Post a joke
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If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
How Old is grandma?
(Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.)
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end ... It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother About current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and Just things in general.
The Grandmother replied, ?Well, let me think a minute,
I was born before:
? television
? penicillin
? polio shots
? frozen foods
? Xerox
? contact lenses
? Frisbees and
? the pill
There were no:
? credit cards
? laser beams or
? ball-point pens
Man had not yet invented:
? pantyhose
? air conditioners
? dishwashers
? clothes dryers
? and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
? man hadn?t yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, ?Sir.?
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man With a title, ?Sir.?
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was A bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with Your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the Evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the Evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD?s, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President?s speeches on our radios.
If you saw anything with ?Made in Japan ? on it, it was junk.
The term ?making out? referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald?s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & dime stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn?t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
? ?grass? was mowed,
? ?coke? was a cold drink,
? ?pot? was something your mother cooked in and
? ?rock music? was your grandmother?s lullaby.
? ?Aids? were helpers in the Principal?s office,
? ?chip? meant a piece of wood,
? ?hardware? was found in a hardware store and.
? ?software? wasn?t even a word.
We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
We volunteered to protect our precious country.
No wonder people call us ?old and confused? and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready?????
This woman would be only 61 years old. She would have been born in late 1952.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER ?OLD ONES.?
<BECAUSE THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN?T BELIEVE IT.>
(Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.)
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end ... It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother About current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and Just things in general.
The Grandmother replied, ?Well, let me think a minute,
I was born before:
? television
? penicillin
? polio shots
? frozen foods
? Xerox
? contact lenses
? Frisbees and
? the pill
There were no:
? credit cards
? laser beams or
? ball-point pens
Man had not yet invented:
? pantyhose
? air conditioners
? dishwashers
? clothes dryers
? and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
? man hadn?t yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, ?Sir.?
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man With a title, ?Sir.?
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was A bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with Your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the Evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the Evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD?s, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President?s speeches on our radios.
If you saw anything with ?Made in Japan ? on it, it was junk.
The term ?making out? referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald?s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & dime stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn?t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
? ?grass? was mowed,
? ?coke? was a cold drink,
? ?pot? was something your mother cooked in and
? ?rock music? was your grandmother?s lullaby.
? ?Aids? were helpers in the Principal?s office,
? ?chip? meant a piece of wood,
? ?hardware? was found in a hardware store and.
? ?software? wasn?t even a word.
We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
We volunteered to protect our precious country.
No wonder people call us ?old and confused? and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready?????
This woman would be only 61 years old. She would have been born in late 1952.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER ?OLD ONES.?
<BECAUSE THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN?T BELIEVE IT.>
John From Detroit
Well-known member
Gee.. I am older than that... (no more need be said)
And to Winona... I do not have a joke.. But I do have a song.. You Tube link follows
Apologies for the damage to your keyboard and monitor... but it's not my fault. It is theirs.
The Balad of the Shape of things, Kingston Trio
Oh, and thank you for reminding me I have that on my hard drives
And to Winona... I do not have a joke.. But I do have a song.. You Tube link follows
Apologies for the damage to your keyboard and monitor... but it's not my fault. It is theirs.
The Balad of the Shape of things, Kingston Trio
Oh, and thank you for reminding me I have that on my hard drives
Lou Schneider
Site Team
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2005
- Posts
- 13,256
Either someone is very bad at math, or it shows how long this story has been cut-and-paste floating around the Internet.
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US
An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher:
?They?ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!? he cried ... The dispatcher said,
?Stay calm ... An officer is on the way.? A few minutes later, the officer radios in ?Disregard.? He says.
?He got in the back-seat by mistake.?
TELL ME THIS WON?T HAPPEN TO US!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher:
?They?ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!? he cried ... The dispatcher said,
?Stay calm ... An officer is on the way.? A few minutes later, the officer radios in ?Disregard.? He says.
?He got in the back-seat by mistake.?
TELL ME THIS WON?T HAPPEN TO US!!
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
Subject: The Joy of Old Age*
* This is what all of us 70+ years old, and our kids have to look forward to!!*
* This is something that happened in an assisted living
center where my wife used to work.*
* The people who lived there have small apartments but
they all eat at a central cafeteria.*
*One morning one of the residents didn't show up for
breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if**
everything was OK.*
*She could hear him through the door and he said that he*
was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.*
*He was coming down the stairs but was having an awful time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.*
*She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.*
*So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.*
*A couple hours** later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.*
*The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.*
* This is what all of us 70+ years old, and our kids have to look forward to!!*
* This is something that happened in an assisted living
center where my wife used to work.*
* The people who lived there have small apartments but
they all eat at a central cafeteria.*
*One morning one of the residents didn't show up for
breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if**
everything was OK.*
*She could hear him through the door and he said that he*
was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.*
*He was coming down the stairs but was having an awful time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.*
*She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.*
*So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.*
*A couple hours** later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.*
*The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.*
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!
? Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
? How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
? England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
? I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
? They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
? I changed my iPod?s name to Titanic. It?s syncing now.
? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
? I know a guy who?s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he canstop any time
? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me
? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I?d never met herbivore.
? When chemists die, they barium.
? I?m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can?t put it down.
? I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
? Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
? I didn?t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
? Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn?t control her pupils?
? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
? I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
? Velcro - what a rip off!
? Don?t worry about old age; it doesn?t last.
? Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
? How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
? England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
? I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
? They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
? I changed my iPod?s name to Titanic. It?s syncing now.
? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
? I know a guy who?s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he canstop any time
? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me
? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I?d never met herbivore.
? When chemists die, they barium.
? I?m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can?t put it down.
? I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
? Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
? I didn?t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
? Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn?t control her pupils?
? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
? I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
? Velcro - what a rip off!
? Don?t worry about old age; it doesn?t last.
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
Are you smarter than a 60 yr old? THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK. THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN?T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER. DON?T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE IT OUT. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for you ?older kids? The answers are printed below (after the questions) but don?t cheat! Try to answer them first...
After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don?t know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.
?Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.?
?The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ ____ _____.?
?In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.?
After the Twist, the Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we ?danced? under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ?_____.?
Nestle?s makes the very best... _________.?
Satchmo was America?s ?Ambassador of Goodwill.? Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______ ___________.
What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.
Red Skeleton?s hobo character was named ______ ___ ______ and Red always ended his television show by saying, ?Good Night, and ?_ _____ ?
Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______ _______.
The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.
In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about ?the day the music died?. This was a tribute to _______ _______.
We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.
One of the big fads of the late 50?s and 60?s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____.
Remember LS/MFT _____ ____/____ _____ _____?
Hey Kids! What time is it? It?s _____ ______ _____!
Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!
There was a song that came out in the 60?s that was ?a grave yard smash?. It?s name was the ______ ______!
Alka Seltzer used ?a boy with a tablet on his head? as its Logo/Representative. What was the boy?s name? ________
ANSWERS:
The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
The Ed Sullivan Show
On Route 66
To protect the innocent.
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
The limbo
Chocolate
Louis Armstrong
The Timex watch
Freddy, The Freeloader and ?Good Night and God Bless?.
Draft cards and bras were also burned, but not flags, as some may have guessed).
Beetle or Bug
Buddy Holly
Sputnik
Hoola Hoop
Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco
Howdy Doody Time
Shadow
Monster Mash
Speedy
Send this to your ?older? friends, (better known as Seniors). It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.
After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don?t know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.
?Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.?
?The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ ____ _____.?
?In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.?
After the Twist, the Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we ?danced? under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ?_____.?
Nestle?s makes the very best... _________.?
Satchmo was America?s ?Ambassador of Goodwill.? Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______ ___________.
What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.
Red Skeleton?s hobo character was named ______ ___ ______ and Red always ended his television show by saying, ?Good Night, and ?_ _____ ?
Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______ _______.
The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.
In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about ?the day the music died?. This was a tribute to _______ _______.
We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.
One of the big fads of the late 50?s and 60?s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____.
Remember LS/MFT _____ ____/____ _____ _____?
Hey Kids! What time is it? It?s _____ ______ _____!
Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!
There was a song that came out in the 60?s that was ?a grave yard smash?. It?s name was the ______ ______!
Alka Seltzer used ?a boy with a tablet on his head? as its Logo/Representative. What was the boy?s name? ________
ANSWERS:
The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
The Ed Sullivan Show
On Route 66
To protect the innocent.
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
The limbo
Chocolate
Louis Armstrong
The Timex watch
Freddy, The Freeloader and ?Good Night and God Bless?.
Draft cards and bras were also burned, but not flags, as some may have guessed).
Beetle or Bug
Buddy Holly
Sputnik
Hoola Hoop
Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco
Howdy Doody Time
Shadow
Monster Mash
Speedy
Send this to your ?older? friends, (better known as Seniors). It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
Sayings to help keep your sanity
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free ... Taxed to death.
Cover me. I?m changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you?re an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck...
Work is for people who don?t know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn?t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
It?s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you don?t like the news, go out and make some.
I brake for no apparent reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don?t date outside my species.
Wink, I?ll do the rest.
No radio - Already stolen.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there?s a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
If we aren?t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don?t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it...
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to ?stuff it? - I?m a taxidermist.
IRS: We?ve got what it takes to take what you?ve got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
It?s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn?t exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you?re unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They?ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can?t.
Why is ?abbreviation? such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Sex on TV can?t hurt you unless you fall off.
I?m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free ... Taxed to death.
Cover me. I?m changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you?re an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck...
Work is for people who don?t know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn?t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
It?s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you don?t like the news, go out and make some.
I brake for no apparent reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don?t date outside my species.
Wink, I?ll do the rest.
No radio - Already stolen.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there?s a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
If we aren?t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don?t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it...
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to ?stuff it? - I?m a taxidermist.
IRS: We?ve got what it takes to take what you?ve got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
It?s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn?t exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you?re unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They?ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can?t.
Why is ?abbreviation? such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Sex on TV can?t hurt you unless you fall off.
I?m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
John From Detroit
Well-known member
Tom Hoffman said:
Missed two both were proper names, I'm no good with proper naes (Speedy and Louis Armstrong)
Got the rest Even LSMFT.
But then I'm 65
therealsimpsons
Well-known member
Tom Hoffman said:
Aced it..easy cheezy.
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
Red-Handed...
George, an elderly man from Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he?d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked ?Is someone in your house??
He said ?No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.?
Then the police dispatcher said ?All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.?
George said, ?Okay.? He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
?Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don?t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.? and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips? residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, ?I thought you said that you?d shot them!?
George said, ?I thought you said there was nobody available!?
George, an elderly man from Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he?d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked ?Is someone in your house??
He said ?No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.?
Then the police dispatcher said ?All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.?
George said, ?Okay.? He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
?Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don?t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.? and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips? residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, ?I thought you said that you?d shot them!?
George said, ?I thought you said there was nobody available!?
flexitdriver
Well-known member
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.
IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED
A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.
IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED
A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Molaker
Well-known member
;D ;D ;Dflexitdriver said:
Lou Schneider
Site Team
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2005
- Posts
- 13,256
I'll bet the students were using iPads with auto correct spelling.
Tom Hoffman
Well-known member
Never Fly...
There was a little fly that lived in a butcher shop but he was so skinny because the butcher was extremely fastidious about keeping the shop clean.
Then one night when the shop was closed there on the butcher block was a chunk of bologna.
The little fly was so excited he flew down to the bologna and ate and ate.
He started to fly back to the ceiling where he lived.
He had eaten so much he could only make it halfway and had to land on a broom handle leaning against the wall, He sat there resting and looked back at the chunk of bologna. He decided that it was closer to the bologna than the ceiling and he seldom had chance like this.
He took off but he had over estimated his strength and fell to the floor breaking his neck.
It just proves the old saying.
Never fly off the handle when you are full of bologna.
There was a little fly that lived in a butcher shop but he was so skinny because the butcher was extremely fastidious about keeping the shop clean.
Then one night when the shop was closed there on the butcher block was a chunk of bologna.
The little fly was so excited he flew down to the bologna and ate and ate.
He started to fly back to the ceiling where he lived.
He had eaten so much he could only make it halfway and had to land on a broom handle leaning against the wall, He sat there resting and looked back at the chunk of bologna. He decided that it was closer to the bologna than the ceiling and he seldom had chance like this.
He took off but he had over estimated his strength and fell to the floor breaking his neck.
It just proves the old saying.
Never fly off the handle when you are full of bologna.
John From Detroit
Well-known member
Test answers are always good for a laugh.. I've seen that 7th Commandment before, but do not recall the 1st.
And there are a lot of politicians out there who are not admitting adultery. but I won't bother speculating who here.
And there are a lot of politicians out there who are not admitting adultery. but I won't bother speculating who here.
