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a patrolman pulls over an open top corvette with a blond driver. The woman at the wheel is wearing headphones attached to an mp3 player in her lap. The Trooper, now at her carside, asks her to remove the headphones and the blond just shrugs; the Trooper now gestures angrily to the driver to remove her headphones. The blond just shakes her head. no. So the officer reaches over the driver door and pulls off her headphones himself. In just a few seconds the blond's eyes roll back, her head drops forward; she appears dead. The officer happens to hear what her headphones have been playing "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, .........."
 
My apologies to blond folks everywhere, but some jokes are too good to ignore. I hear many a joke re: my ethnic heritage and take no offense----as long as the party offering the joke is aware of the possibility of perpetuating stereotypes for the unsophisticated. No excuse, I suppose, but here comes another one---
    Two blonds are walking along a street; one stops, stoops over and picks up a flat folding plastic item from the sidewalk. After looking at it for a moment, she says to her companion " You know, I've seen the woman in this picture before". The second woman takes the item from her friend and, after looking at it for a moment says " Of course, it's a picture of me." She then puts the compact into her purse.
 
2 atoms strolling along, one says to the other, hey, be more careful, you've knocked an electron off me; 2nd atom--- "oh come on, are you sure?" "I'm positive!".
 
A pirate goes to the doctors office complaining of a pain in his groin. The doctor takes a look and says to the pirate "there's a steering wheel in your pants." The pirate says "aargg, I know, and it be driving me nuts! "
 
It was said that Mahatma Ghandi, while walking across India, did the entire trip on bare feet. His diet consisted of mainly curried items which left him in a relatively weakened condition and with bad breath. One might say he was a  -----  super calloused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis.
Sorry
 
Here's another rather labored joke.
    A marine biologist had discovered a method to keep dolphins alive nearly for ever. It involved, however, the slaughter and use of Mynah birds. Needless to say, this process was abhorent to all animal lovers and PITA (it's radical elements especially). The government was interested in this biologist's work for clandestine reasons and would go to extreme measures to protect the project. These measures included chaining 2 fully grown aggressive lions to either side of the bldg. entrance where the research took place, to discourage protesters from entering. The lions had been trained to allow the researcher to enter the lab. though, of course. One might say he was ----transporting mynahs across state lions for immortal porpoises.
 
greensleep said:
Here's another rather labored joke.
    A marine biologist had discovered a method to keep dolphins alive nearly for ever. It involved, however, the slaughter and use of Mynah birds. Needless to say, this process was abhorent to all animal lovers and PITA (it's radical elements especially). The government was interested in this biologist's work for clandestine reasons and would go to extreme measures to protect the project. These measures included chaining 2 fully grown aggressive lions to either side of the bldg. entrance where the research took place, to discourage protesters from entering. The lions had been trained to allow the researcher to enter the lab. though, of course. One might say he was ----transporting mynahs across state lions for immortal porpoises.
Click to expand...

GROAN!!!
 
When you are in your 80's , life is still enjoyable.  Example: wife and I have sex nearly every night of the week.

Nearly on Monday

Nearly on Tuesday

Nearly on ----------

Bill Dane
99 CC  Allure
 
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he should be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leave a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond . . .
 
A patient in an asylum for the disturbed is in the attending psychiatrist's office for his weekly therapy session. The Dr asks the pt. to climb up a small ladder to retrieve a text from a high shelf for him. Upon reaching the top step and reaching for the book, the patient says "You know, these backless robes that we have to wear here make me feel very paranoid." The doc says "well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 








dr
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their
8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.. .

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson' s have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle .."
 
:eek: Please keep in mind when reading the following joke that the person who sent it to me is not only my brother, but an attorney.
    What do you have when you have 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?


    Not enough sand.
 
So, we were in the back yard toasting marshmallows for making s'mores when we heard a siren nearby.  Then we realized it was a firetruck coming down our street.  We ran to the front to see what was going on only to find our neighbor's house directly across the street was in flames.  The husband was standing out front with his wife.  We ran across the street to them.  The wife was sobbing on her husband.s shoulder.  So sad.  Then she looked up and glared at us.  It was a scary look that really surprised us.  Then we realized we were still holding our marshmallow sticks with fresh marshmallows stuck on the end.
 
Two young girls decided that they haven't seen there Grand Ma for quite some time so they pay her a visit.
Once inside and settled on the couch the small talk begins.
As they are talking the girls notice a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and start helping themselves.
Soon it is time to leave and the girls apologize for eating all the peanuts, saying they will bring some next time they visit.
Grand Ma says," That's ok and kind of you but don't bother.  Since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them anyway."
 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted
 
More lawyer jokes.  Sorry if any are repeats.

What is brown and black and looks good on an attorney"

A Doberman.

Yesterday, it was really cold.

How cold was it?

It was so cold, I saw an attorney with his hands in his OWN pockets.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
 
Tongue in cheek: Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm schizophrenic and so am I.  : - )
 
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