Life after losing spouse

[djw2112]

My dad is 86 and lost his wife (my mother) 30 july. I came from Texas for funeral and stayed with him for several weeks to help him.

My dad went into the air force after high school and retired 21 years. He met my mother in the service n they traveled the world in the service and the US after the service, they were together for 68 years.

This is first time in his life he has lived alone.

We have had lots of conversations about the chalenges he faces and what is next in his life.

I thought getting some feedback from here might give us some ideas.

he eventually wants to sell his house in rio rancho as there are too many emotional triggers and get an rv maybe. He is not new to rv's but he is alot older now and he gets tired easily.

any suggstions

ps sorry mark i had planned to meet you sometime on one of my trips to albuquerque but now obviously is not a good time as family is mourning loss of my mother.

 

[Mr Lars]

Sorry for your loss, wow 68yrs. Any of your father’s siblings still alive? Any of them lost a spouse? May be a time to re-connect, and catch up, and get advice.

 

[djw2112]

his brother is still married and gave up the rv life and dad says AZ globe area is just too hot. I ask him about comming to live by me in TX but he thinks the humidity would be bad for him even at 3 months a year high humidity.

his neice lives here and my two sons live here but they have life plans to leave for other pastures.

everyone else is in new york catskill area.

i am thinking i may have to sell my place in TX to move back here. i wont leave him all alone for his remaining years if he decides to stay here.

 

[DonTom]

I lost my mate after 43 years happy years together, which was most of our lives together, by far.

I lost Tom five years ago to liver cancer at the age of 64. Tom & I were a legally married same-sex couple. Married since legal in 2013, but we have been together since 1974.

While it's a major change, especially at first, I discovered I do fine alone. It's very important to keep busy, especially at first. Can't sit around and get even more depressed.

-Don- Reno, NV

 

[Old_Crow]

I lost my wife of 44 years last December. We'd been full timing for 5 years, working for a company that manages campgrounds in the summer and just goofing off in the winters. To make matters worse, when the family gathered to celebrate my wife's life, a good number of us, including me, caught Covid.
When I got sick, I called my boss and told her I wouldn't be working this year. After I recovered, I made the decision that I was not going to spend the rest of my days moping around the RV, so I called my boss again and basically went back to work. Best decision I could have made.
As others have said, keeping busy is the key to moving on with life.

 

[darsben]

First things first, He needs to see a doctor and get a COMPLETE PHYSICAL including EKG, pulmonary function test etc. This will help you counsel your father what is best for him health wise going forward. RV lifestyle freshly single will probably not be good for his mental health as if he is still grieving he may isolate himself. He needs socialization IMO not isolation

 

[Gary RV_Wizard]

Just lost my wife of 56 years, so share your father's pain. Loneliness is real.

 

[SpencerPJ]

As others have said, keeping busy is the key to moving on with life.

And if $$ is not an issue, volunteering is awesome as well. Most of us are blessed, it feels great to give back and help those who are less fortunate. Food banks, shelters, many places can use a few hours a day or week in help.

 

[nvrver]

I'm 80 and the best advice that I got after my dear wife of 40 years died in June 2020, was to not make any big decisions the first year. Also loosing someone during a pandemic just make doing things a lot harder. After the senior center opened I have been enjoying noon meals and other activities, lots of friendly people around my age. I really got my ego pumped up when I attended a dance, ratio was 4 to 1 women over men. I did a lot of dancing. I'm also getting active back with my Winnebago WIT chapter.

 

[DonTom]

Just lost my wife of 56 years, so share your father's pain. Loneliness is real.

I knew she was having serious health problems, but this is the first I heard she passed.

Sorry for your loss.

The first couple of years are especially tough.

-Don- Reno, NV

 

[IBTripping]

All good suggestions so far. Also, if your dad is willing, a grief support group or grief counselor would help him deal with the lose and work through it.

 

[climberbob]

After my Mom died my Dad moved into a retirement village. He love it. People were stopping by all the time.

 

[Tiercel]

What a topic. This is in the back of my mind often. I am 71 and have been married for 53 years (since 18).

Most all of us have to face leaving our eternal mate or being left behind. Who can choose which is worse?

My thoughts and prayers are truly there for your dad and all the others who have faced this.

 

[djw2112]

Thank you all for your kind and wise comments. We got the ashes monday and he feels better, for now , having her there with him. I told him about the replies here and reminded him to keep busy because the silence will be overwhelming and incredibly heavy in the beginning. He is actually talking about moving to TX to buy the lot next door to me. He is emotional now so i wont hold him to anything as he may change his mind.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone during this challenging time in our lifes.

 

[SeilerBird]

Wow, I lost my cat Tarzan at ten years of age. I have been bummed about it ever since. I cannot imagine what you guys are going through losing a mate. Losing a cat is traumatic enough, I cannot imagine losing a wife.

 

[Oldgator73]

My sister in law called me a few weeks ago to let me know my brother had died that afternoon. It was like a normal hey how ya doing conversation. My wife and I were a bit baffled.
On another note we have discussed what each of us would do if one went before the other. But I think those plans have changed since we are talking about moving to our cabin in SW Virginia. Our son lives there full time and takes care of the place so we won’t have to. Unless we end up with dementia we will most likely be able to live out our days there.

 

[ArdraF]

The comments here reminded me of my mother who was mostly alone for 40 years after Daddy died. There was a period of 11 years when she was married to another man, but it didn't work out in the long run and they divorced. One time I asked Mother why she married him and her reply stays with me still - Ardra, I was just so lonely. The advice given here is wise. Stay active and do things where you meet other people! I've always heard that you shouldn't make any major decisions for at least a year after losing a spouse. That makes good sense, especially after having been married for so many years.

I actually found this thread accidentally as I was looking for a photo of our recently deceased Jeff Cousins. While looking at old rally photos I was thinking how fortunate we are to have joined the RV Forum so many years ago. It's really heartwarming to look at the faces of all our friends and see their wonderful smiles and remember our good times together. Too many have "left this earth" as Mother used to say - but they still live in our hearts! I was going to start a separate thread but decided this one is relevant.

ArdraF

 

[DonTom]

Most all of us have to face leaving our eternal mate or being left behind. Who can choose which is worse?

Yep, one or the other usually happens to all of us of those in a long term relationship. A very few exceptions, but perhaps the best way is to both go at the same time. However, that usually means an accident, and not going naturally.

BTW, Tom told me many times he wanted to be the one to die first. He got his wish. So some people can choose.

-Don- Reno, NV