John From Detroit
Well-known member
A few technical differences but I've actually witnessed that demonstration....
Another version (Shortened)
Rocks
Sand
Water
Sugar
Post a joke
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A few technical differences but I've actually witnessed that demonstration....
Another version (Shortened)
Rocks
Sand
Water
Sugar
Reinigm
Well-known member
In Hawaii, my personal favorite are cane spiders. They can get quite a bit larger than this one.We have these in my neck of the woods - 6" - 8" long...not common, but they're around. You don't want to get bit:
Ex-Calif
Well-known member
I did this exact demonstration in a time management class I was teaching years ago. I used a small aquarium, different sized aquarium rocks, sand and 2 beers as well.
After the class one smarty pants told me that if I didn't have all those rocks in the aquarium I could've had time for 16 beers.
Funny, all us neighborhood kids would do just that.
Old_Crow
Well-known member
He wasn't wrong.
RRR
Well-known member
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you.. Don't worry... The door's wide open, so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Leon and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Leon (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."!
"You bet, take care" Leon replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Exactly 72 minutes later (I was watching clock between sobs), Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on, and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you.. Don't worry... The door's wide open, so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Leon and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Leon (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."!
"You bet, take care" Leon replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Exactly 72 minutes later (I was watching clock between sobs), Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on, and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........
Old_Crow
Well-known member
There's a similar story about how the angel ended up on top of the Christmas tree. Great one!
DutchmenSport
Well-known member
RRR and regarding the "mammogram appointment" post!
Love it! My wife complains enormously about those mammograms and the boobs being flattened like pancakes. I seem to always laugh when she tells me that and she always snarles at me.
When we go to bed at night, she then get's "frisky." She get's me "all excited" (you know what I mean), and then all of sudden.... um ... the "go-nads" get a shocking squeeze! I yell and she laughs and says ... yea, now you know how the boobs feel!
Oh my. I never teased her about that again! (true story).
Love it! My wife complains enormously about those mammograms and the boobs being flattened like pancakes. I seem to always laugh when she tells me that and she always snarles at me.
When we go to bed at night, she then get's "frisky." She get's me "all excited" (you know what I mean), and then all of sudden.... um ... the "go-nads" get a shocking squeeze! I yell and she laughs and says ... yea, now you know how the boobs feel!
Oh my. I never teased her about that again! (true story).
Krazeehorse33
Well-known member
I always ask mine to order a couple wallet size pics for me.
Tulecreeper
Well-known member
Boo...old. Funny, but old.
DonTom
Well-known member
Some Clever Ads:
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER:
"We will heel you
“We will save your soldier
“We will even dye for you.”
AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”
ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.”
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER:
"We will heel you
“We will save your soldier
“We will even dye for you.”
AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”
ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.”
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."
tlmgcamp
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2016
- Posts
- 832
On back of a septic tank pumper: "We take s__t from anybody"
Oldgator73
Well-known member
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out l'm a lesbian!'
When I was at the University of Florida my wife worked at Baby Gator. It was the Child Development Research Center. We would go to a couple of the professors house that had kids at the center. They were Lesbians. On night they declared my wife an honorary Lesbian. I said what about me, I like women too. So I became an honorary Lesbian too.
When I was at the University of Florida my wife worked at Baby Gator. It was the Child Development Research Center. We would go to a couple of the professors house that had kids at the center. They were Lesbians. On night they declared my wife an honorary Lesbian. I said what about me, I like women too. So I became an honorary Lesbian too.
John From Detroit
Well-known member
That septic truck.... (Actually all of 'em ) I've seen before but that's my favorite on the list.
Like my line about growing up on a dairy farm... "I've shoveled that stuff too".
Like my line about growing up on a dairy farm... "I've shoveled that stuff too".
Ex-Calif
Well-known member
I've always felt I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body. These days it's totally legit to "identify" as a lesbian.
The tag line on the pumper that did my septic said, "We are #1 at hauling #2."
Rene T
Site Team
Or “We do a #1 job in a #2 business”.
Mountain high
Guest
Your #2 is our #1 business
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Oldgator73
Well-known member
Tulecreeper
Well-known member
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for one penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for one penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for one penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for one penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
