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A man goes  to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to  you about it.' 
 
The Rabbi  asked, 'What's wrong?' 
 
The man  replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' 
 
The Rabbi,  very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' 
 
The man  then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I  do?' 
 
The Rabbi  then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out  and I'll let you know..' 
 
A week  later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three  hours. You want my advice?' 
 
The man  said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'. 
 
A blond asks a passerby in the street, "Excuse me, would you tell me the time please?"  Response "11:25". The blond gazes at the person with a perplexed look and says "It's the weirdest thing, today I've asked the same question 10 times and every time the answer's different."
 
Tin man said:
A man goes  to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to  you about it.'

The Rabbi  asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man  replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi,  very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man  then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I  do?'

The Rabbi  then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out  and I'll let you know..'

A week  later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three  hours. You want my advice?'

The man  said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'.
Click to expand...


Paraphrase of an old British political bon mot involving Winston Churchill and Lady Astor.  As reported in the Wikipedia article on her: 
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
 
Two blonds in a parking lot trying to unlock their car using a coat hanger. 1st blond "I can't get this door unlocked", 2nd blond    "Better hurry, looks like it's about to start raining and the top's down".
   
    Sorry, can't stop there; two roommates are watching the 11pm news together; one blond, the other a brunette. A man was shown  threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The brunette says "I'll bet you $50.00 he'll jump." The blond takes the bet; the man jumps. The brunette says to her roommate "You don't need to pay me, I saw this on the 5pm news." The blond replies "I'll pay, I saw the 5pm news too, but I didn't think he'd jump again."
 
Some dads are just Mechanics at Heart


        It's all in the mechanics of the conversation:

        The daughter asks her Dad,  "Dad there is
      something that my boyfriend said to me, that I
didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a
fantastic bumper."

      Her Dad replied,  "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens
      your hood and tries to check your oil with his
dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and
he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
 
Wal-Mart banned me!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Stolen from another site.  I only wish I could claim this!
 
Three blondes walk in a bar and ask for a table for 12.  The bartender obliges. Soon, 2 more  blondes come in to join them, then 4 more!  Soon about  20 blonds are crowded around the table, chanting 58 DAYS!  58 DAYS!    58 DAYS! The bartender can't take it, so he goes over to ask about the chant, 58 days!  They explain they had a jigsaw puzzle which they worked together to complete in just 58 DAYS!  The side of the box said 2-4 YEARS!
 
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
 
A prostitute just said she's do anything for $10.00.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Guess who just got their car washed?
 
Here is a REAL groaner, but it is clean and repeatable.

What do    John the Baptist  and  Winnie the Poo  have in common?



Think hard!



It's not honey




They have the same middle name.
 
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde girl go to a water park. At the waterslide, the attendant tells them that the ride's magic and if they yell out their favorite beverage while sliding down, they'll land in that beverage. The redhead goes down the slide yelling 'lemonade" and, sure enough, lands in a pool of lemonade. The brunette slides down while shouting "root beer" and, lo and behold, lands in a pool of root beer. The blonde (short memory you know) slides down yelling "weeeeee".
 
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Baptist minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them over very carefully, then asks them,  "Is this some kind of a joke?"
 
A novice monk joins a monastery that has just begun the practice of complete silence, no words are to be spoken by the monks, but for one exception----once every 7 years each monk is allowed to speak one sentence. Seven years later, at dinner, a monk stands and says "The buns are stale.". Another 7 years elapses and at dinner, a monk stands and says "the glassware is filmy.". Yet another 7 years passes and the once young novice monk stands at dinner and says "I'm outta here, can't stand all the bitchin'.".
 
Yearly Dementia Test -- only 4 questions

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!



Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

                     

1. What do you put in a toaster?





















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else ... Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.







2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?



























Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk, ' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.


















3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?






















Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks, ' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass, ' go on to Question 4.






4. Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.

In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.

In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven...














Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
























Answer : Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!!

(Go back and look!)




If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!



OK ... Or just go have another glass of wine ... Nothing will matter in a few hours ... And you will definitely NOT be driving the bus!!


 
  Got my gun permit yesterday.... and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm
> for home protection.
>
> When I was ready to pay for  the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
>
> Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
> running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.
>
> When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
> was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
>
> I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
>
> They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
>
> I still don't think I looked that bad....
>
>
 
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