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What Women Want....

What I want in a Man, Original List


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)


1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)


1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn?t drive off until I?m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I?m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn?t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn?t borrow money too often
4. Doesn?t nod off to sleep when I?m venting
5. Doesn?t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)


1. Doesn?t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn?t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn?t fart in public
5. Remembers why he?s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it?s the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn?t miss the toilet


 
Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By February 14, 2018 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.




Class 1


Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM...


Class 2


Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3



Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4


Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5


Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM


Class 6


How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7


Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum...
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8


Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9


I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10


How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday?s noon, 2 hours.


Class 11


Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12


How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


From Guys in the Witness Protection Program
 
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

?Freeze a jolly good fellow.?

?Freeze a jolly good fellow.?

You really didn?t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It?s so easy to fool OLD people!

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...
 
A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat?s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, ?What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren?t producing??

A spry old gentleman answered, ?They send us on bus tours.?
 
Tom Hoffman said:
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

?Freeze a jolly good fellow.?

?Freeze a jolly good fellow.?

You really didn?t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It?s so easy to fool OLD people!

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...
Click to expand...
Oh, I expected you to say something about "kick him in the ice hole".  Oh wait.  That's another story...


How do you catch a polar bear?
1. Cut a hole in the ice
2. Sprinkle green peas around the hole
3. When a bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.


Easy peasy
 
During a physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

?Well, yesterday afternoon was typical - I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. Ran away from an irate mother bear, and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.?

Amazed by the story, the doctor said ?You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!?

?No? the woman replied ?I?m just a really, really shitty golfer.?
 
I'm having a bad day. My friend, a doctor, called and said he was in big trouble. He said there's a good chance he could lose his job and his license. Seems he slept with one of his patients. He admits it was a big mistake but fears the ramifications will be insurmountable. He also has student loans that he is still paying. All the above plus having to deal with what his family thinks of him now. This is a real tragedy. Hate to see this happen to such a great guy and he was a really good veterinarian.
 
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
?????? sorry all my blondie friends ??
 
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
Click to expand...

Not true. Oh the airlines usually require one, but the FAA doesn't, and the military requires one to be an officer (which you must be to fly military). But there are LOTS of non-degreed folks flying aircraft of all kinds.
 
Larry or Mary are right.. I recall reading a book, long time ago, and it was mentioned that the requirements for Licensed pilot DO NOT require so much as a high school diploma.... Just Flight School.  You need not even qualify for a Automobile driver's license, You can get a pilot's license at 15 or even younger. So no "Degree" needed.

I still remember one New Years Eve.. a New Pilot had gotten his new license in the morning's mail. He checked out the new Plane, To date it had flown ONE TIME From Grand Rapids. MI (Place of manufacturer) to Pontiac where it was delivered to the air club.

HE took a few friends out for drinks and a Flight.

Splatted the plane in heavy fog (he was not insturment rated) in Troy MI.

I was there from like 10 pm to 8 am guarding the site as part of ARPSC (Amateur Radio Public Servie Corps) along with the Oakland County ARRL (American Radio Relay League INC) Emergency Cordornator  (Troy is in Mcomb county by the way) In Eddy Wolfrum's (Audio Graphics) Van.

What a night. 
 
And those ages have never been a problem. The teenage pilots I?ve known have all been exceptional kids with goals and maturity beyond their years.

Tom
 
Well you know what they say about pilots
There are many OLD pilots
There are quite a few BOLD pilots
There are not many OLD, BOLD, Pilots.

LIke I said the one who ruined my New Year's Eve was over 21.  Licensed for less than 24 hours.
 
Mother called the young bride who had just returned from her honeymoon. "How was it?" she asked. "Oh mother it was terrible, I want to come home He kept using horrible four letter words." The concerned mother asked "What kind of words?" The girl sobbed " cook, wash, iron".
 
Oldgator73 said:
John, I think you posted about propane tanks under Jokes.
Click to expand...
I have tried to merge it but I think it has disappeared.....  I will try to find it and get it in the right place!  Thanks for the heads up.
 
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