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A story seen in local Bimonthly publication: (Little Mountain Printing, Berks Co. Pa.)  called the FISH WRAPPER.
                                                         
                          "Pretzel Charity"
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Everyday a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."







 
Tom said:
Not to throw a wet blanket on the topic, but I really have an issue with folks who insist on forwarding every joke they've read on the internet to my private email box. Some get miffed when I say "please remove me from your distribution list for this stuff; I already receive it from several other folks".
Click to expand...
Amen to that. I simply don't allow people to send me anything. With the first forward someone sends me I shoot back an email and ask them to please don't ever send me any forwards. The second time I have to tell them I get nasty. The third time I create a filter and send their junk to my trash can.
 
   
    Abe & Esther
   
    Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
    Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad  news.
    Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt  an emergency landing.
    Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and  we  should be able to land on the beach.
    However, the odds are that we  may never be rescued and will have to live on the island
    for the rest of our  lives!"
    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
    An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill  yet?"
    "No, sweetheart," she  responds.
    Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay  our American Express card yet?"
    "Oh, no! I'm  sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she said.
    "One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the  instalment cheque for the income tax this month?" he  asks.
    "Oh, forgive me, Abe,"  begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
    Abe grabs her and  gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks  him,
    "What was that  for?" 
    Abe answers, "They'll find  us!"
 
a guy decides he will build a shed. he goes down to the lumber yard and says i need some 2 x 4s. the clerk asks, how long do you want them. the guy looks at him kinda funny and says , well im building a shed so i am going to need them for quite awhile.
 
Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining his kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandra Denis? pregnancy, the artist created hilarious explanatory photo series titled ?How to Make a Baby?.                                                   
The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra?s belly expanded.
The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.
Edit: Replaced attached photos with link to source.
 
Tom said:
Reflecting on my discussion, he mentioned that he was making the toddies for visitors. Being a Scotsman, he may not have wanted to share too much of his liquor  ???
Click to expand...

Oldie: three elderly men attend a friends funeral.  The Frenchman rises and walks to the casket, says a few words and leaves 100 Euros.  The German rises and walks to the casket, says a few words and not to be outdone by the Frenchman leaves 200 Euros.  The Scotsman rises and walks to the casket, says a few word, leaves a check for 500 Euros and takes the cash.
 
Things i learned living in the south
________________________________________
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South,
plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's
supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with sugar. It is referred to as the
Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is,
you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect, or animal

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but
require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and
gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is..

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can
drive!!!

 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I
don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another
man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
 
WHY HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!

Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor ' s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ' Shingles. ' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, ' Shingles. ' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ' Shingles.. ' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ' Shingles. ' The doctor asked, ' Where? '

Kevin said, ' Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ' em?? '
 
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.

edit:fixed extremely small font size -LS
 
Two young brothers ages 7 and 6 where up in the room early one morning when the older one says to the younger one, I think we are old enough to start cussing; I will say **** and you say hell when we go down to breakfast. Their mother calls them for breakfast and the two head downstairs where the mother says to the oldest "What do you want today". The oldest says I'm tired of the same old "****" I'll have some Cheerios: with that the mother races around the table and slaps him on the side of the head, then drags him upstairs to his room with him kicking and screaming. The mother comes back down and says to the younger brother "OK what will you have for breakfast". The younger one give here a pensive look and says " I sure as hell don't want no Cheerios"
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL4lSavSepc

A new K-Mart ad that is certainly making the rounds on the internet, though I have not seen it on the cable/air.

Listen closely.  The double entendre can be tricky. . . . .
 
  Problem at ACE HARDWARE

There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.

 When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets,  the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me!"

 Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

 When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that  she was referring to my credit card.

 I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
 
The sad thing is:
I may have understood what she (cashier) meant, but Looking for any opportunity.....
Well, you get the picture.
I've got to get my mind right!  :p

"Now that there's funny." he said egotistically.
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
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