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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife on the Jersey Shore were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Jersey Girls exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
 
Did you hear that the programmer who invented predictive texting has died?

His funfair is next monkey.
 
Daddy, how was I born? Well son your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your mom and we met at a cyber café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There is were Mother agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop up appeared that said you got male.:p
 
Well.. Murphy reigns
Yesterday Morning was the CRIM festival of races in nearby FLINT. Well since I now am parked, nearby, forever it apears.... I ordered a couple of magnetic signs for my JEEP to display at the race "Amateur Radio Communicatoions" and Amateur Radio Emergency service logos on them along with ARRL.

They arrived and look great.. They arrived yesterday.....AFTERNOON.
 
My son said his ear hurt. I asked him if was on the inside or outside. He went to the front door and stepped out momentarily. When he came back in he replied "both". I wonder if I'm saving too much for college.
 
Jayflight said:
Daddy, how was I born? Well son your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your mom and we met at a cyber café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There is were Mother agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop up appeared that said you got male.:p
Click to expand...
I met my wife of 25 years the old fashion way... in a bar... LOL
 
I had a blind date last night, but before it, I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called ‘Mom Are You Okay’ and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date:

If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with. “Mom, what’s the matter, are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door, and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning.

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, “Mom, what’s the matter, are you okay?
 
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed yesterday, losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed
 
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw
a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never
have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned
out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of
their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again
and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: "That's the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.

For language aficionados here are some intelligent puns... creating some good fun in the bargain!!

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and he got hell.

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing!

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: "No sun.”

My math teacher called me average. How mean.

Clinic Receptionist: "Doctor, there's a patient on line that says he's become invisible". Doctor: "Well, tell him I can't see him right now.”
 
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