Post a joke

[Chef Duane]

Contraceptives should be worn at every conceivable opportunity.

 

[jymbee]

 

[jymbee]

 

[Chef Duane]

I was at the store today and the produce guy was stocking the shelves and I overheard this conversation...

A woman came by and asked the produce guy "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks "Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?" Confused, the grocer says "Well ma'am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow." The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks "Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?" The grocer looks at her angrily and says "Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?" The woman replies "D-O-G" "Okay" says the grocer. "Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?" "C-A-T" says the woman. "Perfect" the grocer replies. "Now how do you spell 'freak', like in broccoli?" Confused, the woman says "But, there is no 'freak' in broccoli." The grocer says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE IS NO FREAKIN' BROCCOLI!!

 

[Wasillaguy]

Today our granddaughter, feeling she had been shorted, asked her mother "How come I don't have a step-mom?"

 

[Ohiosnowbird]

 

[NY_Dutch]

Harold died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. St Peter welcomed him, but advised him to watch where he stepped when he went in. "Watch where I step?" said Harold. St Peter said, Yes of course, haven't you heard the saying, "All dogs go to heaven?"

 

[RayIN]

 

[Chef Duane]

The day Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he found out that he had already missed 3 calls from Chuck Norris.

 

[jymbee]

 

[SMR]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby..and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum.

 

[Chef Duane]

Chuck Norris went into a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. They brought it out to him in 3 minutes. With fries.

 

[jymbee]

 

[Ohiosnowbird]

 

[SMR]

I went to the supermarket today to do shopping, when I noticed an attractive young woman waving at me…She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from.

So I asked her, “Sorry, do I know you?”

She replied, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife.

I asked the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looked into my eyes and calmly and replied, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

 

[triplethreat]

90% of all Bald men still have a comb
They just can't "part" with it.

 

[Kirk]

 

[Kirk]

 

[Oldgator73]

I didn’t show this to the wife.

 

[Oldgator73]

Ouch!