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Author Topic: Post a joke  (Read 182326 times)

Oldgator73

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #720 on: October 09, 2017, 10:24:39 AM »
Very Funny....

https://biggeekdad.com/2011/11/the-three-little-pigs/

That's funny. Having lived in the U.K. for many years and actually attended Shakespeare performances in Stratford-Upon-Avon, I can relate to what the comedians routine depicts.
2016 Winnebago Winnie Drop
2016 Nissan Frontier 4x4 Crew Cab
Air Force Retired
It's not the weight of the load, it's how you carry it.

John From Detroit

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  • ^My New Home^
    • Diabetics Forum
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #721 on: October 10, 2017, 09:57:53 AM »
I got my THIS IS TRUE newsletter today.

Firemen are just about to sit down to dinner when the bell rings and off they go to a fire.
They get that fire out and Dispatch radios them about another fire... The Fire Station is ablaze.

They forgot to turn off the stove it seems.

That was one story.  At least one good story about a drug dealer who .. Well you are going to need to read to find out,
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

judway

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  • We are at the house in West Melbourne, Florida
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #722 on: October 10, 2017, 12:23:49 PM »
I had a stupid accident about 2005 that killed my 2000 Malibu >:(. The fire department came as usual and the forgot the stove which set the building on fire. The building fire made the paper but they did not mention me :).
Wayne
2003 Itasca Horizon 36LD
2017 Chevrolet Equinox LT
Remco Towbar, Demco Baseplate & Air Force One Brake
1995 GMC Sierra Z71
No Dogs      No Cats!
Retired Electrical Engineer (University of Cincinnati)
W4SRR

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #723 on: October 17, 2017, 04:34:00 PM »
This guy must have been an RV'er. ;D

BURIAL PLANS

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

(HERE IT COMES!!!)

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #724 on: October 28, 2017, 04:40:03 PM »
A Love Story...


I will seek and find you.


I shall take you to bed, and have my way with you.


I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.


I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.


I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved
when I’m finished with you.


And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love, signed:


 The Flu


Now, stop thinking about sex, and go get your flu shot!


Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #725 on: October 28, 2017, 04:45:38 PM »
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!

He yelled, “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!”

He began his series of questions:

Tower:”How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft:”I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!”

Tower:”Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft:”I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The pee in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!”

Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

John From Detroit

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  • ^My New Home^
    • Diabetics Forum
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #726 on: October 28, 2017, 05:16:10 PM »
That is a good one!!!

Man gets stopped by police who could smell the Marijuana even at freeway speeds.. They ask if he has any.. "Just a little, for personal use"   Over 1300 pounds.
Nothing adds excitement like something that is none of your business
My Home is where I park it.

Roy M

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #727 on: October 28, 2017, 08:20:34 PM »
A Love Story...


I will seek and find you.


I shall take you to bed, and have my way with you.


I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.


I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.


I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved
when I’m finished with you.


And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love, signed:


 The Flu


Now, stop thinking about sex, and go get your flu shot!
If I wasn't just getting over it that would be funny.
Signed
Sick Puppy

Memtb

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #728 on: November 01, 2017, 08:25:49 AM »

Let's ALL stay healthy this winter
         
   
   How To Avoid The Flu..

Eat right!

Make  sure you get your daily dose of fruits and  veggies.


Take  your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C, and  vitamin D.


Get  plenty of exercise because exercise helps build  your immune system.


Walk  for at least an hour a day..


Go for  a swim.. 


Take  the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. 

Wash your  hands often. 
If you  can't wash them,
keep a bottle of  antibacterial stuff around.


Get  lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows  whenever possible.


Try to  eliminate as much stress from your life as you  can.


Get  plenty of rest. 
OR! 

Take  the doctor's  approach.. 
Think  about it...
When you go for a flu shot,what  do they do first?
They  Clean your arm with alcohol... 

Why  ??? 

Because  Alcohol KILLS GERMS..
So...... 

I walk  to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime  in my lager ...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody  Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar  patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes,  laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out.  (rest) 
The  way I see it... 

If you  keep your alcohol levels up
flu germs  can't get  you! 

My  grandmother always said...
'A shot in the  glass
is better than one in the  ass!'

Live  Well and Laugh Often ! 
   

   
   
Now wasn't  that GOOD advice?







Todd and Marianne
Miniature Schnauzers - Sundai, Nellie and Maggie Mae
2007 Dodge Ram 3500,  6.7 Ram 6 speed manual, 4x4
2004 Teton Grand Freedom
2007 Bigfoot Class C

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #729 on: November 01, 2017, 11:41:13 AM »



"If you  keep your alcohol levels up
flu germs  can't get  you!"

But the PO-LICE will. 
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 6 months

lavarock1210

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #730 on: November 04, 2017, 11:17:53 AM »
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year —
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I hung up.
He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.
 

Memtb

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  • Posts: 162
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #731 on: November 05, 2017, 09:31:14 AM »
    lava rock,   lmao....great one!
Todd and Marianne
Miniature Schnauzers - Sundai, Nellie and Maggie Mae
2007 Dodge Ram 3500,  6.7 Ram 6 speed manual, 4x4
2004 Teton Grand Freedom
2007 Bigfoot Class C

Dragginourbedaround

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  • I look out the window and see trees, I'm camping
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #732 on: November 10, 2017, 07:50:49 AM »
A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed
 a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants.
 "I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several courses
> slowly, and linger over coffee, dessert, and a cigar until
> they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually
> a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say,
> 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left
> for the night.' And, because I am a man of the cloth,
> the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out
> the front door as calm as can be."
>
The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."
The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 5-Star
Italian restaurant. They both eat like kings and, just as before, right at 2
> am, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very
> full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and
> the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay. The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our
> original waiter who has left for the evening." And then the rabbi adds:
"And we're still waiting for the change!"
Gene

2013 Winnebago Adventurer 37F
2011 Honda Fit

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #733 on: November 11, 2017, 08:03:48 PM »
Perks of being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
09 ... You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

Tom Hoffman

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #734 on: November 11, 2017, 08:15:36 PM »

THE YEAR IS 1917 The year is 1917 “One hundred years ago.” What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month,
And, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. The Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.! It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
Wife said to me. "What cha doin' today?"  "Nothin'" says I.  "Ya did that yestiday!" Says she.  "I didn't get done!" says I

2003 F-350 Super Duty Lariat Dually 7.3 Diesel
2008 34' Sunny Brook, Brookside

catblaster

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #735 on: November 12, 2017, 07:52:07 AM »
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


   I consider myself to be one of the few that have gotten back every penny I have paid into health insurance since I first got it in 1970, not only broke even but way ahead.
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

CapnDirk

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #736 on: November 13, 2017, 10:38:24 PM »
Don't you hate jerks at campgrounds?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KS1RmUjUzs

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #737 on: November 14, 2017, 06:46:07 AM »
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


   I consider myself to be one of the few that have gotten back every penny I have paid into health insurance since I first got it in 1970, not only broke even but way ahead.

Then you must be in the same program I am - Tri-Care For Life, for military retirees.

Bill
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 6 months

Bill N

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Re: Post a joke
« Reply #738 on: November 14, 2017, 06:51:27 AM »
Don't you hate jerks at campgrounds?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KS1RmUjUzs
Hilarious.  I think I saw that RV this summer.
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 6 months

catblaster

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  • Posts: 2156
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #739 on: November 14, 2017, 06:45:46 PM »
Then you must be in the same program I am - Tri-Care For Life, for military retirees.

Bill

  Actually I had United Healthcare with Orange County when I got sick. My first visit in January 2012 met my deductible and out of pocket My transplant was that year in August and the insurance changed to Cigna, they picked up where United left off.   They Hospital billed over $2M, not counting all the labs and other doctors involved...I know I haven't paid that much into them for premiums.

I hear Tricare is great but I wasn't in service long enough. The VA gets me my meds every month now but I still use the outside doctors as much as possible.  Once a hospital transplants you they then own you for the rest...
Will and Jane
95 Winnebago Luxor

CapnDirk

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #740 on: November 14, 2017, 08:38:21 PM »
Hilarious.  I think I saw that RV this summer.

You got to love a woman who is proud of you!

T-shirt in costal town recently.  "So an irishman walks out of a bar... No, seriously it CAN happen"

Bill N

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  • Posts: 1559
Re: Post a joke
« Reply #741 on: November 15, 2017, 08:50:05 AM »
  Actually I had United Healthcare with Orange County when I got sick. My first visit in January 2012 met my deductible and out of pocket My transplant was that year in August and the insurance changed to Cigna, they picked up where United left off.   They Hospital billed over $2M, not counting all the labs and other doctors involved...I know I haven't paid that much into them for premiums.

I hear Tricare is great but I wasn't in service long enough. The VA gets me my meds every month now but I still use the outside doctors as much as possible.  Once a hospital transplants you they then own you for the rest...
Yes you definitely have been very fortunate to have the right coverages at the right time.  When you are talking bills in the millions you are definitely way ahead of them. Glad to see you are still  doing well and I can imagine that the rest of your life comment is very accurate.  Good Luck.

Bill
Bill & Joan N in Missouri
USAF (Ret)
2002 Winnebago Adventurer 35U
Workhorse W22, 8.1L Chevy V8
2013 Chevy Sonic Toad
Furbearers:  Heidi-17(Forever), Grace-10 & Squeak-4, Winnie - 6 months

 

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