of his liquor  ???

Oldie: three elderly men attend a friends funeral.  The Frenchman rises and walks to the casket, says a few words and leaves 100 Euros.  The German rises and walks to the casket, says a few words and not to be outdone by the Frenchman leaves 200 Euros.  The Scotsman rises and walks to the casket, says a few word, leaves a check for 500 Euros and takes the cash.
Title: Things i learned living in the south
Post by: mnmnutswer on January 17, 2013, 09:57:05 AM
Things i learned living in the south
________________________________________
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South,
plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's
supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with sugar. It is referred to as the
Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is,
you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect, or animal

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but
require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and
gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is..

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can
drive!!!

Title: Re: Things i learned living in the south
Post by: captsteve on January 17, 2013, 11:17:34 PM
Quote
Things i learned living in the south ....

AND "Bless your heart" is not a blessing!!! lol
Edit: Reduced extensive quote.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: yolo on January 21, 2013, 07:02:42 AM
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I
don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another
man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on January 23, 2013, 12:31:16 AM
I'll use that one Bago..funny!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Daisy on January 31, 2013, 03:42:26 PM
WHY HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!

Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor ' s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ' Shingles. ' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, ' Shingles. ' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ' Shingles.. ' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ' Shingles. ' The doctor asked, ' Where? '

Kevin said, ' Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ' em?? '
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on February 03, 2013, 09:57:11 PM
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.

edit:fixed extremely small font size -LS
Title: "Two Brothers" Something to make you smile
Post by: JW of Opechee Shores on March 06, 2013, 02:19:14 PM

Two young brothers ages 7 and 6 where up in the room early one morning when the older one says to the younger one, I think we are old enough to start cussing; I will say **** and you say hell when we go down to breakfast. Their mother calls them for breakfast and the two head downstairs where the mother says to the oldest "What do you want today". The oldest says I'm tired of the same old "****" I'll have some Cheerios: with that the mother races around the table and slaps him on the side of the head, then drags him upstairs to his room with him kicking and screaming. The mother comes back down and says to the younger brother "OK what will you have for breakfast". The younger one give here a pensive look and says " I sure as hell don't want no Cheerios"
Title: New K Mart TV Ad - Listen closely . . . . . .
Post by: THEBigLarry on April 15, 2013, 07:23:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL4lSavSepc

A new K-Mart ad that is certainly making the rounds on the internet, though I have not seen it on the cable/air.

Listen closely.  The double entendre can be tricky. . . . .
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alaskansnowbirds on April 15, 2013, 05:59:10 PM
  Problem at ACE HARDWARE

There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets,  the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me!"

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that  she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Ned on April 15, 2013, 06:38:40 PM
That's an image I didn't need tonight :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom and Margi on April 15, 2013, 07:08:26 PM
Ha Ha ... this one might make it to the Timber Valley Friendship Hour.
 
Margi
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Mr Bojangles on April 16, 2013, 06:10:20 AM
The sad thing is:
I may have understood what she (cashier) meant, but Looking for any opportunity.....
Well, you get the picture.
I've got to get my mind right!  :P

"Now that there's funny." he said egotistically.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: russellm on April 16, 2013, 08:57:14 AM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: DRam on July 27, 2013, 08:44:55 PM
Ole had a bit of a tough day down at his fish processing business.  When running the slicer that took the heads of he somehow ran both hands through.  All ten digits on his hands fell on the floor.  Somehow he managed to use his nose to dial 911, and got outside.  An ambulance arrived, he was packed in and taken to the emergency room.  There a doctor stemmed the bleeding and then asked Ole where his fingers were.

 "Back at the fish house," he answered.

"Good Lord man, if you had brought them we could re-attach them.  With today's techniques you'd even be able to use them.  Why on earth didn't you bring them?"

"Vell," said Ole, "how vould I pick 'em up?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on July 27, 2013, 09:52:01 PM
Why Chapstick was invented.

Cowboy was sitting in front of a saloon, when a dusty cowboy rode into town. He got off his horse went around to the back of his horse. He lifted the horse's tail and proceeded to kiss the horses ass.

The cowboy who was watching the whole thing could not believe what he saw.  He went to the dusty cowboy and asked him what he was doing?

The dusty cowboy said he was so dry his lips were chapped. 

The cowboy said that helps the lips?

The dusty cowboy said NO, but it keeps me from licking them........
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on July 28, 2013, 07:30:05 AM
THE DEAD COW LECTURE

 This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.
 
  First-year students at the Purdue Veterinary School were attending
their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
 
  The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his
finger in his mouth.

 "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
 
  The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
 
  When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: carson on July 29, 2013, 03:48:49 PM
New ideas on RV conversions and repairs.... Redneck style

Enjoy....    >>>   http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/redneck_vehicles.htm

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on August 10, 2013, 08:48:42 AM
One day an  Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw  a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's
certainly not a ship.'  As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule
out even the  possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
   
    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit
stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
   
    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
   
    'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
   
    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
   
    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.  'Faith
and begorrah' said the castaway' that is so  good! I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
   
    'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers
Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.
   
    Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
   
    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to  him.
   
    He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the
gods!' shouted the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
   
    At this  point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
   
    With tears  in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too?'
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: ndaugbjerg on August 10, 2013, 10:51:30 AM
Word of the week: (this applies to a lot of us oldtimers)

             "Exhaustipated"   When you are too tired to give a shit.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Wi1dBill on August 10, 2013, 05:36:13 PM
Old Navy Guy  goes down to the ship yards dressed  in his old navy uniform and start as telling the young sailores about the old days... after their watch they in invite the old guy out to the bars for a drink.  After a couple hours the old guy picks up a hooker and take her back to his place.. After a bit he's on top pumping away and asks "How I'm  doing?

She relies 3 Knots..

3 Knots what  does that mean?
She says " Not Up
                Not In
                And getting your money back
                 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 05, 2013, 01:40:19 PM
Two elderly women were out driving in a large Motor Home. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my, am I driving?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: inscop on October 06, 2013, 01:44:15 PM
Lawyer Jokes.......................

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Man, it is cold.
How cold is it?
It's so cold, I saw an attorney with his hands in his OWN pockets.

What's the difference between an attorney and a prostitute?
A prostitute will usually stop screwing you when you die.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on October 07, 2013, 10:17:12 AM
An man staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby
darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and
proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble
his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his
wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied,
Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at
the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but, mostly....it's all those darn  Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: TonyDtorch on October 07, 2013, 09:23:35 PM
California joke'

One moon lit night my girlfriend and I were up at lake Arrowhead necking in the car... and things were getting kinda heavy,

and she asked me if I would kiss her where it smells.

reluctantly, I did what I had to do........... I drove her down to Norco..

 ::)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on October 09, 2013, 01:42:54 PM
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: inscop on October 09, 2013, 06:37:02 PM
So that's how it's gonna be, huh?  We're gonna pick on seniors???

The old guy's cell phone rings and he answers it.  It's his wife.

"Honey, I knew you were going to be on Route 30 and they just announced on TV there is a wrong way driver, so be careful."

"ONE!  There's HUNDREDS of them!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on October 09, 2013, 06:51:25 PM

 Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question
was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground
where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on October 09, 2013, 07:54:36 PM
 We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV, iPad (internet access, that is) were shut down. And it was raining, so I couldn't golf.

So I talked to my wife for a few hours.............She seems like a nice person.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: TonyDtorch on October 09, 2013, 08:52:21 PM
an elderly lady going down a Texas highway was going a bit too fast so a state trooper hit his lights and pulls her over.

as he approached the drivers side window he notices a revolver on the dash,

 he asks the old lady, "ma'am, is that gun is loaded?

and she says "yes it is",

he asks her if she has any other firearms in the car, she says...... "yes, I have loaded 380 auto in my purse and a loaded 45 in the glove box"....

the officer says to her..." ma'am....what exactly are you afraid of ?"

she says......"Not a damn thing, officer"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on October 10, 2013, 01:52:51 PM
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Louie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on October 10, 2013, 02:07:42 PM
True story...really..I heard this as a joke but got to use it later.

I told my ex-wife later after everything had been settled and cooled down that I had considered giving her everything....our truck, corvettes, home, and airboat. under one condition. She thought that was nice and smiled saying "what made you consider that after such a rough divorce". I replied that the condition was that she had to get remarried first so there would be at least one SOB wishing I was still alive.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: gwcowgill on October 16, 2013, 09:44:24 PM
Went to my Cardiologist the other day...
He said I needed to have a stress test so I asked him why and he said what do you mean?

I said I am married!

The wife said wait till you get home!

True story.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on October 16, 2013, 10:36:25 PM
Why do I believe that (The political spin story)  is not a joke but a fact :)?

Oh well, you got to know folks the best jokes are true stories,, I mean absolutly true stories.

Man calls 9-1-1 (No,  If you don't believe me perhaps I should tell you I'm the one who answered that call).  He's telling me about the car in front of him swerving all over the road, clearly he's drunk (I notice the caller is a bit slurred)  Troopers are dispatched,

The "Reported" Driver was going straight down the road.. The caller,, Went strait to jail.. What charge.. Well you see that car in front of him did appear to be weaving from where he sat.. Weaving his drunken way down the road.

Got logged as a good call. The man reported a drunken driver, We arrested a drunken driver...   Could be worse....

Car pulles in to a State Police parking lot, parks in the NO PARKING zone, the couple get out, arguing, and the man who was driving (Observed to be driving by the desk Sgt.) comes in and loudly demands a breath-a-lizer test.. Seems his wife claimed he was too drunk to drive,  He disagreed..

He was

So was she

But she got to go home in a yellow cab
He went to his hotel room in a blue one... And that hotel, they don't give you the key.
A local boy was arrested for indecent exposure, he was caught relieving himself in a public place. He wrote to the newspaper complaining about his treatment by the police. Yes he was drunk and yes it was inappropriate but felt over a dozen police and six squad cars were overkill for his offense. After all he cooperated with the arresting officers. The resulting investigation of his complaint revealed the incident took place took place in the detachment parking lot at shift change.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on October 17, 2013, 08:46:25 AM
Subject: A New Study
 
A South American scientist, from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient sexual activities read their e-mails with
their hand on the mouse.
 
Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on October 17, 2013, 06:07:13 PM
I would post a joke save Nov is coming and on the 1st Tuesday after the 1st monday.... Well you know what happens then.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on November 03, 2013, 09:09:54 PM
We thought it might be time to once again share a precious moment from the film 'Buck' where Betsy recites Buck's favorite joke; from a time when Buck was a little bit younger.

“'A sea captain sees an armed pirate ship approaching in the distance, and yells to his men, ‘Get me my red shirt so that if they hit me they won’t see me bleed!’
Moments later, to his profound shock and dismay, he sees approaching over the horizon a dozen other armed pirate ships behind the first one, and yells to his men, ‘Get me my brown pants!’”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: inscop on November 04, 2013, 03:36:14 PM
There are too many jokes posted to read them all, so I searched for a keyword prior to posting this.  Hope this is not a repeat:

A drunk stumbles into a church and wanders around until he finds the confessional.  He steps inside and closes the door.  The priest, clears his throat, with no response.  Finally, he taps on the window to which the drunk replies, "No use knocking, Buddy.  There's no paper on this side either.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: tstumpf on December 02, 2013, 09:52:28 AM
What do you call a backseat driver? A nagavator.

My Samsung Galaxy is set to "postman", so every time I get a new email or (or purchase confirmation), a bell rings. Trevor's new saying this season: "Every time a bell rings, Roni got some new things". Man, do I get in trouble when my mother's on the computer sending me all the forwards in her in box! Ring, ring, ring!!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: tstumpf on January 01, 2014, 10:53:00 AM
Holiday Woes

The wail heard around the campground: "Does my butt make these jeans look small?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on February 10, 2014, 12:16:54 PM
I just got this on in my Email.  Enjoy!

http://biggeekdad.com/2010/10/side-by-side/ (http://biggeekdad.com/2010/10/side-by-side/)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on February 28, 2014, 04:55:39 PM
Considering the weather in the Midwest now, I have to post this one.  Sorry guys!



God created the Midwest

On the    sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create an area of land called The Midwest.   It will be a land of    outstanding natural beauty.   It shall have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout,  forests full of deer and turkeys, valleys with fertile soil with an  abundance nutrients    to grow things, and rivers teeming with fish." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Midwesterners, and they shall be known as the most friendly
people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Midwesterners??"
 
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on February 28, 2014, 05:36:17 PM
Very good Jim. I am an ex-midwesterner so I loved it.

Some one asked me if I believed in astrology. I told him I was a Gemini and Geminis don't believe in astrology.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on March 01, 2014, 10:15:34 PM
Gemini's are always over-weight.....

They are eating for two...

Jim
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Godward on March 01, 2014, 10:23:46 PM
Gemini's are always over-weight.....

They are eating for two...

That must be my problem.  Now to find a solution and get the Dr's off my back!   :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: TonyDtorch on March 01, 2014, 10:34:39 PM
What kind of pizza did the Dalai Lama order....?

"One with everything"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RVn00b on March 01, 2014, 10:39:42 PM
I admit to being late to the party, so forgive me if you've heard this before.

Lil' Boudreaux and Lil' Thibideaux were out fishin' in the woods out by Bayou Teche one lazy summer day.  All of a sudden, the calm is shattered by a Game Warden jumping in front of the boys and shouting "LEMME SEE YO' FISHIN' LICENSE!"

Well, cher, Lil' Boo knew just what to do.  He t'roo down his cane rod an' took off thru the Bayou wit' the Game Warden in hot pursuit.  They zigged and zagged thru the Bayou, duckin' vines and dodgin' branches till, about a half-mile away, Lil' Boo ducked behind a cypress tree, grabbed his knees, and gasped for breat'.  The Game Warden tackled Lil' Boo, straddled him, pinned down his shoulders and shouted again "BOY, I SAID LEMME SEE YO' FISHIN' LICENSE!"  Wit' dat, Lil' Boo reached into his back pocket and pulled out a valid fishing license.

The Game Warden can't believe what's just happened.  "Boy, you must be some prize idiot," he says to Lil' Boo.  "Whatchoo doin' runnin' from me when you got a valid fishin' license?"

At that, Lil' Boo stops panting, smiles mischievously at the Game Warden and answers calmly "My fren' back there--he ain't got one."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on March 02, 2014, 01:49:08 PM
  two nuts were strolling down a dark New York alley; one was assaulted.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Lowell on March 22, 2014, 02:13:30 PM
To excite your neighbors, rename your wifi router to" NSA van23"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on March 22, 2014, 07:22:46 PM
A rabbi, priest, and Baptist minister walk together into a bar. The bartender looks up, shakes his head, looks down at the bar and says "is this a joke?".
Title: Awakened at night
Post by: redlabel on March 31, 2014, 07:29:18 PM
In the middle of the night a lady wakes up to find her husbands hand sliding over her breast and down along her side.
He continues on down her leg to her knee and runs his leg up along her inner thigh. He continues up to her other breast
and again down her side to her knee and caresses her inner thigh again. Suddenly he stops and rolls over. The wife now
aroused and realizing it has been a while pokes her husband and asks him why he stopped?

The husband answers, "found the remote".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: halfwright on March 31, 2014, 08:41:00 PM
I did have my network named FBI Surveillance Van. My new one e is CIA Drone Control
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on March 31, 2014, 10:26:57 PM
I did have my network named FBI Surveillance Van. My new one e is CIA Drone Control
Mine is named "Mind your own business".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Frizlefrak on March 31, 2014, 11:26:47 PM
Brunette goes to the doctor and proclaims "everywhere I touch myself, it hurts".  To demonstrate, she touched her ear and yelled "OUCH!".  Then she touched her knee and yelled "OUCH!!" .  Then she touched elbow and yelled "OUCH!!!".

The doctor said...."You're actually a blonde, aren't you?"

She replied...."Yes, how did you know?"

Doc replied...."Your finger is broken"

 :) :) :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on April 02, 2014, 04:47:33 PM
a patrolman pulls over an open top corvette with a blond driver. The woman at the wheel is wearing headphones attached to an mp3 player in her lap. The Trooper, now at her carside, asks her to remove the headphones and the blond just shrugs; the Trooper now gestures angrily to the driver to remove her headphones. The blond just shakes her head. no. So the officer reaches over the driver door and pulls off her headphones himself. In just a few seconds the blond's eyes roll back, her head drops forward; she appears dead. The officer happens to hear what her headphones have been playing "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, .........."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on April 04, 2014, 04:00:52 PM
My apologies to blond folks everywhere, but some jokes are too good to ignore. I hear many a joke re: my ethnic heritage and take no offense----as long as the party offering the joke is aware of the possibility of perpetuating stereotypes for the unsophisticated. No excuse, I suppose, but here comes another one---
    Two blonds are walking along a street; one stops, stoops over and picks up a flat folding plastic item from the sidewalk. After looking at it for a moment, she says to her companion " You know, I've seen the woman in this picture before". The second woman takes the item from her friend and, after looking at it for a moment says " Of course, it's a picture of me." She then puts the compact into her purse.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on April 17, 2014, 01:43:25 PM
2 atoms strolling along, one says to the other, hey, be more careful, you've knocked an electron off me; 2nd atom--- "oh come on, are you sure?" "I'm positive!".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: ranger magnum on April 17, 2014, 09:37:43 PM
A pirate goes to the doctors office complaining of a pain in his groin. The doctor takes a look and says to the pirate "there's a steering wheel in your pants." The pirate says "aargg, I know, and it be driving me nuts! "
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on April 18, 2014, 09:26:30 AM
It was said that Mahatma Ghandi, while walking across India, did the entire trip on bare feet. His diet consisted of mainly curried items which left him in a relatively weakened condition and with bad breath. One might say he was a  -----  super calloused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis.
Sorry
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on April 23, 2014, 10:57:49 AM
Here's another rather labored joke.
    A marine biologist had discovered a method to keep dolphins alive nearly for ever. It involved, however, the slaughter and use of Mynah birds. Needless to say, this process was abhorent to all animal lovers and PITA (it's radical elements especially). The government was interested in this biologist's work for clandestine reasons and would go to extreme measures to protect the project. These measures included chaining 2 fully grown aggressive lions to either side of the bldg. entrance where the research took place, to discourage protesters from entering. The lions had been trained to allow the researcher to enter the lab. though, of course. One might say he was ----transporting mynahs across state lions for immortal porpoises.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on April 23, 2014, 04:32:35 PM
Here's another rather labored joke.
    A marine biologist had discovered a method to keep dolphins alive nearly for ever. It involved, however, the slaughter and use of Mynah birds. Needless to say, this process was abhorent to all animal lovers and PITA (it's radical elements especially). The government was interested in this biologist's work for clandestine reasons and would go to extreme measures to protect the project. These measures included chaining 2 fully grown aggressive lions to either side of the bldg. entrance where the research took place, to discourage protesters from entering. The lions had been trained to allow the researcher to enter the lab. though, of course. One might say he was ----transporting mynahs across state lions for immortal porpoises.

GROAN!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: llib enad on May 12, 2014, 08:30:28 AM
When you are in your 80's , life is still enjoyable.  Example: wife and I have sex nearly every night of the week.

Nearly on Monday

Nearly on Tuesday

Nearly on ----------

Bill Dane
99 CC  Allure
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on May 13, 2014, 05:54:36 PM
Entropy ain't what it used to be.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: vmyoung61 on June 14, 2014, 08:04:27 PM
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he should be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leave a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond . . .
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on June 15, 2014, 09:49:32 AM

A patient in an asylum for the disturbed is in the attending psychiatrist's office for his weekly therapy session. The Dr asks the pt. to climb up a small ladder to retrieve a text from a high shelf for him. Upon reaching the top step and reaching for the book, the patient says "You know, these backless robes that we have to wear here make me feel very paranoid." The doc says "well, I can clearly see you're nuts."   








dr
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Oakman on September 18, 2014, 08:58:29 AM
I had to share this one from Larry the Cable Guy.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: oldme on September 18, 2014, 12:59:48 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their
8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.. .

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson' s have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle .."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on September 19, 2014, 10:02:14 AM
 :o Please keep in mind when reading the following joke that the person who sent it to me is not only my brother, but an attorney.
     What do you have when you have 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?


     Not enough sand.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on September 27, 2014, 10:27:01 AM
So, we were in the back yard toasting marshmallows for making s'mores when we heard a siren nearby.  Then we realized it was a firetruck coming down our street.  We ran to the front to see what was going on only to find our neighbor's house directly across the street was in flames.  The husband was standing out front with his wife.  We ran across the street to them.  The wife was sobbing on her husband.s shoulder.  So sad.  Then she looked up and glared at us.  It was a scary look that really surprised us.  Then we realized we were still holding our marshmallow sticks with fresh marshmallows stuck on the end.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: mypursuit on September 27, 2014, 12:02:38 PM
Two young girls decided that they haven't seen there Grand Ma for quite some time so they pay her a visit.
Once inside and settled on the couch the small talk begins.
As they are talking the girls notice a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and start helping themselves.
Soon it is time to leave and the girls apologize for eating all the peanuts, saying they will bring some next time they visit.
Grand Ma says," That's ok and kind of you but don't bother.  Since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them anyway."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 30, 2014, 08:45:45 PM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: inscop on October 07, 2014, 12:03:17 PM
More lawyer jokes.  Sorry if any are repeats.

What is brown and black and looks good on an attorney"

A Doberman.

Yesterday, it was really cold.

How cold was it?

It was so cold, I saw an attorney with his hands in his OWN pockets.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: lucille on October 08, 2014, 01:27:33 PM
Tongue in cheek: Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm schizophrenic and so am I.  : - )
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on October 11, 2014, 08:37:01 AM
I love myself, but it's unrequited.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on October 13, 2014, 10:34:13 AM
 A few one liners;

     No matter how you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

     A hole has been discovered in a nudist camp wall, police are looking into it.

     A toddler swallowed some coins, when his uncle called the hospital to find out his status he was told "no change".

     Don't join dangerous cults, practice "safe sects".

     The short fortune-teller that escaped from prison might be said to be a small medium at large.
     


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: THEBigLarry on October 15, 2014, 06:41:40 AM
I read a statistic recently that most American men had sex on average
of twice per week.

The same statistics indicate Japanese men had sex on average of four
times per year.  I found this very disturbing.  I had no idea I was Japanese.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on November 01, 2014, 10:13:50 AM
 Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets' and only ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.        He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.   
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.        Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.        Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!        When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.         To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one.   
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Cheltenham Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded old Butch the " No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.        Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.         Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on November 01, 2014, 02:57:35 PM
A few more one liners:

I went to an opthamologist  while touring Alaskan islands, you might say he was an optical Aleutian.

A rubber band was confiscated from a student in an algebra class because it could be a weapon of math disruption.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France might end up with linoleum blown-apart.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on November 03, 2014, 03:59:05 PM
> I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
>>>>
>>>> We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>>>>
>>>> I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>>>>
>>>> The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
>>>> orange, and blue.
>>>>
>>>> My dad kept staring at her.
>>>>
>>>> The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
>>>>
>>>> When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
>>>> "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
>>>>
>>>> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't
>>>> choke on his response; I knew it'd be good!
>>>>
>>>> In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
>>>> "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: TonyDtorch on November 03, 2014, 10:06:48 PM
I named my dog "Five Miles".

just so I can tell my friends I walk Five Miles every day.....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on November 03, 2014, 10:16:07 PM
THE DEBT CEILING EXPLAINED

* Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING

* SO - Allow me to explain.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in
your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do -- raise the ceiling or pump out the crap?
Your choice is coming in November.
Title: My Wife Said...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 11, 2014, 07:21:07 PM
Recent conversation with the wife...

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on November 12, 2014, 06:28:17 AM
Good one.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on November 15, 2014, 10:33:32 AM
yet more one liners;
   She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    A butcher backed into a the meat grinder a got a little behind in his work.

    A dog gave birth to puppies on a roadside and was cited for littering.

    Two silk worms had a race, but they ended up in a tie.

    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    Two hats on a rack; one says to the other "you just hang out here, I'll go on ahead.

    Atheism is a not-prophet enterprise.
 8)

   
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on November 15, 2014, 03:41:28 PM
Speaking of religion. I once dated a Jehovah's Witness, but it didn't work out and I had to break it off. I think it really bothered her because she kept knocking on my door!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: mypursuit on November 15, 2014, 07:46:13 PM
I saw a sign the other day that said," Need Help?   Call Jesus, 800-555 4321." I did and a guy showed up with a lawn mower. 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on November 16, 2014, 09:02:23 AM
Saw a hitchhiker along the road the other day holding a sign that said "heading for heaven", so I swerved and hit him---always trying to help folks get to their destinations, you know.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on November 16, 2014, 10:04:36 AM
What is the best things about kids?  Making them!!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on November 16, 2014, 03:32:23 PM
This is not a joke, because it really is pretty darn cold here...How cold is it?


 Its so cold I just farted snow flakes.



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on November 19, 2014, 08:35:08 AM
I recently read a statistic that said the average american male has sex twice a week and the average Japanese male has sex only four times a year.
This was very disturbing to me, because I just realized I'm Japanese!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on November 19, 2014, 10:06:34 AM
I recently read a statistic that said the average american male has sex twice a week and the average Japanese male has sex only four times a year.
This was very disturbing to me, because I just realized I'm Japanese!
You recently read that statistic here a few posts back. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on November 20, 2014, 08:38:45 AM
You recently read that statistic here a few posts back. ;D
Actually I got it in an email, but I'll try to do better next time.  :)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question 'what is the resurrection', a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said,
'I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.'
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue the service.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on November 20, 2014, 12:23:56 PM
Actually I got it in an email, but I'll try to do better next time.  :)

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon.
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial,
but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question 'what is the resurrection', a little boy raised his hand.
The priest called on him and the boy said,
'I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.'
It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue the service.
That's better. :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on November 20, 2014, 01:05:02 PM
Happy Harragin (Also known or rather played by Art Linkletter) on his actor's show (The Art Linkletter show) used to feature a segment "Kids Say The Darndest Things".

Well, long and short of it is.. They do too.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on November 20, 2014, 04:26:49 PM
The Power of the Torah
 

A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble.  His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody.

It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.  As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your  chumash [a term for Torah in printed form as opposed to the Torah scroll]  in your car and drive down to the beach.

Take  the beach chair and the chumash to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the chumash  in your lap.  Open the  chumash; the wind will riffle  the pages, but finally the open  chumash  will come to rest on a page.  Look down at the page and read the first thing you see.  That will be your answer.  That will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him.  The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.  The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious.

"You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with a chumash in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SMR on November 20, 2014, 06:24:57 PM
dreaming.....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on November 20, 2014, 09:17:16 PM
Quote
Happy Harragin (Also known or rather played by Art Linkletter) on his actor's show (The Art Linkletter show) used to feature a segment "Kids Say The Darndest Things".

Well, long and short of it is.. They do too.

Darndest thing my son ever said....When he was 5 years old, standing behind 3-4 cops during a neighborhood festival at a park.... "Mom, is it true cops only go out after coffee and donuts?  :-[
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on November 21, 2014, 08:22:27 AM
Blond inventions:

water proof towel

a book entitled "how to read"

a dictionary index

inflatable dart board

powdered water

water proof tea bag

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on November 28, 2014, 06:58:18 AM
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his widow. Trouble is, she can't touch it until she is 14.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on November 28, 2014, 08:59:39 AM
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
You think they went after water??
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on November 29, 2014, 07:37:42 AM
  A wife standing nude in front of her husband asks him; "what turns you on most about me, my intelligence, my face, or my body?". He replies; "your sense of humor".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: THEBigLarry on November 29, 2014, 03:34:49 PM
  A wife standing nude in front of her husband asks him; "what turns you on most about me, my intelligence, my face, or my body?". He replies; "your sense of humor".

When is the funeral?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Foxysdad on December 01, 2014, 07:47:28 PM
Hypnotist at a Senior Home


 It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

 After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
 for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

 Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
 trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,"
 said Claude.

 The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew,
 from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and
 chain.

 "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
 watch high for all to see.

 "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
 six generations," said Claude.

 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
 chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

 The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

 The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

 A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
 swaying watch.

 They were all hypnotized.

 And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

 The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

 "SHIT," shouted Claude.

 It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens'
 Centre and Claude was never invited back again.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on December 04, 2014, 03:29:43 PM
2 blonds flying to Miami:
   15 minutes into the flight, the captain announces "An engine has failed, not to worry though, we've still got 3 others, however the flight will now take 3 hours longer". Thirty minutes later the captain announces "Folks, we've lost another engine, but don't worry we still have 2; the flight will, unfortunately, now take another 3 hours to arrive". An hour later the captain announces "One more of our engines has failed, but we're safe, we still have one engine; again, though, the flight will now take yet another 3 hours to complete, Sorry." One blond looks at the other and says "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on January 15, 2015, 07:24:34 PM
Recently there were a flurry of colonoscopy jokes posted. I occasionally work in a GI(gastro-intestinal) suite administering anesthesia to the patients. One of the questions we occasionally hear is "is there a difference between the endoscopy scopes used for an upper GI tract (EGD) procedure and the ones used for a lower tract (colonoscopy) procedure?".  Well, yes actually,-------- the taste.

Just a joke
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: THEBigLarry on January 15, 2015, 08:34:16 PM
My friend Henry Wishard explained the difference between a
Plumber and a Pipefitter.  He said a Pipefitter will bite his fingernails.

You have to think about it for a minute or two.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on February 15, 2015, 03:30:09 PM
Aging Baby Boomers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTja7wGSbHc
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on February 17, 2015, 10:31:51 AM
A boy in biology class asks his teacher ""can kids our age have children?"  His teacher responds emphatically, "no, never!"   The boy leans over to the girl sitting next to him and whispers "see, I told you not to worry."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on February 17, 2015, 11:42:49 AM
 A man returns home a day early from a business trip.  It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money!
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
 He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
 He paid for your  Miami Heat season tickets.
 He paid for our house at the lake.
 He paid for your African safari and 4 x 4.
 He paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on February 17, 2015, 12:51:42 PM
SMART CABBY!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on February 17, 2015, 09:07:05 PM
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?”
Dr. Drobkin replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away.”
“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.
“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”
The clerk consoled him, “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”
Dr. Drobkin replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my embarrassment.”
“Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, many years.”
The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on February 28, 2015, 07:14:01 AM
I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on February 28, 2015, 08:13:42 PM
Three  friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and  friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them  to say?' 
 
Artie  said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual  leader, and a great family man.' 
 
Eugene  commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of  God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' 
 
Al said:  'I'd like them to say, 'Hey look, he's moving!' 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: newfurrows on March 01, 2015, 07:43:06 AM
That would work for me Tin Man.  Dan
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on March 01, 2015, 10:55:01 AM
A man goes  to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to  you about it.' 
 
The Rabbi  asked, 'What's wrong?' 
 
The man  replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' 
 
The Rabbi,  very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' 
 
The man  then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I  do?' 
 
The Rabbi  then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out  and I'll let you know..' 
 
A week  later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three  hours. You want my advice?' 
 
The man  said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'. 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on March 01, 2015, 03:42:43 PM
A blond asks a passerby in the street, "Excuse me, would you tell me the time please?"  Response "11:25". The blond gazes at the person with a perplexed look and says "It's the weirdest thing, today I've asked the same question 10 times and every time the answer's different."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Carl L on March 02, 2015, 04:19:15 PM
A man goes  to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to  you about it.'
 
The Rabbi  asked, 'What's wrong?'
 
The man  replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
 
The Rabbi,  very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
 
The man  then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I  do?'
 
The Rabbi  then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out  and I'll let you know..'
 
A week  later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three  hours. You want my advice?'
 
The man  said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'.


Paraphrase of an old British political bon mot involving Winston Churchill and Lady Astor.  As reported in the Wikipedia article on her: 
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on March 02, 2015, 09:38:32 PM
You have to love British Humor.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on March 06, 2015, 02:51:18 PM
 Two blonds in a parking lot trying to unlock their car using a coat hanger. 1st blond "I can't get this door unlocked", 2nd blond    "Better hurry, looks like it's about to start raining and the top's down".
   
     Sorry, can't stop there; two roommates are watching the 11pm news together; one blond, the other a brunette. A man was shown  threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The brunette says "I'll bet you $50.00 he'll jump." The blond takes the bet; the man jumps. The brunette says to her roommate "You don't need to pay me, I saw this on the 5pm news." The blond replies "I'll pay, I saw the 5pm news too, but I didn't think he'd jump again."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on June 23, 2015, 06:58:30 PM
Some dads are just Mechanics at Heart


        It's all in the mechanics of the conversation:

        The daughter asks her Dad,  "Dad there is
      something that my boyfriend said to me, that I
didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a
fantastic bumper."
 
      Her Dad replied,  "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens
      your hood and tries to check your oil with his
dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and
he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 24, 2015, 04:13:44 AM
That is not a joke (Though it is funny) that is every father of every daughter since EVE.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: grashley on September 11, 2015, 12:29:30 PM
Wal-Mart banned me!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Stolen from another site.  I only wish I could claim this!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on September 11, 2015, 05:24:15 PM
What to do if a Blonde throws a grenade at you. Pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: grashley on September 11, 2015, 10:18:04 PM
Three blondes walk in a bar and ask for a table for 12.  The bartender obliges. Soon, 2 more  blondes come in to join them, then 4 more!  Soon about  20 blonds are crowded around the table, chanting 58 DAYS!   58 DAYS!    58 DAYS! The bartender can't take it, so he goes over to ask about the chant, 58 days!  They explain they had a jigsaw puzzle which they worked together to complete in just 58 DAYS!  The side of the box said 2-4 YEARS!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Gary Hageman on September 13, 2015, 02:41:13 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you ?".

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on September 15, 2015, 03:48:13 PM
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on September 15, 2015, 04:04:25 PM
There s/b like a button.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John Beard on September 15, 2015, 04:36:16 PM
A prostitute just said she's do anything for $10.00.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Guess who just got their car washed?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: grashley on September 15, 2015, 08:54:54 PM
Here is a REAL groaner, but it is clean and repeatable.

What do    John the Baptist   and   Winnie the Poo  have in common?



Think hard!



It's not honey




They have the same middle name.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on September 16, 2015, 04:54:36 PM
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde girl go to a water park. At the waterslide, the attendant tells them that the ride's magic and if they yell out their favorite beverage while sliding down, they'll land in that beverage. The redhead goes down the slide yelling 'lemonade" and, sure enough, lands in a pool of lemonade. The brunette slides down while shouting "root beer" and, lo and behold, lands in a pool of root beer. The blonde (short memory you know) slides down yelling "weeeeee".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: grashley on September 16, 2015, 08:10:06 PM
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them over very carefully, then asks them,  "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on September 17, 2015, 05:16:57 PM
 A novice monk joins a monastery that has just begun the practice of complete silence, no words are to be spoken by the monks, but for one exception----once every 7 years each monk is allowed to speak one sentence. Seven years later, at dinner, a monk stands and says "The buns are stale.". Another 7 years elapses and at dinner, a monk stands and says "the glassware is filmy.". Yet another 7 years passes and the once young novice monk stands at dinner and says "I'm outta here, can't stand all the bitchin'.".
Title: Check up Keep your brain nimble....
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 20, 2015, 09:56:25 PM
Yearly Dementia Test -- only 4 questions

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!



Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

                       

1. What do you put in a toaster?







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else ... Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.







2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?













 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk, ' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.


















3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks, ' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass, ' go on to Question 4.






4. Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.

 In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

 In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

 In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven...














Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?










 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer : Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!!

 (Go back and look!)




If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!



OK ... Or just go have another glass of wine ... Nothing will matter in a few hours ... And you will definitely NOT be driving the bus!!


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: HueyPilotVN on September 26, 2015, 03:03:20 PM


   Got my gun permit yesterday.... and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm
> for home protection.
>
> When I was ready to pay for  the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
>
> Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
> running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.
>
> When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
> was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
>
> I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
>
> They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
>
> I still don't think I looked that bad....
>
>
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on September 29, 2015, 07:24:52 AM
A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that
afternoon? The son says "I did some schoolwork" The Robot slaps the son.
The son say "OK, OK I was at a friend's house watching movies".
Dad asks what movie did you watch? The son says "Toy Story." The Robot slaps the son.
The son says "OK, OK we were watching porn!" The dad says "what? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The Robot slaps the father! Mom laughs and says "well he's certainly your son!" The Robot slaps the mother.
Title: The Stella Awards...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 15, 2015, 12:25:14 PM
The Stella Awards!

Have not seen this one for a while It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for year -- 2014:

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen

Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more ... Double hand scratching after this one...

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot...

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE absolutely brilliant!

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: camperAL on October 22, 2015, 07:48:03 PM
Pulled over for speeding


A  mature lady gets pulled over for  speeding...  

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?  
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.  

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.  

Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.  

Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Traffic Cop:  Why not?

Older  Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.  

Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.  

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
The  woman steps out of her vehicle.  

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer  2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.  

Officer  2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite  stunned.  

Officer  2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.  

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license quizzically.  

Officer  2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman:  Bet the lying son of a gun told you I was speeding,  too.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on October 23, 2015, 10:34:49 AM
A blonde working in an office notices that her female boss left early every day with an hour or more of work day still remaining. The blonde decides she'll take off early right after the boss leaves the next day and see how it works out. The next day, after her boss leaves, she also leaves, planning on getting some chores at home done. Upon her arrival home, she starts to go into her bedroom to change clothes, but opening the door, sees her husband in bed making love to her boss.  The next day at work, her coworker asks her if she was planning to go home early each day; she replied that no, she almost got caught.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 25, 2015, 03:25:40 PM
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart



A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Title: Love...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 02, 2015, 08:52:04 PM
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love ... who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand ... what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Title: Driving in Florida...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 13, 2015, 05:19:40 PM
You will have seen these instructions before however a refresher course on driving in Florida is always a good idea. 8)

Driving Directions in Florida

When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75," "take I-4" or "take I-95."

When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew. ;D

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. To 10 A.M. And 4 P.M. To 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.

Freeways can only go north and south ... Not east and west except Alligator Alley.

Tolls are a fact of life; the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 ( Tampa area) will always be under construction ... that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.

Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.

If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost! If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to BACK UP!

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number ( I. E. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection,

Eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.

Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. ;D

Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake,

Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.

In south Florida the four seasons are summer.

There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays ... Not weeknights or weekends ... that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside.

But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be canceled...

The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades.

You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.

Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.

True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami...

These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin.

Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least one piece of gold.

Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.

Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers.

When seen the head always has white hair and over-sized, black wrap-around sunglasses.

This would be even funnier if it weren't so true! 8)

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on November 13, 2015, 09:48:07 PM
A retired teacher told this one the other day. The student was doing math homework at the table and talking to himself. "5+3 and the sunofabeech is 8. 6+3 and the sunofabeech is 9". His mother was horrified, contacted the school and demanded to know what was being taught. The teacher roared. He had said 5+3 and the sum of which is 8
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BinaryBob on November 13, 2015, 10:53:32 PM
 I just returned from a symposium of enterprise risk managers.
At the hotel where the event took place, a guy who obviously had too much to drink took the center stage.
He grabbed the microphone and announced, "All risk managers are crooks. If you disagree, come on up here and challenge me."
At that moment, a guy stomped forward and yelled, "I resent that remark!"
The guy holding the microphone said, "Are you a risk manager?"
The other guy said, "Hell no! I'm a crook!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: TonyDtorch on November 26, 2015, 12:32:24 AM
breaking Hollywood news.........

One in every two and a half men has AIDS......
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: TonyDtorch on November 26, 2015, 12:34:42 AM
 breaking World  news ........it looks like Russia will be having Turkey for Thanksgiving...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on December 05, 2015, 08:15:59 PM
Recently a cardiologist died, at his funeral there was a huge heart shaped  form behind his casket. After the final eulogy had been delivered by a family member, the heart opened with a sliding door and the casket was wheeled into the heart, then the heart's door was closed to end the ceremony. A loud guffaw was heard coming from the crowd of mourners; as people turned to see who would show such disrespect to the deceased and his family, the laughing man said that this ceremony had him considering his own funeral in the future---he was a gynecologist. At this time another person fainted---a proctologist.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on December 05, 2015, 08:20:12 PM
The old adage "money talks" is right on----mine says "goodbye".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on December 22, 2015, 10:18:31 PM
https://www.facebook.com/RVRepairClub/photos/a.822656964478055.1073741828.808486539228431/900422656701485/?type=3
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: winona on December 22, 2015, 10:40:42 PM
Why did the pirate take a vacation?

He needed some RRRRR and RRRRR.


What kind of socks does a pirate wear?

RRRRgyle
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: llib enad on December 23, 2015, 09:03:00 AM
     Paster came into the 4 year old sunday school class and told the children that they are remembering military members that have died. 
a little boy ask where they had died.  The minister told him that had died in service.  Little boy ask if it was the 9 o'clock or 11 o'clock service.

Bill Dane
99 Country Coach Allure
Now in Foothills [Yuma]
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on December 24, 2015, 07:04:43 AM
Blonde jokes...
DISNEYLANDTwo blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
 
Title: Seenager Thoughts
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 31, 2015, 03:05:56 PM
2016 Seenager Thoughts to Ponder

Thought you would like this, I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne. Life is Good!

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this. Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too. and finally, Merry Christmas and a Happy 2016
Title: Re: Seenager Thoughts
Post by: Stephen S. on January 02, 2016, 03:14:26 PM
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!!

When you enter a room and don't remember why you came in there, what really happened is you interrupted an extra-terrestrial doing something. And when the Men In Black finished taking care of the situation, they erased your memory of the event. But since they didn't know why you were walking into the room, they couldn't put that into the suggestion they gave you after "flashing" you.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on January 02, 2016, 04:47:33 PM
Actually (This is a serious response, not a joke) when you enter a room and forget why it's called "The Door Effect" Seems that many times.. memory, or thoughts,, Stop at the door.

They actually did a study on this and that was their conclusion..  Please do not ask me to link to it or study it.. And they may have called it differently than I do, but that's what they found.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 02, 2016, 04:57:00 PM
Actually (This is a serious response, not a joke) when you enter a room and forget why it's called "The Door Effect" Seems that many times.. memory, or thoughts,, Stop at the door.

They actually did a study on this and that was their conclusion..  Please do not ask me to link to it or study it.. And they may have called it differently than I do, but that's what they found.
I know!  I know!  You forgot what it's called.  Right? :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on January 02, 2016, 06:19:47 PM
On Gilligan's Island they went on a three hour tour so why did they bring so much luggage?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Rene T on January 02, 2016, 08:50:32 PM
On Gilligan's Island they went on a three hour tour so why did they bring so much luggage?

They were all boy scouts and girl scouts in their younger days. "Be prepared"   ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tin man on January 07, 2016, 02:16:32 PM
They took the tour on the way to the airport.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 14, 2016, 07:49:22 PM

A drunk was pestering the bar's customers for drinks.  The bartender ordered him out if he couldn't buy his own drinks.  So, the drunk says to the bartender, "If you'll buy me a drink, I'll drink that whole spittoon.  If I don't finish it, I'll leave and not bother anyone again."

The bartender, thinking this might be a good way to get rid of the pest says, "Okay, start drinking.  If you drink it all, I'll buy you a drink."

The drunk grabs up the spittoon full of the nights evil juices and start chugging it down.  The bartender immediately gets sick and screams, "All right!  All right!  Enough!  I'll buy you a drink, just stop drinking that and put it down!"

The drunk keeps gulping away.  He finally finishes off the huge spittoon and with a slurp wipes his arm across his mouth and burps real big.

The green-faced bartender moans, "Why didn't you stop when I told you?  Why did you keep drinking that foul stuff after I told you to stop?"

The drunk, reaching for his well deserved drink says, "I couldn't stop.  It was all in one string."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on January 14, 2016, 08:09:27 PM
There auto be a law! That was too gross :P
Title: Good One....
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 17, 2016, 09:08:30 AM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing!!!
Title: How to Give a cat a pill...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 19, 2016, 06:05:10 PM


How To Give a Cat a Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.

Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.

Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on January 19, 2016, 08:12:42 PM
How to Give a Dog a Pill

Put pill in chunk of weiner, give chunk of weiner to dog.   ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on January 20, 2016, 12:55:27 PM
Our dog will spit the pill and eat the weiner.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Lou Schneider on January 20, 2016, 03:31:11 PM
Grind up the pill and mix it into some canned dog food he likes.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 21, 2016, 09:52:22 AM
I should have known better than to post something about the sacred pets. ;D ;D

Dogs and cats ARE DIFFERENT.  I challenge you to try your darndest to try your vaunted theories on a cat and see how it goes.  I have the scars to prove the truth to the tale.

Vets use a pill forceps to get past the teeth and welding gloves. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on January 22, 2016, 02:05:37 PM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.  When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.  Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on January 22, 2016, 03:28:22 PM
How about a 5th grade joke------------
What is bad for your teeth and orange?


A brick.


sorry
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on January 24, 2016, 07:03:38 PM
TO ALL THE KIDS
WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
 
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
 
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
 
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
 
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
 
NO ONE actually died from this.
 
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .
 
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
 
No one was able to reach us all day.
 
And we were O.K.
 
 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no sur round-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
 
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
 
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever
 
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
 
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
 
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
 
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
 
They actually sided with the law!
 
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
 
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
 
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
 
HOW TO
 
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
 
If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!
 
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
 
for our own good
 
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
 
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
 
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
 
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
 
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.....pass this on.
______________________________
This was not really a joke at all was it? 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on February 05, 2016, 08:25:02 AM
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile. ‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the fu*‪#‎ing‬ putt, didn’t you?’
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on February 23, 2016, 06:56:45 AM
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: greensleep on February 23, 2016, 08:30:10 AM
to continue with Steven Wright:
 36.   I came home one night to find that I'd been robbed and everything I owned had been replaced with an exact replica.

37.  Returning home drunk one night, I accidentally used my car keys to open my house; it started right up so I took it for a drive, parking in the middle of a highway so that I could sit on my porch, yelling at people to get off my driveway.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on March 01, 2016, 10:22:27 AM
Andrew the cattle drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing, the drover offered.
Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, Now back off!!! Or Ill kick the **** out of the lot of ya!
St. Peter was impressed,
When did this happen?

A couple of minutes ago.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on March 07, 2016, 07:15:27 PM
May be politically incorrect but I couldn't resist.

 
 
 
                        What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?
 
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days . . . . .
 
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
 
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
 
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
 
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
 
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
 
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
 
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
 
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
 
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
 
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
 
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
 
Title: Poor supervision by the boss.....
Post by: Tom Hoffman on April 06, 2016, 03:37:43 PM
Presence-of-mind.

During my summer after high school graduation I got a job as a construction helper. About half way through the summer I had a serious on the job accident. As I was laying in the hospital bed recovering from the accident, the company insurance agent charged into the room and in a loud voice asked,

"What is all this trash you put on this accident report. You put down as the cause of the accident, 'Trying to do the job by myself and losing my presence of mind. Now just what is that supposed to mean?'"

Well, as you know, I'm just a construction helper, I stated.

"On the day of the accident I was working with my boss doing final clean up on this 6 story building that the bricklayers had finally completed. We got all the way to the roof and found a pile of bricks had been left up there. My boss told me he had to go back to the office and for me to get the bricks off the roof and finish the cleanup.

He left and I was alone on the roof of this new 6 story building. When I completed all the rest of the cleanup on the roof, I figured I had about 500 pounds of bricks left to move.

Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them down in a barrel, using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the building at the 6th floor. I tied some rope, I got from my truck, to the barrel, threaded it through the pulley and dropped it to the ground.

Securing the rope to the bumper of my old work truck, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went to the ground floor, untied the rope from the bumper, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of bricks. Now you will note in block number 3 of the Accident Reporting Form, that I weigh 195 pounds.

Imagine my surprise at being jerked off the ground suddenly, that's when I first lost my presence-of-mind. I forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a high rate of speed up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming down--this explains the fractured skull, broken collar bone and abrasions down my side...

Slowed, only so slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were 2 knuckles deep into the pulley. Which explains my broken fingers and skinned knuckles. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence-of-mind, and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my increasing pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 3, and as you might imagine--I began a rapid decent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, yes, I met the barrel coming up, this accounts for the 2 fractured ankles, and the lacerations on my legs and lower body...

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked...

I am sorry to say, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel swing 6 stories above me, I again lost my presence-of-mind, and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope--so it came down on me and broke both my legs..."

Once the agent finished laughing and wiping the tears from his eyes, he signed off on the paperwork and the company paid in full.

Hope some folks get a smile.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on April 06, 2016, 04:19:01 PM
There are many variations on that story,, One was set to music (Why Patty isn't coming to work today,,, or close to that) and all are good... Ah the ups and down of bricklaying.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: dave54 on April 06, 2016, 11:07:01 PM
There are many variations on that story,, One was set to music (Why Patty isn't coming to work today,,, or close to that) and all are good... Ah the ups and down of bricklaying.

And Mythbusters recreated it on their show.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on April 07, 2016, 10:32:48 PM
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I like these, 16 is my favorite. ;D
Title: Re:Jackass
Post by: llib enad on April 11, 2016, 01:51:42 PM
     Couple cruising down the highway in their MH get in a heated discussion and afterwards go for miles in silence.  The husband sees a group of donkeys in the distance and as they get near , he points them out to his wife and ask " some of your relatives?".  She turns to him, smiles, touches is arm gently and replies " yes dear.................................... by marriage."

Bill Dane
99 Country Coach Allure

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on April 15, 2016, 09:10:05 AM

Speaking of donkeys...


Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.


So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".


The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."


So he continued on his way.


However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."


So the king hired the donkey.


And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.


And the practice continues to this day...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on April 15, 2016, 05:11:03 PM
Thank you Tom.. Laugh wise today has been a good day,,,, Up to the point where I read this.. it is now a FANTASTIC day.... That is the best laugh I've had in a long, long time.

In fact: I'm going to swipe it.. Thanks.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on April 18, 2016, 04:56:45 PM

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live years longer than men who mention it.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Fitz on April 18, 2016, 09:10:27 PM
Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Newfoundland, and
Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
 
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
 
"THE END IS NEAR.
    TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
            BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
 
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
 
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
 
From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
 
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
 
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say
 
“BRIDGE CLOSED"?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on April 19, 2016, 06:50:07 AM
Always a good joke.. And I'd not change one word of that sign.

Always wanted a Hi-Lo in my trailer days.

True story: My mother was going to work one day, Dense fog,, Suddenly the tail lights of the car in front of her did somethign odd. just as they approached a small bridge.

No signs
No barricades
No flashing lights
NO BRIDGE
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Fitz on April 19, 2016, 11:42:09 AM
SCARY!
Title: Six Wisdoms...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on April 19, 2016, 07:13:55 PM
Six Little Wisdoms

Once all villagers during a drought decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH

When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST

Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up.

That's HOPE

We plan big things for the New Year in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE

On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not really 80 years old ... I am sweet 16 with 64 years' experience.

That's ATTITUDE

Have a Happy Day. Live your life like the Six Wisdoms!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Happy Prospector on May 06, 2016, 12:11:37 AM
Are you old geezers getting a little forgetful?


My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

for when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on May 06, 2016, 06:49:01 AM
THis is not the best rendition of this song I've ever heard
]But then Folks LIke Us used to play the author's performing it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AADfFV_7ldc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AADfFV_7ldc)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Happy Prospector on May 13, 2016, 02:50:46 PM
                                                                  The 60th High School Reunion
                                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.... yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say ˛Yesˇ or did she say˛ No?ˇ He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say .˘Yes˙ or did you say ˘No?

"Why you silly man,ˇ she replied, I said ˘Yes. Yes I will! And I meant it with all my heart!" The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me!ˇ
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Fitz on May 13, 2016, 03:59:14 PM
To keep this string on the "Old Folks" theme (and I are one.)

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami ,
are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a drugstore..
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Happy Prospector on May 15, 2016, 06:07:36 AM
 Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased
to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to
unwrap their 'dogs.'The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment,
leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on May 18, 2016, 09:35:45 AM

So this is a conversation between a man and a woman. Please note that she asks 6 questions which he answered quite simply while she is speechless after being asked only 2 questions

Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on May 20, 2016, 09:42:31 AM
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator" she cried out.
However before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same
voice came over the line. "Never mind I got in the back seat by mistake!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 20, 2016, 01:13:07 PM
Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch ... Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Frankedj on May 24, 2016, 02:19:47 PM
What do you call an RV sitting in the hot summer sun without air conditioning?


Easy Bake Oven.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Alfa38User on May 25, 2016, 10:00:38 AM
I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on
newspapers! ...Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SMR on May 25, 2016, 12:45:28 PM
A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 27, 2016, 04:17:35 PM
After 38 years of marriage I have finally realized that marriage is two people alternately pushing down the garbage in the kitchen pail so they don’t have to be the one to take it out.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Fitz on May 27, 2016, 06:22:57 PM
Did you ever wonder what they put on an Athiest's Headstone???

"All dressed up and no place to go."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 30, 2016, 08:02:56 PM
Senility strikes again.... 8)

23 ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

(Ladies ... Quit Laughing! )

It just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my gas to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) - and how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Happy Prospector on May 30, 2016, 08:20:36 PM
Map Quest or Google Maps don't start with #5 because they have to deal with Women drivers. Ask them about it.





The information is out there, all you have to do is let it in.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jsetti on May 31, 2016, 08:33:46 AM

The information is out there, all you have to do is let it in.

Thank you "Suitcase"!

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Happy Prospector on May 31, 2016, 03:03:04 PM
Thank you "Suitcase"!
I do like that series, it's one of the better ones to watch.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 31, 2016, 05:13:44 PM
Let Us Pray

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 31, 2016, 05:15:59 PM
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor, and lo behold ... and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the

Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Fr.

Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the

Priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle ... but wait ... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop, and, he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the

Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out."

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared

'No Miracle', because they think...

Murphy must have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on May 31, 2016, 06:48:36 PM
Now I seriously like that last one.. I'm a dedicated follower of Murphy.. Found him hanging around just this morning in fact and had to kick him out again (minor.. all it took was some careful moving of stuff and a bit of kitty litter)

But then what most folks do not know is this: Murphy was a WOMAN.. yes a WOMAN.... How do I know this.

Well you see when the Law was first discovered..... They wrote a song about it.

Seems that large cookpots/caldrons are kind of EXPENSIVE, always have been.. So a family might well have just one... IT's the Baby's bathtub on bath day.. it is the laundry tub on laundry day.. And today The Murphy's are hasving half the town over for chowder.  Don't know if it's the orange half or the green half but that's why it's only half.

Well imagine Mrs. Murphy's chagrin when they dip the ladle into the chowder pot and out comes.... A pair of her husband's concrete bespeckled work trousers..  I mean she fainted dead away at the sight..  Which of course is why nobody answered.


The crowd begain to chant/Sing:

Who threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder (Nobody answered so they shouted all the louder)
It's an Irish trick it's true, I can lick the Mick who threw.. The overhalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 03, 2016, 10:28:46 PM
“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. “

SENIOR DRIVER

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through

his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.

“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore, ‘ so I thanked him and left!”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on June 04, 2016, 10:29:21 AM
They used to make cars in Flint and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico.
Now they make cars in Mexico and you can't drink the water in Flint.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 04, 2016, 04:07:45 PM
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Julie, who was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked what she’d like to have for her birthday since it wasn’t far off.

“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day!

I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

We staggered out of the theme park five hours later. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald’s and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

She finally wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

“I meant my dress size, you @#! idiot!!!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!!! 8) 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Foxysdad on June 04, 2016, 06:05:52 PM
A man stands by his grandpa who is dying at 130 years old.
His grandpa tells him, “The secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder in your cereal every morning.”
 Then he dies.
The boy listens to him and does it every morning.
 At the age of 143 he leaves behind 3 wives, 14 children, 40 grandchildren, 78 great grandchildren, 167 great great grandchildren, and a mile wide hole where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on June 04, 2016, 09:38:07 PM
Now I seriously like that last one.. I'm a dedicated follower of Murphy.. Found him hanging around just this morning in fact and had to kick him out again (minor.. all it took was some careful moving of stuff and a bit of kitty litter)

But then what most folks do not know is this: Murphy was a WOMAN.. yes a WOMAN.... How do I know this.

Well you see when the Law was first discovered..... They wrote a song about it.

Seems that large cookpots/caldrons are kind of EXPENSIVE, always have been.. So a family might well have just one... IT's the Baby's bathtub on bath day.. it is the laundry tub on laundry day.. And today The Murphy's are hasving half the town over for chowder.  Don't know if it's the orange half or the green half but that's why it's only half.

Well imagine Mrs. Murphy's chagrin when they dip the ladle into the chowder pot and out comes.... A pair of her husband's concrete bespeckled work trousers..  I mean she fainted dead away at the sight..  Which of course is why nobody answered.


The crowd begain to chant/Sing:

Who threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder (Nobody answered so they shouted all the louder)
It's an Irish trick it's true, I can lick the Mick who threw.. The overhalls in Mrs. Murphy's Chowder.

 Comment deleted.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 05, 2016, 11:08:42 AM
Bill.... Sorry about your monitor and keyboard.. you really should not read my posts with food/drink in your mouth :)

I like it when a post like that one gets quoted. Thanks.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 05, 2016, 12:10:17 PM
ACTS 2:38

You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’ (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!

Remember. Knowing scripture can save your life ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on June 06, 2016, 07:31:53 PM
A twofer:

 I was working hard to get into shape but suddenly realized that ROUND is a shape.

 A man is incomplete until he gets married......then he is finished.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 08, 2016, 03:33:30 PM
Ddduuuhhhh....

There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. (Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher).

Several of the Mensa members went for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. “Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper. But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: “Oh sorry about that.”

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kind of reminds you of the folks in Ottawa, Canada and Washington D.C., doesn’t it?

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 08, 2016, 05:26:15 PM
Not being a MENSA member I too would have swapped the caps.   But as it happens I do chat with a few of those from time to time... And ... Well... Joke is believable.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on June 08, 2016, 08:45:14 PM
Not being a MENSA member I too would have swapped the caps.   But as it happens I do chat with a few of those from time to time... And ... Well... Joke is believable.
John, I'm surprised to learn that you are NOT a member of Mensa International. :o

I hope my post is perceived to be  'On Topic'. ;) :D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 10, 2016, 01:45:55 PM
I dialed a number and got the following recording:

“I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 10, 2016, 06:40:10 PM
John, I'm surprised to learn that you are NOT a member of Mensa International. :o

I hope my post is perceived to be  'On Topic'. ;) :D

I have considered it,,, But it is borderline if I'd qualify.. and there are both advantages and disadvantages.

Alot of what I do is ruled by "Cost/Benefit" and at this point in my life the benefit is low.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RLSharp on June 10, 2016, 09:03:54 PM
I have considered it,,, But it is borderline if I'd qualify.. and there are both advantages and disadvantages.

Alot of what I do is ruled by "Cost/Benefit" and at this point in my life the benefit is low.

That's the best joke I have heard here. ;) :D

R
Title: You know you live in a small mountain town when...
Post by: dave54 on June 15, 2016, 12:00:08 AM
Deer and elk are considered a normal road hazard on the highway.

Your daily commute takes you over three different trout streams, so you always have your rod in the car. Rifle also during hunting season.

Your driveway is used as a game trail.

High School home ec includes how to clean fish and butcher game.

You have 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, winter ain't quite over, and highway construction.

Yardwork includes splitting firewood.

You always carry butcher paper and several sharp knives with you for any fresh roadkill you encounter.

Four inches of snow on the street is not enough for the road department to justify firing up the plows.

It snows on the fourth of July parade.

Your kid's halloween costume is designed to fit over a parka.

The local high school has a shooting team, and has a bigger booster club and more business sponsors than the football team.

High School driver ed starts with how to install tire chains, but every student already knows how, including the girls.

You know what a K tag is and how to read one.

The number one skill a dad teaches his son (or daughter) is not how to ride a bike or throw a ball, it is felling a tree with a chainsaw.

The largest department in the local Walmart is hunting/fishing supplies. The second largest Walmart department is ranch supply and livestock feed.

In mid-July you think about taking your snowshoes out of the back of the truck. But then you remember that September is just around the corner.

You have to pack your sunscreen, shorts, snowshoes, sunglasses, and snow gear for a weekend camping trip.

No one says it is cold until the temperature is below zero.

You know you live in the mountains when you have a small window air conditioner for use two weeks out of the year.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 15, 2016, 09:32:45 AM
You know.. Some of those sound real familiar.   Though in Michigan, Large town or small. we have but two seasons.

Skiing and Road Construction.. and with some modern improvements in road construction,,,,they are overlapping.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 27, 2016, 06:57:48 PM
Should I Really Join Facebook?

Read it all the way through! It’s a good laugh! AND really quite true!!

A good laugh for people in the over 70 group!!!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship ... When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.”

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are ... Not me; I figured your sense of humor could handle it...

We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 28, 2016, 07:31:56 AM
I like that bi-saxual... I forget which is the better option (paper or plastic) but from what I read long ago it's not the one you think it is... Page 2.

As for joining facebook...  Well.  It can be very ammusing... Some of the posts there are from folks who .. Well. let's just say they have no clue as to what the truth is and never will and won't believe it if you tell it to them... Can be fun playing wack-a-mole with their insane theories.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Just Lou on June 28, 2016, 09:01:38 AM
Quote
As for joining facebook...  Well.  It can be very ammusing... Some of the posts there are from folks who .. Well. let's just say they have no clue as to what the truth is and never will and won't believe it if you tell it to them... Can be fun playing wack-a-mole with their insane theories.

Are we to just accept that your views and theories are the "Truth"?  And that those who don't see the world/country situation through the same "rose colored glasses" as you, are uninformed, uneducated unbelievers?  :D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on June 29, 2016, 08:20:07 AM
Lou, I believe he did say "some of the posts".  I thought the post was funny and, for the most part, accurate.  I don't belong to any of the social media sites and everyday see reasons why I have refrained from them.  Now, back to the jokes please.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 29, 2016, 05:41:24 PM
I will say this.. I have seen some very opinionated people both telling each other that "you have no clue" eventually someone says prove it..

And one of them usually does

I had someone tell me "prove it" turns out the meme I'd shared was wrong.... But in a way that made it even worse for the person who ask me to prove it.. No, I won't say which one it was.

But well... I used to work with her.
Title: Dog...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 01, 2016, 07:54:23 PM
Dog...

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep, ‘ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’

‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars, ‘ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a Bullshipper. He’s never been out of the yard’
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BoomerD on July 03, 2016, 06:43:21 AM
Heh-heh...I hate it when my dog tells me the voices in my head are lying to me... 8)
Title: Mercedes...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 03, 2016, 08:46:35 PM
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa.”

Never mess with the elderly!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Stephen S. on July 04, 2016, 05:17:14 PM
Heh-heh...I hate it when my dog tells me the voices in my head are lying to me... 8)


 ;D I know the voices in my head are not real.

But they have some really great ideas!  :o :D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: whiteva on July 04, 2016, 09:08:12 PM
The doctor asked if I had always suffered with insanity? He seemed puzzled with my answer "Goodness no... most of the time I thoroughly enjoyed it"

Sign on my door:  WARNING, the little voices in my head telling me to hurt someone are especially loud today.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Stephen S. on July 05, 2016, 06:58:17 PM
The doctor asked if I had always suffered with insanity? He seemed puzzled with my answer "Goodness no... most of the time I thoroughly enjoyed it"

Sign on my door:  WARNING, the little voices in my head telling me to hurt someone are especially loud today.

"Dr asked if insanity ran in my family... I said 'no, it walks and takes its time with us.'"
Title: Mayberrt...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 06, 2016, 05:04:30 PM
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. 8)
Title: Iowa Jet Propulsion Labratory
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 06, 2016, 05:51:08 PM
Recently announced in Ames:

The first test firing at the Iowa Jet Propulsion Laboratory was a complete success.  See the attached Photo.  Courtesy of the IJPL..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: winona on July 08, 2016, 02:46:27 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards.  At first you get a heart and a diamond, then by the end, you're looking for a club and a spade.

I don't write 'em folks.  I just pass them on. ;D
Title: How Old is Grandma????
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 08, 2016, 03:54:28 PM

How Old is grandma?

(Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.)

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end ... It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother About current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and Just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, “Well, let me think a minute,

I was born before:

• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:

• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:

• pantyhose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers
• clothes dryers
• and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
• man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir.”

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man With a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was A bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with Your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the Evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the Evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD’s, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk.

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & dime stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

• “grass” was mowed,
• “coke” was a cold drink,
• “pot” was something your mother cooked in and
• “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.
• “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office,
• “chip” meant a piece of wood,
• “hardware” was found in a hardware store and.
• “software” wasn’t even a word.

We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

We volunteered to protect our precious country.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap.

How old do you think I am?

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????

This woman would be only 61 years old. She would have been born in late 1952.

GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER “OLD ONES.”

<BECAUSE THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT.>
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on July 08, 2016, 04:57:24 PM
Gee.. I am older than that... (no more need be said)

And to Winona... I do not have a joke.. But I do have a song.. You Tube link follows
Apologies for the damage to your keyboard and monitor... but it's not my fault. It is theirs.

The Balad of the Shape of things, Kingston Trio (https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A0LEVjDwIIBXaqQANnNjmolQ;_ylu=X3oDMTBsa3ZzMnBvBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkAw--?p=kingston+trio+the+balad+of+the+shape+of+things&tnr=21&vid=ED1C2CB4F3D9334F579FED1C2CB4F3D9334F579F&l=307&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOVP.V50ae9207ba4826bd4af3f551571b28da%26pid%3D15.1&sigi=12b44gkre&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DyE-r49vzOVY&sigr=11b9p9rl9&tt=b&tit=Kingston+Trio-Ballad+of+the+Shape+of+Things&sigt=11b11sd61&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dkingston%2Btrio%2Bthe%2Bbalad%2Bof%2Bthe%2Bshape%2Bof%2Bthings%26vm%3Dp%26type%3Dsearch_1%26hspart%3Dprodege%26hsimp%3Dyhs-prodege_001%26param1%3D12340412%26param2%3D4395114%26param3%3D51%26param4%3D1115057933%26fr%3Dyhs-prodege-prodege_001%26ei%3DUTF-8&sigb=17bi93llc&hspart=prodege&hsimp=yhs-prodege_001&vm=p)

Oh, and thank you for reminding me I have that on my hard drives :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Lou Schneider on July 08, 2016, 08:21:27 PM
Quote
This woman would be only 61 years old. She would have been born in late 1952.

Either someone is very bad at math, or it shows how long this story has been cut-and-paste floating around the Internet.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on July 08, 2016, 08:58:20 PM
Either someone is very bad at math, or it shows how long this story has been cut-and-paste floating around the Internet.
yep, penicillin has been around much longer than that!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 09, 2016, 02:59:30 PM
TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher:

‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ he cried ... The dispatcher said,

‘Stay calm ... An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says.

‘He got in the back-seat by mistake.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 09, 2016, 09:05:36 PM


Subject: The Joy of Old Age*

 * This is what all of us 70+ years old, and our kids have to look forward to!!*
 
 * This is something that happened in an assisted living
center where my wife used to work.*

 * The people who lived there have small apartments but
they all eat at a central cafeteria.*

 *One morning one of the residents didn't show up for
breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if**
everything was OK.*

*She could hear him through the door and he said that he*
was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.*

 *He was coming down the stairs but was having an awful time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.*

*She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.*

 *So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.*

*A couple hours** later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.*

*The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.*
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 12, 2016, 01:11:19 PM
LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he canstop any time

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jackiemac on July 13, 2016, 11:27:43 AM
I have just found a really useful weather device which I think all of us would be able to benefit from...

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 20, 2016, 10:47:17 AM
Are you smarter than a 60 yr old? THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK. THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER. DON’T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE IT OUT. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for you ‘older kids’ The answers are printed below (after the questions) but don’t cheat! Try to answer them first...

After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don’t know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

‘Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.’

‘The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ ____ _____.’

‘In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.’

After the Twist, the Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we ‘danced’ under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ‘_____.’

Nestle’s makes the very best... _________.’

Satchmo was America’s ‘Ambassador of Goodwill.’ Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______ ___________.

What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

Red Skeleton’s hobo character was named ______ ___ ______ and Red always ended his television show by saying, ‘Good Night, and ‘_ _____ ‘

Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______ _______.

The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.

In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about ‘the day the music died’. This was a tribute to _______ _______.

We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.

One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____.

Remember LS/MFT _____ ____/____ _____ _____?

Hey Kids! What time is it? It’s _____ ______ _____!

Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!

There was a song that came out in the 60’s that was “a grave yard smash”. It’s name was the ______ ______!

Alka Seltzer used “a boy with a tablet on his head” as its Logo/Representative. What was the boy’s name? ________
















ANSWERS:

The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

The Ed Sullivan Show

On Route 66

To protect the innocent.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

The limbo

Chocolate

Louis Armstrong

The Timex watch

Freddy, The Freeloader and ‘Good Night and God Bless’.

Draft cards and bras were also burned, but not flags, as some may have guessed).

Beetle or Bug

Buddy Holly

Sputnik

Hoola Hoop

Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

Howdy Doody Time

Shadow

Monster Mash

Speedy

Send this to your ‘older’ friends, (better known as Seniors). It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 20, 2016, 11:02:40 AM
Sayings to help keep your sanity

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free ... Taxed to death.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck...

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

I brake for no apparent reason.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

Wink, I’ll do the rest.

No radio - Already stolen.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there’s a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it...

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to ‘stuff it’ - I’m a taxidermist.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Which came first? The woman or the department store?

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Sex on TV can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on July 20, 2016, 01:17:07 PM
Are you smarter than a 60 yr old? THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK. THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER. DON’T LOOK

Missed two  both were proper names, I'm no good with proper naes (Speedy and Louis Armstrong)

Got the rest  Even LSMFT.

But then I'm 65
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: therealsimpsons on July 22, 2016, 09:49:33 AM
Are you smarter than a 60 yr old? THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK. THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER. DON’T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE IT OUT. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for you ‘older kids’ The answers are printed below (after the questions) but don’t cheat! Try to answer them first...

Aced it..easy cheezy.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 23, 2016, 01:20:02 PM
Red-Handed...

George, an elderly man from Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Title: Why Nuns turn grey
Post by: flexitdriver on July 27, 2016, 10:43:53 AM
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.

IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.


KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.

THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.






2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.






3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.






4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.





5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.





6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.





7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.






8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.





9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.





10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.





11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.






12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.


13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.


14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.


18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.






19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED

A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.


20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.






22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.


23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.


25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Title: Re: Why Nuns turn grey
Post by: Molaker on July 27, 2016, 12:33:36 PM
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Lou Schneider on July 27, 2016, 03:17:14 PM
I'll bet the students were using iPads with auto correct spelling.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 27, 2016, 04:37:03 PM
Never Fly...

There was a little fly that lived in a butcher shop but he was so skinny because the butcher was extremely fastidious about keeping the shop clean.

Then one night when the shop was closed there on the butcher block was a chunk of bologna.

The little fly was so excited he flew down to the bologna and ate and ate.

He started to fly back to the ceiling where he lived.

He had eaten so much he could only make it halfway and had to land on a broom handle leaning against the wall, He sat there resting and looked back at the chunk of bologna. He decided that it was closer to the bologna than the ceiling and he seldom had chance like this.

He took off but he had over estimated his strength and fell to the floor breaking his neck.

It just proves the old saying.

Never fly off the handle when you are full of bologna.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on July 27, 2016, 05:05:11 PM
Test answers are always good for a laugh.. I've seen that 7th Commandment before, but do not recall the 1st.

And there are a lot of politicians out there who are not admitting adultery.   but I won't bother speculating who here.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 02, 2016, 01:06:52 PM
The Black Telephone...

For those who remember... :)

Those of us old enough to remember when the phone was wired to the wall, usually in the kitchen, can relate to this story.  I loved this read.
 
The Black Telephone
 
When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.
 
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
 
"Information, please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.
 
A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
 
"Information."
 
"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience..
 
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
 
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
 
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
 
"No, "I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
 
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
 
I said I could.
 
"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice..
 
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
 
She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
 
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
 
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
 
Somehow I felt better.
 
Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."
 
"Information," said in the now familiar voice.
 
"How do I spell fix?" I asked.
 
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.
 
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.
 
Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
 
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
 
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
 
"Information."
 
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying,
 
"Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
 
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
 
I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
 
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
 
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
 
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
 
Three months later I was back in Seattle.
 
A different voice answered, "Information."
 
I asked for Sally.
 
"Are you a friend?" she said.
 
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
 
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," She said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."
 
Before I could hang up, she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?" "
 
"Yes." I answered.
 
"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you."
 
The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
 
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
 
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?
 
Why not pass this on? I just did....
 
Lifting you on eagle's wings.
 
May you find the joy and peace you long for.
 
Life is a journey... NOT a guided tour.
 
I loved this story and just had to pass it on.. I hope you find it lovable too. Life is short; drink the good wine first.  :) :)

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on August 02, 2016, 01:30:46 PM
Man, that needs to be in it's own thread. :'( Thank you for the story.
Title: Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol
Post by: Dan de La Mesa on August 02, 2016, 02:53:27 PM
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. 
 
Here is her story in her own words:
 
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its huge jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest, because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
 
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 08, 2016, 02:04:34 PM
Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said’ Leo, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s softball there.’

Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, ‘Frank you’ve been my best friend for many years.

If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Leo passed.

A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ‘Frank ... Frank’.

‘Who is it?’ asked Frank sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Leo-- it’s me, Leo’

‘You’re not Leo, Leo just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Leo’ insisted the voice.

‘Leo! Where are you?’

‘In Heaven, ‘ replied Leo. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first, ‘ said Frank.

‘The good news, ‘ Leo said, ‘is that there’s softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.

Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic, ‘ said Frank ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’

‘You’re pitching Tuesday!’

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 12, 2016, 01:55:55 PM
Air Conditioned History Lesson...

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here’s a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, ‘ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Control yourself!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 15, 2016, 05:54:40 PM
$86,400....

Posted: August 15, 2016 - 11:06:11 am
This a thought piece

THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT

THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982

The Magic Bank Account

Imagine that you had won the Following PRIZE in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400

In your private account for your use.

However, this prize has Rules:

The set of Rules:

1. Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.

2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

3. You may only spend It.

4. Each morning upon awakening, The bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that Day.

5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time, it can say, Game Over!” It can close the account, and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally Do?

You would buy anything and Everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL

...

Shocked???

YES!

Each of us is already a winner Of this PRIZE.

We just can’t seem to see it.

The PRIZE is TIME

1. Each morning we awaken to Receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of Life.

2. And when we go to sleep at Night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.

3. What we haven’t used up that Day is forever lost.

4. Yesterday is forever Gone.

5. Each morning the account is Refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much More than the same amount in dollars.

Think about it and remember to Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than You think.

So take care of yourself, be Happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

Here’s wishing you a wonderful And beautiful day.

Start spending...

“DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD... !”

SOME PEOPLE DON’T GET THE PRIVILEGE!

Forward this to everyone you care about!


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 16, 2016, 12:47:38 PM
The Middle Wife...

The ‘middle wife’ by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher:     ;D

 I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I love show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘this is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’ first, mum and dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then dad put a seed in my mum’s stomach, and luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

Then, about two saturdays ago, my mum starts going, ‘oh, oh, oh, oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘she walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘oh, oh, oh!’ (now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the domino’s man. They got my mum to lie down in bed like this.’ (then erica lies down with her back against the wall.) ‘and then, pop! My mum had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (this kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.

(it was too much!)

Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push, ‘ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from mum’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘middle wife’ comes along.

Now you have two choices ... Laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your last chance to make someone happy!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: jackiemac on August 16, 2016, 11:28:15 PM
That was a good  one Tom   ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 18, 2016, 03:55:23 PM
Best use of Technology Award...

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here ... use my iPad.”

I can tell you this ... that fly never knew what hit him...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 19, 2016, 11:39:22 AM
FYI... My wife is a 6' Tall Blonde and my name as you know is "Tom".  This my real life adventure story....

My wife's Cookbook

Monday

It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls...

Tuesday

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden...

Friday

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday

Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius ... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

My wide goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a ‘peel and win’ sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

‘I’ve won a motor home!

I’ve won a motor home!’

The waitress says, ‘That’s impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?’

But my wife  keeps on screaming,

‘I’ve won a motorhome!

I’ve won a motorhome!’

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

‘Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.

You couldn’t have possibly won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize.

My wife says, ‘No, it’s not a mistake.

I’ve won a motor home!’

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... (YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!. I PROMISE!)
>
>
>
>
>
>
‘W I N A B A G E L’



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 23, 2016, 08:35:20 PM
Thought piece...

Written by a 90 year old This is something we should all read at least once a week! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
11. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
14. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
16. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive everyone everything.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
39. The best is yet to come...
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
43. Friends are the family that we choose.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: yolo on August 26, 2016, 12:09:57 PM
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s on your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Ellie, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on August 26, 2016, 12:15:38 PM
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

That's funny stuff right there. True, but funny ;D

Just remember you can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friends nose.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on August 27, 2016, 11:33:21 AM
Quote
Just remember you can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friends nose.

We can't? Oh.... oops!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 28, 2016, 05:12:15 PM
This Scary but How True It Is!

If my body were a car...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my point job is getting a little dull... “But” that’s not the worst of it!

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best weather.

My whitewall are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But Here’s The Worst Of It...

Almost Every Time I sneeze, Cough Or Sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks Or My Exhaust Backfires!!!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 31, 2016, 12:44:58 PM
No one believes seniors ... everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “Were outta here.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 01, 2016, 04:42:32 PM
A SENIORS PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK.

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, sharing recipes, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist. ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 07, 2016, 12:17:12 PM
SPREAD IT AROUND!!!!

Yes indeed, they walk among us.

DC Airport Ticket Agent

This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication of how much trouble our country is in.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ‘‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts... ‘‘

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ‘‘Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ‘‘his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) �prez candidate--called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, ‘don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!’’ (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ‘‘Is it possible to see England from Canada?’’ I said, ‘‘No.’’

She said, ‘‘But they look so close on the map.’’ (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ‘‘I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.’’ (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ‘‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?’’

I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’

He replied, ‘‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!’’

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ‘‘Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?’’

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ‘‘How do I know which plane to get on?’’

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ‘‘I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.’’

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ‘‘I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’’

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ‘‘Yeah, whatever, smarty!’’

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.’’

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ‘‘Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!’’

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ‘‘I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.’’

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ‘‘Are you sure that’s the name of the town?’’

‘Yes, what flights do you have?’’ replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ‘‘I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”

‘‘The man retorted, ‘‘Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’’

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ‘‘You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?’’

The reply? ‘‘Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’’

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED...

Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Punomatic on September 07, 2016, 01:50:11 PM
Tom Hoffman, your post would be hilarious if it weren't so sad and depressing. I once had a politician for a dental patient. She fussed around and made phone calls during her appointment time. When I told her that she was using up the time I had to help her with her toothache, she said, "Do you know who I am?" "Yes, ma'am, I know, but there are other patients waiting." I finally got her settled in the chair and explained that I was going to anesthetize the area I needed to work on. As I proceeded with the injection she screamed like a banshee, louder than any child I had ever had in my chair. When I finished the injection, she said, "That wasn't bad. Did you give me a shot? I didn't feel a thing."  ::)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BinaryBob on September 07, 2016, 02:23:15 PM
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on September 07, 2016, 06:13:36 PM
YOu know... the problem is... I believe most of that.. I truly believe it.

I have a friend who said: "Dosen't the 2nd amendment have something to do with overthrowing the government?"

Right, She wasw pontificating on the 2nd amendment long and loud, of course she had no clue... (Now this one learned, but took a bunch of us).

And what's wose. she is not even blond.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BruceP on September 08, 2016, 12:28:04 PM

Father O'Malley walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of  the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was... a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local  police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"  "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . ... .............
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
 
Don't be messing with an Irish priest.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 10, 2016, 04:56:55 PM
Speeding up on the downhill...


1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat

4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 13, 2016, 02:00:24 PM
....In Memoriam   

Remembering a great ICON of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and, share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 15, 2016, 02:58:08 PM
Paddy and Mick...

Paddy and Mick were looking for work when they saw a sign saying help wanted. Going in they asked about getting a job.

The boss said I’ll need to ask a couple of questions to see if you’ll fit in.

So he takes Paddy into another room and asks “if I stuck my finger in one of your eyes. What would be?”

“Why! I’d be half blind, sur.”

“O.k. If I took two fingers and stuck them in both your eyes, what would be?”

“I’d be totally blind, sur.”

“Good, good, you’ve got a job. Now send Mick in.”

As Mick entered, Paddy said, “just remember, half blind and totally blind.”

The boss thinks I’ll change the questions just in case there’s any collusion.

“Mick, if I took a knife and cut one of your ears off, what would you be.”

“Oh! I’d be half blind, sur.”

Mmmm! They have colluded he thinks, but I’ll keep it going.

“If I took my knife and cut both your ears off, what would you be?”

“Well sur, I’d be totally blind.” Said Mick.

“How on earth do you work that out?” The boss demanded.

“I’d have nothing to keep me hat up.” Mick replied.

He got a job as well.
Title: Political Humor
Post by: yolo on September 16, 2016, 07:19:42 AM
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one --when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington, get a dog.
Harry Truman
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on September 16, 2016, 07:29:31 AM
That is a great collection and yes. sadly, far too true.. Thanks for the laugh.

And always remember Politicans are liike diapers
Both need frequent changing.... and for the same reason.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 22, 2016, 10:58:24 AM
GOALS....



1. Going to bed early.

2. Staying in the house.

3. Not going to a party.

MY CHILD HOOD PUNISHMENTS ARE NOW MY LIFE GOALS.



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 05, 2016, 01:36:58 PM
SOME OF THESE ARE TRULY HYSTERICAL- ESPECIALLY TOWARDS THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football” - John Heisman

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

“When you win, nothing hurts.” - Joe Namath / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” - Wally Butts / Georgia

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” – Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” - Shug Jordan / Auburn

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me.” He said,”Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.” - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.” - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, “All those who need showers, take them.” - John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” - Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” - John McKay / USC

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State ‘s Urban Meyer on one of his players:”He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said,”Where?”

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.




Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Jim Fitz on October 05, 2016, 01:57:59 PM
Since many of us are over 50........
DRESS CODE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
 
Many people over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how they should present themselves.  They’re unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to conform to current fashions.
 
Despite what one may see on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all costs:
1.             A nose ring and bifocals
2.             Spiked hair and bald spots
3.             A pierced tongue and dentures
4.             Miniskirts and support hose
5.             Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6.             Speedos and cellulite
7.             A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8.             Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9.             Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.         Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11.         Bikinis and liver spots
12.         Short shorts and varicose veins
13.         In-line skates and a walker
14.         And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
15.         A thong and Depends

 
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when clothes and/or accessory shopping in future.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BruceP on October 09, 2016, 02:31:41 PM
Tazer Stupidity



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
My interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
Long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
To retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
Button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
Get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
Prongs.

AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Nancy what that burn spot is
On the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
It couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jewels looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
That I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
Target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Jewels (for a fraction of a
Second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But,
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
Against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
Advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
And tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
Your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
And a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
Purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
Water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
Batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
Long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
Possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Jewels looking on with her head cocked to one
Side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
Burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
Decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
Touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF....
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ....
WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
In the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
Fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
On fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
My body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The dog was making yowling sounds I had never heard before, standing
on the coffee table, obviously in an
Attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
Living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
Note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
Zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
From your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
Second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
Surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
Recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
Originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
Twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 16, 2016, 04:23:39 PM
The Hills...

A Dark and Stormy Night
This will Make Your Day

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist ... However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely ... Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He Bursts in and Shouts to his Master, “Master, Master”

“The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!” I am Soooooo Sorry ... But You Really Should’ve Seen That Coming!!

Happy Halloween 10/31/16

You might even consider changing your E-Mail Address Now!!!

So, what did you Expect From A Demented Old Friend on the Internet.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 19, 2016, 11:28:39 AM
A Modern Parable

I think this is the municipal office and shared services...

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program, ‘ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to ‘equal the competition’ and some of the resultant savings were channeled into moral boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was even unable to finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly,
the End.

Here’s something else to think about: GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter’s results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racks up 9 billion in losses. GM folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN’T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
Title: Never Assume!
Post by: Jim Fitz on October 20, 2016, 08:51:25 AM
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
 




"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 23, 2016, 08:07:00 PM
Redneck woman's letter her to son.

Dearest Son,

I’m writing this slow ‘cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Kramer1113 on October 23, 2016, 10:11:03 PM
Adam & Eve finished having sex on a beautiful beach, they walk into the water to clean themselves. Suddenly God appears & says "What are you doing!?" Adam says we are cleaning ourselves after sex... God then says "I will never get that smell out of the fish"....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 25, 2016, 02:33:31 PM
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon Sir, but I thought you were going to punish him.” God smiled. “Think about it -- who can he tell?”


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on October 25, 2016, 04:45:18 PM
That one... Is a keeper :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on October 25, 2016, 06:12:34 PM
That one... Is a keeper :)
...and is probably as old as we are :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 30, 2016, 07:56:31 PM
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”

When you are dead you don’t know you are dead, it is only difficult for others.
It’s the same for stupid people.

People my age seem much older than me.

Just spent 15 minutes searching my car for my phone using the phones flashlight.

I want to grow my own food, but I cannot find bacon seeds.

What’s the difference between bird flue and swine flue?
One requires tweetment and the other oinkment.

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

I am starting meetings at my house for people with OCD. I don’t have it but I hope that they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

I am a seenager. (a senior teenager)
I have everything I wanted as a teenager only 60 years later.
I don’ have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a drivers license and my own car.
The people I hang around with not scared about getting pregnant and they do not use drugs.
I don’t have acne.
LIFE IS GREAT.

I don’t understand how I can remember every word from a song from 1960 and forget what I came in the other room to do. ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on October 31, 2016, 07:03:26 AM
Good list.. as for the last line.. That's been studied, and studied and they actually have an answer

Blame the door (It is called Door Effect).

Of course one other thing about getting Older.. You can now stay up as long as you want.. Even as late as 8PM.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on October 31, 2016, 06:43:43 PM
The rain was pouring down, and there, standing in front of a big puddle in front of the pub, was an old guy - drenched - holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and said "what are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old guy.

Feeling sorry for him, the gent says "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

As they're sipping their whiskey, the gentleman couldn't resist asking "so how many have you caught so far?"

The old guy said "You're the 8th.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 02, 2016, 04:24:42 PM
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico...

New Mexico Chili Cook-off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I had tears in my eyes by the end.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was from Springfield, Illinois.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off ... The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans ) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. I love Sally! Is this nuclear waste I’m eating!

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ****I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on November 02, 2016, 04:46:02 PM
Ah an oldie but a goodie.. I once entered a chili cookoff.. Won 2nd prize (It was too hot for local tasters) but frankly.. I believe the above story :)

Just posted in Shade Tree how NOT to steal a police car... It's not a joke so I could not post it here but.. Well the linked article is .......... I'm still laughing.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 05, 2016, 04:01:13 PM
Another Oldie   but since it is the season.  It is a good reminder....

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football” - John Heisman “I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” Bear Bryant / Alabama

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne Notre Dame

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

“When you win, nothing hurts.” Joe Namath / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” Wally Butts / Georgia

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” Shug Jordan / Auburn

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me.” He said, “Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.” Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.” Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, “All those who need showers, take them.” John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” John McKay / USC

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State ‘s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool. How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course. Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said,” Where?” What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”

If three OSU football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer. How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Georgia cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves. How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road. Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche. How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 07, 2016, 09:27:09 PM
The Back Nine

I first started reading this email & was reading fast until I reached the third sentence. I stopped and started over reading slower and thinking about every word. This email is very thought provoking. Makes you stop and think. Read slowly! and then it is winter!

You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is ... the back nine of my life and it catches me by surprise ... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that I was only on the first hole and the back nine was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is ... my friends are retired and getting gray ... they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me ... but, I see the great change ... Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant ... but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d become.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore ... it’s mandatory! Cause if I don’t on my own free will ... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so ... now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the back nine, and I’m not sure how long it will last ... this I know, that when it’s over on this earth ... it’s over. A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets.There are things I wish I hadn’t done ... things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I’m happy to have done. It’s all in a lifetime.

So, if you’re not on the back nine yet ... let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don’t put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the back nine or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life ... so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember ... and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

“Life” is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY Remember “It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver. LIVE HAPPY IN 2016!

LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS:

~Your kids are becoming you ... but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good ... Coming home is better!

~You forget names ... But it’s OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The things you used to care to do, you aren’t as interested in anymore, but you really do care that you aren’t as interested.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV ‘ON’ than in bed. It’s called “pre-sleep”.

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch...

~You tend to use more 4 letter words... “what?”...”when?”... ???

~You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

today is the oldest you’ve ever been; yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts all the best in life to you. 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on November 08, 2016, 11:59:38 AM
I have been watching Laverne and Shirley reruns on Hulu lately and yesterday I saw the episode with the funniest line I have ever heard on TV.

Lenny and Squiggy come into Laverne and Shirley's apartment and ask to borrow a set of sheets. They have some ladies coming over to visit them. Shirley has to ask what is wrong with their sheets. "They are hard" says Squiggy.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on November 08, 2016, 12:23:47 PM
Lenny and Squiggy come into Laverne and Shirley's apartment and ask to borrow a set of sheets. They have some ladies coming over to visit them. Shirley has to ask what is wrong with their sheets. "They are hard" says Squiggy.
I really don't want to think about that ::)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on November 08, 2016, 06:12:46 PM
I don't watch that one but it is on one of the Tier 2 Stations I got (Too much joy if I recorded all I'd like to watch I'd run out of hard drive, and that's just OVER THE AIR, I'm having issues keeping up.. So I guess you know I don't need SAT TV.

Between Comet, ME-TV, Antenna TV, Cozi, and a few others.. Way too much good television.

I see a few good lines from time to time.

Was just watching a re-run of Jack Benny (Special Guests The Letterman) They did a college class skit with Dennis as the professor.. he tells the class "Tomorrow we are going to talk about the making of the Atomic Bomb" and he writes some thing on the black board (2hey) and says over here we have the Hydrogen part.. Then he writes somethign on the other side, And over here we have the nuclear part (not sure what he wrote) then he slides the two Black Boards together and.....  BOOM.

I kept thinking "They are goinna need another Timmy" (yes I know, different show) and sure enough. they did.   Just usually it's not the professor who gets blown up on that other show (Dinosaurs in case you don't remember it).
Title: What she could get if she got her wish...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 10, 2016, 10:52:52 AM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.” 8) ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Punomatic on November 14, 2016, 07:22:41 PM
Here's one for us Old Geezers:

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic

This is what happened.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young:  “Aagh! This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Compadre on November 19, 2016, 04:50:07 PM
A shameless steal from todays episode of Cartalk on NPR.

A fellow in his older years decides to stop off at a Bar and have a few.  In walks a rather beautiful woman about his age and sits at the barstool aside his. He wonders a bit about how to open up the conversation and thinks about pickup lines he once used. He finally turns and asks " Excuse me, but do I come here often?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on November 21, 2016, 12:27:50 PM
I was born in Dec 1945,  these good people raised me and my brothers....

It is date related and my not make sense to the younger crowd but seniors can relate! Children of the Greatest Generation” [ an interesting read ] Born in the 1930s and 40s, we exist as a very special age cohort. We are the Silent Generation. We are the smallest number of children born since the early 1900s. We are the “last ones.”

We are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war which rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.

We are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to meat from the butcher. We saved tin foil and poured fat into tin cans to be used to make ammunition. We hand mixed white stuff with yellow stuff to make fake butter. We stood in line at the grocery store when it was learned a tub of real butter had just arrived, and as kids holding a place in line to await a mother in trail, we learned after being pushed aside by an adult stranger who was also in line, to push ourselves back in line. We saw cars up on blocks because tires weren’t available. We can remember milk being delivered to our house early in the morning and placed in the milk box on the porch.

We are the last to hear Roosevelt’s radio assurances and to see gold stars in the front windows of our grieving neighbors. We can also remember the parades on August 15, 1945, VJ Day. We saw the “boys” home from the war build their Cape Cod style houses, pouring the cellar, tar papering it over and living there until they could afford the time and money to build it out.

We are the last generation who spent childhood without television. Instead we imagined what we heard on the radio. As we all like to brag, with no TV, we spent our childhood “playing outside until the street lights came on.”

We did play outside and we did play on our own. There was no Little League. Ball games were “pick-up” and played on vacant lots sharing baseball mitts because only the few had them. No kid had a two-wheeler bike until about 1946 when “Victory Bikes” were sold (no chrome, flimsy frame, very thin wheels). There was no city playground for kids. To play in the water, we turned the fire hydrants on and ran through the spray.

The lack of television in our early years meant, for most of us, that we had little real understanding of what the world was like. Our Saturday afternoons, if at the movies, gave us newsreels of the war and the Holocaust sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.

Telephones were one to a house, often shared and hung on the wall. Computers were called calculators and were hand cranked. Typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon. The Internet and Google were words that didn’t exist. Newspapers and magazines were written for adults. We are the last group who had to find out for ourselves.

As we grew up, the country was exploding with growth. The G.I. Bill gave returning veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow. VA loans fanned a housing boom. Pent-up demand coupled with new installment payment plans put factories to work.

New highways would bring jobs and mobility. The veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics. In the late 40s and early 50s the country seemed to lie in the embrace of brisk but quiet order as it gave birth to its new middle class (which became known as Baby Boomers).

The radio network expanded from 3 stations (NBC, ABC, CBS) to thousands of stations. The telephone started to become a common method of communications and “Faxes” sent hard copy around the world. A neighborhood television set was a rare phenomenon (circular B&W 10” screen). Most families could not afford such a luxury, so as kids, we’d head to the closest TV appliance store, which always had a TV in the sidewalk display window, where we would watch Milton Berle and his Texaco Comedy Hour and, sometimes, even a major league ball game from New York City.

Our parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war and they threw themselves into exploring opportunities they had never imagined.

We weren’t neglected but we weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus. They were glad we played by ourselves “until the street lights came on.’” They were busy discovering the post war world.

Most of us had no life plan, but with the unexpected virtue of ignorance and an economic rising tide we simply stepped into the world and started to find out what the world was about.

We entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity, a world where we were welcomed. Based on our naïve belief that there was more where this came from, we shaped life as we went.

We enjoyed a luxury. We felt secure in our future. Of course, just as today, not all Americans shared in this experience. Depression poverty was deep rooted. Polio was still a crippler. The Korean War was a dark presage in the early 50s, and by mid-decade, school children were ducking under desks. Russia built the Iron Curtain and China became Red China. Eisenhower sent the first “advisors” to Vietnam, and years later, Johnson invented a war there. Castro set up camp in Cuba and Khrushchev came to power.

We are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no existential threats to our homeland. We came of age in the 40s and early 50s. The war was over and the Cold War, terrorism, civil rights, technological upheaval, global warming, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with insistent unease.

Only our generation can remember both a time of apocalyptic war and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty. We have lived through both. We grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better, not worse.

We are the Silent Generation, “the last ones.” The last of us was born in 1945, more than 99.9% of us are either retired or dead, and all of us believe we grew up in the best of times!
Title: Everything...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 08, 2016, 12:52:47 PM
Things you Need to Know!!!

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, Dogs only have about 10.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand;

“lollipop” with your right.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words ‘racecar, ‘ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”

There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Now you know everything
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on December 08, 2016, 03:05:32 PM
Tom, did you check any of this out or did you cut and paste? :) Babies are not born without knee caps, their knee caps are cartilage and will develop over the first two or three years.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 08, 2016, 04:24:10 PM
Pardon me, it was all just suppose to be humorous. ;D ;D 

There is always some one who just has to pick the fly poop out of the pepper...  :-[ :-[
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on December 08, 2016, 05:51:23 PM
There is often humor in wrong statements...plus the thrill of the search...i.e. the Canadian 2 dollar bill...my piece of fly poop picking done :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom and Margi on December 08, 2016, 05:58:49 PM
This was one of my favorite boss's favorite sayings, but he reversed it.  When people were quibbling over something unimportant, he would say "it's like picking pepper out of fly poop".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 08, 2016, 07:29:33 PM
This was one of my favorite boss's favorite sayings, but he reversed it.  When people were quibbling over something unimportant, he would say "it's like picking pepper out of fly poop".

I like your Boss's version better I will use it hence forth. 8) 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on December 08, 2016, 09:06:36 PM
What is a Canadian two dollar bill? ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 08, 2016, 09:20:59 PM
Google it, there really is a Canadian two dollar bill.  1986 was when they printed them or so...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on December 08, 2016, 09:51:23 PM
 ;D I know, it's been a long time since I have seen one though.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: winona on December 08, 2016, 10:14:21 PM
A police officer called the station on his radio.  “I have an interesting case here.  An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“Not yet.  The floor’s still wet."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on December 15, 2016, 05:35:19 AM
Xmas Diet 2016

10. CARROT STICKS
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

9. EGGNOG
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare ... you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

8. GRAVY
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

7. MASHED POTATOES
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

6. PRE-EATING
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

5. EXERCISE
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a ten-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

4. SANTA COOKIES
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

3. PIES
Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

2. FRUITCAKE
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

1. MOTTO
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOOHOO! What a ride!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: gwcowgill on December 16, 2016, 10:03:02 AM
Will you please explain to my Cardiologist why I can't lose weight ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 16, 2016, 08:34:27 PM

A POEM THAT WAS US

A little house with three bedrooms, One bathroom and one car on the street A mower that you had to push To make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall We only had one phone, And no need for recording things, Someone was always home.

We only had a living room Where we would congregate, Unless it was at mealtime In the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms Or extra rooms to dine. When meeting as a family Those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set And channels maybe two, But always there was one of them With something worth the view

For snacks we had potato chips That tasted like a chip. And if you wanted flavor There was Lipton’s onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because My mother liked to cook And nothing can compare to snacks In Betty Crocker’s book

Weekends were for family trips Or staying home to play We all did things together – Even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips Depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because We liked to be together

Sometimes we would separate To do things on our own, But we knew where the others were Without our own cell phone

Then there were the movies With your favorite movie star, And nothing can compare To watching movies in your car

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, Pack a lunch and find some trees And never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together With all the friends you know, Have real action playing ball – And no game video.

Remember when the doctor Used to be the family friend, And didn’t need insurance Or a lawyer to defend

The way that he took care of you Or what he had to do, Because he took an oath and strived To do the best for you

Remember going to the store And shopping casually, And when you went to pay for it You used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe Or punch in some amount, And remember when the cashier person Had to really count?

The milkman used to go From door to door, And it was just a few cents more Than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters Came right to your door, Without a lot of junk mail ads Sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name And knew where it was sent; There were not loads of mail addressed To “present occupant”

There was a time when just one glance Was all that it would take, And you would know the kind of car, The model and the make

They didn’t look like turtles Trying to squeeze out every mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins And really had some style

One time the music that you played Whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record Called a forty-five

The record player had a post To keep them all in line And then the records would drop down And play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, Just like we do today And always we were striving, Trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived Still seems like so much fun, How can you explain a game, Just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards Between bicycle spokes And for a nickel, red machines Had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier Slower in some ways I love the new technology But I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we And nothing stays the same, But I sure love to reminisce And walk down memory lane.

With all today’s technology We grant that it’s a plus! But it’s fun to look way back and say, HEY LOOK, GUYS, THAT WAS US!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on December 16, 2016, 10:25:13 PM
A POEM THAT WAS US
Very nice, I really enjoyed it.
Not a joke.
Bah humbug.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 17, 2016, 03:09:52 PM
T’was the night before Christmas, He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house, Made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney, With presents to give,
And to see just who, in this home did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures, of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, Awards of all kinds,
A sober thought, Came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a Marine, Once I could see clearly.

The Marine lay sleeping, Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor, In this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured, An American Marine.

Was this the hero, Of whom I’d just read?,
Curled up on a poncho, The floor for a bed?

I realized the families, That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these Soldiers and Marines, Who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world, The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate, A bright Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom, Each month of the year,
Because of the Soldiers and Marines, Like the one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder, How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, In a land far from home.

The very thought brought A tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees, And started to cry.

The Marine awakened, And I heard a rough voice,
‘Santa, don’t cry. This life is my choice.

I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my God, My country, my Corps.’

The Marine rolled over, And drifted to sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, So silent and still,
And we both shivered, From the cold night’s chill.

I didn’t want to leave, On that cold, dark night,
This Guardian of Honor, So willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, With a voice, soft and pure,
Whispered, ‘Carry on Santa, It’s Christmas Day, all is secure.’

One look at my watch, And I knew he was right,
‘Merry Christmas my friend, And to all a good night.’

This poem was written by a Peace Keeping Marine stationed overseas.

The following is his request; I think it is reasonable...

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many People as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our American Service men and women for our being able to celebrate these Festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our Heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on December 17, 2016, 03:49:54 PM
T’was the night before Christmas, He lived all alone,

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many People as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our American Service men and women for our being able to celebrate these Festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our Heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us..
I passed it on.
Title: Dog Fight
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 20, 2016, 01:49:36 PM
The President  and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.

They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, The President showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 15 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the President because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama’s dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to the President, shaking his head in disbelief, “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing,”, said the President. “We had Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on December 21, 2016, 11:09:46 AM
Tom, that is Bad.. Very bad.......

But,, As I've told others, No day is complete without a good laugh.. So Thanks. cause that's a good laugh.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 21, 2016, 05:54:14 PM
Interesting tidbits

Bet Ya Didn’t Know ... some of these interesting history tidbits

Early aircraft’s throttles had a ball on the end of it. In order to go full throttle, the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence, the term “Balls to the wall” was meant for going very fast.

During WWII, U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts measured 27 feet long, contained hundreds of bullets, and were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, “I gave them the whole nine yards” which meant they had used up all of their ammunition.

Did you know the saying “God willing and the creek don’t rise” was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to have written, “God willing and the Creek don’t rise”. Because he capitalized the word “Creek”, it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian Tribe and not a body of water.

In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are limbs; therefore, painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg”. (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool, but these wigs could not be washed. To clean them, they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy; hence, the term “big wig”. Today we often use the term “Here comes the Big Wig” because someone appears to be, or is, powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest (who was usually a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the “chair man”. Today in business, we use the expression or title “Chairman” or “Chairman” of the Board”.

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, “Mind your own bee’s wax”. Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term “Crack a smile”. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression “Losing face”.

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in “Straight laced” wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but it was only applicable to the Ace of Spades. To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t “Playing with a full deck”.

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to “go sip” some ale and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. The two words “go sip” were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus, we have the term “gossip”.

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A barmaid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in “pints” and who was drinking in “quarts”. Hence, the phrase “Minding your P’s and Q’s”.

One more piece of historical trivia:

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem, however ... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others? The solution was a metal plate (called a “Monkey”) which had 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys”. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey”. (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you?)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on December 21, 2016, 11:05:14 PM
On that vein, a rather vulgar expression has deep roots. The French and English went at each other at the battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years War. The numerically superior French boasted they would cut the second finger off the English archers so they could never fight again. The English kicked French butt, the archers paraded among the defeated French troops with the finger extended proving they could still 'pluck yew'.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 24, 2016, 01:35:48 PM
Here is one that should come with a warning to not drink or eat while reading.

“As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
 fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
 went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at
 Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’
’ You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
 as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
 hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different
 models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
 things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable
 Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

 My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
 with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
 what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
 more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked.

 My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

’Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

 I kept my mouth shut.



“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, ‘ Jay said, to steer her into the
 dining room.

 But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’



 Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang
 on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
 and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’ I told him she was
 Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
 Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
 mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
 sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
 Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

 My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
 decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had
 suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
 perfect health...

“I can’t wait until next Christmas.”

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on December 24, 2016, 01:43:39 PM
That has been around for a while but is still incredibly funny.
Title: Reports....
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 25, 2016, 09:20:20 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? “Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied. “How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”





The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.






The Vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.





The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”





The Vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”




Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on December 26, 2016, 02:31:35 PM
As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch -- they both tell the same time.

Whether we carry a $300 or $30.00 wallet/handbag -- the amount of money inside is the same. Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine-- the hangover is the same. Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq. ft. -- the loneliness is the same. You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down -- you go down with it. Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane reaches its destination -- everyone arrives at the same time.

Therefore ... I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you chat, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth -- that is true happiness!

Five Undeniable Facts of Life: 1. Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy so when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price. 2. Best wise words: “Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.” 3. The one who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on. 4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it. 5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!

If you just want to walk fast, walk alone; but, if you want to walk far, walk together!

Six Best Doctors in the World
1. Sunlight
2. Rest
3. Exercise
4. Diet
5. Self Confidence
6. Friends
The nicest place to be is in someone’s thoughts, the safest place to be is in someone’s prayers, and the very best place to be is ... in the hands of God.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Punomatic on December 26, 2016, 03:11:43 PM
Well said, Tom!  :D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on December 26, 2016, 07:29:32 PM
I am wearing (today) I think a Well hold on. a 39 dollar watch (they also make a 20 dollar version but I like the display better) this is a "Digi-Log" watch, that is the movement digital, but the display is the standard 3 hands (hour minute and second).. This watch tells "The same time" as the one it replaced (Which got lost after a band break).. That one was full digital.

The Watch however does not tell the same time as other watches in the house.. You see. I don't set this watch.. NO,  and that second hand is a bit differne too.

Tap the top button twice (1 tap turns on a light) and the hand moves either to the TOP or Bottom (12:00 or 6:00 position.. Straight UP, I've synced with WWV and my time is spot on.. or "receiver down time less accuratre"..  tap the bottom button and 9:00 is AM (before 12:00) 3:00 is PM (After).

Press and hold the bottom button and 11:eastern time 10:central you can figure out the rest

Double tick every 2 seconds FEED ME, my battery is low.

All for 40 bucks.. not bad in a watch, mfjenterprises
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on December 27, 2016, 11:26:19 AM
What's a watch? ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on December 27, 2016, 12:09:30 PM
What's a watch? ;)
You will have to ask a hipster. :o
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Punomatic on December 28, 2016, 11:58:54 AM
What's a watch? ;)

It's one of those things you take off your wrist and throw in the drawer, when you enter your RV.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: gwcowgill on December 29, 2016, 03:58:43 PM
What's a watch? ;)

It's what you pulled in the military and don't be late ;) ;)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on January 07, 2017, 09:38:20 AM
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomato sauce.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk 9 feet through shag carpet back to my couch.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? ... Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 65. I learn something new every day ... and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on January 07, 2017, 09:56:33 AM
Tom,
You beat me by 5 minutes! I was about to post the same list.  ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: gwcowgill on January 07, 2017, 09:59:05 AM
Horay, the grandkids are coming now if I could just remember their names ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on January 07, 2017, 10:14:23 AM
Tom,
You beat me by 5 minutes! I was about to post the same list.  ;D
It just turned up in my Facebook feed as a piece of paper that was photographed. Did you type it out or find in with Google?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on January 07, 2017, 04:18:01 PM
It just turned up in my Facebook feed as a piece of paper that was photographed. Did you type it out or find in with Google?
It was in my FB feed as a piece of paper the was photographed also.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on January 07, 2017, 04:27:24 PM
It was in my FB feed as a piece of paper the was photographed also.
I did a Google search and found it so all I had to do was copy and paste it.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 07, 2017, 09:41:37 PM
Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right -- our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school)was not defaced by our scribblings.Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts-- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person...

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: whiteva on January 08, 2017, 07:54:11 AM
Being Green
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off ... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

I must admit on my better days I enjoy messing with the young cashiers. let's say the total is $21.57 and I hand them a twenty and a ten. Just as the drawer opens I give them 3 quarters and watch these kids try to figure out the correct change. Most of the time, change returned is wrong. I will hand them back the overage and just grin if they short me by a little. But for an old geezer,,,, it is fun!  One young lady at the grocery will laugh and say "Mr. Vance, I am ready for your EXTRA CHANGE today (with a big grin)" And she will laugh and figure out the correct amount. I usually hand her a couple bucks to "buy yourself a cold drink" 

Cheers
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: dave54 on January 08, 2017, 11:14:21 AM
On that vein, a rather vulgar expression has deep roots. The French and English went at each other at the battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years War. The numerically superior French boasted they would cut the second finger off the English archers so they could never fight again. The English kicked French butt, the archers paraded among the defeated French troops with the finger extended proving they could still 'pluck yew'.

Older than that.  The word was found as graffiti on Roman ruins.  The origin is unknown, but is at least 2000 years old.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 10, 2017, 03:35:33 PM
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those who love using words in unusual sequence, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can express the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year’s winning submissions!

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

... A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And finally:

... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end. ;D ;D ;D



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 15, 2017, 01:17:30 PM
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for BWI Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: casehulsebosch on January 15, 2017, 02:07:16 PM
Went to the Zoo.

Only had one animal; a dog.

it was a Shih zu!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: dave54 on January 19, 2017, 09:38:05 PM
I barbecued a Wookie steak tonight.  It was a little Chewy.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 20, 2017, 09:57:33 PM
 Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered!’

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.” 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 24, 2017, 08:25:50 PM
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1 This is this cat.
2 This is is cat.
3 This is how cat.
4 This is to cat.
5 This is keep cat.
6 This is an cat.
7 This is old cat.
8 This is fool cat.
9 This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on January 24, 2017, 08:44:16 PM
35 seconds
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on January 28, 2017, 02:30:46 PM
Oldie....

2016 STELLA AWARDS

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.

Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for this past year --

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!

Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the

Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot...

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a

Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her ... are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think our court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.





Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on January 28, 2017, 03:16:07 PM
Rob ONeil, the member of Seal Team Six who shot Osama Bin Laden had this to say about General 'Mad Dog' Mattis the new Secretary of Defense.  "He has a bear rug in his home but the bear is not dead.  He is just too scared to move."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on January 28, 2017, 03:55:55 PM
A Vancouver Island resident became enraged finding a car that in his opinion was parked too close to his. He managed to slash his leg along with the tire and attempted to drive himself to the hospital but was forced to call 911 due to the severe bleeding. Police laid  charges. He should get an honorable mention at the Darwin awards. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on January 28, 2017, 06:02:30 PM
The Winnabago story has been around a long, long, long time, it's also been debunked for a long long long long time, Wendy Northcutt who ran Darwin Awards and others have contacted Winnabago, and searched police records from shore to shore and in fact around the world. No such accident.

Some of the others however I have read in verified news sources however.. including the Toddler and the soft drink thrown at the boyfriend one.

THIS IS TRUE  (Deletes paces add www. and .com) is a site ran by Randy Cassingham.

He also runs TRUE STELLA AWARDS   or did..... I forget if he still does of if he dropped that one..

Randy and I often chat via E-mail. After all I'm a retired police dispatcher and he's an EMT and we are both ham radio operators.

Some of the stories he has published I had either first hand or direct knowledge of (They involved my employer and were also in the departmental news, And in some cases I interviewed the Troopers involved)

His news letter is often very amusing.. Example  a recent story had to do with a man who wanted a new Big Screen TV. So he went to Wal*mart  loaded it in his cart and headed out (Without paying of course) Store Security had been watching and when they approached he tried to run back into the store and loose himself in the "Crowd" of shoppers.   Now most days this might be a good plan and might have worked, But on SHOP WITH A COP Day.......   (Yup. Suspect in custody).
Title: If you can...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 05, 2017, 03:28:10 PM
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

 If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

 If you can conquer tension without medical help.

 If you can relax without alcohol, It you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

V

V

V

V


Then you are probably the family dog.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: camperAL on February 10, 2017, 09:41:53 PM
To Tom Hoffman,

I always appreciate the jokes you put on here. Please keep them coming. We all need a laugh from time to time and something I look forward to.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 10, 2017, 10:30:37 PM
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.”

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.”

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.




Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on February 14, 2017, 12:26:21 PM
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonds exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 15, 2017, 05:47:56 PM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.  :(

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. :'(

The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’

‘And what about the men?’ the minister asked. ‘They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’  8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on February 15, 2017, 06:12:24 PM
In the "This is no joke" department.. but.. Well.  The best, I mean the BEST, comedians are..... Crooks

Man was upset with his order at a McDonalds. So he jumped the counter and started shooting his guns... Bright Yellow NERF guns (Totally harmless)

Almost as bad as the guy (At least he had a real gun) who tried to rob a bar, Sign on the door said "Closed, Private party".. and he crashed the party... A retirement party for a cop.

Now that's one I have from two different sources, different bars, different cities,, And I believe both are true.

Man gets stopped for a traffic violation, Claims to be good friends with the chief, (Can not prounce the chief's name correctly) Finally  as the LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) Returns his paperwork and ticket the violator asks if the LEO even knows the chief.

"Sort of, I sleep with his wife" was the response  (In case you have not guessed, he was the chief).
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 18, 2017, 10:19:05 AM
Paraprosdokian

Is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:

1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. I’m great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

7. Take my advice - I’m not using it.

8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

19. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

22. Money is the root of all wealth.

23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 20, 2017, 03:53:03 PM
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman’s Hermits ... Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees ... How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
3. Bobby Darin ... Splish splash, I Was Havin’ a flash.
4. Ringo Starr ... l Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack ... The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash ... I Can’t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon ... Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores ... Once. Twice. Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye ... I heard it Through the Grape Nuts.
l0. Procol Harem ... A Whiter shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer ... You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations ... Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba ... Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando ... Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy ... I Am Woman. Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson ... On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore ... lt’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 20, 2017, 04:01:20 PM

Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one ... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ... good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well ... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: whiteva on February 21, 2017, 06:46:41 PM
My Doctor (Asian) was harping about a measly 3 pounds I had gained. He said I needed to do "pushes". I repeated "pushes"? Yea Pushes..  (ME)You mean push ups, at my age? (DR.) NO No No... "pushes"  "Push you ass away from the table"

He is a funny dude, but I did cut down on my intake of broccoli.

Cheers

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SeilerBird on February 21, 2017, 07:02:06 PM
True story, not really funny and not worth a thread all on it's own so I will put it here.

I stopped in Wawa gas station the other day to fill up on gas. For those of you who have never heard of Wawa it is a very successful chain of convenience stores/gas stations on the east coast named after the Wawa neighborhood of Philadelphia. Any how I listen to a collection of 3000 of my all time favorite songs that I keep on a flash drive hooked up to my car stereo and they play randomly. As soon as I finished filling up I pulled out of the gas station and immediately the song Wah Wah by George Harrison started to play. The song has nothing to do with gas stations or wah wah pedals but it sure seemed eerie when it came on. Almost as strange as the time I was driving on I-10 across country. There is a 60 mile stretch where it goes through the small southern tip of Alabama and one trip as I was driving that part of the road Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd came on the stereo. Oh well, it doesn't take much to amuse me. ???
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on February 21, 2017, 10:31:13 PM
'I stopped in Wawa gas station the other day to fill up on gas.' :o Whaaat? I had to do a double take, Wawa Ontario is in the throes of winter. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Old_Crow on February 22, 2017, 07:11:27 AM
When I had a touring bike, I used to transfer my Sirius radio receiver to it when we went on a long trip.  My driveway is a 3/4 mile long dirt road that leads to the highway. 
We were leaving on a 1800 mile trip on the bikes one time.  As we got to the paved road and took off, I reached up and turned on the Sirius.  First song that came on?  "Born to be Wild", followed by "Can't Find My Way Home". 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 24, 2017, 07:20:00 PM
Seniors are problem solvers...
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on February 27, 2017, 10:33:01 PM
The Difference if you Marry a Canadian Woman.

Three Men married Women from Different Parts of the World.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders to clean the house, do all the dishes and cook.

By the third day, he noticed a big difference, house was clean, dishes washed, and always a large meal waiting on the table.

The third man married a Canadian woman. He orders her to do the dishes, clean the house, do laundry, cook and mow the lawns.

On the first day he didn’t see anything, on the second day still nothing, on the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees!

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on February 28, 2017, 07:35:36 AM
The Difference if you Marry a Canadian Woman
Hijacked this and changed it to Jersey Girl.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on February 28, 2017, 07:42:12 AM
Hijacked this and changed it to Jersey Girl.
It has been hijacked and given different lady locales for many years! Still funny.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on February 28, 2017, 08:22:48 AM
Ah, that's what I need, A nice Woman...
THankfully I already know how to cook dinner and do the dishes etc.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 01, 2017, 06:11:30 PM
Nostalgia (Are We Old?) I came across this phrase in a book yesterday “FENDER SKIRTS”. A term I haven’t heard in a long time and thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like “curb feelers” and “steering knobs.” Since I’d been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember “Continental kits?” They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes?” At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”

I’m sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the “foot feed.”

Did you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?

Here’s a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - “store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the ‘50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When’s the last time you heard the quaint phrase “in a family way?” It’s hard to imagine that the word “pregnant” was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and “being in a family way” or simply “expecting.”

Apparently “brassiere” is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it’s just “bra” now. “Unmentionables” probably wouldn’t be understood at all.

I always loved going to the “picture show,” but I considered “movie” an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the ‘50s, but here’s a word I came across the other day from the 60’s - “rat fink.” Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here’s a word I miss - “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffeemaker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that’s what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren’t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a “certain age” would remember most of these.

Just for fun, Pass it along to others of “a certain age.” 8) 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 01, 2017, 09:59:53 PM
I like that. ;D Remember foot dimmer switches and heel and toe while downshifting? Our granddaughters were mystified the first time they rode in our truck, they couldn't find the power window switch. I showed them how to work the crank but they weren't impressed.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on March 02, 2017, 06:09:57 AM
The first truck I got to "drive" on the farm also had a foot starter. I had to make sure it was in neutral to start because my foot was too short to work the gas pedal and push the starter down at the same time, so I had to use both feet to start and wasn't able to push down the clutch. When was the last time you thought about having to work the gas pedal when you started your vehicle?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on March 02, 2017, 07:00:10 AM
First vehicle I drove most folks could not FIND the starter,, It was a farm tractor with 4 forward speeds. Reverse, and START on the manual tranny (Reverse you lifted shifter to get past the lock out and moved RIGHT and Back, Start was Lift-Right-Forward)

Electrolux used to advertise "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux" but they had to drop that slogan.. Seems that overseas based script-head cuss-some-more service sucks even stronger than an electrolux.

Have driven 3,4,5,10,15 speed stick shifts  used foot dimmer and starter buttons.  And once impressed another RVer when I backed onto my site.. But hey, backing a class A straight up is .. Well.. it don't get easier than that.. Catch is this.. I can do it with a trailer as easily.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 02, 2017, 01:23:26 PM
kdbgoat, was that a 50's GM?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on March 02, 2017, 01:40:49 PM
kdbgoat, was that a 50's GM?

Yep. Not sure of the exact year though.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 03, 2017, 12:28:41 PM
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and sex 24.7 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 

DEAR DESPERATE

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Tooting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 03, 2017, 02:52:25 PM
 ;D Good one
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 04, 2017, 11:31:08 AM


God Bless America !

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) –presidential candidate---called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''  She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.  I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'   He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''   I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''  I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.  She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.   After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''   I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''  'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.  After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."   ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 04, 2017, 11:46:19 AM
#6 reminds me of my aunt's elderly mother. She could never understand why the flight from Vancouver to London was so much longer than the return. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Stephen S. on March 04, 2017, 09:40:03 PM
#6 reminds me of my aunt's elderly mother. She could never understand why the flight from Vancouver to London was so much longer than the return. ;D

Me: "It goes slow uphill, then comes back down fast."

Blondie: "Oh, OK!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 06, 2017, 03:20:42 PM
The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 07, 2017, 01:51:20 PM
A poem to which we can relate

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work, not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it ... I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown...

If you can remember those days...
Continue to enjoy your Retirement.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: DesertDustBunny on March 07, 2017, 04:59:35 PM
Scottish Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe

Ingredients:


1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
 :P
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 13, 2017, 03:47:30 PM
It’s just dawned on me...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep...

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever...

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...

OMG! I think my dog is a member of Congress!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 14, 2017, 12:52:44 PM
Retirement

I changed my Truck horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on March 14, 2017, 06:43:10 PM

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

My factbook profile photo at the moment is a T-Shirt I got at Fred's Discount here in Darian, GA.

Blue with white lettering.

When I wear it I get lots of "like your shirt" comments

If you have not already guessed what it says,, It's the quoted text.

I have too many T-Shirts, I may well never buy another one (less it's as good as that one )_ and even then at a Thrift, not at a Retail. But.. Well that one was too good to pass up.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 15, 2017, 12:42:54 PM
My favorite "T" is. 

"I'M NOT ANGRY, I AM JUST EXPLAINING WHY I AM RIGHT!!!

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 15, 2017, 04:13:30 PM
Young people have theirs, NOW, we “Seniors” have our own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor’s
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help...

And the best one is:

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 15, 2017, 09:15:10 PM
That clears up a lot of questions LOL
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on March 16, 2017, 08:44:20 AM
We need a new set of emojis...or interpretations. Makes you wonder what I am really thinking.

 ??? - Forgot Where I Was
 ;D - Had Good Bowel Movement
 ::) - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
 :P - Got Heartburn Again
 >:( - Who Am I Talking To?

Totally new ones would be neater...

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 26, 2017, 05:16:30 PM
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Your Kids are becoming you ... but your grandchildren are Perfect!

Going Out is good ... Coming Home is better!

You Forget names ... But it’s OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything ... Especially bowls OR Golf

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It’s Called “pre-sleep”.

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” Switch...

You tend to use more 4 letter words... “what?”...”when?”... ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody Whispers.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.

But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter
That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!!! ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 29, 2017, 01:34:27 PM
Getting Old

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?  ???

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. :'(

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write,” An ambulance.’ :o

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble...

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’ and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘Theirs... ‘

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care. 8) 8)


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on March 29, 2017, 10:08:17 PM
I was a little overweight, ok still have some to shed but I'm not the Michelin tire man. One day I heard a kid tell his mom "That man is really fat". I looked around, I was the only adult male within 50'. I almost shot back "Kid this is you in 60 years" but then I would have had to deal with my wife.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 30, 2017, 12:00:24 PM
Divorce Proceeding

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”*

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”*

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”*

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one ‘cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”*

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music -- all that hip hop and rap tap -- but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”*

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?*

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”* ::)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 31, 2017, 01:37:10 PM
Slightly political but not much.

If only, for sure...


YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN

I thought you might enjoy this!

It is something you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.
They won’t believe this happened, but it DID and it is true.

Harry & Bess

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions in relation to the history of the United States of America, as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence, Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves there was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, “You don’t want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it is not for sale.”

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.” As president, he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there is hardly any difference!”

I say dig him up and clone him! :) :) :)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on March 31, 2017, 01:46:22 PM
The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year’s winner was a real rocket scientist...

Read on ... And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE.

And the nominees were: Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk ... Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed ... They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. ‘The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground, ‘ Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ‘Major trauma.’

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘‘bright’’ by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year’s Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue

It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?

AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!! ... SCARY THOUGHT, ISN’ T IT?!!!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bozopolis on March 31, 2017, 02:39:36 PM
When we first got married my wife had never ridden in an airplane. One year the local fair featured a guy who offered airplane rides in an old open cockpit plane for $100. "That's a lot of money" I said. "I don't think it's worth that much to take a short ride in an airplane."

The pilot of the plane said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll give you and your wife a ride and if you can stay quiet for the entire flight it's free. But if you make one sound you have to pay the $100".

"Deal" I said and my wife and I got into the back cockpit and the pilot in the front.

It was awful. He did loops and dives and complete stalls and the ride lasted about 20 minutes. When we landed the pilot jumped out, shook my hand and said, "I can't believe it. You didn't make one sound. You don't have to pay for the ride. You're a very brave man!"

"Brave?" I said. "I nearly screamed when my wife fell out!"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on April 01, 2017, 05:37:10 PM
Sister Mary Ann’s Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street ... One of them turned to the other and said,

“If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: llib enad on April 19, 2017, 07:44:22 AM
Taxes are how we make sure the wheels of government continue to run-------right over us.
   


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on April 21, 2017, 02:47:49 PM
Random Thoughts...

It’s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.

You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to live a positive life.

Dear algebra the please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.

When asked how they managed to stay together for 65 years, the woman replied, “we were born in a time where if something was broke you fixed it ... not thrown it away.”

Be someone that makes you happy.

Never lose hope. You never know what tomorrow may bring.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, in what, then, is an empty desk a sign of? Albert Einstein

One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are a peace, you are living in the present. Lao TZU

“what day is it?” Asked Pooh. “It’s today”, Squeak Piglet. “My favorite day.” Said Pooh.

Music is what feelings  sound like.

The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 05, 2017, 01:06:42 PM
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................................

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy?? I think a retired English teacher was bored ... THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end ... This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture re...

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert...

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear...

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: RoyM on May 05, 2017, 10:25:57 PM
The English language is really something isn't it? ;D My buddy's son wanted to get his cdl but was really worried. He went through school in a period when they were not taught traditional spelling, apparently they had some new age system that used the sound of the word so your post would be lost on him.The exam was multiple choice with subtle differences in the answers but he managed to pass. He still can't spell and frequently uses the wrong word.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SkateBoard on May 06, 2017, 02:24:48 AM
Guy walks int a barber shop with his little daughter. He sits down for his haircut while his daughter stands there watching eating her snack. The barber says, better stand back honey, you'll get hair on your twinkie. The little girl says, ya, my dad says I'll get boobs too.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 06, 2017, 01:50:42 PM
OLD AGE...

This is what all of you 70+ years old, and yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine; he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 06, 2017, 01:55:27 PM
Random Thoughts...

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered “who ties your shoelaces for you”.

Be careful when you follow the masses ... sometimes the M is silent!

I am not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing. Work fascinates me; I could sit and watch it for hours.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead, it’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you are stupid.

Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

I speak my mind, because it hurts like hell to bite my tongue all the time.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude ... my personality is “WHO I am.” my attitude depends on “who you are!”

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.

Remember to set your scale back 10 pounds this week.

I am not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes time to think.

I am one step away from being rich; all I need now is money.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on May 07, 2017, 11:35:14 AM
Random Thoughts...

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.


I will tackle these 3
1: yes it does
2: See below
3: Yes I have but this is not the place to talk Politics (Politicians. some of 'em at least)
When is old enough to know better supposed to kick in?

Usually 3 days before "We are gathered today to remember and honor our dearly departed friend ___Insert your name here____

Of course.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 08, 2017, 01:11:08 PM
"QUOTES"

When jokes were clean, many years ago.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... ‘ - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

****

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ - Eleanor Roosevelt

****

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement... - Mark Twain

****

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

****

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

****

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

****

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

****

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

****

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

****

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

****

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

****

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

****

Money can’t buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

****

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

****

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

****

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields

****

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

****

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Phyllis Diller

****

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

****

And the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: winona on May 17, 2017, 05:07:16 PM
Mr. Wilkins wife went missing while they were scuba diving in Monterey Bay.

Late in the evening the next day, he was greeted by two grim-faced police officers.

"We're sorry to call on you at this late hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.”

"Well.... tell me!" he demanded.

One of the officers said: "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first.”

The police officer said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in Monterey Bay.”

“Oh my gosh!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome with emotion.

Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, “So what's the good news?”

"Well...." said the officer, "When we pulled her up, she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.”

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?”

The officer smiled and said, "We're pullin' her up again tomorrow morning."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 19, 2017, 07:29:56 PM
Murphy’s 15 other Laws...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: bsandey on May 20, 2017, 05:29:55 PM
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 21, 2017, 04:56:57 PM
The 5 Riddles

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN.

THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.

RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING.

1.  IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER’S FOR YEARS.

2.  A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

3.  A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

4.  What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5.  Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

The letter “e” which is the most common letter used in the English language does not appear even once in the paragraph.

I’ll be getting Alzheimer’s any time now. ;D ;D ;D

How did you do? ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on May 21, 2017, 05:57:55 PM
Missed charcoal, but then I have a gas grill. Got the rest, seen it before though. Like the lion one.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on May 21, 2017, 06:30:59 PM
Missed charcoal, but then I have a gas grill. Got the rest, seen it before though. Like the lion one.
Then your #4 would be "invisible when you buy it, blue (hopefully) when you use it, and invisible when you throw it away".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 23, 2017, 01:09:33 PM

Mensa & the salt & pepper shakers...

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.

Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said,” we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt contains pepper.”

But before they could finish ... the waitress interrupted.

“Oh – sorry about that.”

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kinda reminds ya of the government, doesn’t it.

Solutions to our problems should be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Ottawa/Washington always seem to make them so difficult.


Title: Parking in New York
Post by: flexitdriver on May 26, 2017, 09:41:22 AM
A man walks into a bank in New York and asks for the loan officer. The man says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The loans officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of a new Lamborghini, parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Lamborghini into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $5000, plus interest, which is $125.41. The loans officer says: “We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbor-side mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”
The man replied: “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $125?” ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on May 29, 2017, 08:47:51 PM
 Now for some explanations of various tools found in your garage and their not so normal uses  8) 8) 8)

HAMMER - Originally used as a weapon of war, the hammer of today is built with all the attributes of a divining rod and a cruise missile with it’s unerring accuracy in locating expensive parts that are within range of what one is trying to wollop it with and totally annihilating them.

STANLEY KNIFE - Often used to open cardboard boxes and hard to open those plastic bubble wrapped components. The amount of damage caused is directly proportional to the cost of the part. It is especially good when opening containers containing Tonneau Covers and Convertible Roof Tops. Can also be used to perform do it your-self Appendectomies, Hysterectomies, Amputations and Castrations with equal ease.

PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to round off Phillip head screw slots, is also useful in opening old style oil cans splashing all and sundry in the process. Has the unerring ability to punch a neat round hole in the cars radiator whilst attempting to remove ones front grill.

FLAT BLADE SCREWDRIVER - Has all the attributes of the above, except punches jagged holes instead. In it’s larger 16” x 1/2” size is very useful as an engine mount pry bar, and engine to gearbox splitter and a cylinder head reefer offerer.

INSPECTION LIGHT - The home mechanic’s own tanning light, otherwise known as a Drop Light, it’s a good source of Vitamin D, sometimes known as the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at 2.00am. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose seems to be to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate as the cannon shells that were used during the first few hours of of the Battle of El Alamain at the start of the Western Offensive in WWII. More often dark than light, it’s name is somewhat misleading.

SPANNERS - Usually found hiding in sheer terror at the rear of the garage, (where they were thrown after the last attempted maintenance debacle). They come in all shapes and sizes except for the one that fits that almost impossible bolt down the back of the engine. They are then usually returned from whence they came, often violently.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A very handy piece of equipment who’s sole usage seems to be in the transference of battery acid from ones car battery to ones toolbox via the paintwork on the front guard of the car, with detrimental effect to both. That’s after it telling you that said battery is as flat as the neighbor’s cat that you ran over last week.

ADJUSTABLE SHIFTING SPANNER - As the name implies, it has an ADJUSTING jaw which allows various sizes of ones nuts to be loosened or tightened. But it is really a misnomer, as the jaw has a habit of moving of it’s own accord, usually at the most critical time, causing ones knuckles to strike sharp solid objects that are nearby with tremendous force, SHIFTING large quantities of skin. This in turn improves ones neighbor’s knowledge of the common or basic not normally found in the Oxford English Dictionary.

LARGE STEEL CHISEL - A generally useful tool which has the ability, with the aid of a large HAMMER, (see above for explanation of HAMMER), to remove stubborn bolts, nuts and severely crumpled body panels. Has a tendency to work on the ‘When I nod my head, hit it’ principle, but it’s usually the thumb that is in the way. The end result being in finding one’s ability to perform an fair imitation of a Comanche War Dance, further improving one’s neighbor’s vocabulary and the seek and find mission for the CHISEL usually three gardens away.

ANGLE JAW TIN SNIPS - A remarkable tool that has the ability to cut thin steel more or less along a drawn line. But a lesser known fact is it’s ability to raise up tiny metal spines, which unerringly attack one’s unprotected flesh with the voracity of a school of starving PIRANHA. And in doing so. leave tiny shards in said flesh, usually in the tenderest and most inaccessible of places.

CROSS CUT SAW - Not, as you might imagine, an AC/DC tool that changes on the weekend. But a useful tool, that in the right hands, can make a thing of beauty. Unfortunately with 99% of the unwashed masses, including this author, will, if given a piece of wood and the above mentioned SAW, will guaranteed to make a mess.

ELECTRICIAN’S PLIERS - very handy for holding small nuts in inaccessible places, has the unerring ability in sensing when one’s concentration is on the job at hand, attacks, leaving one with a healthy crop of blood blisters. Also used in various forms of electrical work, it has the built in ability of finding an earth point when accidentally cutting through an active cable. The results being a bright flash, a fritzing of all fuses, melting half of the cable loom, producing a light show to rival New Years Eve Fireworks, creating an ART-DECO look to the PLIERS and creating and causing a disorder known as SPARKIES TWITCH. A rare but incurable disorder that mainly affects anyone who plays with electricity on a daily basis. LLLiiikkkee MMMeee, before I retired.

ELECTRIC DRILL - Normally used to spin pop rivet heads in their holes until you die of old age. But also work quite well when used to drill Roll Bar mounting holes in the floor of a race car, just above the brake lines, (Ooops).

HACKSAW - One of the family of cutting tools built on the OUIJA board principle. It transfers human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence it’s course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HYDRAULIC JACK - Used to raise and lower a car whilst installing a set of ultra low springs, trapping the jack handle under the front air dam.

8 FOOT PLANK - Used to leaver car upwards to free jack.

TWEEZERS - A tool used to remove splinters obtained from plank.

TELEPHONE - To call a mate to find another Hydraulic Jack to remove the above stuck jack.

ENGINE HOIST - A handy bit of equipment for testing the tensile strength of EARTH STRAPS and HYDRAULIC CLUTCH LINES one has forgotten to disconnect before attempting to remove an engine.

ROTARY WIRE BRUSH - Cleans rust off old bolts and then sends them across the garage at the speed of light, punching holes in the garage wall. Also removes fingerprints and hard to earn callouses in the time it takes to say “Well bugger me” or something similar.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 01, 2017, 03:04:50 PM
A few Interesting thoughts;

Signs on storefronts’

No senior citizen discounts! You had twice as long to get the money.

No we do not have WiFi, talk to each other!

Push if that doesn’t work, pull if that doesn’t work, we must be closed.

Teach your kids about taxes eat 30% of their ice cream.

Today’s offer buy any two drinks and pay for them both...

Alcohol may not solve your problems but neither will water or milk.

Respect your parents they passed school without Google.

Growing old is hard work ... the mind says yes, the body says what the hell are you thinking?

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it when I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

You know you’re getting old you can’t walk past the bathroom without thinking, I may as well pee while I am here.

Remember when you could refer to your knees is right and left? Instead of good and bad. Good times ha ha!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 01, 2017, 04:52:33 PM
One comment: THe line "Alcohol won't solve your problems but neither will Milk or water"

I have two medical issues from time to time, Milk is a solution to one of them (not the only solution)
Water the other.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Molaker on June 01, 2017, 07:29:33 PM
One comment: THe line "Alcohol won't solve your problems but neither will Milk or water"

I have two medical issues from time to time, Milk is a solution to one of them (not the only solution)
Water the other.
Does that mean all others alcohol fixes you up? ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: dave54 on June 01, 2017, 11:21:16 PM
The word 'boss' comes from a Backwards Double SOB.

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 05, 2017, 02:40:03 PM
Some True-isms to ponder.

Don’t die a Virgin ... Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

If you don’t swear while driving that means you’re not paying attention to go at all.

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

You’re never childless when you have a husband.

If there is a bar where everybody knows your name, you’re probably an alcoholic.

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, Just to surprise my liver.

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

I am not the type of person you should put on a speaker phone.

Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

Ever look back and think of some of the people you dated or wanted to date in high school ... and see them on Facebook and think, “whew I dodged a bullet on that one!”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 05, 2017, 06:36:00 PM
To take a couple lines seriously.
Toilet paper: Well you not only need to buy the stuff But you need to buy the right brand.. I mean you can get some that is closer to sandpaer than tissue, and some that .... Is very strong, and some that is very nice (Prince and Spring for example)

Don't die a virgin.. The terrorists are not waiting UP there,, they are waiting DOWN there..   

However that said.. Still funny, thanks for the laugh.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: whiteva on June 05, 2017, 08:38:58 PM
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
           
         My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.   I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door!                           
 
         She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.                                                       
 
         Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.                                                                                                                             
 
         When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.         
 
         I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
 
Special Note:
           Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club...

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on June 06, 2017, 08:17:17 AM
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
           
  :))
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: cadee2c on June 06, 2017, 04:27:52 PM
It works....
Title: Help guys...
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 08, 2017, 10:07:22 AM
Help... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 10, 2017, 11:17:38 AM
Ode To An Outhouse!

Thanks to the early time of summer fruit and those items wrapped in tissue paper.

A welcome substitute for the catalogue pages.

If you have never experienced this piece of rural architecture, you won’t understand.

The House Behind The House

One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o’er the door.

‘Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn’t be there, If you didn’t have to go.

Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for everyone. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.

You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Eaton’s catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. T’was then with much reluctance, To that little house you’d go.

With a swish you’d clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You’d shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol’ Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.

‘Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He’d just cleaned up the mess he’d made With rags and gasoline.

He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He’d eventually rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet.

He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.

He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol’ Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.

We asked him what had happened, What he said I’ll ne’er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et!

Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please

Now that’s the story’s end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we had to go.

For those who never had to trot out in the Cold ... Just Give Thanks!! Enjoy the memories and modern plumbing
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on June 10, 2017, 04:23:28 PM
Something many do not know about that building behind the house.

The opening in the door. either a full Moon or a Cresent moon

Men's and Ladies  Yup, that's what it meant, as I recall Cresent was Ladies room.             
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on June 10, 2017, 10:00:07 PM
Probably a pond where the outhouse used to be.  ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 18, 2017, 02:56:19 PM
The difference between marketing and sales:

Marketing knows more and more about less and less till it knows everything about nothing at all.

Sales knows less and less about more and more until it knows nothing about everything.


***********************************

Just a few random thoughts.

These are on chalkboards in Johannesburg South Africa

Stop trying to make everybody happy – you’re not tequila.

Don’t do something permanently stupid because you’re temporally upset.

It’s better to walk alone rather than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.

Be what you needed when you were younger.

If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny is it red or white?

When you’re forgiven you heal. When you let go you grow.

If you have a gun you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank you can rob everyone.

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

When you make a commitment you build hope. When You keep it you build trust.

I am a woman what’s your superpower?

May your choices reflect what your hopes are, not your fears.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

Why do we only rest in peace? Why don’t we live in peace too?
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 21, 2017, 02:20:59 PM
HOW TO REMOVE GRUMPINESS No matter how GRUMPY you may be right now, this should change your mood PS: Don’t forget to read the text at the end of this tale. ;D ;D

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can’t say the letter ‘‘P’’ without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning even when it’s not.

“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” ;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 25, 2017, 05:58:26 PM
Any day now... >:(

- Hello! Gordon’s pizza?

- No sir it’s Google’s pizza.

- So it’s a wrong number? Sorry.

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please.

- Yes sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it.

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers
  guide.

  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.

- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial
  database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at
  Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It’s not showing on your credit card statement.

- I paid in cash.

- But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statement.

- I have other source of cash.

- This is not showing as per your last tax return form unless you bought them from
  undeclared income source.

- What the hell!

- I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you. ;D

- Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without
  internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on
  me. >:(

 - I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago. ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 28, 2017, 10:26:26 AM
God’s Plan For Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on June 29, 2017, 09:56:29 AM
Man's Rules 8)
 
At last a guy has taken the time to
write this all down


Finally, the guy's side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the
male side.

These are our rules !
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE !
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work !
Strong hints do not work !
Obvious hints do not work !
Just say it !

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girl-
friends are for.
1. Anything we said six months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null
and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you pro-
bably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be in-
terpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do some-

thing or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,

just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say what-
ever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need
directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like
Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say
'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not

worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, abso-

lutely anything you wear is fine.... Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such

topics as baseball or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind

that ? It's like camping. 8)

Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on June 29, 2017, 12:07:19 PM
 ;D I like that but if I post it on the fridge I will be sleeping on the couch.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: whiteva on June 30, 2017, 08:19:33 PM
Please add 1 more:

Before you ask a question, give us a written answer for the upcoming question. That will save a lot of time, thought, and wrong answers. Both of us will be a lot happier.

Cheers!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 06, 2017, 01:26:03 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on July 06, 2017, 03:34:49 PM
I have seen this one before but still chuckle. DW doesn't think it's the least bit funny, hits too close to home I guess.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 09, 2017, 02:50:43 PM
English - brilliant!

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,

Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship ... We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out, And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing...

If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop.??? HAVE A GREAT DAY!


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: GA_Boy on July 09, 2017, 02:55:59 PM
Works better to me than my second language.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 11, 2017, 12:25:57 PM
A lawyer and a senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...”I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
;D ;D
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 15, 2017, 02:36:07 PM
Marital Misunderstanding How men and women record things in their diaries...

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. :( :(

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt ... who misses a two-foot putt.  :-[ :-[
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on July 15, 2017, 09:58:05 PM
The world renowned sausage factory was on fire and the area volunteer fire departments were having no luck getting it under control. The owner announced he would pay $100,000 to the crew that could save the secret recipe stored in the safe. A siren wailed on the highway and the truck from East Podunk roared in almost hitting the building.
The crew jumped off, uncoiled the hoses and went to work, the safe and it's contents were rescued. A reporter asked the chief what they were going to do with all that money. He replied "First we're going to fix the brakes on that dang truck".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 16, 2017, 04:39:54 PM
“Words” we used as kids! 8)

For many of us, the terms and words or phrase’s listed below will ring a bell. Other’s of this modern age of verbal communication will have no clue.

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word, murgatroyd?

The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said,

“What the heck is a Jalopy?” He never heard of the word, ‘jalopy’!! She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

These phrases included: Don’t touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record, and; Hung out to dry. They’re as close as two peas in a pod.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back then, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!” We discover that the words and expressions that we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. Where have all those phrases gone? Long gone. The milkman did it. Hey! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Fiddlesticks! I’ ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. See you later alligator! 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: JoelP on July 16, 2017, 05:26:16 PM
The Browns lived the life of farmers for 40 years with no vacations and no weekends since their animals always needed their attention. Farmer Green who lived up the road had offered many times to take care of their farm while they took a vacation, but they never took advantage of his offer.  Finally, after 40 years they decided to take Farmer Green up on his offer to go to somewhere Mr. Brown had always wanted to go--Switzerland.

The Browns went to to a famous chateau near Mont Blanc and were nearly to the end of the first week when the concierge said, "Mr. Brown we have a call from the States.  Do you want to take the call?"  Mrs. Brown took the call only to find that it was Neighbor Green who said, "I am sorry to tell you that that little calico cat of you has died.  I am sorry to have to let you know."  Mrs. Brown, cried out and complained, "How could you just tell me just like that?  That calico cat was like a child to me and this comes as a terrible and sudden shock!" 

Mr. Green asked for a little guidance,"How should I have told you that would have gone better?" Mrs. Brown suggested, "You could have called me and said that you could not find the calico cat. The next day you could have called again and told me that you found the cat and it was up on the roof, but has not been able to eat.  The next day you could call me to say that while you needed to take the cat to vet he was not doing well.  Then the next day you might have called me to finally say that the cat had died at the vet.  This way I would have had several days to get prepared for this horrible news."  Farmer Green apologized profusely and said that he sincerely hoped that he had not ruined her vacation.

It was about a week later that the concierge called Mrs. Brown over again, asking if she would take a call from the states.  Of course she did and it was again Farmer Green.  He said, " I am really sorry to have to call you on your vacation again, but I needed to let you know that about your Mother. She is up on the roof."
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: SMR on July 16, 2017, 06:30:11 PM
hmmm....
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 17, 2017, 11:21:50 AM
Church Ladies With Typewriters

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again, ‘ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 18, 2017, 11:48:28 AM
NEW ALPHABET

A is for apple,
and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
May your troubles be less, your blessings more,
and nothing but Happiness comes through your door.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 24, 2017, 04:14:07 PM
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS

Read the questions and fill in the blanks. The answers are below, but don’t cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don’t know, but he left this behind What did he leave behind? ________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03.”Get your kicks, ___________________.”

04. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________.”

05. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we “danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the? “_____________.”

07. “NESTLES”, Nestle’s makes the very best... _______________.”

08. Satchmo was America’s “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton’s hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and “________ ________”.

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW.?What other names did it go by? ____________ &? _______________?

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, “the day the music died.”This was a tribute to? ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the? ________________.!













ANSWERS:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and “Good Night, and may God Bless.”
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 28, 2017, 12:06:19 PM
Technology!!

Isn’t this the truth ... were getting old at the right time...

Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

 

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on July 30, 2017, 04:33:42 PM
Québec Contractor...

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at an Ottawa property...

One is from Vancouver, another is from Toronto and the third is from Quebec. All three go with a Government official to examine the fence.

The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Quebec contractor doesn’t measure or figure anything, but leans over to the government official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “But you didn’t even measure like the other guys! And how did you come up with such a high figure?” The Quebec contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Quebec Government contracting works.

I think the same system is working in America as well.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Woodcutter on July 30, 2017, 10:45:55 PM
After years of traveling the world outdoors, I've come to the conclusion that, with all the species of snakes in this world, I can narrow down the list of snakes that I truly hate to three.  I hate big snakes.  I hate little snakes.  And I hate sticks that look like snakes.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: halfwright on July 31, 2017, 12:33:34 AM
There are only two types of snakes i dislike----live ones and dead ones.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 09, 2017, 04:36:00 PM
Where to retire: You can retire to Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town
4 You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

-OR-

You can retire to Michigan where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”

-OR-

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: mypursuit on August 10, 2017, 03:40:37 PM
RE :  Where to Retire       Showed this to my brother.  His reply:

You can retire to Washington (the State)

1) you can choose East side (Conservative) or West side (Liberal)

2) East side has hot summers and cold winters; West side more moderate  with ocean breezes

3) East side has farms and ranches; West side has Microsoft and Amazon

4) East side has 4X4 pickups, ATVs and tractors; West side has electric cars and bicycles

5) on the East side with a million dollars you can buy a ranch or farm with a house; on the West Side you can buy a house with neighbors.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on August 10, 2017, 03:54:20 PM
The family was sitting down to dinner, little Johnny started eating as soon as the plate hit the table. His mother said"Johnny, you know to wait until grace has been said".
"I don't have to" the boy replied.
"Yes you do" said his mother. "Just like at home".
He replied "That's at home but we are at grandma's and she can cook".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 11, 2017, 12:39:52 PM
Subject: Low oil?

Now why didn’t I think of this before now?????

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn’t know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 13, 2017, 06:22:31 PM
1. Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2 Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3 Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4 Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5 Variation Law If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6 Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7 Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8 Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9 Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last ... They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

If you don’t forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really ... It’s true. I read it on the Internet!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Bill N on August 14, 2017, 08:07:52 PM
TO ALL THE KIDS 
WHO SURVIVED the 
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! 
 
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. 
 
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. 
 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. 
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. 
 
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. 
 
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 
 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and 
 
NO ONE actually died from this. 
 
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . 
 
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING ! 
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 
 
No one was able to reach us all day. 
 
And we were O.K. 
 
 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no sur round-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms...... 
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on August 15, 2017, 08:18:56 AM
I know this is Post a joke but I'm going to get a bit serious for just a post.. You mentioned. "WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING ! "

Study after Study has shown this is good for your eventual long term health.  Being outside, exposed to DIRT and GERMS builds a strong immune system and means many conditions that later in life could be major problems... Will be at worst MINOR problems.   have seen this in my own life as well.. I grew up on a dairy farm.. not only exposed to dirt and germs and animals but.. Well I've shoveled Political promises by the ton (OK so i had to put SOME Humor in the thread.. but you know.. Listening to Politicians I often get Deja Moo, The feeling I've smelled this azroma before)

The result is later in life I've been fairly healty. Only a couple of serious "infectious" issues and well those both had external causes (insect bite, toxic, and Pneumonia, Stress) both Recovered..  (I(T's been 30 years since Pneumonia, no recurrence).
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on August 15, 2017, 10:56:38 AM
" Listening to Politicians I often get Deja Moo, The feeling I've smelled this azroma before)"  ;D I like that one.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 17, 2017, 01:09:24 PM
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.

The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.

No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on August 17, 2017, 06:00:46 PM
Saw that one coming I did but I've seen it before, thanks for the laugh it's always funny.

True story:  The pastor at my Home Parish.... Reti4red from the Air Force.

True story #2.. Ever wonder what happens to a Rock And Roller when they DO not burn their brains out with Drugs and booze and Loose living.

The first Drummer for the Ventures.... IS an Air Force General.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 17, 2017, 09:37:06 PM
The Bread Danger 8)

A recent newspaper headline read, “Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.”

The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.

When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I’ve done a little research, and what I’ve discovered should make anyone think twice...

THE FINDINGS

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!

Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS

Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions

No sale of bread to minors.

No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

REMEMBER: “Think globally, act idiotically.” 8)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on August 18, 2017, 05:59:11 AM
 :))Good stuff there Tom! :))
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: catblaster on August 18, 2017, 07:55:17 AM
and about bread, everyone that ate bread 150 years ago has died !
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on August 18, 2017, 09:12:04 AM
People often ask How I can remember all I remember (I will tie this in with the above)  Well the answer is simple.. I'm a coffee-holic

You see Coffee (Study after study) has been shown to ENHANCE memory
Alcohol.. as you wel know.... Eats your brain
(Some drink (Coffee) to remember, Some drink (Alcohol) to forget)

Well the "Aroma" of baking bread..... Alcohol

Yup. the recipe for Wiskey and Bread.. Basically the same.. Only in one you condense the "Aroma" into a bottle and in the other you keep the "By product"  (Oh there are some differences.. I mean the mash they use to make wiskey does not make good bread,, buit if you collect the aroma of bread and condense it.. Not sure how good that would be).

Fact.. Funny, but fact.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 19, 2017, 04:55:12 PM
Food For Thought:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to get your parent’s permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote who runs the government, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy leaders in Egypt, you live in a country run by idiots.

If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat, you live in a country run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman can be strip-searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched, you live in a country run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more, you live in a country run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is cute, but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable, you live in a country run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but cannot find work, you live in a country run by idiots.

If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more safe according to the government, you live in a country run by idiots.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on August 19, 2017, 05:44:45 PM
Well. I DO agree we have a country run by idiots.. No question there. IN some respects it has been for. Well. Longer than I've been alive.

But one thing YOU CAN get arrested for entering the country illegally. Many have been, arrested and deported usually.

And now days you can get arrested for entering the country 100% legally.. Even if you are the CHIEF OF POLICE in say Greenville South Carolina.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: kdbgoat on August 19, 2017, 06:05:11 PM
Food For Thought:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to get your parent’s permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion, you live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote who runs the government, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy leaders in Egypt, you live in a country run by idiots.

If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat, you live in a country run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman can be strip-searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched, you live in a country run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more, you live in a country run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is cute, but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable, you live in a country run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones, you live in a country run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but cannot find work, you live in a country run by idiots.
 
If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more safe according to the government, you live in a country run by idiots.

 :))
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 20, 2017, 04:43:32 PM
Cynical Philosopher

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America, like Canada, is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Now, go have a nice day, or whichever kind of day you want.




Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on August 20, 2017, 05:54:09 PM
I can answer the first question.. Somebody got married, divorced and remarried

ANd I can add humor.. HOld on it's  a You tube link.  It answers the J.C.Penny question.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxaSoQ8_a5M (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxaSoQ8_a5M)


Warning, empty mouth before clicking on this link.


Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Oldgator73 on August 22, 2017, 07:18:51 AM
Man turns 62 and promptly goes to the Social Security office to apply for his benefits. The woman behind the counter asked to see his drivers license. He felt in all his pockets and exclaimed "I seem to have left my wallet at home. I'll have to run home and get it and come back." The woman said unbutton your shirt. He did so exposing the grey hair covering his chest. She said "That's proof enough that you're old enough for benefits."
When he got home and told his wife what had happened she said "You should have dropped your pants. You would have gotten disibilty too". That's when the fight started.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on August 24, 2017, 10:42:38 AM
How Well Do You Follow Instructions?

Flying a Challenger Mission will require you and your crewmates to follow instructions very carefully. Test your ability to follow instructions by completing the different tasks below: Make sure you follow each instruction properly. Carefully read through all instructions first.

1.  Write your name in the top right hand corner of the page
 
2.  Put a circle around your name.

3.  Turn the page over and draw a happy face on the other side.

4.  Under the happy face print "SO FAR I AM FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS".

5.  If you see the words "FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS" anywhere in the writing above, underline these two words.

6.  Stand up, spin around and sit back down again.

7.  Stick out your tongue.

8.  Shake another person's hand.

9.  If you've done everything correctly up until now, yell out "I CAN FOLLOW
INSTRUCTIONS!".

10. Turn the page over and write down the year you were born in the bottom left- hand corner.

11.  Stand on your chair and beat your chest for 3 seconds, then sit back down.
 
12.  Give the instructor a "thumbs-up" signal to let him/her know that you've gotten this far without any problems.

13.  Snort like a pig for 3 seconds.

14.  Now that you have read everything carefully first, like you were instructed to
do, please ignore steps 2 through 14, sit quietly at your desk and wait for the others to finish.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on August 26, 2017, 07:38:21 AM
Somewhat political but 100% funny so take it as a joke please.

ATTENTION:

Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or $100 bills.

They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!

 DO NOT just throw them away.

 They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so.

Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address.

 We must get these out of circulation immediately.

 Thank you for your cooperation.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: BobNSam on August 26, 2017, 09:06:15 AM
Somewhat political but 100% funny so take it as a joke please.

ATTENTION:

Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or $100 bills.

They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!

 DO NOT just throw them away.

 They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so.

Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address.

 We must get these out of circulation immediately.

 Thank you for your cooperation.

SWMBO was precertified for this activity and has already disposed of these "tarnished treasures".
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Roy M on August 26, 2017, 12:10:42 PM
 ;D Good response
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on August 30, 2017, 02:16:42 PM
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If god wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses ... They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
17a. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 01, 2017, 11:06:24 AM
God and Lawn Care:

GOD: Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds, and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away, too.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 05, 2017, 11:00:30 PM
Oldie...


MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
 
 
This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.
 
Men Are Just Happier People!
 
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.   You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.   You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
No wonder men are happier!!!
 
 
NICKNAMES
 
·         If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·         If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 
 
EATING OUT
 
·         When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
 
 
MONEY
 
·         A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·         A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
 
BATHROOMS
 
·         A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·         The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
 
ARGUMENTS
 
·         A woman has the last word in any argument.
·         Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
FUTURE
 
·         A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·         A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
MARRIAGE
 
·         A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
·         A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
 
DRESSING UP
 
·         A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·         A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
NATURAL
 
·         Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·         Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
OFFSPRING
 
·         Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
·         A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy reading.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 07, 2017, 02:26:09 PM
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing...

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’ em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.



Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 19, 2017, 04:38:26 PM
My marriage has unraveled
Because of Robert Frost.
When I take the road less traveled
My wife insists I’m lost.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on September 30, 2017, 10:14:48 AM
Some Important Thoughts

· If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn’t it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 110 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day”.

(Save this until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday!!)
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Oldgator73 on September 30, 2017, 11:01:55 AM
^^^^
Those are great and thought provoking.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on September 30, 2017, 05:11:49 PM

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn’t it be called double V?


If you call it Dubli V .. Then you are speaking French, not English.  But good point I have often wondered that myself.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Memtb on September 30, 2017, 05:30:47 PM



         The NFL!
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Dragginourbedaround on September 30, 2017, 06:04:30 PM


         The NFL!
:))
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 09, 2017, 08:59:02 AM
Very Funny....

https://biggeekdad.com/2011/11/the-three-little-pigs/
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Oldgator73 on October 09, 2017, 10:24:39 AM
Very Funny....

https://biggeekdad.com/2011/11/the-three-little-pigs/

That's funny. Having lived in the U.K. for many years and actually attended Shakespeare performances in Stratford-Upon-Avon, I can relate to what the comedians routine depicts.
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: John From Detroit on October 10, 2017, 09:57:53 AM
I got my THIS IS TRUE newsletter today.

Firemen are just about to sit down to dinner when the bell rings and off they go to a fire.
They get that fire out and Dispatch radios them about another fire... The Fire Station is ablaze.

They forgot to turn off the stove it seems.

That was one story.  At least one good story about a drug dealer who .. Well you are going to need to read to find out,
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: judway on October 10, 2017, 12:23:49 PM
I had a stupid accident about 2005 that killed my 2000 Malibu >:(. The fire department came as usual and the forgot the stove which set the building on fire. The building fire made the paper but they did not mention me :).
Title: Re: Post a joke
Post by: Tom Hoffman on October 17, 2017, 04:34:00 PM
This guy must have been an RV'er. ;D

BURIAL PLANS

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

(HERE IT COMES!!!)

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know he won’t ask for directions.”